Press "Enter" to skip to content

I’m Only Swiping for Your Dog, Because I Am Going To Have Sex With Your Dog

Hi, I’m Andrea, 28, and if I’m being honest, I’m only swiping for your dog lol!

Take me on an adventure! I love to explore and go on road trips while blasting music. My favorite album of all time is the Pants version of blink-182’s Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. Especially the deep cuts.

Some nights I like to just stay in, open a bottle of wine, and watch Netflix until it’s way too late. My favorite shows are Scooby-Doo, Hudson & Rex, and the Disney+ Turner & Hooch remake. Good vibes only!

But seriously, tell me more about your dog. It’s not one of those little yippie, tiny pups, right? I prefer a heartier, more masculine kind of dog. Pitbull? German Shepherd? Rottweiler?

Ok, you might be picking up on a theme here. I’m going to cut to the chase. I have minimal interest in dating you. But I do have substantial interest in having sex with your dog. Or should I say, “making love.”

I will obtain consent! I’m not some sexual deviant who goes around forcing myself on dogs. That would be kinda fucked up. My dog medium is an expert and really knows how to get consent via the proper channels. “No” means “no” and I totally respect that. Hell, I’ve been turned down more times than I’ve been approved. Do you know what it’s like to be rejected by a dog? Fucking brutal.

I pay well! Like, really well. This is my only hobby. I loathe hiking and all that shit. But to keep up appearances, we should at least act like we’re dating. It’s just easier that way.

Full disclosure- I am wanted in 9 states and commonwealths. The U.S. judicial system just doesn’t understand anything beyond the narrow worldview of the white supremacist Christian founding fathers. So when we go “adventuring” together, let’s keep it on the west coast. Those Mid-Atlantic types are a bunch of strict Puritans. How does your dog do in the car?

I’m not looking for any drama. So if you’re thinking about squealing to the feds, I’ll end you.

And FYI I’m really into bourbon and Taco Tuesday.