Not everyone experiences autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR, the tingly brain sensation triggered by everything from whispering and crunching noises to the clacking sounds of a mechanical keyboard. But most who do will emphasize that the experience, though pleasurable, is not at all sexual. That’s why I’m so fucking lucky that it is definitely sexual for me.
Like, 100% sexual. There’s no other way to describe it. My brain interprets ASMR as pure carnal pleasure and I’m truly grateful for this gift.
I first learned I was special while watching a grainy clip of Bob Ross painting a forest scene full of evergreens. While many will tell you his how-to videos and soft-spoken voice help ease them to sleep, it did the exact opposite for me. Every stroke of his brush just got me more and more in the mood to “stroke” if you know what I mean, which you do.
Things really heated up when he took out his painting knife and started gently scraping the canvas to create the beautiful forms of distant mountaintops. When Bob unexpectedly smeared the paint and said his trademark phrase “happy little accidents,” I experienced a soul-shattering orgasm that no sexual partner has ever been able to match.
Soon, I moved on to watching hardcore ASMR videos. Like people with strong accents carving soap while whispering an account of the history of feudal European societies. Witnessing an 83-year-old Liverpudlian slowly hack away hunks of a Dove bar with a rusty blade is pure erotic ecstasy and sends me into a tantric, toe-curling tizzy.
Eventually, I started paying people on the internet for custom ASMR content. Admittedly, this lifestyle has become expensive. Now when I need to get off, the only thing that can get me there is putting on a $500 pair of noise-canceling Sennheiser headphones and listening to hours of someone rubbing an $800 microphone with makeup brushes, bubble wrap, and slime.
Honestly, I don’t really care what my wife, my bank statement, or the divorce lawyer says that this incredible feeling isn’t worth chasing. It’s a goddamn blessing to be different!