ATLANTA — Local time management specialist Troy Washington played a podcast while he caught up on an entirely different podcast, sources confirmed.
“Total timesaver,” said Washington while listening to two songs at once to see if it had the same effect. “I’m way behind on The Daily, and you’re supposed to listen to that like, every day, even though it’s more arduous to get through than basic household chores. So while I was catching up on that podcast, I put WTF on in the background. By the time I had finished half-learning about some tax loophole, I had also finished half-hearing Marc Maron ask the Doobie Brothers where they grew up. Unfortunately, I was so busy trying to focus on both podcasts at once that I couldn’t get anything done around the house.”
While Washington is adamant that the innovation has no downsides, his roommate Jesse Blanco disagrees.
“He plays one podcast on a Bluetooth speaker, and the other on the kitchen Alexa. At the same time. Who does that?” said a visibly annoyed Blanco. “I came home from work one day and it was like walking into a boring party where everyone is invisible. Troy was just sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the Roku screensaver while simultaneously listening to This American Life and a podcast about ‘Gilmore Girls.’ I locked myself in my room to block out the noise, but it didn’t work. I could barely hear my Joe Rogan.”
According to the health officials, Washington’s behavior is part of a larger trend with major side effects.
“The laundry is simply not getting done anymore thanks to this new fad,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC. “Double podcasting removes the urge to do all the things people would do while listening to a single podcast. If these people don’t get salmonella from eating off of a dirty dish, then they’ll get tetanus from jamming a can into an already full trash bin. Since the double podcasting trend began we’ve seen a 4000% rise in commuting accidents. Turns out, humans weren’t built to focus on three things at once. One single thing is hard enough.”
At press time, Washington put on an episode of “Ted Lasso” in the background while he got caught up with the latest season of “Better Call Saul.”