BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local white woman Donna Phelps helpfully reminded her biracial friend Mariah Dominguez that they are, in fact, partially white too, upon hearing the term “white fragility” for the first time, confirmed sources who wished to no longer be in the room.
“I was talking with Mariah and she said something about some new term ‘white fragility,’ I guess,” Phelps recalled. “She told me it’s about how white people get uncomfortable hearing and talking about racism and stuff, which is just so gross. Luckily, Mariah and I can learn through this whole thing together seeing as how she’s half-white. She’s got a toe in the pool too, so I’m actually not even sure why she’s being so adamant about this, but I guess it’s just my job to seem like I’m listening.”
While some friends have been open-minded in the most clueless sense of the term, others were a bit offended by the lesson.
“I don’t see the differences in people, so I guess I just never really thought of Mariah as particularly ethnic. I like to get to know people for who they are,” explained coworker and self-proclaimed friend Erica Kemper-Shore, whose knowledge of Dominguez extends only to the fact that they both like going to Five Guys for lunch. “Maybe some people might need to know these things, but to call white people ‘fragile?’ I mean, a racist joke is a racist joke, you can’t deny that. Black people can be racist too! Insinuating that everyone else is perfect just makes you look dumb.”
Friend in question, Dominguez, explained that everything went exactly as she expected.
“I honestly don’t even know why in the fuck this came up, but I’m not surprised it did and am definitely not surprised by how it went down,” she explained, of the 25 minutes spent listening to a hypothetical situation involving a Mexican woman and a security guard. “Basically, half of my life is spent fielding questions about every single type of food on Earth, and the other half is spent holding my breath around white people who feel completely comfortable saying racist shit around me, including at least half of my family. This is actually pretty mild in comparison.”
At press time, Dominguez was pointing a loaded gun into her mouth and pulling the trigger after a nearby person who “couldn’t help but overhear” assured the group that there is only one race—the human race.