Air Conditioner Water Dripping on Crust Punk’s Head Technically Counts as Shower

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local crust punk Ben “Diggz” Cooper asserts that the steady drip of a window-mounted air conditioner he stood under for 15 seconds is “as good” as any shower, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I knew I needed to look somewhat presentable for my sister’s upcoming wedding,” said Cooper while his dog ate the remains of a discarded roast chicken. “I planned on doing my normal routine and going to the car wash to hose myself down, but on my way there I noticed a lot of water dripping into a murky puddle on the sidewalk and realized I could save myself $4. Man, I forgot how refreshing a shower can be! I used some hand soap I took from a Mighty Taco bathroom and it was like I was in a fancy spa. Honestly, I feel like the King of England, people don’t even dry heave when I ask them for a cigarette.”

Linda Nowak, the owner of the apartment and air conditioning unit, witnessed the bizarre sight.

“I went to look out my window to see if my Grubhub driver was there, and I saw this rough-looking guy in his underwear taking the slowest most ineffective shower in the history of mankind,” Nowak explained. “Remember that viral video of the NYC rat supposedly washing itself? That’s what it looked like! Except this guy totally looked clueless during the entire process. I mean, I guess it’s fine that he wants to wash using my AC water, but it seriously looked like a Caveman seeing fire for the first time or something.”

Longtime Buffalo punk scene veteran Don Chlebek gave a little bit of history on the hygiene practices of local crusties.

“Ahhh yes, when I heard the story about Diggz bathing under the AC unit, it brought me back to the days of old. Back when punks used to improvise a bit when it came to not being stinky,” said Chlebek while pulling up his dingy pair of pants. “If we had a court appearance or something, a quick way to freshen up would be to rub yourself down with a slightly used urinal cake, sit beside a campfire for a few hours, or jump in the lake and hope for the best. None of it actually works, but that placebo effect can give you the confidence you need to get through the day.”

At press time, Cooper was seen using half a bottle of Febreze to try and mask his stench for the wedding.

Photo by Jana Miller.

I Don’t Understand Why We Still Do Internet When Black Mirror Proved It Was Bad in 2014

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s been said that life imitates art, but from where I’m standing, it never learns from it. Here you are, reading this article on the internet, an invention that the television show “Black Mirror” proved would doom us to a world of Machiavellian horror, meritocracy-based confinement, and for some reason pig fucking.

Seriously, everyone is just okay with this?

When people first started doing the internet it was just a convenient way to shop and masturbate to things that were embarrassing to seek in real life. But when the greatest minds of our civilization, television writers, sat down and extrapolated the natural trajectory of the world wide web, they predicted a digital hellscape.

They created the series “Black Mirror” to warn humanity of the doomed road it was on. In it they proved that the internet, while pretty cool at the time, would go on to do bad stuff like manipulating the population, copying our minds, and making Jon Hamm act against type. The world’s response? An 8.8 on IMDB. Pretty, good, but not great.

When you wake up to find that you’re just a copy of yourself downloaded by some pervert you work with to satisfy his depraved appetites, don’t say that you weren’t warned.

Holy shit. The black mirror is our SCREENS when they aren’t on! I JUST realized that!

Every tweet you send brings us one step closer to a world where our children become apps and love is punishable by execution on reality television. Every time you click like on a photo of your friend’s brunch or child, what you’re really liking is a digital dystopia where cold, emotionless algorithms make everything all creepy and weird all the time just to like, scare us.

A lot of the bad stuff from “Black Mirror” has already come to pass. People are addicted to video games, Donald Trump was elected president, and I can’t crack TikTok because the Chinese government considers me a threat I assume. Do the future a favor and throw your devices into the ocean to prevent more of “Black Mirror’s” cautionary tales from becoming a reality, except for the Star Trek one because that seems cool.

Well It Wouldn’t Be “Self” Medicating if You Grew a Pair and Prescribed Me Whiskey

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

People call whiskey a crutch, but through the good times, the bad times, and the boring times, it’s more of a companion. So when this psychiatrist started throwing around hip new buzzwords like “self-medicating“, I was like, “Okay buddy, maybe I’ll stop doing your job for you if you grow some stones and write me a whiskey ‘scrip!”

Whatever your poison, these shrinks are all just pissed off that we can cope without them. At first, I was flattered that he thought of me as a medical professional, self-administering shots of Jack, but soon his tone of judgment and disapproval became clear.

Oh, so the drug I chose is bad, but you just so happen to have the magic pill?! Sounds a little infomercial-y to me.

How can you have a problem with whiskey when I wouldn’t have been able to bring up these so-called “issues” in our sessions without it?

Sometimes I’m not even “self” medicating at all. One time, at this Tiger Tits show, the singer shot whiskey into my mouth with a super soaker. More got in my eyes than in my mouth, but still, Dr. Tiger Tits knew what I needed. Sometimes a bartender starts pouring that shit straight into my mouth. Relax you COVID nuts, I don’t suck from it like a calf anymore… I open-throat it like a baby bird!

Sure, like any great medication whisky has negative side effects. Side effects that I believe would be far less severe if this quack stopped forcing do down Jack Daniels every god damned day a prescribed me clean, medical grade whisky, produced in a proper lab.

I just don’t get why it’s so all-or-nothing with whiskey. Like, if you think I drink too much, take your little pad out and prescribe me a regimented intake. When I wake up in cold sweat from a stressful dream, one shot. When I’m scrambling to get the kids fed and out the door for school, and now I’m rushing to work without showering or brushing my teeth, two shots! When a mental health professional diagnoses me with clinical depression and wants to turn me into some pill popper, three shots!

You can write it out in milliliters or CCs to keep it “professional” or whatever. Just nut the fuck up and do it already, my kids have soccer tonight!

Fan of the Most Popular Metal Band in the World Upset Other People Are Listening to Them

Posted on by Charlie Carey

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Rust Jenkins expressed his disgust that several people he knows began listening to his favorite underground metal band following the conclusion of the fourth season of “Stranger Things,” confirmed sources close to the situation.

“It’s like nothing else matters,” said Jenkins while washing his Metallica comforter after spilling a bottle of Metallica branded maple syrup onto his bed. “All these new posers are coming out of the woodwork saying they like Metallica all of the sudden because they were on some bullshit Netflix show. I discovered them the old-fashioned way; by watching them hundreds of times on MTV and listening to them on rock radio every single day. It makes me sick to think the next time I see Metallica I’ll be surrounded by a stadium full of fair weather fans and dorks.”

“‘Master of Puppets’ isn’t even their best song,” added Jenkins. “These dorks should check out the deeper cuts like ‘Enter Sandman,’ ‘Until It Sleeps,’ ‘The Memory Remains,’ ‘The Unforgiven,’ ‘Nothing Else Matters,’ ‘One,’ ‘The Day That Never Comes,’ or ‘My Apocalypse.’”

Alice Henderson defended her recent Metallica fandom and why she hadn’t supported them when they still played clubs in the early ‘80s.

“I was born in 2007,” said Henderson. “I’m only 15. Metallica has been a band for 41 years. That’s older than my parents. I didn’t choose to be born nearly 20 years after Metallica released their best album, but now I have a bunch of dudes with multiple DUIs saying I’m not a ‘real fan.’ You would think that adults have better things to do with their time, but I guess not. That generation is so soft.”

Music historian Vincent Smith expressed his concern for the future of fan bases being invaded by posers.

“Nothing’s sacred anymore, I mean, what are people going to pretend to like next, Kate Bush?” said Smith. “This new generation of music fans have no idea what it’s like to buy a record or CD and look through the liner notes to discover new bands. If I hadn’t looked at the liner notes in the Offspring ‘Smash’ album I might have never discovered Rancid. Instead these kids are being spoonfed the hits, and soon they will listen to the entire Metallica discography, listen to ‘Load’ and realize they made a huge mistake.”

At press time, Jenkins was holding court at a local bar yelling about how if these “fans” were real, they would listen to other smaller metal bands as well like Slayer and Black Sabbath.

Art School Couple Having Trouble Choosing Which Terrible Movie They’ll Pretend to Love This Week

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Sophomore Cinema and Media Studies power couple Rumi Saito and Kyle Reynolds are having difficulty selecting a dogshit film they will spend most of the runtime pretending to love and understand no matter how terrible it is, annoyed roommates confirm.

“Tonight’s choice is difficult: ‘Citizen Kane’ or ‘American Beauty.’ I can’t decide which movie about men with mental health issues we should lose interest in halfway through. How do you choose between a post-mortem therapy session treasure hunt or the story of a creepy dad who’s trying to bang teenage girls played by a guy that was trying to bang teenage boys? They’re both such… poetically tragic portrayals of Western masculinity’s collapse, I think,” said Saito while trying to look like she gave a shit. “Most of my peers are content watching the same mindless drivel cranked out for the MCU, but I’d honestly rather dissect classic films like ‘The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie’ because the performances in that movie are far more powerful than any superhero.”

Reynolds expressed similar devotion to the power of cinematic storytelling.

“I get physically ill seeing realistic depictions of interpersonal conflict, so I’m struggling to pick which movie will fuel my simmering existential terror tonight,” Reynolds explained while gathering up popcorn, soda, and prescriptions. “Last week, we viewed Paul Thomas Anderson’s ‘There Will Be Blood,’ and watching it felt like I was being yelled at by my dad from his hospital bed all over again. The anxiety sweats and stomach ache I endured made it a masterpiece because you have to suffer debilitating amounts of intestinal pain to understand art.”

Indiana University Media Studies professor Dr. Cordett Nelson has yet to decide if Saito and Reynolds are art-savvy critics with a meta-understanding of film or if they chose the arts to score cheap drugs and bullshit their course work.

“I’m pretty sure they’re like most art students: full-of-shit-trust-fund-jackoffs, but I’ve never stopped thinking about their presentation on the futuristic—yet accurate—portrayal of lactose intolerance in ‘A Clockwork Orange,’” Dr. Nelson revealed while pretending to care about the essays he was grading. “They made me realize I had never seen someone be allergic to milk before I saw the film. Maybe they’re onto something.”

The couple was unavailable for further comment as they were snorting lines of Adderall to help them finish a class presentation establishing the neo-Marxist tenets of Minions movies.

Conservatives Demand Representation With Openly Racist Marvel Hero

Posted on by Ben Friedman

FORT MEYERS, Fla. — Conservative advocacy group Bring Back America’s Heroes petitioned Marvel to update their roster of heroes with a character who is openly and unabashedly racist, industry insiders reported.

“For too long we’ve had to endure superheroes of different races, creeds, and colors acting like they’re better than us because they can fly and have the greater good in mind. We are calling on Marvel to do the right thing and give the silent majority a superhero who believes this country was better when it was segregated,” said petition creator Hank McDonald. “It’s hard for me to believe that having super strength and wanting America’s borders to be closed indefinitely are mutually exclusive. We just want a hero in which we can see ourselves, someone who doesn’t want affordable housing built in their neighborhood.”

Signers of the petition sounded off on “woke” heroes and demanded Marvel be more inclusive of their ideology.

“You can’t go anywhere without some PC bullshit being shoved down your throat, and all these reboots have phased out solid, red-blooded American fictional men in tights. Ever since I found out the Punisher hates cops and the X-Men are some civil rights metaphorical bullshit, I’ve felt like I have no voice,” said Trevor Mills. “It’d be so easy, too. Like, what if it was someone who lives in the suburbs and patrols the US-Mexico border called ‘Texas Man’ or something. I mean I don’t read comics ‘cause they’re for fucking nerds but it would just be nice to know there’s a meta-human out there adorned in a Big Dog t-shirt and MAGA cap fighting the libs.”

Marvel executives were aware of the petition but didn’t indicate that they would be taking it seriously.

“Seems like every week some fair weather fan emails us in all caps because they saw a brown person in a cape. We want to include all walks of life and backgrounds in the MCU pantheon, but last I checked characters keen on marginalizing an entire group of people based on race were, you know, the villains,” said Marvel rep Louise Francesca. “We’ve already done standalone stories for Dr. Doom and Magneto, but if these folks are looking for something obscenely backward, they’re more than welcome to read ‘Tin Tin in the Congo’ and then promptly fuck off.”

After days of relentless pressure, Marvel announced they would release a one-off “What If?…” issue in which Peter Parker attends the University of Alabama.

How to Spot the Warning Signs Before a Friend Becomes a Real Estate Agent

Posted on by Dave McNamara

Life can be hard. The demands of school, work, our social lives, and family can make it difficult for even the most stable of us to stay afloat. So what happens when those of us who may not be that stable are dealt a blow like a breakup, getting fired, or decades of reckless behavior coming back to haunt you all at once?

For some, this can lead to a decision that no one wants to see a loved one make: becoming a real estate agent. So how can you spot the warning signs before they take that tragic step? Keep an eye out for some of these tell-tale signs before it’s too late:

Changes in appearance
– Excessive blazer usage
– Wearing dress shirts that cover up the tattoo on their forearm of two PBR cans sixty-nining one another.
– Always smelling like either TJ Maxx cologne or jasmine air spray
– Uncommon hygiene practices like actually shaving or wearing deodorant

Changes in behavior
– Having an annoyingly positive outlook on any situation
– Giving unsolicited updates on refinancing rates or constant reference to “the market”
– Actually being able to explain the concept of “escrow”
– No longer engaging in activities they once enjoyed, like sharing a gram of coke on the toilet paper dispenser at TGI Fridays on a Wednesday night

Changes in how they speak to you and others
– Constant references to ‘dormers’ or ‘backsplashes’ in other houses
– Thinly veiled racist comments on “up and coming” neighborhoods
– Referring to the 250 sq. ft basement studio they rent as “Cozy”
– Answering their phone by giving their name, not ‘sup dickhead?

Changes in what they post online
– Photos of beautiful outdoor scenes or houses accompanied by “not a bad day at the office”
– New social media accounts popping up using their actual name, not scumfuc82
– Using hashtags like #business #entrepreneur or #myvoicejustnaturallysoundslikethisihaventbeenpartyingallnight

Remember, sometimes the warning signs are not clear-cut. They might be evasive while just starting out due to shame or guilt. But without intervention, it could very easily lead to invitations to open houses you will never be able to afford or being asked to give business cards to friends and colleagues. More than anything, this dark road will usually lead to them being a total buzzkill to hang around with.

While 90% of real estate endeavors are simply phases that will pass due to a lack of skills and talent, it’s important to try to be there for your friends and loved ones before it’s too late.

“Anti-Flag Street Team 2002-2005” Punk’s Only Job Experience on Resume

Posted on by John Danek

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — 39-year-old punk Terry “Scratch” Palmer’s job hunt continued to flounder due to his resume’s sparse experience section, which consists only of time on punk band Anti-Flag’s street team, sympathetic friends reported.

“No one respects the effort I put into spreading the gospel of Anti-Flag back in the early aughts. I don’t get how that isn’t enough to get me another job,” stated Palmer, who has yet to come up with a decent explanation for his resume’s decade-and-a-half gap. “I’d awkwardly stand outside local shows, force introverts to take a flyer, and watch them throw it away four strides later. Brutal work. This was before social media made street teams obsolete, which was tough on me emotionally. I’m finally ready to re-enter the workforce, and every business keeps rejecting me. Fucking capitalists.”

Waverly Hecton, manager at 4th Street Produce, confessed that her interview with Palmer was one of the worst she’s ever conducted in her career.

“Seriously, what is a street team? I’m 26, so this sounds like some esoteric elder millennial bullshit,” recounted Hecton, who interviewed Palmer at the insistence of his mother. “Terry refused to explain what his job responsibilities were and kept repeating ‘Dude, if you weren’t there, you’ll never really understand.’ Ok, but did you handle money? Interface with the public? Use an inventory system? I had to pass. Out of curiosity, I’ve since listened to a few Anti-Flag songs. Honestly, they’re a little too preachy for my tastes.”

Career coach Mike Limmert has special experience in coaching members of the punk community on their paths to employment.

“Punks need to learn what is and isn’t a job. Booking shows in your basement does not make you an expert in ‘Hospitality Management,’” said Limmert, who recommends that all current and former punks investigate local trade schools. “Don’t claim you know ‘graphic design’ if you only ever used Photoshop to add a penis into your friend’s wedding photos. And no, loading in equipment is not manual labor experience, even if it does prove you can lift over 50 pounds. Most of these guys skipped on helping carry shit anyway.”

Palmer’s resume also listed Anti-Flag’s Justin Sane as a reference, who, when reached for comment, found no record of Palmer ever actually being a member of the street team.

STUDY: 83% Of Accidents Result From Drivers Deciphering Vanity License Plates

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A study at the University of Rochester concluded that a staggering 83% of all traffic accidents are directly related to drivers attempting to read and decode vanity plates.

“It really didn’t come as much of a surprise when our research unveiled the correlation between unclear vanity plates and car accidents,” said Ruth Helmsley, analytics expert at the University of Rochester. “When we sent out test vehicles for our study, the results were clear and thorough. A Prius we equipped with a plate that read ‘ICUP’ was almost instantly wadded up by an F-150. While seemingly harmless, vanity plates should be used with extreme caution, and drivers should maintain a safe three-car distance from any vehicle with a unique license plate as a precaution.”

Derek Parks, the proud owner of a 2007 Honda Accord with custom plates, weighed in on his driving experiences.

“When I finally decided to settle on my choice of plates, I knew I’d be the talk of the town,” said Parks while a pile of steaming twisted metal laid behind him. “I mean, think about it: ‘AZZ4LNCH.’ It’s hysterical! Unfortunately, it was so hilarious that the semi-truck driver behind me stared at it for too long and accidentally plowed right into the back of my car. In hindsight, I probably should have just gotten a naked lady sticker or something more straightforward instead.”

Longtime New York DMV official Janet Lynch explained how the state government is reacting to the results of the study.

“We believe that the issue of vanity plate-related accidents is one to be taken seriously,” said Lynch. “The department is using our powers to limit the purchasing of custom vanity plates. One change we are implementing is that a form will need to be filled out explaining what exactly the plate is trying to say. For example, a plate reading ‘FKURMOM’ would probably not be issued anymore while one reading ‘FUCK-YOUR-MOM’ would be easily approved since it’s technically legible to fellow drivers. Basically, the message of your plate needs to be clear and direct.”

At press time, the DMV issued a formal statement warning pickup truck drivers of the increasing dangers of floppy truck nuts.

Standing the Test of Time: This Aging Singer Has Been Inappropriate With Three Generations of a Fan’s Family

Posted on by Doug Kolic

There are some things in this world that truly stand the test of time. The Pyramids of Giza, Machu Picchu, the sad Keanu meme. Well, now there’s something else we can finally add to that list. This aging singer has true musical longevity as evidenced by the fact that he’s managed to be inappropriate with three generations of one fan’s family!

That’s what makes old-school rocker “Johnny Brash” so unique. No, not his music. That’s always been dog shit. But it’s his ability to ignore boundaries and social context by acting improperly with so many fans for so many decades that puts him on the Mount Rushmore of timelessness.

Cheri Archer, the fan in question, spoke about her family’s encounters with this legendary musician. “My mom took me to see Johnny perform in ‘85 when I was a senior in high school,” stated Archer. “We tried to get an autograph from him after the show but instead he asked us our bra sizes and if we wanted to party in his limo.”

“Decades later, I took my own daughter to an outdoor music festival and, upon returning from the merch area, she told me that a disgusting old rocker driving around in a golf cart blitzed out of his mind asked her what her bra size is and if she wanted to party in his Astro van. She had no clue who he was but I sure did.”

The Hard Times attempted to contact Brash, whose real name is Walter Sapkowski, but his representative (who was clearly Walter doing a high-pitched voice) stated he was busy preparing for his upcoming trial.