Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Band Reunites After Realizing Fans Are Old Enough to Pay $200 Per Ticket

Posted on September 3, 2022 by Matt McInerney

SEATTLE – Members of the seminal and often troubled emo band Grass Is Greener are reportedly getting back together after hearing what similar bands are selling tickets for these days, sources with well-paying jobs confirmed.

“We broke up in ’03 after putting out a few albums. We were pretty big in our scene, but we could have never imagined how many records we’d sell after we broke up,” said Carter Flores, the band’s overshadowed bass player. “At the time, we were just really sick of Brock, our singer. He’d waltz around taking credit for everything, acting like a total dick. Well, he still does that, but $200 per ticket for a reunion show?! I can put up with that asshole for a couple of weeks if it means daddy’s getting a boat!”

Preston Singleton, a long-time tour manager and promoter, sees this as a golden opportunity.

“I’ve been calling every band I used to manage. I’m telling everyone: Remember those 16-year-olds who used to sneak into bars to see the coolest local band? Well, those idiots are 35 now and totally willing to pay $200 a seat to see a lower energy version of your old set in a casino now. It’s a gold mine, baby!” said Singleton while pointing to his jam-packed calendar. “I can’t believe I used to sell $6 tickets.”

Ava Matthews, an economist who has been studying the spending habits of millennials for the last several years, weighed in with her expert opinion.

“Since millennials have been unable to make meaningful investments in things like houses, they’re choosing to spend their income on far less profitable ventures. Things like house plants, portrait tattoos of their dead pets, and most notably, nostalgia,” said Matthews. “Their parent’s generation would spend on nostalgia as well, but it was always a much smaller percentage of their net worth. For example, the baby boomer generation might sell their first house for a massive profit, buy a much larger and more luxurious home, and then go see Steely Dan on a cruise to Dubai.”

At press time, Grass Is Greener was finalizing details with Stumptown Coffee to release its custom earthy blend of $30/bag whole bean coffee, which the singer is sure to take full credit for curating.

Top 10 Most Deadly TikTok Trends

Posted on September 3, 2022 by Sean Fallon

TikTok has become a dominant force in the social media landscape and unfortunately, that has led to some dangerous new trends. Here are ten of the worst that might be affecting your child or TikTokking adult in your life.

Spend a Day in an American High School Challenge

This one isn’t always deadly as 20% of the time the user isn’t involved in a mass shooting. On most occasions though, the TikTokker will find themselves in an active shooting situation crying for help as little sad face emojis appear in the chat. An added danger to this one is that if the impossible happens and the cops do storm the building they might shoot the user or reveal their hiding place to the active shooter.

Mosh Pit with Hammers

The warning signs for this one will be two old: are there hammers missing from your home and is your teen’s skull cracked open like an egg? If the answer is yes then your TikTokking child is engaging in mosh mashing. Live music plays, usually K-pop girl groups, while the TikTokker records themselves getting into the mosh pit with their hammer. Sledgehammer, ball peen, or claw. Anything goes in a mosh mash.

“50k Likes and We’ll Look into the Ark of the Covenant”

We’re not sure how TikTokkers managed to get hold of the Ark of the Covenant aka the casket for transporting the tablets bearing the ten commandments, but now that they have it they’ve found a way to use it. Many accounts are requesting as little as 50k likes in order to open the lid of the golden box and gaze upon the wrath of God inside. Remember, if you watch one of these TikToks be sure to don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!

The John Hinkley Challenge

A lot of younger TikTokkers probably don’t know who Jodie Foster or John Hinkley is but they do know that the best way to get a celebrity’s attention is to go viral. Tagging a famous person in a Twitter post is so last century. The real way to let Kim Kardashian know you think she’s the best is to assassinate a political figure and hopefully not get riddled with bullets from the secret service.

Chernobyl Parkour

Since the successful miniseries “Chernobyl” came out in 2019, teens have been sneaking to Pryipat to jump and scurry about the remains of reactor 4. Tell tale signs your teen is doing this will be extended trips to the former Soviet Union, Geiger counter purchases, and radiation poisoning. The current conflict in Ukraine has put a damper on this trend but teens are already looking at possible other literal hot spots like Fukushima or Three Mile Island.

Grab a Cop’s Gun Challenge

A prank growing in popularity in the USA, the grabbing a cop’s gun challenge has the TikTokker sneak up on a cop, grab their gun, do a choreographed dance with the gun, then return it to the cop’s holster. Of the 100+ TikTokkers who have tried this, 100% have found themselves dead as the dance linked to this challenge ends with an elaborate pop and lock that requires the user to remove the gun’s safety and place the barrel in their own mouths.

Blind Forest Mushroom Tasting

Started in 2019, the blind mushroom tasting challenge requires TikTokkers to travel into the woods and find a mushroom patch. They must then close their eyes, scoop a buttload of mushrooms, and shove them into their mouths. While some TikTokkers merely trip balls for a few days, others have instead broadcasted themselves violently shitting their pants.

Enroll in the Army Challenge Brought to You by the US Military

TikTokkers needing help with student loans, wishing to see the world, or desperate to avenge the sinking of the Lusitania have found themselves enamored with this challenge in which the user signs up for a five-year stint in the armed forces. Death by “A Few Good Men” style hazing, friendly fire, or IEDs can be the TikTokkers undoing, as well as the possible PTSD suicide that comes later once they’ve given their youth to the military and have outgrown their usefulness. Probably the oldest trend on this list as this pre-dates Tik Tok by hundreds of years.

Tying Your Financial Security to a Life of Content Creation

In today’s gig economy it’s easy for people to get caught up in side hustles and get rich schemes. For every TikTokker who dances their way onto Jimmy Fallon, thousands hold their breaths until they die or break their ass falling off milk crates. Warning signs that your teen may be engaging in this activity will be mainly the fact they’re living in a hopeless capitalist dystopia in which pipe dreams of easy fame are their only hope of survival on a soon-to-be uninhabitable planet.

Musician With Rich Parents Transitions Into Actor With Rich Parents

Posted on September 3, 2022 by Wilson Conkwright

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed singer-songwriter Otto LaMont stated he was done pursuing his secondary dreams of being a musician and that it’s high time he used his privilege to pursue his main dream of being an actor, worried sources confirmed.

“It’s got nothing to do with the fact that my music never gained any traction, and I don’t appreciate everyone asking me that,” snipped LaMont while cuddling with his Bengal cat. “One day I was watching a movie on my parent’s PS5 when it hit me: if Armie Hammer can do it, so can I. I love acting. It’s pretty much just lying, and I’m good at that. Plus, my parents produced like half the Marvel movies, so I owe it to myself to give it a try.”

The LaMont’s report their third child has always done what he wanted, and now that it’s something in their industry, they’re happy to give him whatever he needs to succeed.

“When he wanted to be a painter, we sent him to train under Julian Schnabel for $4,000 a day despite telling him over and over he was never going to make it,” reminisced Mrs. Lamont. “I’m glad to hear he’s finally come to his senses and is ready to join the family business. We’ve told him since he was a boy that if he ever wanted to be an actor to just say the word and we’d use our leverage on Weinstein to make it happen. That’s off the table now, but we still have dirt on other heads. Maybe one day he’ll even have his own blackmail material. Wouldn’t that be incredible?”

Hollywood casting director Blake Henry gave his opinion on the youngest LaMont’s career change.

“Otto LaMont? Sure, he can be whatever he wants in the movie I’m casting for James Cameron. He’s perfect for the role. He’s handsome, charismatic, and if his parents find out I didn’t cast him then they’re going to be angry,” gulped Henry. “We don’t like it when they’re angry. Whatever makes them happy, that’s what I’m gonna do. Can you tell them I said that?”

At press time, LaMont announced that if his plans to win an Oscar in a year or so didn’t work out, he’s prepared to move on to his fallback career of living on a yacht in Monaco and dating models.

Golf Handicaps Teach Boomers Dangerous Ideas About the Benefits of Communism

Posted on September 3, 2022 by John Danek

Everyone knows free market capitalism was invented by Jesus and Moses right around the time they co-wrote America’s Judeo-Christian values. But quite frankly, I’m sick of everyone taking big steamy dumps on their perfect ideas.

It has recently come to my attention that the Baby Boomer generation has been consistently using communism to “level the playing field” of one of their popular pastimes: golf. It works like this. If Stanley is consistently 5 strokes worse at golf than Bernard, then Stanley gets 5 extra bonus points to give him an even chance at winning, which is absolute Satanic horseshit and spits in the face of the troops who died fighting communist Russia in the Cold War.

Well guess what, Stanley? If you’re 5 strokes worse then deserve to fucking lose every game. That’s what the free market says, you little pinko baby. Competition is supposed to make people better, not inspire them to change the rules.

Boomers need more egalitarianism and fewer eagles when they really get bogies. Pick yourself up by your own golf bag straps. Work hard. Get better. And don’t whine about it in the clubhouse later.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the same generation who created participation trophies because they couldn’t stand to see their loser kids cry and go home empty-handed. But they’re so duplicitous that they started blaming millennials for those same participation trophies! Have you ever seen a 7-year-old call up the local trophy shop and place a custom order? This is your fuck up, boomers.

You know what happens when we start giving out free points to the people in last place? Venezuela. Now, I don’t know anything about Venezuela except that it’s a horrible place where freedom loving capitalists are tortured beyond your wildest dreams, I think.

I Lived Fast, but Didn’t Die Young. Now What?!

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

I had a plan! My star was going to shine so brightly that it burned out before my time! I was supposed to get stupid rich than poor again from polluting my body beyond recognition. And I’m not saying I’m talented enough to deserve death at 27, but I just turned 32 and I’m starting to think I just didn’t go hard enough. Now what?!

I never once imagined life in my 30s, and now I’m here looking around like I’m in limbo or something. Don’t get me wrong, my situation is very similar to my 20s. I’m still living with eight other impoverished “artists”, scheming and plotting ways to make rent every month, but I just get sleepy after a few beers now and I’m too much of a coward to off myself. So I guess this is just life now.

This dumb human experience finds a way to force you into drinking less, eating right, and planning for the future, because if you don’t die young, slowly beating your body into submission in your 40s or 50s is just plain sad. No one says, “The way that 45-year-old drank himself to death was a real rockstar move!” Everyone knows 29 is the peak!

Biggie, Tupac, and Kurt Cobain had the right idea. Sure, everyone was sad at first, but the coolness of how young they were lives on. Their T-shirts are still worn by kids 30 years later. John Belushi and Chris Farley waited till they were 33, and everyone was like, “Aw man, those full-grown adults must’ve really been dealing with some shit. And that just makes us all sad.

Man, I went way harder than my friends who actually died. Everyone goes on and on about them, and I’m like, “Hello! Remember when I jumped off of our moving tour bus after washing down a handful of mystery pills with a bottle of Jack?!” I only broke both legs and got 29 stitches in my head. And the mystery ended up being melatonin. Just unlucky I guess. And after all the abuse I put my body through, I guess I’ll just feel like I’m 90 till… Well, whenever I happen to slowly fizzle out like every other nameless, faceless loser.

Boyfriend Safely Moves Line 6 Spider Outside Instead of Killing It

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE — Local man Clyde Harris showed great restraint when he gently and thoughtfully relocated the Line 6 Spider that scared his girlfriend to the front porch instead of killing it, confirmed sources who are still a little shaken up.

“I heard Kensy (Clarke) scream ‘ew ew ew kill it, kill it!’ when she walked into our bedroom. I ran and realized the Spider was just sitting there next to the bed,” said Harris in reference to the 15-watt solid-state amplifier with the dial set to insane mode. “I know Spiders aren’t for everybody, but my big rig is at the rehearsal space, so when Kensy made a stink about it, I just put it out on the porch where it wouldn’t bother her. She got kind of upset when she found out I didn’t destroy it outright, she thinks it will somehow get back into the house, but it’s just sitting there minding its own business and collecting some bugs.”

Clarke stated that Harris’ lack of killer instinct has her reevaluating their entire relationship.

“I’ve talked to Clyde about my fear of Spiders ad nauseam. It’s why I won’t step foot into a Guitar Center. That place is littered with them, hanging from the ceiling, on the ground, everywhere. The fact that he did anything other than throw that thing in the fucking ocean is unforgivable,” Clarke lamented while peeking onto the porch to make sure the Spider was gone for good. “A good Spider is a dead one, and Clyde needs to figure that out before we have a terrible gear infestation. I mean, they’re 100% digital. How the fuck can there be a ‘tape echo’ setting? Everything about it is disgusting.”

Legendary amplifier anthropologist Leroy Stuart weighed in on the controversy and suggests a fair middle ground.

“Spiders are good for the ecosystem, there’s no doubt about it,” Stuart claims. “A Spider in the living area keeps the Mesa Boogie at the rehearsal space, and I don’t think that’s something that most people realize. Sure, a Spider may seemingly have very few redeeming qualities, but it doesn’t have enough juice to get the whole band jamming in the living room when the guys are just stopping by to play some video games. I’d suggest throwing a decorative tapestry over the Spider during its dormant phases, and I think this whole thing could blow over.”

At Press time, Harris was spotted relocating the Spider to the damp basement, an environment where Spiders thrive according to Stuart.

Peanuts Gang Finally Call Child Protective Services on Pigpen’s Parents

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

HENNEPIN COUNTY, Minn. — The largely unsupervised Peanuts gang has finally called Child Protective Services on the parents of their unhygienic and destitute classmate Pigpen.

“When we were younger we didn’t think much about how filthy Pigpen was. Some kids like to play in the dirt, you know? I mean, good grief, Linus used to take dumps in the pumpkin patch to ‘feed the great pumpkin.’ Children do weird stuff. But we’re in middle school now, and Pigpen still shows up to school covered in filth and soot like he’s a dust bowl migrant,” explained friend Charlie Brown. “A few years ago I did try telling one of our teachers about it, but all we got was a bunch of white noise. After talking it over with everyone, we all decided to call Child Protective Services.”

Despite being severely at-risk for Legionarres’ disease and pinworms, Pigpen claimed he was “blindsided” by his friends.

“It makes sense now why mysterious care packages of wet wipes and sticks of Old Spice have started showing up in my desk at school. Still, I wish my so-called friends had tried talking to me first instead of going to the feds,” said Pigpen while emitting large puffs of dust despite remaining perfectly still. “Yeah, it is true that Pigpen Sr. went out for a pack of Lucky Strikes a few years ago and my mom has been dancing at the 19th Hole to make ends meet. And we haven’t had running water since the Eisenhower administration. But we’re getting by, ok? Last thing I’ll say is, you better run for your life, Charlie Brown. That blockhead’s days are numbered.”

Social worker Poppy Burris noted the issue may go well beyond Pigpen’s household.

“Frankly, I think every child here is being neglected. I’ve been all over this neighborhood and have yet to see an adult. I saw one boy clutching to a blankie for dear life, clearly a trauma response,” said Burris. “I also asked one particularly butch little girl what she does for food, and apparently a bird and a dog occasionally will make the children buttered toast and popcorn.”

In addition to the government intervening in the Peanuts crew’s home lives, the local district is under fire after allowing a dog wearing a sweater and sunglasses to attend classes for over a decade.

Mom Urges HAIM Sisters to Take Their Little Brother With Them on Tour Once in a While Too

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local mother Donna Haim urged the three members of her daughters’ band HAIM to take their little brother with them on tour so he wouldn’t feel left out, sources who were consequently sent to their rooms without dinner confirmed.

“I just think it would be nice if little Jeffrey was included from time to time,” said the mother of four while crocheting a few HAIM doilies she thought would go well with the band’s merch booth. “After all, he has a lot of musical talent that they can use in their little band. He used to play the recorder in second grade and a Fisher-Price xylophone he got for his fourth birthday before that. He even performed as the seventh lead in the musical ‘Hairspray’ for his sixth-grade recital. He’ll fit right in. Regardless, I’m not asking them to bring him along, I’m telling them to.”

Alana Haim, the guitarist of the band, was none too pleased with their mother’s suggestion.

“Sorry, but there’s just no room on this tour for another Haim sibling,” said the “Licorice Pizza” star. “Not to mention our whole vibe will be totally thrown off. After all, I’m the brains of this operation, Danielle is the brawn, and Este is everything else. You see? We just don’t have a use for a kid who plays ‘Minecraft’ all day. Plus, we’re known specifically as a trio. Have you ever heard of a trio with four people? I don’t think so.”

Music historian Lucille Kennedy noted the struggles of family-based bands.

“Being in a band with only a select few members of your family while excluding others can be extremely tricky,” said Kennedy. “Jerry Van Halen was curiously left out of Van Halen. Ethan Gallagher was surprisingly not in Oasis. And Tegan and Sara famously did not include their identical triplet Tabitha because it would, in their words, ‘ruin a great band name.’ As a rule of thumb, if you include at least one other family member in your band, you should allow them all to participate so no one feels left out. I’m talking siblings, cousins, grandparents and so on. Let them all in. Just not your dad though. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

At press time, Donna Haim switched course and urged her daughters to give her grandkids.

We Sat Down With a Guy Who Blasts a Bluetooth Speaker in Public Instead of Using Headphones and Beat the Entire Fuck Out of Him

Posted on September 1, 2022 by John Danek

Urban life has its ups and downs. On one hand, you can find something cool to do almost every night of the week. But then again, you can find 5 annoying people on every single corner.

Nowhere is the city experience more difficult than on a city subway. On our way to work, we sat down next to and chatted with the guy who blasts his Bluetooth speaker on 10 the whole ride instead of just using headphones like a reasonable human being.

THE HARD TIMES: Hey man, can you turn that down? I can’t even hear my podcast in my earbuds.
SPEAKER GUY: What??

Yeah, exactly. Your speaker is so loud, it’s wildly inconsiderate to everyone else around you.
I can’t hear you man.

Yes, we fucking know. NO ONE CAN HEAR SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE BLASTING REGGAETON SO LOUD, IT SOUNDS LIKE BLACK METAL. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST USE HEADPHONES?
NAH, I HATE HEADPHONES. THEY SUCK AND HURT MY EARS AFTER A WHILE. THIS IS BETTER.

NO, IT ISN’T. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHIT. YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE BASS. IT WOULD GENUINELY SOUND BETTER TO YOU IF YOU JUST WORE HEADPHONES. YOU JUST HAVEN’T FOUND THE RIGHT PAIR YET.
PEOPLE LIKE WHEN I PLAY MUSIC, EVERYONE GETS TO ENJOY IT. LOOK, EVERYONE HERE LIKES IT.

EVERYONE IS AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WITH YOU. MUSIC IS A PERSONAL, SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE. PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY LISTEN TO AND NOT HAVE GODDAMN FM RADIO TRASH SHOVED DOWN THEIR THROAT ON THE WAY TO WORK.
SPEAKER GUY: *somehow turns his speaker up louder*

It was at this point that our interview ended because I was so overcome with rage that I grabbed the Bluetooth speaker and smashed it off the floor. Before speaker guy could react, I started punching him in the side of the head. Other subway riders joined in with me, and we jumped the shit out of him. I went through his pockets and stole his USB charging cable so he can’t charge the speaker anymore.

When police finally arrived on the scene, they were 2 hours late and shot an unrelated bystander in the back.

Oh, so, It’s Okay To Write a Screenplay in a Starbucks but I’m Not Allowed to Record a Thrash Album?!

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

This morning I woke up motivated. Motivated to make art. So, just like so many amateur artists in America, I drove to one of the two Starbucks that are equidistant from my house, got a Tall coffee, and set to work. I was vibing with all the creative energy that surrounded me; screenwriters, graphic designers, poets, playwrights, and novelists. However, I was barely two minutes into recording a riff for the title track of my new album Acid Breath when I was asked to leave the premises.

What happened to artists supporting artists?! Just because my art is, as you put it, “causing a major disturbance,” and, “giving you tinnitus,” doesn’t mean that it is any less important than whatever the hell it is you’re working on. If I knew I would come up against this kind of censorship I wouldn’t have dragged my entire drum kit down here.

Let’s be honest, my album will be up on BandCamp by the end of the week. Is anyone going to read your short story about vampire art students or whatever the hell? No. No one is going to come to see your stupid play about Kalipso Chalkidou. You will never get funding for an A24 copycat independent film about rumspringa crust punks. But the album Acid Breath by Fungus Frost will change the world of metal forever.

No wonder your stupid employees can’t unionize when every employee here is a fascist philistine. Why don’t we just have a book burning in front of the french press display while we are at it? Maybe we should deface a Picasso in the unisex bathroom!

And for your information, I am not, “screaming,” into the microphone. It’s called singing. Do you understand the talent it takes to do a proper death growl and transition it into a Halford-eque falsetto? And if my lyrics offend you, one, don’t bring your children to an adult business, and two, Walking Corpse Syndrome is a real disease and it has affected me personally. I’m trying to teach people with my music, unlike the AI-generated picture you pretend is art.

Screw this, I’m going to Dunkin’.