Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Seedy Venue Owner Almost Certain Band’s Tour Van Was on Cinder Blocks When They Arrived

Posted on September 10, 2022 by Chris Bowen

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Notorious Owl Haus music venue owner Steven Bennet was confident that punk band Vampire Byte’s suddenly wheelless tour van was on cinder blocks when they arrived, several shadowy sources confirmed.

“I kept telling those guys I’m an honest man, and I honestly swear I saw them pull up to the show in a van on cinder blocks. I mean, you don’t stay in the live music business for 3 years by lying to people,” said Bennet while watering down his bar’s liquor bottles. “I was actually quite insulted that they’d question the reputation of my establishment. After all, I was kind enough to send them to a guy I know that could hook them up with a set of oddly identical wheels that just so happened to be the exact size they needed for as little as three times the price they paid for them. Ingrates!”

Vampire Byte frontman Sean McDowell weighed in on the bizarre scenario.

“When we packed up all our gear and Halloween decor stage props after the gig, that’s when we noticed our van was missing four tires that I’m almost positive we arrived here with,” said McDowell in a somber tone. “These thieves also made out with the license plates, bumper stickers, and a pizza that we stored on top of the van that we were saving for after the show. I guess it could be worse though. The headlining band actually had all their gear stolen while they hid backstage before coming back out for their encore. Man, do they look foolish right now.”

Local body shop owner Daryl Ross has seen an uptick of missing van parts from that venue.

“Oh yeah, seen this a buncha times before,” said Ross while vigorously wiping oil from his hands. “The Owl Haus has definitely been a hotspot for vehicle theft lately. Last band that came through was lookin’ for a new catalytic converter that they swore they had for their entire tour up until that point. I said ‘welp, I hear a punk band is gonna be at Owl Haus tonight’ and then handed ‘em a Sawzall. That’s a real DIY tour anyway.”

At press time, several Owl Haus staff members were seen siphoning gas from the sound guy’s Honda Civic.

29-Year-Old Loses Fridge Under Giant Pile of Wedding Invitations

Posted on September 10, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local 29-year-old Hector Pinske can no longer locate his refrigerator under a steadily growing pile of magnets, save-the-dates, and wedding invitations received from seemingly every unmarried couple he knows, confirmed sources who just wanted a Lacroix.

“I guess this all kind of started right when the pandemic cooled off a bit and people felt safe again to plan the weddings they’d been putting off for years,” said an exhausted sounding Pinske, mindlessly tearing open an ornately addressed envelope and tossing its contents onto the pile immediately after reading the words “you are cordially invited.” “But it’s gone from a manageable trickle to an out-of-control downpour: All my weekends are double booked with weddings for the next three years and my credit cards are maxed out with charges from airlines, hotels, and Zola registries.”

Some friends of Pinske, including his former college roommate and groom-to-be Noah Hernandez, aren’t quite sure what the problem is.

“I’ve visited Hector’s apartment recently and yes, he clearly has an above-average number of wedding invitations that completely cloak his metal fridge doors on all sides,” said Hernandez. “But that shouldn’t be viewed as an issue when it’s actually a blessing! Weddings are celebrations of love and anyone on the invite list should be honored they made the cut. And if Hector doesn’t make it to Oakland for my wedding in September, not going to lie I’ll be pretty pissed.”

Local Postal Service mail carrier Tashi Hoshino noted that Pinske is not alone when it comes to the uptick in invitations.

“My department recently had to double the size of our delivery truck fleet just to keep up with the deluge of heavy cardstock letters announcing civil unions, bridal showers, and gender reveal parties,” said Hoshino, icing her back that now constantly aches from carrying overstuffed bags of mail. “If you think Hector’s situation is bad, look into the front window of the condo on 78 Roberson Lane. You can’t even see their living room floor anymore. Not that it even matters since the couple who lives there has been traveling since March in order to attend weddings.”

At press time, Pinske was seen rushing his cat to an emergency vet after an avalanche of invites buried the small animal for over an hour.

10 Songs That Were Banned From Radio After 9/11

Posted on September 10, 2022 by Eli Johnson

The attacks on September 11, 2001 forever changed the United States, and American popular culture was not immune, particularly music. In the days following the attacks, media conglomerate Clear Channel Communications issued a memorandum discouraging its radio stations from playing certain “lyrically questionable” songs. Here are some of the top tracks from that do-not-play list.

“We’re Taking This Plane to Biscayne Bay!” by Jimmy Buffet

This parrothead classic, inspired by true events, sees amateur aviator Buffet and a group of drinking buddies hijack a 737 bound for Minneapolis and fly it to a South Florida instead. The sky pirates are forced to make a crash landing on Miami Beach, just in time for a spring break party.

“World Trade Serenade” by Billy Joel

Joel chose an unfortunate locale for his tale of two star-crossed lovers, one from Long Island and one from Secaucus, who agree to a romantic Manhattan rendezvous on the World Trade Center observation deck. The song might have escaped censors if not for his likening of the strength of their love to the durable construction of the Twin Towers, which Joel boasted could only topple as the result of a controlled demolition.

“The Johnstown Flood Will Never Be Topped” by the Decemberists

This long-forgotten b-side from the twee Portland indie rockers rhapsodically eulogized the more than 2,000 people killed in the 1889 flood in Western, Pennsylvania, then the largest human-instigated disaster in U.S. history. Unfortunately for the young band, their historical ode would be overshadowed by modern events.

“September Plane” by Weird Al Yankovic

This innocuous parody of Guns N’ Roses’ “November Rain” about a traveler struggling with flight delays over Labor Day weekend took on unfortunate new connotations in light of history’s deadliest attack on U.S. soil. Lyrics such as “Layover in Timbuktu, missed my connection in Kalamazoo, what do I gotta do to get off of this cold September Plane?” were unamusing to a nation in mourning.

“Big Stinkin’ Pile of Dead, Bloated Corpses” by Drowning Pool

On 9/12, America needed healing. What it didn’t need was aggressive nu metal power chords and lyrics such as, “My life, it’s a misfortune. You were right, dad, should’ve been an abortion! (Come on!)”

“Lovin’ Hot Enough to Melt Steel Beams” by AC/DC

This hard-rocking ditty from the beloved Aussie outfit heated up classic rock radio for decades, but tastemakers feared listeners would find its bawdy imagery distasteful after watching two skyscrapers collapse on live TV. One silver lining was that, thanks to his personal experience as songwriter, Malcolm Young was one of the first to disprove some of the more spurious claims made by the documentary “Loose Change.”

“The Middle East is a Complex Region that Requires a Nuanced Foreign Policy” by Toby Keith

More thoughtful pieces such as this – in which Keith muses over the decline of pan-Arab nationalism following the death of Egypt’s Gamal Abdel Nasser and questions the efficacy of U.S. support for authoritarian regimes across the Arabian Peninsula – would take a backseat to more jingoistic ballads, such as “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue,” favored by the Nashville establishment.

“AA11 at 8:46, UA175 at 9:03” by Wilco

Like “Ashes of American Flags” and “War on War,” this haunting and prophetic track from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot foretold a post-9/11 America consumed by the War on Terror. But in this case, the title’s seemingly random letters and numbers turned out to be the exact flights and times the two planes struck the Twin Towers. After a marathon testimony, the 9/11 Commission determined Jeff Tweedy had no foreknowledge of the attacks, though chatter among conspiracy theorists has yet to cease.

Every Song By the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies

Though lacking any lyrical connection to the September 11th terrorist attacks, tastemakers agreed they simply had enough of their shit, and this was the perfect opportunity to put them out to pasture.

“Let’s Keep Things in Perspective (Never Exploit a Tragedy)” by Alanis Morissette

Though this post-breakup anthem lacked any of the trigger words that landed other songs on this list, the music industry feared the title alone would send mixed messages about America’s unqualified support for the indiscriminate annihilation of as many Muslims as possible in countries with even the flimsiest of connections to the attacks.

Help! I Took Acid Because I Wanted To See the Walls Melting and Now I Have a Greater Sense of Empathy for My Fellow Humans

Posted on September 10, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

I’d been in a serious rut lately and didn’t know why. Every day was feeling like a repeat of the one before it. But I knew I couldn’t just feel sorry for myself. I had to call up my guy Nils for some quality acid that would make me trip serious balls, making my life less boring for a day or so.

It started off great. I took the day off and just ate Gushers while listening to a 12-hour vaporwave mix and watching the walls morph into a hallucinogenic goo. Then, things took a turn.

I started thinking about my dad and how much I loved him, and I started tearing up and smiling. Right then, I knew I was in trouble.

I thought it would pass after I sobered up. But the next day, I woke up, and the first thing on my mind was to give him a call. And it didn’t feel like an obligation. I really wanted to talk to him, and we had a great heart-to-heart. We’ve been texting more than ever too.

Come on! All I wanted was to pretend I was in another dimension for a few hours, not work on building a meaningful relationship with my father.

My final hope – that, after doing that, I could get on with my life – was also thwarted. I noticed I wasn’t getting furious about people doing things like using their turn signal late or using big words in the wrong context. Because I realized that these “flaws” don’t mean they’re any less deserving of love and respect. Hell, I stopped getting annoyed at that one coworker who always hits “reply all.” Now, I just smile and shake my head when it happens.

Jesus. The walls melting was cool, but it wasn’t worth this.

Now, usually, I’d reset things by staying inside for a week and getting plastered and/or stoned out of my mind. But I had no interest in either. In fact, I threw out all my weed and booze, and I’ve been sober for two weeks and counting.

Ugh. I’d keep going. But all this outward negativity is making me realize I need to go practice a loving-kindness meditation to help cultivate sympathy and compassion for myself and all beings.

Fuck, I’ll probably take a walk after to get back in touch with nature.

Aging Punk Uses Model Glue for Its Intended Purpose

Posted on September 9, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Thirty-five-year-old punk Freddie Snyder discovered that the Devcon Duco Plastic and Model Cement he’s been huffing on and off for almost twenty years can also be used to assemble model figurines, relieved hobby store employees said.

“Man, I have been shoplifting this stuff since I was a kid but as I’m getting older the idea of getting dizzy and tingly just doesn’t do it for me anymore,” Snyder said while perusing the latest Bandai Spirits Ultraman Model Kits. “That’s when one of the guys here turned me on to my new addiction… Gundam models! Instead of spending hours stoned out watching ‘Magnum P.I.’ reruns, I am meticulously rebuilding a High-Grade UC RX-78-2 complete with beam rifle, shield, beam sabers, and bazooka!”

Snyder’s girlfriend Brooke Munoz sees her boyfriend’s new habit as a bit of a mixed blessing.

“Look, I am super glad he is finally getting clean, but I don’t know what to do with all of these robots… sorry, Gundams. We are running out of room in the apartment,” Munoz said while placing a Tallgeese model into a glass cabinet that once held their dishes. “I tried to get him into other arts and crafts hobbies like needlepoint or Perler beads but he just isn’t interested. We are also going broke buying all these kits. I’m pretty sure he’s spent more money on these things than he ever did on drugs.”

Manchester Hobby store manager Clifton Burke explained that reformed punks have been good for business.

“I see all these guys come in here with their dyed hair and nose rings trying to find anything that’ll get ‘em high. But now they are actually buying stuff for their exact purpose,” Burke said while restocking models of the 1958 Plymouth from the horror movie “Christine.” “Some are collecting model trains, some are getting into remote-controlled airplanes, one guy is even crocheting a sweater for his snake. I can’t keep H.A.M. radios on the shelves anymore!”

As of press time, Snyder had also discovered that the spray paint he had been inhaling could also be used for quality detail work.

Fifth Consecutive Band Practice Ruined Due to Recurring Argument Over Which Ramone Is Which “Sex and the City” Character

Posted on September 9, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

NAPA, Calif. — Members of garage-punk band Prank Patrol almost came to blows for the fifth week in a row while arguing which “Sex and the City” character best embodied which member of their beloved Ramones, local sources confirmed.

“I’ll die on this hill, man. I’ll fucking die on it. Saying ‘Johnny is Charlotte’ simply because she’s the most obviously conservative proves that you’ve only given a cursory glance to the show. It’s disrespectful,” said Prank Patrol organist Les Albridge, practically foaming at the mouth. “When you really look deeper, Carrie proves to be the most sex-negative, thus the most innately conservative, making her the true Johnny. I don’t care if our guitarist says Carrie is Joey just ‘cause she’s the lead. Joey’s actually Charlotte, goddamn it. He was a dreamer!”

Neighbors have called in frequent noise complaints to local authorities, though not over music volume, but rather the repetitive squabbling.

“I don’t claim to know who this Dee Dee woman is, but the only peace and quiet this cul de sac has gotten in a while were when those kids agreed she was Samantha…whatever that means,” said 73-year-old neighbor Harold Lyndhurst. “Sometimes they don’t even get around to plugging in. I wish they’d make a racket with anything other than one claiming ‘Tommy represents the truest Miranda because of his business-minded outlook and dedication’ and then practically hearing the breaking of bottles over heads. I don’t wanna sound old, but back in my day bands played songs.”

Professional productivity consultant Phyllis Irving says that this type of procrastination is far too common in musical groups across the world.

“You’d be surprised how many bands have completely obliterated their creative momentum by aligning the ‘Sex and the City’ gals with other properties,” said Irving. “The passion one formerly brought to composing songs is easily transferable to arguing. Think Daft Punk just broke up out of the blue? Nope. They just couldn’t agree on where the SATC crew aligned with Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer. Once one of them said that ‘Mr. Big was Peggy Hill’ it was over right then and there.”

When reached for one last comment, the members of Prank Patrol could only muster up one lone consensus: in both cases of SATC and the Ramones, they agree “New York City is New York City.”

With Every Passing Year It Becomes Even More Important That We Start Taking Ageism Seriously

Posted on September 9, 2022 by Matt McInerney

It’s becoming increasingly clear that ageism is becoming a bigger problem with each passing year. We need to do something about it now.

Historically, ageism has merely been a theoretical problem. But as time moves forward, this far-off issue becomes more and more timely. Hell, twenty years ago ageism was no concern at all. My friends and I used to make fun of old people all the time. But last week I walked up to a group of kids skating and they thought I was security. This ageism has to stop even if it enabled me to confiscate a few of their boards.

About ten years ago or so, I started to have this creeping thought that maybe older people aren’t so bad. At the time I was reading sports news when I saw that my favorite team had cut their 27-year-old starting running back. That guy was a superstar just a year ago! 27 isn’t even old! It was, in fact, the prime of one’s young adult life. And I would know. I was 27 at the time.

Addressing ageism is more important now than ever. These days, 37-year-olds get made fun of constantly for stuff like not knowing relevant memes or how to change a tire. Just imagine the future if we don’t act.

It’s hard enough being called a geriatric millennial. But now I have to worry about all this ageism too? I say we march! No longer can we rely on these dinosaur politicians in Washington to protect us! We need fresh faces fighting against ageism now, before we’re too old to march!

Punk House Residents Go On Goonies-esque Adventure Trying to Locate Fuse Box

Posted on September 9, 2022 by James Knapp

PARAMUS, N.J. — Residents of local punk house “The Crows Nest” recently undertook a harrowing, coming-of-age adventure as they attempted to locate their house’s fuse box, sources now bonded closer as friends confirmed.

“It all started when we plugged the toaster oven into the same outlet as the balloon machine and all the lightbulbs in the house exploded. That’s when we knew we were gonna have to set aside our differences and band together if we were gonna have any hope of resetting the fabled ‘Kitchen Breaker Switch,’” explained third-floor resident Kathleen ‘Little Chunk’ Reeser. “We bested the Trial of the ‘Wobbly Basement Stairs,’ navigated the ‘Maze of Knotted Extension Cords’ and just barely survived the ‘Test of the Toilet That Isn’t Connected To Anything.’ It was pretty daunting, but with determination and friendship on our side we had that balloon machine up and running again and are all richer for the experience.”

Property manager Willis Edders expressed confusion as to how this simple household task turned into such an ordeal for the residents.

“These fucking kids. I swear, every week it’s something new and stupid with them,” bemoaned Edders. “Last month they did an inspirational song and dance number after the bathroom sink backed up. And just the other day they formed an amateur baseball team of ragtag misfits because, apparently, one of them heard that there was a really big dog outside. I can fix most everything, but these idiots are making my life a living hell.”

Legendary pirate and fuse box guardian Three-Eyed Pete gave his perspective on the residents’ Goonies-esque adventure.

“It’s been many a moon since any have dared venture in hunt for my treasured fuse box. And I have done my salty best in all that time to keep it hidden from any interlopers,” gaaaarrrrrred Three-Eyed Pete. “But seriously, I have no idea how those goons pulled this off. That was easily the most dysfunctional group of drunks and balloon-heads that I have seen since I became an electrical pirate. I thought for sure they would have given up after the toilet thing – that mess deters everyone.”

At press time, Crows Nest residents were preparing for their next adventure – fixing the hole in the roof that was caused by the roommate who invents weird shit slingshotting a stolen hubcap through it.

Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs

Posted on September 8, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

LONDON — Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on a flat confirmed.

“The timing just couldn’t be worse. We just received a fresh batch of orphaned babies and these little blood bags are filled with some quality inventory. The Queen would have felt 84 again with this blood coursing through her veins,” said plant manager Cecil Davies. “And we just installed a new pump that drains the bodies of 98% of the blood, so there is very little waste. But now that the Queen is gone I’m afraid we might have to let some of these kids loose in the streets, and the thought of them growing up and leading fulfilling lives makes me sick. I’m just hoping some other members of the royal family are in desperate need of youthful blood or else I might have to let some of my staff go.”

Employees at the facility admit they have no other real-world skills.

“I’ve spent the last four decades in this underground bunker draining children of their life force without ever seeing the sunlight, and frankly I’m worried my skills won’t carry over into a new field,” said Damien Hill. “I’m also worried about what will happen if the sun hits my skin. I’m so pale that I’m basically translucent. I suppose I could get a job as a software developer, my lifestyle wouldn’t change all that much, I just wouldn’t get the same satisfaction of bleeding kids dry to serve my country.”

Black market blood traffickers are also expected to feel a financial hit from the Queen’s passing.

“The Queen was my best customer when it came to blood. I know she had her own personal farm, but that wasn’t enough. I had to make sure she had plenty of puppy and kitten blood at her disposal as well or her hair might fall out,” said an anonymous source wearing a Union Jack balaclava. “I’m going to have an entire warehouse of unused blood by this time next week. And I’m not just going to donate it to the hippies at the Red Cross, I’d rather dump it straight into the Thames.”

At press time, President Biden announced he will be making a trip to the facility in hopes of “bringing these jobs to America.”

How To Increase Your Podcast Listenership by Already Being Famous

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

It seems like everyone has a podcast nowadays and finding a way to rise above all the noise to actually garner more listeners than just your family – who are only pretending that they listen – is a business unto itself. But we here at the Hard Times have a sure-fire pod-hack to ensure you have thousands of listeners.

We recommend, before you even think of picking up a microphone, that you toil in obscurity for a decade in another medium to transition your fandom over to the world of podcasting.

Whether it is acting, sports, politics, or even (as a last resort) being a social media influencer, the best way to top the Apple podcast charts is already having a massive following. If you don’t have a Blue Check next to your name and at least twenty-five thousand followers on Twitter then it won’t matter why your wrestling podcast is better than the other seven-hundred and forty-eight wrestling podcasts.

Sure you could submit your podcast for consideration to a podcast recommendation website, but unless you’ve written for The Simpsons there is little chance they will even listen to your Asian Snack Review podcast or whatever the hell it is you talk about, let alone recommend it. Sure you might be a tenured history professor hosting a well-researched and thorough podcast on The Byzantine Empire but, come on, let’s be real… Do you even have a Twitch stream?

If you are completely talentless, we would recommend getting arrested at the next Trump coup attempt and then using the money you raised for a legal defense to start a right-wing podcast network. From what we hear, it isn’t too hard to get sponsored by doomsday preparation supply companies.

Perhaps you are tangentially famous, that might work too. Are your parents rich and/or famous? You could start a very successful self-help podcast filled with nonsense about vision boards, mindfulness, and The Secret to convince the working class that it was your tenacity and work ethic that got you to where you are and not your parents’ wealth and influences.

When it is all said and done, your shitty True Crime podcast about a murder in Davenport or whatever will never make back the money you paid to store them on Buzzsprout’s servers. We recommend you try to become popular in easier ways, like accidentally shooting yourself at a Tampa Bay alligator farm.