How Caring for Houseplants Improved Our Mental Health by Giving Us Complete Power Over a Living Being

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Taking care of one’s mental health can be exhausting in this age of climate change, economic free-fall, and neighbors who play the zither. Fortunately, there are more options than ever for self-care including remote therapy, medication, and good old-fashioned repression of all your compounding trauma. However, the best way to improve mental health is by caring for a houseplant and feeling a constant surge of power like a burning drug in our veins as we contemplate how we could kill this living being at any time, with no consequences.

Did you know houseplants reduce anxiety? Scientists have concluded that the ability to look at a growing, verdant plant in your living space reduces your anxiety at a rate directly proportional to the stress you put the plant in by slowly sipping from a glass in front of it while asking it how long it’s been since it was watered.

According to studies, the sensory engagement you get from caring for a houseplant can help with depression. Similarly, berating a peace lily every day before you leave for work gives it the kind of sensory engagement that makes it fear your return. This fear will strengthen you. Delicious, delicious fear.

Lastly, caring for a houseplant will bring you mindfulness. Keep yourself centered by reminding yourself that you control every aspect of this plant’s existence and even if someone knew about this, they could do nothing. Who would even care? There are no plant laws. To that plant, you are the law.

Dexter Holland, Milo Aukerman, and Greg Graffin Leave Bands to Form Study Group

Posted on by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Three legendary punk frontmen, Dexter Holland, Milo Aukerman, and Greg Graffin, all departed their respective bands to join forces and prepare for “a real bitch” of an organic chemistry midterm, academic sources confirmed.

“This is the most pumped I’ve ever been about a collaborative project,” said Bad Religion vocalist Greg Graffin, Ph.D. “The decision to step away from my bandmates wasn’t easy, but the opportunity to riff about organometallics and nucleotides with the two hardest motherfuckers in natural science is just something I can’t miss. Milo is a giant in the molecular biology scene, and it was his idea to bring in Dexter for his microRNA expertise. I was reluctant at first because Dexter isn’t an Ivy Leaguer, but I thought he’d at least be good for carrying our books around and ordering pizza for us. I guess you could think of him as our bassist. Enough talk. Time to make some flashcards and rip this o-chem test, ya-hey!”

But not all fans greeted the new power trio’s announcement with enthusiasm, as some expressed outright skepticism about the group’s compatibility.

“I’m really trying to be excited about this, but there are too many glaring deficiencies,” lamented longtime punk pulmonologist Dr. Geoff Robinson. “Three guys with terminal research degrees in biology disciplines? Pretty redundant. You may as well try to build a band around three lead singers. Why didn’t they add a physicist to handle the really tough equations? They need a statistician to manage data and actually think about probability models. I’m sure they’ll dominate all the questions heavy on bio theory, but that’s essentially the problem with some of these supergroups. They do one thing really well, and everything else is just awkward filler that won’t impress their audience or professors.”

Reception of the news among affected bandmates was just as cold.

“I thought Dexter was done with this nerd shit,” complained Noodles. “We play packed shows with tons of smoke show MILFs in the crowd and his reaction is to go fuck around with his chemistry set. I wish Greg and Milo wouldn’t encourage him. I wish they would just throw a football around like normal dudes. If I keep showing up in public with Dexter people will think I’m a dork by association and forget about all my sick guitar work on ‘Smash.’”

At press time, remaining members of the Descendents workshopped ideas for “Milo Goes Back to College.”

/**/

Upstate New York Puts Up Sign Commemorating “23 Years Without a Woodstock”

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ROME, N.Y. — Upstate New York officials unveiled the first of many signs commemorating over two-decades of keeping the region Woodstock-free at a solemn ceremony last Monday, several sources still wearing mud-stained tie-dye shirts reported.

“There are few communities in our region that haven’t been touched by a Woodstock,” said New York State Senator and former Mayor of Saugerties, Jacob Thomas. “The next generation doesn’t remember. They don’t understand the threat, but as I speak, stories of a reunited Limp Bizkit have been reported and we could see throngs of dangerous individuals roaming our streets in red baseball caps.. We must remain vigilant, and these signs are a reminder to all that we are committed.”

Woodstock ‘99 attendee Russell Friedman shared how his first-hand experiences shaped his opinion on the new sign.

“You just can’t do it again…it was a time, a place, it was magic. We were all so young. Maybe some would call us naive thinking we could make a difference,” said Friedman. “But there we were, proving them all wrong, surviving for three days on nothing but ecstasy and Slim Jims. Back then we called it free love, now grabbing some random chick’s boob is called assault. I don’t think Kid Rock would approve of that sort of misandry.”

Not everyone is pleased with the idea; many angry locals believe the signs are not enough and support statewide restrictions on 7-string guitars and any sheet of plywood larger than three square feet.

“I don’t care what it takes, put up a wall if you have to. Never again. It changed me,” said John Therman, who served as a member of the Woodstock Peace Patrol. “Last time I heard a Korn song on the radio, my friends said I dropped to the floor and started singing incoherently, like I was possessed. One time, I walked into a Stewart’s and just lost it. I started shouting about how much they charged for water, set a display of Funyuns on fire, then stole $1500 from the register. I carry this trauma for life.”

Senator Thomas announced that at least 30 more locations for additional signs have been approved and all funds will be raised by a benefit concert taking place in Utica in a few weeks.

Vocal Track on Neutral Milk Hotel Album Fixed With WD-40

Posted on by Richard Circuit

BOSTON — Local indie rock fan Nathan Rottenberg finally fixed the squeaky-sounding vocal track in Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” record with a couple of squirts of WD-40, sources confirmed.

“A dose of the good stuff and it was as smooth as Sinatra,” said Rottenberg, finally able to get past the first song. “It just needed some good old-fashioned WD, some warm breath, and a couple of rubs with my sleeve. Now this album sounds like it could get played on iHeartRadio or any top 100 radio station. Just like how I imagine Neutral Milk Hotel would’ve wanted.”

The original producers of the album had never even thought to use a product commonly sold at hardware stores to correct the vocal track.

“And here I was trying to adjust the treble and use simple pitch correction techniques, but that didn’t work at all. However, back in the day, I did make some progress on the album’s singing saw track, which people don’t realize is actually a piccolo. Never could that thing exactly right though,” said the original producer Robert Schneider, wearing an acid-singed jumpsuit. “Turns out, a bit of WD-40 transforms this whole album into mostly ballads and bubblegum pop songs. Also, now that I can hear the lyrics more clearly, it sounds like this singer guy had a huge crush on Anne Hathaway or something.”

Local music historian Brant Holmes noted other prominent albums that were “fixed” after using simple household products.

“A Wheetus album was once repaired with the help of some leather cleaner, a few classic Smiths’ vocal tracks were dramatically improved using Drano, and King Krule’s voice tone saw impressive results when Dr. Bronner’s was applied directly to the record,” said Holmes. “However, it was noted that no product will work on Machine Gun Kelly songs. It’s best just to take an open flame to them and hope for the best. Sounds like the local producer for MGK was in Home Depot for hours trying to find just the right thing to no avail.”

In related news, the makers of WD-40 partnered with Sub Pop Records to make an at-home album correction product exclusively for vinyl records.

Oh Fuck: We Sat Down With Kendall Jenner to Name 3 Slayer Songs and It Turns Out She Knows Way More Than Us and Now She’s Asking Us Questions

Posted on by Zac Lux

*TO EDITOR: I’M BEGGING YOU. PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH.*

The Hard Times: Hey, nice shirt. Name 3 songs.
Kendall Jenner: Ok. Off which album?

Their earliest one, obviously. Pfft.
You want me to name three songs off, Show No Mercy, then?

Yes. It was a trick question, to see if you actually knew what it was.
Well there’s Antichrist, Evil Has No Boundaries, and of course Die by the Sword, which are all classics in their own right. But my favorite track off Show No Mercy might be Black Magic. That riff is so fucking sick and Tom’s vocals are haunting. I think Show No Mercy may be my favorite album. That or Reign in Blood. You should give it a listen sometime.

Pfft—give it a listen, we’ve listened to it before. We at the Hard Times collectively have listened to every punk and metal album ever created.
Haha, of course, so sorry to have doubted you. Next question.

Uhh yeah we definitely had more questions Ummm… Okay, so we covered the three songs. Can you name three… members?
Tom Araya, Kerry King, Dave Lombardo, and the late great Jeff Hanneman. Additionally, not one of the founding members, but Gary Holt started filling in for Jeff when he was sick, and continued playing with them after his passing. Now Holt, who, despite him not liking me for wearing Slayer merch, which was heartbreaking to hear, was the perfect choice to pay homage to Jeff. I mean the guy has been friends with [Jeff] and the rest of the band for so long, like since they were kids. Being such a talented guitarist and a pioneer of thrash itself, he was the right guy for the job. Though I’m not sure if I’d ever have the guts to tell him that to his face if I ever had the opportunity to meet him. He’d probably call me a poser, and I don’t think I could handle hearing that from a hero of mine. Outside of Slayer, Exodus is one of my favorite bands. Thrash would be nowhere without them. I think they should’ve been included in the Big Four. Get Megadeth out of there. Dave Mustaine is such an ass.

Right… Well, technically you’re incorrect because you kind of named five, but we’ll give it to you. Can you name three times you’ve seen them live?

I saw them twice in the early 2000s on the God Hates us All tour after begging my mom to bring me, and then was lucky enough to catch them on their hopefully not “final” tour. Tickets were expensive, but I’m a millionaire so I splurged on the pit tickets for my sisters and me. For legal reasons, they didn’t put the footage into Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I think they were worried about a Lars Ulrich-type situation or something. Can you name three times you’ve seen them live?

Well they aren’t really heavy enough for me.
Oh. Ok. But surely you can name three of their songs?

Well outside the easy ones you mentioned there’s Angel Breath, St. Anger, and uh, Blood Rain?
Close—Angel of Death and Raining Blood. And although St. Anger unfortunately exists, it’s by a different band. Do you know the name of that band?

Ghost.
What? Eew, no. Okay, this one is easy, name 3 albums.

I, uhh…
You’re doing great, sweetie. Just name 3 albums.

Please!
Name. Three. Albums.

Poohoooooo! I can’t! I can’t do it, okay?! I’ve never listened to them once in my life! I’m afraid! With all the spooky artwork and screaming! Listen, if I don’t look like I listen to Slayer—then I’m outta a job! I’m begging you, please don’t tell them! Please don’t tell them I’m a poser!
Oh dear. Okay, my advice to you: do your squats, eat your vegetables, wear red lipstick, and for the love of God, listen to fucking SLAYER!

Man Hits “Sitting at Synth, Pressing Buttons Without Turning It On” Level of Depression

Posted on by John Danek

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Amateur musician Erik Mulvaney is so depressed that he frequently sits at his synthesizer and presses keys and buttons without ever powering it on, concerned loved ones reported.

“I could flip the switch to turn my synth on, but what’s even the point?” asked a dejected Mulvaney, who recently spent hours making multiple Tidal playlists he has yet to listen to. “I always thought my lack of songwriting motivation stemmed from my lack of decent gear. But nope. I finally got my dream synth; a Sequential Prophet-10. There’s just nothing inside me. So why turn it on? Why make noise? It’s all pointless anyways. The keys and switches feel nice though. Leave me alone.”

Mulvaney’s friends noticed a steady decline in his general demeanor and sense of optimism.

“I knew something was up when he finally got a Hologram Microcosm pedal, then let it sit in the box in his entryway for weeks before opening it,” recounted roommate Luke Johnson, who plays in four local bands with just a Squier Telecaster. “Back when we were teenagers, he would get so excited about any piece of gear that came his way. Hell, he would call me to talk about guitar picks for fuck’s sake. But nowadays? He just dropped $4K on a synth and doesn’t even want to hear it. I just wish I knew how to help him.”

Dr. Nikki Randall, a mental health professional, offered theories as to why creatively-minded people can experience deep bouts of depression.

“When you’re a young musician, you can blame your lack of inspiration on your shitty gear. But when you’re an adult with money? The excuse just doesn’t work anymore,” explained Randall, who specializes in art therapy. “Then, the artist is forced to look inward and must ask if they ever had true artistic inspiration to begin with. Unfortunately, the answer is usually no. But when people realize that that’s ok, they sometimes turn around. There are already too many musicians. The world doesn’t need another one!”

At press time, Mulvaney was allegedly refusing to replace a broken E string on a Martin acoustic that has been broken for weeks now.

Review: Modern Baseball “Holy Ghost”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Today let’s take a trip all the way back to 2016 to take a look at “Holy Ghost” from Philadelphia-based emo band Modern Baseball.

To prepare myself to write this article I did the only thing I could think of, which was to read other reviews of this Modern Baseball album to see if I can just copy and paste what they wrote and call it a day. While the other reviewers all did a bang-up job, none of their articles were plagiarize-worthy.

So I took matters into my own hands and decided to review this album myself. But to make things a little more interesting, I opted to review the version of the album when played backward on my record player.

Again, this review is based on “Holy Ghost” in reverse, so if you want one of those normal reviews where they listen to it forwards then I suggest you go to Pitchfork or maybe even just listen to the album yourself. That’s probably easier than reading.

Anyway, everyone knows that when you play a record in reverse the first thing you look for is the subliminal messages baked into the recording. Bands love to hide little secret messages that are either demonic-based or reveal some fairly personal information.

Take the Beatles, for example. Some say that if you play every single one of their songs in reverse the band reveals that Paul McCartney is dead. And here I was thinking it was John, George, and Ringo who weren’t alive anymore.

Slayer on the other hand has been known to back mask different kinds of subliminal messages in their songs. They go the more evil route though. Turns out, adding satanic imagery to music when played backward pairs well with satanic imagery heard forwards. You got to love their consistency.

That brings us back to the messages in this Modern Baseball album. In the song “Note to Self,” I clearly hear the line, “like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.” Then, in the song “Breathing in Stereo,” you can kind of hear the singer say, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

Long story short. This album has as many catchy hooks and jingles backward as I imagine it does forwards. Haven’t yet played it the regular way just yet. Anyway, stay tuned for the forward review of this album one day.

Score: 5 out of 5 product placements.

/**/

Band Honorably Goes Down With Flooding Rehearsal Space

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BRATTLEBORO, VT — Brave members of the late synth-punk band Ejector Seats experienced a flood from a burst sewage pipe in their rehearsal space, during which they decided to play on, sources close to the group confirmed.

“You could tell from the look in their eyes that they knew it was the honorable thing to do,” said a tearful Kerri Smythe, partner of lead keyboardist, who was invited to watch the band practice that day. “They paused just a moment to salute one another and admitted what an honor it was to serve in the Seats these past few years, and then continued their set as if murky water wasn’t rising up to their belly buttons. As for me, I got the hell out of there!”

Though many recalled the calamity with sentimentality and awe, others were merely confused why anyone would intentionally meet their demise in such a way.

“The pipe was in plain view, and quite frankly, not that difficult for any idiot to re-attach temporarily until a professional got there,” said local plumber Lonny Vermucci Jr. “Going down with your crew is a romantic idea if you’re on a battleship or something, but going down with your keytar? In a basement full of shit water? That confuses me.”

Noted Navy oceanographer Bob Ballard had a more sympathetic viewpoint and offered his plans for a full-on investigation of the wreckage.

“Between you, me, and the barrier reef, I’ve been looking for an excuse to rev up the ol’ Argo, which has been collecting dust in my garage since exhuming the Titanic,” said an excited Ballard. “Through sonar, I should be able to pinpoint all the vintage synthesizers down there, and learn what made these guys tick.”

“Oh, and I call dibs on a Microkorg, if we find one,” Ballard added. “I need that built-in vocoder for my upcoming ambient album ‘Sounds From Way, Way Down.’ I still regret not swiping anything from the damn Titanic.”

At press time, recorded audio from a distress call made by one band member in secret revealed that the group ended up drowning in only three feet of water.

If I Don’t Wear My “Fuck Joe Biden” Shirt to This Child’s Birthday Party, How Will All the Other Parents Know I’m an Alpha?

Posted on by Steve Esparra

It’s hard work being one of the only true Alpha Males left in this world. A major part of being an Alpha is constantly letting everyone know that you’re an Alpha. The last thing an Alpha like me has time for is explaining my superiority to a bunch of strangers one by one. That’s why, as an Alpha Male, I have to wear my “FUCK JOE BIDEN” shirt to my niece’s 4th birthday party today, as an alpha.

Some of you may think that because it’s a party full of children I should wear my censored, secret-code “Let’s Go Brandon” shirt. Well isn’t that some soy-boy, mocha chocolate bullshit? Someone has to teach these kids that life doesn’t care about your fragile little feelings. You’re going to run into people in this world who don’t sugar-coat anything.

If one person leaves that party without knowing I’m an alpha lone wolf who doesn’t give a fuck about their feelings I will cry myself to sleep tonight, so “Fuck Joe Biden” shirt it is!

Don’t like it? TOO BAD PUSSY! The “Let’s Go Brandon” shirt is reserved for weddings, funerals, and job interviews if my Beta, bitch-boy recruiter ever sets any up for me.

And I am just HOPING that one of the parents attempting to raise obedient little worker bees says something to me about it. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than teaching some cuck a lesson in front of his son, to show him what a REAL man looks like. I bet he even teaches his kid not to hit, so he probably won’t even attempt a swing at the pinata. Which should be Joe Biden, by the way.

By the end of this party, if I can convert even one of these kids from a cute, innocent, naive little sheep into a blood-hungry, take-no-prisoners lion, isn’t that worth it? I even brought a printout of Dr. Fauci for the kids to play pin the tail on the JACKASS with. Knowing my bleeding heart liberal sister, she probably won’t even let me put it up.

Save the liberal, crocodile tears for someone who gives a shit. My right to wear what I want does not end where your kids’ feelings begin. And if anyone has a problem with it, I will just sic my son Donald on them.

We Ranked These Nightmare Dream Creatures Coming Through the Walls Because Our Acid Hookup Is an Asshole

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Expanding your consciousness has been the dream of humanity from time immemorial. From the first days of eating weird mushrooms and hoping that something other than death happened to that episode of Mad Men when John Slattery and his wife do LSD, we have always found ourselves sitting down with horrific monsters and asking ourselves: how do they stack up?

We ranked these nightmare dream creatures coming through the walls in every direction, invading our consciousness with five-dimensional geometry that cannot be described by any sane mind, and singing songs of pure madness, because Anthony sold me some bad shit. Let’s run them down, in ascending order of terror!

#5: The giant cockroach that I can sense was once us from a different universe, but managed to claw his way into this one and force me to think of how I never truly understood by anyone else! Just so-so. We have had worse anxiety attacks from cold brew.

#4: Machine elves, but with knives where their eyes should be! A step up, but wasn’t Anthony the one that loaned us that copy of The Invisible Landscape by Terence McKenna in the first place? The knives aren’t great, especially when they start talking about how computers are nothing but silicon organs that will soon have mouths and a need to feed, but there’s a little bit too much logic for it to be truly terrifying.

Joke: #3: An alleyway that goes on forever, but somehow is also a beast that knows everything you have ever done wrong! Now we’re getting somewhere. This particular nightmare dream has a lot of what we look for in a psyche-destroying vision that will haunt us in stray thoughts for the rest of our lives.

Fuck, Anthony. Fuck. Fuck.

#2: A word that opens our third eyes, but only to the dark region of the netherworld in which a being known only as the Mother waits to draw us in, and tells us there is no salvation, no future other than reunion with the Mother and her infinite spines. Yeah, this is the good stuff. We are definitely destroying a whole lot of vital brain cells right now.

#1: Anthony! Okay, this one was a real dark horse, but it turns out that Anthony dropping by to apologize for the shit he gave us is the most terrifying thing that we could ever experience. Imagine realizing you’ve achieved complete ego death because of a dude who wears Teva sandals all the time.

Whooooooooaaaaa.

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