Review: Tool “Undertow”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at “Undertow” the debut album from Tool that launched them into the hearts of weirdos across the globe.

I have a confession to make: I’m not the world’s biggest Tool fan. I am, however, the third biggest Tool fan in the tri-state area, and the fifth biggest Tool fan east of the Mississippi, as confirmed via thorough vetting on the official Tool forum. That being said, I feel consummately qualified to review the greatest full-length alt-rock-prog-metal debut in history.

In case you need me to elaborate on my bona fides before continuing: I’m such a big Tool fan that I named my three sons Maynard, James and Keenan. Nothing will stop me from seeing a Tool show—not even my honeymoon. The only booze I’ll drink is Maynard’s wine. I’ll even pop on some Puscifer once in a while—not because I like them (who does?) but because of my man Maynard.

If you see a 2007 Nissan Sentra blow past you on the highway with “TOOLMAN” plates, yup, that’s me. I get such a thrill seeing the reactions of fellow Tool fans when I’m “tooling” around town. Every time I’m driving around blasting Tool, other Toolheads peep my plates and shout, “Tim the Toolman!” (don’t ask me how they know my name, but hey, I’m not complaining). Or they yell, “More power!” so I crank the volume even higher. Sometimes they’ll make a quizzical, simian grunt—a sort of “Uuuuh?” sound—which is of course a reference to the “monkey killing monkey” line from 10,000 Days’ “Right In Two.”

What I don’t get is why I keep getting asked if I’m into some dumb home improvement show from the 90s. Like I’m going to waste time watching some shitty TV program when I could be basking in my 5.1 mix of “Undertow” in the mancave, zoning out to trippy Winamp fractals on the big screen!

Hardcore Tool fans with a decalcified pineal gland like myself rank the breakthrough “Undertow” among their top albums. Sure, “Opiate” came first, but that was just an appetizer; mozzarella sticks, if you will. “Undertow” arrived on the scene like a 16-ounce Porterhouse with a pile of garlic herb mashed potatoes and ice cold Diet Orange Fanta.

Like any true Tool fan, if I hear even a few notes from “Undertow,” I’ve got to stop whatever I’m doing (sorry, babe) and listen to the whole album front to back. And yes, that includes the 14-minute hidden track of crickets chirping at the end—only a poser would skip that.

SCORE: 13 out of 11 DMT Clockwork Elves

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Eulogy Given by Henry Rollins Turns Into 45 Minute Lecture on Importance of Leg Day

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — The funeral services for hardcore scene veteran Alex Lopez with special eulogy by Henry Rollins quickly turned into a long, intense speech on the importance of leg day in any workout regimen, sunburned sources confirmed.

“I was saddened by the news that such a respected figure in the punk scene had died,” said Henry Rollins while giving a live demonstration on quad exercises. “I believe it’s important to remember and keep fond memories of those who have passed…but it’s just as important to remember how vital our lower halves are in our workout routines. I mean, I wouldn’t want people seeing my corpse with full bustling biceps and tiny little Q-tip legs. And unfortunately, Alex’s open casket funeral was a stark reminder of that.”

Coworker and funeral attendee Allison Lee weighed in on the goings-on of the funeral procession.

“I came to pay my respects to my coworker, and I heard some angry punk guy was doing the service. Little did I know I’d be sitting through what was basically a 45-minute meatheaded Ted Talk,” explained Lee. “His delivery was a bit stern, and the pit stains on his black t-shirt were a bit distracting, but I did walk out of there really thinking about how little I focus on my calves and thighs. Never would I have thought I’d walk out of a funeral considering buying a leg press, but here I am!”

Funeral director John Greenwood explained how Henry Rollins has become a regular around the funeral home.

“Mr. Rollins has become a bit of a staple here at Greenwood’s Funeral Home whether we like it or not,” said Greenwood. “Typically, he just goes on and on clearly rehearsing some material for his spoken word. This time, however, it was a lot more touching and heartfelt. When he was up there spouting scathing remarks about Lopez and the attendee’s lackluster leg conditions, I really think he was just simply looking out for us all, despite all the pulsating veins popping from his neck and forehead suggesting otherwise.”

At press time, Henry Rollins was seen giving a stern speech to the pallbearers at the funeral on how they could enhance their abilities with a bit more chin-up reps.

How To Enjoy Making Pizza at Home Even Though It’ll Never Be as Good as the One on the Tigers Jaw Self-titled Album

Posted on by Zach Hudson

So you bought all of the gadgets. You got your pizza stone, rolling pin, and pizza cutter. You even talked your significant other into letting you dip into your shared savings for one of those gas-powered pizza ovens. You couldn’t wait to have your friends over for a slice, and for one of them to ask where you ordered from. You played that fantastical moment over and over again in your head.

But then, while you were walking to the store to buy the good flour for the dough, “Never Saw It Coming” off of Tigers Jaw’s highly acclaimed self-titled album shuffled on your Spotify. Normally you’d be thrilled to hear an old favorite, but something’s different this time. You think about the album art: an extra large, piping hot cheese pie, perfectly crafted and cut. Then you realize you’ve just been reminded of the gold standard of pizza. You know you can’t come close to competing with the master craftsman that made this absolute work of art. You start to think that maybe you should just walk home and order takeout.

Let’s get one thing straight. Your pizza is never going to be as good as that one. I mean, just look at that fucking thing. Thin, crisp crust, large foldable slices, and the perfect sauce-to-cheese ratio. Speaking of cheese, just look at the way it’s dripping off that slice. God, I bet you’d give anything to make a pizza one-tenth as perfect as that one.

Well, that’s never going to happen. And that’s ok. Don’t let inevitable disappointment stop you from doing yet another thing.

You can still enjoy making pizza at home. All you have to do is accept that you will never live up to the expectations set by a post-punk album from 2008. Make the pizza the same way you always would. Also, instead of the Self-Titled, try putting on “Spin” instead. It’s hard to be in a bad mood and dwell on your own failures while June is on. When you take the pizza out of the oven, take the time to admire your work. It’s not perfect. It may not even be good. But it’s yours. And that means something.

9 Obscure Records I Bought Instead of Providing for My Family

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Record collecting is a serious game. In fact, it’s so serious that sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to satisfy the high that you get when scoring a holy grail of an LP. Here are 10 records that I decided to add to my collection instead of providing my family with the life they deserve.

Sorcery “Rocktober Blood Soundtrack”

A pretty obscure heavy soundtrack to a very obscure film. My wife and kids hate this movie, but not as much as they hated me after I bought an original copy of this LP instead of paying for that trip to Myrtle Beach like I had promised!

 

Misfits “Walk Among Us”

I’ve been on the lookout for an original copy of this since I was 13! Which is actually the age of my daughter whom I take to school on my bicycle pegs because I couldn’t afford to fix the family car after this!

 

Mercyful Fate “S/T” EP

When I came across a mint copy of the first pressing of this essential piece of metal perfection, I had to have it. Unfortunately, my wife and I had our 5th wedding anniversary around that time, but I think I made up for the lack of celebrating with a nice fancy meal with my famous homemade sloppy joe recipe (aka Hamburger Helper sprinkled over some pureed hot dogs).

Motörhead “Ace of Spades” (Copy That Lemmy Actually Snorted Cocaine Off Of)

I already had a copy of Motörhead’s Opus, but this one was special. I mean, god himself probably did coke off this exact copy! My son ended up having to go to his prom in an old “No Fear” t-shirt because of me buying it, but it was the nicest “No Fear” shirt at the whole entire prom!

M.D.C. “Millions of Dead Cops”

It was around Christmas time when the opportunity to land this bad boy came into my lap. Money was tight as it was, but I figured it was a Christmas miracle that I finally found an original press in such good shape! Besides, my kids seemed perfectly happy with the coloring restaurant placemats I got for them from a local Friendly’s. There’s kids starving in Africa, so my brats should be happy with what they got.

Iron Maiden “The Soundhouse Tapes”

This is the only 7 inch record on this list. Normally I wouldn’t do something silly like spend over $1000 on a couple of songs, but I had to pull the trigger on this one. Unfortunately, the $1000 dollars I paid for it was the last $1000 dollars grandma needed to have enough to pay for her new elbows.

 

Bad Brains “S/T”

Well, by no means obscure, this slab of U.S. hardcore by Bad Brains was definitely worth picking up. Even if it did mean that my youngest son has to play on his baseball team with an old welder’s glove as a mit.

 

Black Fate “Commander of Fate”

Who the hell is Black Fate you ask? Well I’ll tell you one thing, I scored an original pressing of this german heavy metal gem instead of buying an urn to put my father-in-law’s ashes in, so what’s that tell you?! It rules of course! It’s not like grandpa will be any less dead if his ashes are in a Folger’s can.

Danzig “S/T”

I grabbed an OG copy of this one instead of paying the vet bill for the family dog. But with hits like “Mother” and “Twist of Cain,” how can they be mad that our boy Rugby made a premature trip to doggy heaven?

Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton’s Name Hastily Scribbled on Them

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PALM BEACH, Fla. –The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.

“The Bureau found hundreds and hundreds of top-secret documents, all taken from Trump’s fourth billiards room,” said Special Agent Diane Cooper while taking a 30-minute smoke break. “And yes, they all have Hillary Clinton’s name written on them in red crayon. I’m not fucking kidding, man. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my day, including some extremely stupid cover-ups and frame jobs. But wow, this takes the cake. I was half-expecting some of them to say ‘Hunter’ too, but I honestly feel like Trump got so focused he forgot to spread the fake blame around.”

Q-Anon believer and Trump supporter, Eric Yarnham, expressed his support for the former President.

“The secret network of liberal elites are going to try to blame our real President for this, even when the evidence is right under their suspiciously hooked noses,” Yarnham said while standing vigil outside the Mar-a-Lago driveway. “Why do you think the documents, which rightfully belong to Trump, have her name on them? The Satan-worshippers in the White House will do everything they can to convince the lame-stream media that Killary had nothing to do with this. I’ll bet you anything that she planted the documents here herself, even though there’s literally no way she would have had access to them.”

Political analyst and Twitch streamer Jacob Harris went out of his way to explain the severity of the situation.

“I cannot stress this enough: this shit is absolutely, balls-to-the-wall crazy,” Harris said, gesticulating wildly. “People are genuinely trying to write-off the most blatant, half-assed coverup in history as evidence of some sort of conspiracy. Trump could literally fly to North Korea and bomb DC while holding Kim Jong-Un’s hand, and these idiots would say that it was a liberal plot. And for the record, taking nuclear weapons documents from the White House and presumably selling them to the highest bidder is, and I am not exaggerating here, as treasonous as it gets. Holy fucking shit.”

At press time, the FBI was still carrying dozens of stained cardboard boxes inside from the agency van after several hours.

Man Removes Last Little Joy in Life by Ordering Cauliflower Crust Pizza

Posted on by Zach Hudson

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local man and Frank’s Pizzeria regular Alex Davidson shocked staff and fellow regulars alike by ordering cauliflower crust pizza, which those close to him say follows a series of sad lifestyle changes.

“It’s supposedly healthier than traditional crust which is a big selling point for me,” said Davidson. “Sure, you can taste the difference, but with the right sauce it’s almost as good as the real thing. I keep telling myself if this gets me down a pants size it’ll be worth it. Then maybe I can even start to add some Tofurky pepperoni slices to my order, just once in a while as a little treat, of course.”

Frank Martin, owner of Frank’s Pizzeria, has noticed a gradual downward spiral in Davidson’s ordering behavior.

“Alex has been coming in here for years, and honestly he’s a shell of his former self. It’s been hard to watch his decline,” said Martin. “Used to be he would come in from the pub next door, grab two slices of pepperoni and shoot the shit with me for a while. Now he comes in, grabs one slice of cauliflower crust with no toppings and a bottle of water, and leaves. Last time he was in here I watched him walk to his car and then just sit there staring out the window for 20 minutes before driving away. He’s basically my only customer who buys this shit, so I really just make it for him, but I’m concerned that I’m starting to enable him.”

Health and nutrition expert Holly Layman was skeptical of Davidson’s new lifestyle choice.

“Unless you have a gluten intolerance, there’s really no reason to be ordering cauliflower crust pizza,” said Layman. “Yeah it is lower in carbs and calories, but tends to be higher in fat and cholesterol so it’s hardly worth it. If this guy’s goal is to lose weight, this isn’t the answer. If his goal is to remove all of the joy out of eating food, then he’s doing great. I hope he lives a great life drinking Coke Zero and constantly thinking ‘I should join a boxing gym.’”

At press time, locals reported seeing Davidson log his cauliflower slice into a calorie counting app with a single tear running down his face.

FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PALM BEACH, Fla. — FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday, multiple sources within the agency confirmed.

“We might have overplanned this raid. We had a large team researching all aspects of Donald Trump’s life to gather all important dates in his life, along with personal milestones, and even the birthdates of his children and wives,” explained Agent Abramson. “Turns out none of those were necessary as the safe opened with the default combination. It was already set to that when we uncovered the safe behind a painting of Mr. Trump with exaggerated muscles. Even though we are excited as an agency to open it with such ease we cannot forget the countless hours of manpower and taxpayer money that was used preemptively and we will find a way to make it up to taxpayers.”

Employees at Trump’s residence admit they were not shocked to know how easy it was to break into the secret safe.

“Mr. Trump always bragged about how secure his safe is, how you could ‘drop it off the Trump Tower and it would barely make a dent,’ but I guess none of that mattered,” stated Mar-A-Lago golf cart attendant Chad Folger. “Once we heard the FBI agents laughing we all knew they were able to crack the code. There were in there for like 15 minutes and honestly I’m surprised it took that long. The WiFi password for the resort is ‘Trump45’ and the code to the petty cash safe is also 0001 but only because Eric Trump was trying to set it and messed up.”

After FBI agents left with what is reported to be a dozen boxes of documents Donald Trump was quick to criticize the agency.

“What the FBI did was a huge violation of Presidential freedom. These radical Democrat FBI agents should be locked up with crooked Hillary,” said the former President. “Biden’s goons took boxes and boxes of incredibly valuable items like my signed picture with Don King! He’s a legend, and now it’s all lost. I had a mint condition copy of that one Playboy with Vanna White, real good looking lady that one. I went on a few dates with her, I really did. But I told her ‘honey, you can’t handle my lifestyle’ and we never talked again. Sad really.”

At press time, FBI agents were still sorting through hundreds of Stormy Daniels DVDs.

Horror Movie Paused Until Friend Who Has Seen It Before Takes “But Does the Dog Die?” Question Seriously

Posted on by James Knapp

MEDFORD, Ore. — First-time slasher film viewer Anthony Sallers insisted that the movie not be unpaused until his friend Stephanie Gorski gives a definitive answer as to whether the canine character is killed, sources who are seriously not joking around anymore, dude, confirmed.

“At this point I don’t even really care if it lives, I just need to know one way or the other what I’m in for so I can mentally prepare myself if things get gory,” explained Sallers, who has been playing keep-away with the Roku remote for a good twenty minutes. “If Steph doesn’t just tell me soon I think I’m just gonna skip ahead to the credits to see if that ‘No animals were harmed in the making of this film’ stamp shows up. That’ll at least give me a hint that there’s a good chance I’m gonna have to see a dog corpse before this is over.”

Gorski, an avid horror fan, provided an inside look at the trajectory of the dog’s liveliness arc.

“Of course the fucking dog dies. It’s like he’s ever seen a horror movie before,” said Gorski. “Honestly, I thought we were just gonna put this movie on, get a little spooked out, and then maybe that would lead to a little ‘just friends’ fooling around, the way horror movies were intended to be watched. But with all this dead dog talk, I doubt we’re even gonna get to first base tonight… maybe second.”

Scruffles, the canine actor portraying the dog in the film, gave his perspective on his character’s odds of making it to the end of the movie breathing and intact.

“I don’t really remember much from filming this, but I am fairly confident that dog will survive the murder man,” said Scruffles through a series of barks that were interpreted by his handler. “There was one line that I remember rehearsing for a big scene: ‘Look, over there, in the darkness! It’s something we should investigate. I will go first because I am a dog. Lead the way, me!’ Does that clarify anything?”

At press time, Sallers agreed to unpause the movie on the condition that he not be judged for whatever horrified screaming noises he may make for the rest of the viewing.

Post-punk Parents Decide to Name Newborn Child “Untitled”

Posted on by Luke Thornton

PORTLAND, Ore. — New parents and self-described “post-punk connoisseurs” Sara and Tom Mitchell proudly unveiled the name of their newborn child, Untitled, bewildered hospital sources confirmed.

“Untitled (01) Emerson Mitchell was released from the womb on July 29th at exactly midnight 12:00 am and received good to lukewarm reviews from nurses,” said the new mother while re-alphabetizing her vinyl collection. “We searched high and low for just the right name as we really couldn’t see ourselves going with something mainstream, like Michael. We even went through the names of our favorite members of The Jam, Joy Division, Talking Heads, Slowdive, and Television, but no matter the gender we couldn’t decide what name would be both slightly esoteric and avant-garde enough. Long story short, Ian Curtis Mitchell just didn’t sound right to us, so naturally we went with Untitled.”

Family members voiced their concern with the name.

“That kid is going to get relentlessly bullied throughout his youth,” said Untitled’s grandfather David Mitchell. “In fact, when I first heard the name, I myself felt the urge to bully that kid. That can’t be a good sign for the rest of his life. Hopefully that kid develops a sense of humor or something because he’s really going to need it. That’s not likely though considering how serious his parents are all the time. I’ve never even seen the father without a skinny tie on. Also, am I supposed to call my grandson Un for short?”

Experts were all too familiar with parents attempting to get cute with the names of their children.

“More and more we’re seeing child names being influenced by their parents’ taste in music,” said Larry Cohen, Editor-in-Chief of “Cool Baby Names Magazine.” “We’ve seen art rock parents name their child Kid A, emo parents name their kid Fallout Boy, and metalhead parents name their offspring Slayer. They say that Slayer is usually best as a girl’s name. And after all, I remember a time when the name Harrison was considered too unorthodox for everyone. Not anymore though.”

At press time, the Mitchell parents were already hard at work at coming up with a new name for a potential second child and were working their way through Interpol’s discography for ideas.

Well “Gangster of Love” is Taken, So I Guess I’ll Be “The Criminal of Sex”

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that the right moniker can make or break an aspiring musician. Eric Clapton used to be a nobody, but one day they started calling him “Slow Hand” and now he’s one of the most successful songwriters/anti-vaxxers of all time. Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, Elvis “The King” Presley, Roger “Aging Poorly” Waters, the list goes on! Unfortunately, when I landed on the absolute perfect nickname to give myself, I realized Steve Miller had already taken it.

“The Gangster of Love” sums up everything I’m about! I’m a bad boy with a heart of gold and the voice to match, baby. I can’t just up and rebrand myself so I’ll just have to find something that carries the same message. Something like… oh I know! The Criminal of Sex!

Now that I say it out loud, “criminal of sex” might be even better than “gangster of love!” It’s like it says “Baby, when you consent to love-making with me, it will be so good that it should be illegal.” Plus it avoids the word “gangster,” which would make me sound kind of shady.

I’m a happily married man of course, but let’s face it, I stand a better chance of making it in the music business if people think I’m available.

I’m blasting it out on my socials right now. This is going to be huge for me! Yes sir, all the teeny-boppers are gonna go wild when they find out the Criminal of Sex is coming to their town!

I’m feeling really confident about this choice. What could go wrong?

The key is you want to present yourself as a little bit dangerous but without going so far over the line that you alienate people. I feel like combining the words “criminal” and “sex” achieves this perfectly. “Criminal” makes you think danger but then “sex” is like a nice thing that makes people happy. Perfect balance.

Now all I need are a few catchphrases to flush out this persona. “It’s sex crime time!” That one is obvious, number one with a bullet. “Time to steal some love,” that’s pretty good. “There are no laws when I make love,” hell yeah, solid.

Wow, this new name must be working already! The booker at the venue I’m playing this Friday just texted me saying he’s been getting a ton of messages about me and to call him ASAP. He probably wants to put me in the main room!