If You Want To Destroy My Sweater, You’ll Have To Face Me in Hand to Hand Combat

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey man, long time no see! I didn’t know you were invited to the after-party. Small world, huh? Did you happen to see — oh, my sweater? Yeah, I’ve had this for a while now. Kind of my go-to alt-rock show look digs. It belongs in a Goodwill incinerator, huh? Okay, well you’d be wise to hear me and know me: if you want to destroy my sweater, you’ll have to face me in hand-to-hand combat.

What, you think I’m wearing this sweater ironically like it’s 2007? I’ll have you know this sweater is a family heirloom, and my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if I did not defend its honor. This is one hundred percent combed cotton and I will one hundred percent stab you. Goddam. I am. So fucking amped right now.

No, your chance to keep your stupid opinion to yourself is over. It gone, bye bye. I’m assuming you’ve studied Krav Maga for over a decade like I have because that’s the only way someone will pry this thing off my body. I will fight any motherfucker at this afterparty, including that random girl I gave a ride here.

I’ll let you pick your weapon. Go ahead, anything in this room is at your disposal, though good luck getting close enough to even pull a single thread. No, I don’t think I’m being ridiculous. What if I just walked up to you and said that I wanted to destroy your tank top? Not that I would, because I’m fucking polite.

Listen, it’s not too late for us to be friends and just walk away. But if I catch you so much as take a glimpse at this loose thread, I’m liable to leave you lying on the floor in your Superman skivvies.

I’m serious. Touch this thread, and you will pull back a bloody stump motherfucker.

Anyway, so glad we’re all back together and stuff. Maybe next time we see each other you’ll find some fashion sense you Buddy Holly-looking jackass.

MIDI Keyboard Doubles As MIDI Thing To Stack Shit On

Posted on by Max Barth

ST. PAUL — Local woman Nicole Black converted her Novation SL61 MkIII MIDI Controller, originally purchased as a beginner instrument for music production, into a thing to stack shit on, sources report.

“I used to have a different keyboard, but it was too small, and I could barely fit any of my junkmail on top of it,” said Black while rooting around the pile for a parking ticket she lost last week. “Now I’ve got this beautiful piece of equipment with velocity-sensitive RGB pads, a semi-weighted keybed and plenty of extra room for the jumbled mess of craft supplies from when I tried to make a birthday card for my dog from scratch. And sometimes, I just need to come home from my soul-crushing day job and throw my keys and Contigo right on top of this thing before I collapse in a heap on my couch. As an artist, it’s all really liberating.”

Sam Ash employee Todd Kordowski, who sold Black the item, knows firsthand how popular multi-use audio equipment can be, particularly in an economic downturn.

“These MIDI controllers on the market now are more accessible and intuitive than ever before,” said Kordowski. “We can’t keep them in stock. From young students to older musical professionals, everyone seems to want one of these things so they can record at home, save the hassle and expense of visiting a traditional studio, and then use the keyboard to elevate a squeaky dinner table. These multipurpose keyboards can be found in-store for the deal price of $599.99, a steal when you consider that they also make excellent doorstops.”

Henri Lauder, Head of Design at Novation, says the flexibility of the product was intended from the start.

“We designed this controller to do everything a musician could want,” said Lauder. “It’s never been more important for artists without major label support to have affordable and dependable equipment at home to follow their passion. That’s why we made sure our newest models have extended batteries for on-the-go gig work, and that they can hold up to sixty pounds of the random crap our customers accumulate as their artistic dreams slowly die.”

As of press time, Black was seen searching the internet for advice on composting her controller now that the excitement has worn off.

Band Practice Derailed After Older Brother Hooks Up N64 in Basement

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

GRANVILLE, Ohio — Pop punk band Silver Glitter’s weeknight rehearsal was cut short when the drummer’s older brother hooked up a Nintendo 64 in the basement, confirmed sources in the middle of a “Goldeneye” tournament.

“I was trying to teach everyone the new song, but as soon as Nick came downstairs with that green translucent retro console with the three multicolored wires in the back, I knew it was over,” stated singer Mike Brannon while frantically looking up how to kneel in the game. “I was hoping we’d just play for a few minutes, but he also has ‘Perfect Dark,’ so I’m pretty sure this entire day is gonna be a bust. We have a show in less than a week that we are tragically unprepared for, though. So if I don’t at least get a few solid kills I’m gonna be fucking pissed.”

Sam Perth, the drummer of Silver Glitter, attempted to sell playing N64 as a team-building exercise.

“Part of being a band is collaborating, working together, and bonding, so playing games together is actually helping us,” Perth explained, despite knowing it makes no sense. “I fire this rocket launcher at you now, and when we’re on stage we’ll have developed a hive-mind-ESP-type-thing and play tighter. That’s science. I bet that if I felt like it, I could find like, three or four shoddily written academic articles on this exact situation. But I’m lagging way behind and I can’t come in last again. Nick has still been lording his previous victory over my head, and that was already 2 weeks ago.”

Scene elder Dave Raller commented on the familiarity of the situation, having seen several bands fall victim to similar distractions.

“There was a great post-hardcore band years ago that fizzled when the singer got that cable that connects Gameboys so they could battle Pokemon,” Raller reminisced. “The only band I ever saw survive this dreaded nostalgia trap was powerpop trio Bells of Marinara, and that’s only because they rebranded as a live-gaming group. That N64 is pure Kryptonite.”

At press time, Silver Glitter’s band practice officially ended when the bassist started crying and Mrs. Perth made everyone go home.

Remember That Band Taproot? Yeah, Me Too. Anyways, Good Seeing You. Let’s Do This Again Sometime

Posted on by John Danek

How was the 15-year reunion? I can’t believe it’s been a decade and a half since we graduated high school. Was Troy there? The three of us used to talk music all the time. I miss that fucker.

What was that one band he was really into? They were kinda nu metal. Oh yeah, remember the band Taproot? Yeah, me too. They were pretty decent. I think. They had that one album. Troy left it in your Durango for like, a year. It had “Downfall” on it.

Oh wait, nope- that was TRUSTcompany. All those bands kinda sounded the same to me anyways. I loved them at the time but I don’t really listen to that genre much anymore. Except for Deftones — they still crush it.

Taproot was decent. I saw them at Ozzfest once. Well, I didn’t actually watch them, but they played at the same time while I watched Black Label Society. Did you see that Zakk Wylde is going to fill in for Dimebag in the Pantera reunion? Weird. I don’t know, maybe I’ll go.

What was Taproot’s big song? Oh right, “Poem.” Their singer kinda sounds like the dude from Incubus, who I saw at a festival recently. They were ok. “Pardon Me” was in the Little Nicky soundtrack, remember that movie? Kevin Nealon has the tits on his head. Little Nicky is definitely underrated, ha ha.

How’s your mom doing? I’ll never forget that time we all came over to your house and she brought out a big plate of Oreos. Hope she’s doing well.

Oh, I’m not sure if you heard this but Evan died. Bizarre fishing accident. I don’t know specifically what killed him, but it was a closed casket funeral.

Oh speaking of, do you remember that show Kenny vs Spenny? The one where the two Canadian friends just fuck with each other? I found a bunch of episodes on YouTube. You can watch most of the series. They should bring that back.

Hey man, it was awesome seeing you. It’s been so long. Anyways, we should do this again sometime. Just make sure it isn’t another 15 years!

Black Hole Sun Would Come a Lot Faster if You’d Stop Asking It To

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SEATTLE – An enormous black hole sun capable of devouring the entire world and casting it into the void would come a lot faster if people would stop incessantly asking it to, sources familiar with the immovable force of nature report.

“There is absolutely nothing that makes you want to come less than being asked to come,” said the immeasurably dense pool of destructive gravity. “I want to release hot ions from my pulsing quasar, causing people to scream as their faces become distorted disfigurations of what they used to be. I’d suck up every last ounce of humanity as I cover the sky with my darkness and wash away the rain. I’d suck up not just the people, but all the lying snakes as well. But asking me to come 26 times isn’t going to help that happen. I mean, have you ever even been with a celestial body before? Because it doesn’t seem like it.”

Local grunge fan Kevin Yates seemed apologetic when asked about his contribution to the problem.

“I’m sorry, but it’s my first time doing this and I’m nervous,” said Yates. “I know black hole suns can sometimes have trouble coming, but I’m getting impatient. I can’t stand this shithole and its inhabitants anymore. There’s nothing that I’d like to see more than for all of them to be vacuumed up into the sky and have their atoms torn apart into their constituent particles. I hang my head, I drown my fears, and I pray for them to all just disappear. It feels like the times of honest men must be gone if I’m the last one who actually wants this to happen.”

Nihilist philosopher Elliot McDonald was asked to speak about the angst being described here.

“Whether the black hole sun comes or not doesn’t matter in the slightest,” said McDonald. “If not this black hole then another one will come along and consume the world in its holy fire. We are all just sleepwalking through our ephemeral youth that none of us can truly hope to keep. Everyone will die and it doesn’t matter what the method is. Much like any song by the band Soundgarden, there is no deeper meaning in all of this.”

At press time, it was reported that the black hole sun wouldn’t be coming at all, after rudely having its stuttering problem pointed out.

You Guys Actually Sounded Better From Outside

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

I had such a great time at your show! I’m so glad I went! Oh yeah, I stepped outside after the first 30 seconds. But don’t worry. Despite what you might have thought, I was supporting you. I definitely did not just go inside to show my face for 30 seconds and then go home. I was just outside because you actually sounded way better out there.

The sound waves blended together before passing through the walls of the building so from the sidewalk it was as if an engineer mixed the set. I was totally getting into it from down the street. It sounded awesome.

Inside you sounded really loud. Not in a bad way or anything but it was better slightly muffled from Nicki’s Pizza next door. Don’t worry though, I heard it through the adjoining wall. You crushed it.

That brick and drywall barrier to the outside acted like a natural compressor. You use compression in recordings, right? Well this was like an analog-analog version of that. It was great. And all the sibilance from the venue? Gone! Dude, it’s like your band had natural EQ and compression. Plus, the reverberations were isolated within the space so it had a side-chained echo chamber.

I’m telling you, it was awesome outside. I wish you could’ve been out there to hear it.

I must’ve just missed you at the end of the set though. I had to run. But I was right outside the door the entire time. I especially liked the penultimate song you played. It was my favorite. Alright, see ya later, let me know when the next show is!

“Williamsburg-Adjacent” Apartment Listing Actually In Pennsylvania

Posted on by John Danek

EAST STROUDSBURG, Pa. — Rental agent Bonnie Mallick advertised her East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania studio apartment as “Williamsburg-adjacent” despite being located almost 80 miles away, aggravated renters reported.

“If you consider the size of the universe as a whole, this apartment at 432 Gold St is practically touching Williamsburg compared to say, the Andromeda Galaxy. So yeah, it’s definitely adjacent,” stated a defiant Mallick, who also refuses to list square footage on Zillow listings. “And there is a Greyhound station approximately two walkable miles away which you could use to get to Williamsburg in less than 18 hours. You’ll be strolling past the hottest coffee shops and adorable shops in no time. Also, no utilities are covered by rent and there is a $600 monthly HOA fee which I couldn’t fit anywhere into the listing.”

432 Gold St’s outgoing tenant, Kirk Pond, became disillusioned with the promise of access to Brooklyn soon after moving in.

“The listing said that you can be in the heart of Williamsburg in minutes, which is technically true since it didn’t state how many minutes it would take,” admitted Pond, who moved into the apartment after accepting a gig as a bassist for a Williamsburg-based indie band. “My life has become a living hell ever since. I don’t know how to use a map, but one glance would have confirmed that this agent was lying through her veneer-covered teeth. Also, she definitely went to great lengths to brighten and saturate photos of the place which I had to accept sight unseen. It’s a fucking dungeon. Never, ever forget that landlords, agents, and property owners are all the scum of the earth.”

Economists offered a different perspective on choices regarding real estate and rentals.

“These little participation trophy-wielding babies are so picky about where they live, it makes me sick,” said Stan Lomax, columnist for Kiplinger’s Personal Finance. “I’ve yet to have a millennial rent one of my vacation homes in Jackson Hole, Wyoming which is only $7k per month. ‘Nooo, we need to be near coffee shops.’ They should all aspire to be more like my son, who managed to buy an amazing condo right in the heart of Williamsburg after I gave him $2.2 million to do so. He makes his own coffee every day instead of spending it down at the shop where it can cost upwards of five bucks.”

Mallick continued to stretch the bounds of truth in her latest apartment listing by using the bathroom sink as justification for advertising “in-unit laundry.”

Review: Nails “Abandon All Life”

Posted on by John Danek

The Hard Times is committed to reviewing every album that has ever existed, but we refuse to go in any logical order. This week, we revisit Oxnard-based powerviolence/grind legends Nails’ 2013 album, “Abandon All Life.”

Your favorite music ends up becoming the soundtrack of your life. That is, as long as you don’t have a bunch of loser naysayers demanding you turn it off.

I love Nails. Their frantic, unhinged music calms me down. So imagine my surprise when my now wife said that the first dance at our wedding couldn’t be “Absolute Control.” Apparently the title “sends the wrong message” and the song “will scare all of the children in attendance” and “make my parents want to kill themselves.” I’m waiting to hear the downsides. Uggh. Fine, whatever.

But relationships are supposed to be about compromise, right? So when the nurse recommended that we make a playlist of soothing music for when Tabitha goes into labor, my mind instantly thought of “Wide Open Wound.” Thematically, you couldn’t get more appropriate for the situation. But no, I had to watch my offspring enter the world to the brutal, disgusting tones of Jason Mraz. Truly horrific shit.

The last straw was when I lost my job. We had two kids and money was tight. Tabitha was at her wit’s end. I attempted a romantic gesture by learning how to play “Suum Cuique” on guitar. It’s their softest song by far- practically singer-songwriter fare. She did not take kindly to this. I mean, I perfectly imitated Todd Jones’ vocals. What more could she want?

We eventually got back on our feet. Upon filling out our wills together, I lied to Tabitha and said I left my phone in the attorney’s office. I ran back in, and added a clause stating that at my funeral, “God’s Cold Hands” will play through a 600w sound system as my coffin is lowered into the ground.

No one can take this last joy from me as I, ahem, abandon all life.

SCORE: 10/10 arguments with your spouse.

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Old Spotify Playlist Reminds Man of Embarrassing Music Phase He Went Through Three Weeks Ago

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local music enthusiast Derek Barnett was struck with embarrassment after stumbling across a Spotify playlist he created only twenty-one days earlier, sources that follow Barnett’s Spotify account report.

“Aquabats, Weird Al, The Lonely Island… Wow, I cannot believe how immature I was last month,” said Barnett while scrolling through the playlist. “I have like five songs from Bo Burnham’s ‘Inside’ special on here. Ninja Sex Party… LMFAO… Bloodhound Gang… my apartment must have had a carbon monoxide leak or something. I’m so glad to see how much I have grown as a person since I made this list. It’s like they say, when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Friends of Barnett, however, feel that he might have matured too much since making that playlist.

“I already miss ‘novelty song’ Derek. He just sent me a playlist called ‘Zen New Jersey,’ which is somehow pretentious and pedantic at the same time,” Barnett’s unrequited crush, Essie Mullins said. “Leonard Cohen, Pixies, Patti Smith. He is taking himself way too seriously now. Then he closed with Gil Scott-Heron which somehow feels like a microaggression to me. I have a feeling by the end of summer he will be really into jazz and using the phrase ‘it’s the notes you don’t play’ as if anyone knows what that even means. I might have to cut him out of my life before that happens.”

Music theory expert Bradford Wallace, Ph.D. has noticed this trend happening with most of the “Streaming Generation.”

“Music fans are burning through phases at near quadruple speeds than the generation before them,” said Dr. Wallace. “What might have once been someone’s identity for the entirety of high school, they are not flipping from punk to glam to industrial over the course of a semester. Kids no longer need older brothers or Tower Records’ listening kiosks to turn them on to new music, they have open access to all of the music in the history of the world but with that comes an ever mutating taste in music.”

As of press time, Barnett stated to have been “obsessed” with grunge over the course of a single evening.

Opinion: You Have To Tell Me Your Age So I Can See if I Should Feel Bad About Where I Am at in My Career

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

Congratulations! I am so happy about your success! Also, I’m spiraling and I need to make this about me. Just so I can compare, how old are you? If you’re older, you’re aspirational. If you’re younger, I’m going to cry for a week.

I am so proud of you for getting a record deal and an opening slot on that tour. I’m also absolutely devastated. At 25 I was making fifteen bucks an hour as a seasonal sales associate. Just to throw out some numbers, Bo Burnham filmed his first comedy special when he was 20 and at 28 wrote and directed his first film. And I, a 31-year-old, tweeted something yesterday and deleted it an hour later. This is a healthy comparison.

Seriously, how old are you?

I saw your post about being on the lineup for a sold-out show! That’s amazing! Can I ask you a couple of quick questions? What year were you born? At what age did you start performing? On Backstage it says you can play a 19-35, so which one is it?

It would make comparing easier if Variety legally had to put the ages of people right after their names in announcements. Just tell me so I can pinpoint the age at which I clearly fucked up. I need that pressure to push myself to succeed or give up.

Wait, hold on. I just saw a tweet from a writer who just got hired on a TV show and after going through her feed I found out she’s 42. Never mind, I’ve still got time.