Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

White Woman Hearing About White Fragility Quick to Remind Biracial Woman She Half-White Too, You Know

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Krissy Howard

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local white woman Donna Phelps helpfully reminded her biracial friend Mariah Dominguez that they are, in fact, partially white too, upon hearing the term “white fragility” for the first time, confirmed sources who wished to no longer be in the room.

“I was talking with Mariah and she said something about some new term ‘white fragility,’ I guess,” Phelps recalled. “She told me it’s about how white people get uncomfortable hearing and talking about racism and stuff, which is just so gross. Luckily, Mariah and I can learn through this whole thing together seeing as how she’s half-white. She’s got a toe in the pool too, so I’m actually not even sure why she’s being so adamant about this, but I guess it’s just my job to seem like I’m listening.”

While some friends have been open-minded in the most clueless sense of the term, others were a bit offended by the lesson.

“I don’t see the differences in people, so I guess I just never really thought of Mariah as particularly ethnic. I like to get to know people for who they are,” explained coworker and self-proclaimed friend Erica Kemper-Shore, whose knowledge of Dominguez extends only to the fact that they both like going to Five Guys for lunch. “Maybe some people might need to know these things, but to call white people ‘fragile?’ I mean, a racist joke is a racist joke, you can’t deny that. Black people can be racist too! Insinuating that everyone else is perfect just makes you look dumb.”

Friend in question, Dominguez, explained that everything went exactly as she expected.

“I honestly don’t even know why in the fuck this came up, but I’m not surprised it did and am definitely not surprised by how it went down,” she explained, of the 25 minutes spent listening to a hypothetical situation involving a Mexican woman and a security guard. “Basically, half of my life is spent fielding questions about every single type of food on Earth, and the other half is spent holding my breath around white people who feel completely comfortable saying racist shit around me, including at least half of my family. This is actually pretty mild in comparison.”

At press time, Dominguez was pointing a loaded gun into her mouth and pulling the trigger after a nearby person who “couldn’t help but overhear” assured the group that there is only one race—the human race.

New Father Suspicious of Wife and Black Metal Neighbor After Baby Born With Corpse Paint

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Tim Graham

BUFFALO, N.Y. — New father Gareth Desmond began to question his wife’s fidelity after she gave birth to a baby in full corpse paint which matched their black metal neighbor’s signature look, hospital staff confirmed.

“I love baby Elijah no matter what, but I have to admit I was a bit freaked out when I saw those creepy markings and his deep scowl,” said Mr. Desmond. “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I couldn’t help wondering—could this have something to do with my neighbor? Wendy has been taking guitar lessons from him, she started wearing Emperor long sleeve shirts, and constantly talks about wanting to visit the Scandinavian countries. She used to just be into pop music, maybe some indie stuff. But you know, good for her for pursuing new interests, I guess?”

Neighbor Damien Invictus of the black metal band Interminable Bloodmoon insists there’s nothing to be concerned about and that the relationship is strictly platonic.

“Wendy is my student, and yes, she’s become a friend,” said the long-haired guitarist while he sharpened an ornate Viking sword. “I’ve been able to introduce her to some new music and new ways of thinking and I was surprised how quickly she took to it. Eventually, I started showing her how to play some riffs, that’s all. As far as accusations of impropriety, that’s utter nonsense. If you look at the baby’s facial markings, you can see that it’s more of a modern Swedish style, while my own aesthetic is one hundred percent classic 90s Norwegian. Anyone can see how absurd the allegations of an affair are based on that fact alone.”

Geneticist Stephen Zhang says that while extremely rare, it is possible that repeated, prolonged use of makeup could be passed down to an offspring, lending some credence to Desmond’s suspicions.

“There is some research in the nascent field of cosmetic epigenetics that could explain such phenomena where superficial alterations to a parent’s body could be inherited by offspring,” said Dr. Zhang. “I recently researched the case of a heavily tattooed punk couple whose baby was born with a birthmark that clearly spelled out ‘ACAB.’ Some of my colleagues believe these occurrences are a natural extension of the evolutionary process. Personally, I blame 5G.”

At press time, Mrs. Desmond left her accounting job to serve as Interminable Bloodmoon’s tour manager and was planning on taking Elijah to join the band on the road for several months.

Power Metal Singer Recognized More for Being Guy Who Serves Turkey Legs at Renaissance Faire Than for Band

Posted on August 31, 2022 by Chris Bowen

STERLING, N.Y. — Local metalhead Johnathan Riccitiello admittedly received more recognition for serving turkey legs at the local Renaissance Faire than for his time in the power metal band Enchanted Light, sources confirmed.

“I thought it would be a good idea to get a side gig at the yearly Ren Faire aside from the hobby shop I work at, and the fact I can wear my stage attire there is icing on the cake,” Riccitiello said while searching for his eight-sided die. “Little did I know, I’d constantly be recognized as ‘turkey leg guy’ instead of as the bombastic singer of the group that came in third place in the most recent battle of the bands. It’s so bad that people will stop us in the middle of our set and say, ‘Oh hey! You’re the dork from the Renaissance Faire!’ No, actually I’m the power metal dork who’s trying to get through this set so I can make it to work on time at the Good Morrow Dub n’ Grub booth at the faire. Jerks.”

Riccitiello’s longtime girlfriend Rachel Dickinson detailed her boyfriend’s frustrations.

“It seems like whenever we go out in public, at least three or four people recognize John for what he does at the Renaissance Faire,” said Dickinson. “Occasionally, a metalhead will come up to him telling him he had a great set, but they’re still usually still somehow referencing something turkey leg related. I can tell it frustrates John, and I’ve tried to convince him to do the jousting tournament so his face can be covered, but I guess he needs a few more years under his belt to get to that level.”

Manager of the festival Donald Sterling revealed the connection between heavy metal and the renaissance arts.

“80% of the workers hired here are somehow related to one very specific genre of music,” Sterling exclaimed through a plume of cigar smoke. “I always thought heavy metal was supposed to be tough. Knife fights and partying nonstop and such. But no, half these guys wear elf ears and carry wooden swords, which coincidentally makes them very attractive to employers like me.”

At press time, a crowd gathered around Enchanted Light’s bass player after a recent show wanting to get an autograph from the Renaissance Faire’s Rumpelstiltskin.

Man Puts on Podcast for Something in the Background While He Listens to a Podcast

Posted on August 31, 2022 by Harry Valentine

ATLANTA — Local time management specialist Troy Washington played a podcast while he caught up on an entirely different podcast, sources confirmed.

“Total timesaver,” said Washington while listening to two songs at once to see if it had the same effect. “I’m way behind on The Daily, and you’re supposed to listen to that like, every day, even though it’s more arduous to get through than basic household chores. So while I was catching up on that podcast, I put WTF on in the background. By the time I had finished half-learning about some tax loophole, I had also finished half-hearing Marc Maron ask the Doobie Brothers where they grew up. Unfortunately, I was so busy trying to focus on both podcasts at once that I couldn’t get anything done around the house.”

While Washington is adamant that the innovation has no downsides, his roommate Jesse Blanco disagrees.

“He plays one podcast on a Bluetooth speaker, and the other on the kitchen Alexa. At the same time. Who does that?” said a visibly annoyed Blanco. “I came home from work one day and it was like walking into a boring party where everyone is invisible. Troy was just sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the Roku screensaver while simultaneously listening to This American Life and a podcast about ‘Gilmore Girls.’ I locked myself in my room to block out the noise, but it didn’t work. I could barely hear my Joe Rogan.”

According to the health officials, Washington’s behavior is part of a larger trend with major side effects.

“The laundry is simply not getting done anymore thanks to this new fad,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC. “Double podcasting removes the urge to do all the things people would do while listening to a single podcast. If these people don’t get salmonella from eating off of a dirty dish, then they’ll get tetanus from jamming a can into an already full trash bin. Since the double podcasting trend began we’ve seen a 4000% rise in commuting accidents. Turns out, humans weren’t built to focus on three things at once. One single thing is hard enough.”

At press time, Washington put on an episode of “Ted Lasso” in the background while he got caught up with the latest season of “Better Call Saul.”

ASMR Isn’t Sexual for Most People, but Thank Fucking God It Is for Me

Posted on August 31, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

Not everyone experiences autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR, the tingly brain sensation triggered by everything from whispering and crunching noises to the clacking sounds of a mechanical keyboard. But most who do will emphasize that the experience, though pleasurable, is not at all sexual. That’s why I’m so fucking lucky that it is definitely sexual for me.

Like, 100% sexual. There’s no other way to describe it. My brain interprets ASMR as pure carnal pleasure and I’m truly grateful for this gift.

I first learned I was special while watching a grainy clip of Bob Ross painting a forest scene full of evergreens. While many will tell you his how-to videos and soft-spoken voice help ease them to sleep, it did the exact opposite for me. Every stroke of his brush just got me more and more in the mood to “stroke” if you know what I mean, which you do.

Things really heated up when he took out his painting knife and started gently scraping the canvas to create the beautiful forms of distant mountaintops. When Bob unexpectedly smeared the paint and said his trademark phrase “happy little accidents,” I experienced a soul-shattering orgasm that no sexual partner has ever been able to match.

Soon, I moved on to watching hardcore ASMR videos. Like people with strong accents carving soap while whispering an account of the history of feudal European societies. Witnessing an 83-year-old Liverpudlian slowly hack away hunks of a Dove bar with a rusty blade is pure erotic ecstasy and sends me into a tantric, toe-curling tizzy.

Eventually, I started paying people on the internet for custom ASMR content. Admittedly, this lifestyle has become expensive. Now when I need to get off, the only thing that can get me there is putting on a $500 pair of noise-canceling Sennheiser headphones and listening to hours of someone rubbing an $800 microphone with makeup brushes, bubble wrap, and slime.

Honestly, I don’t really care what my wife, my bank statement, or the divorce lawyer says that this incredible feeling isn’t worth chasing. It’s a goddamn blessing to be different!

Review: Nails “Unsilent Death”

Posted on August 31, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

Our commitment to reviewing every album under the sun is unwavering. This week we review the Nails album “Unsilent Death” so you can ignore any other reviews about it that might exist.

Want to give someone a crash course in powerviolence that will leave them feeling bruised, bleeding, and eager for more? Just show them “Unsilent Death” and check in 14 minutes later. Every second of Nails’ ferocious debut feels designed to get under your skin and fester into the most horrific infection, one that would reject even the strongest of antibiotics. More than a decade since its release, it still thrills and frightens in equal measure.

It also makes me wonder why Kurt Ballou hasn’t responded to our request for him to engineer our album.

Ballou is a pretty major factor in why “Unsilent Death” is so good. And it’s no surprise. Whether with his legendary mathcore band Converge or any number of other artists, Ballou knows how to take the most intense sounds and somehow make them even more so.

So, how do we get in on this?

I’m not being presumptuous or anything. I get that he’s busy and probably gets, like, 100 demos sent to him a week. But I first messaged him four months ago and followed up last week. Nothing. I even referred to him as “Mr. Ballou” and mentioned The Huguenots. I don’t know what else I could do.

I described our attached demo as being like a mix of Full of Hell and The Locust. There’s no way that turned him off, right? It’s only seven minutes long. So, it’s not like we’re asking for too much.

We’re not just blowing smoke, either. We’ve been paying our dues in the Santa Fe underground scene for a while now. We’re ready for that next level. And frankly, Kurt’s ready for us. Not many other producers could handle our vigor. He could.

And we’re eager to hear his ideas! Nails probably came out of GodCity Studio a much better band than when they came in. Kurt Ballou albums just have a level of quality control that can’t be faked.

Ah, well. Maybe he’ll eventually come around and reply enthusiastically about producing the next Scrotum Scab album. If not, his loss.

Score: 5 out of 5 thundering blast beats and guitars that sound like chainsaws in a trash compactor.

Man Outgrows Band Emotionally, Band T-Shirt Physically

Posted on August 30, 2022 by Tom Peters

SUNNYSIDE, N.Y. — 37-year-old former punk Colson Rankford reportedly retired his favorite medium-sized band T-shirt citing newfound maturity and downplaying his slowed-down metabolism, relieved sources confirmed.

“This band and their music will always represent a very special time in my life. I put them on mix CDs for old girlfriends and I’d wear this shirt to every show I went to,” said Rankford, referring to the Urinal Hockey shirt he purchased after their Warped Tour set in 2005. “But I’ve grown as a person since then, songs about breakups and shitty hometowns don’t do it for me anymore. And yeah, it just so happens that the shirt is a little more snug than it used to be, but that’s completely unrelated to my broad new musical tastes. Pop-punk is just too constricting for me now.”

Despite claims to the contrary, coworker Brian Hatch believes Rankford’s outsized physique to be a major factor in his decision to let the band shirt go.

“He claims to be more ‘mature’ now but he hasn’t listened to any music released after 2008. The truth is that shirt was getting to be more corset than shirt. I thought I was going to have to cut him out of it like an EMT when he wore it on casual Friday a few months back,” said Hatch. “It got to the point where he couldn’t lift a hand above his head without the shirt snapping up over his belly like a broken projector screen, and it had to have been cutting off his circulation. When your hands are turning purple, it’s time to stop clinging to your youth.”

Carmen Ogden, the thrift store employee who received Rankford’s donation, recalled the bittersweet midlife rite-of-passage.

“He really wanted me to appreciate the significance of the moment, but we actually have a whole section for band shirts that older guys have attempted to ‘pass down.’ There’s even a makeshift bereavement lounge over by the furniture where they can collect themselves,” said Ogden. “Sometimes kids buy the shirts ironically, but they’re mostly there for other old dudes to look at before heading to the register with an armload of flannels; it’s kind of a service we provide.”

At press time, Rankford was ordering an XL t-shirt from the Urinal Hockey frontman’s new alt-country acoustic solo project.

Tragic: Ex’s Friend Thinks You’re Still Friends

Posted on August 30, 2022 by John Danek

SAN DIMAS, Calif. — Local delusional man Scott Marin thinks you and he still have a friendship despite you dumping his close friend Rosa Levinson months ago.

“It’s so weird. It was a messy, dragged-out breakup, yet dipshit-ass Scott over here is still sending me memes every day as if our entire friendship wasn’t one big social sham that ended the minute I said Rosa and I should see other people,” said you, who has really started turning your life around after the breakup. “Rosa and I had weeks of fights and hard, emotional conversations. It got ugly! And Scott is tight with Rosa so he clearly knows this. But he keeps sending me pictures of Santana with the guitar Photoshopped out to be a fish, or videos of people falling off rope swings. Leave me alone already. The breakup was hard enough.”

Marin appeared to be oblivious to the social fractures caused by the breakup.

“It’s such a bummer that they couldn’t make it work but the way I see it, I end up with two friends now,” said Marin, who similarly doesn’t realize that he shouldn’t talk to coworkers about his pornography preferences. “My birthday party is coming up in a few weeks, and I’m looking forward to seeing both of them there. I bet they’ll be on great terms by then. You know that old saying, ‘Once you say Hi!, we’re friends for life.’”

Relationship experts admit that the effects of a breakup on the wider friend circle can vary wildly from person to person.

“Breakups can be confusing, cataclysmic events for not only the couple but also their family and friends,” stated Dr. Eileen Ross, relationship therapist in San Dimas. “But sometimes you get these weirdos who have a total inability to read the room and see where the lines in the sand are drawn. These morons think that they genuinely are pals with their friend’s beau. Nope, it’s a relationship of convenience and necessity. And when it all comes crashing down, all ties should be cut immediately.”

Marin continued to confuse the hell out of those around him by announcing plans to spend Thanksgiving at his dad’s second ex-wife’s house.

I’m Only Swiping for Your Dog, Because I Am Going To Have Sex With Your Dog

Posted on August 30, 2022 by John Danek

Hi, I’m Andrea, 28, and if I’m being honest, I’m only swiping for your dog lol!

Take me on an adventure! I love to explore and go on road trips while blasting music. My favorite album of all time is the Pants version of blink-182’s Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. Especially the deep cuts.

Some nights I like to just stay in, open a bottle of wine, and watch Netflix until it’s way too late. My favorite shows are Scooby-Doo, Hudson & Rex, and the Disney+ Turner & Hooch remake. Good vibes only!

But seriously, tell me more about your dog. It’s not one of those little yippie, tiny pups, right? I prefer a heartier, more masculine kind of dog. Pitbull? German Shepherd? Rottweiler?

Ok, you might be picking up on a theme here. I’m going to cut to the chase. I have minimal interest in dating you. But I do have substantial interest in having sex with your dog. Or should I say, “making love.”

I will obtain consent! I’m not some sexual deviant who goes around forcing myself on dogs. That would be kinda fucked up. My dog medium is an expert and really knows how to get consent via the proper channels. “No” means “no” and I totally respect that. Hell, I’ve been turned down more times than I’ve been approved. Do you know what it’s like to be rejected by a dog? Fucking brutal.

I pay well! Like, really well. This is my only hobby. I loathe hiking and all that shit. But to keep up appearances, we should at least act like we’re dating. It’s just easier that way.

Full disclosure- I am wanted in 9 states and commonwealths. The U.S. judicial system just doesn’t understand anything beyond the narrow worldview of the white supremacist Christian founding fathers. So when we go “adventuring” together, let’s keep it on the west coast. Those Mid-Atlantic types are a bunch of strict Puritans. How does your dog do in the car?

I’m not looking for any drama. So if you’re thinking about squealing to the feds, I’ll end you.

And FYI I’m really into bourbon and Taco Tuesday.

We Moved Out to the Country To Eat Free Peaches and It Turns Out a Lot of Peach Farmers Have Guns and the Peaches Aren’t Free

Posted on August 30, 2022 by Stephen Bell

Having grown discontent with the drudgery of modern-day life we decided to move out to the country to eat a lot of peaches. And yes while there were millions of peaches present, as the farmer’s shotgun informed me, they were never free or for me.

Those peaches were put there by a man, and that man had clearly killed before, and I was terrified.

Stealing said peaches were apparently against the law and I found myself soon evading the 5-0 in some sort of Dukes of Hazard-style chase.

With the country no longer being a viable option, I tried going to the factory downtown to get some peaches. Naturally, I preferred fresh peaches but I’ll take canned ones if available. Pie is my favorite way to eat them. Except those bastards wouldn’t let me in because of some bullshit about ‘employees only’. When I, an able-bodied man, offered to put them into cans, they rejected my application. It turns out they’d been tipped off about a wanted peach thief and I found myself running again.

I sat alone in a buggy marsh, day after day waiting for the heat to cool off, but the law caught up with me eventually.

I’d say we need to impeach the PsOTUS if they hadn’t broken up already. Now if I had my little way, I would sue them everyday, for enough money to actually support my dream of eating peaches in the shade amongst the twisted roots of my favorite tree. Instead, I got a cop poking his finger up inside my butthole during this cavity search to make sure I’m not hiding any peaches up there. Nature’s candy in my butt.

My love of peaches has now gone completely rotten and I feel squished by the system. Hopefully once I get out of jail though I can start a fresh new life in a land of opportunity. I was thinking about Cleveland because I heard a song once telling me Cleveland rocks.

Our commitment to reviewing every album under the sun is unwavering. This week we review the Nails album “Unsilent Death” so you can ignore any other reviews about it that might exist.

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