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Golf Handicaps Teach Boomers Dangerous Ideas About the Benefits of Communism

Everyone knows free market capitalism was invented by Jesus and Moses right around the time they co-wrote America’s Judeo-Christian values. But quite frankly, I’m sick of everyone taking big steamy dumps on their perfect ideas.

It has recently come to my attention that the Baby Boomer generation has been consistently using communism to “level the playing field” of one of their popular pastimes: golf. It works like this. If Stanley is consistently 5 strokes worse at golf than Bernard, then Stanley gets 5 extra bonus points to give him an even chance at winning, which is absolute Satanic horseshit and spits in the face of the troops who died fighting communist Russia in the Cold War.

Well guess what, Stanley? If you’re 5 strokes worse then deserve to fucking lose every game. That’s what the free market says, you little pinko baby. Competition is supposed to make people better, not inspire them to change the rules.

Boomers need more egalitarianism and fewer eagles when they really get bogies. Pick yourself up by your own golf bag straps. Work hard. Get better. And don’t whine about it in the clubhouse later.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the same generation who created participation trophies because they couldn’t stand to see their loser kids cry and go home empty-handed. But they’re so duplicitous that they started blaming millennials for those same participation trophies! Have you ever seen a 7-year-old call up the local trophy shop and place a custom order? This is your fuck up, boomers.

You know what happens when we start giving out free points to the people in last place? Venezuela. Now, I don’t know anything about Venezuela except that it’s a horrible place where freedom loving capitalists are tortured beyond your wildest dreams, I think.