I’d been in a serious rut lately and didn’t know why. Every day was feeling like a repeat of the one before it. But I knew I couldn’t just feel sorry for myself. I had to call up my guy Nils for some quality acid that would make me trip serious balls, making my life less boring for a day or so.
It started off great. I took the day off and just ate Gushers while listening to a 12-hour vaporwave mix and watching the walls morph into a hallucinogenic goo. Then, things took a turn.
I started thinking about my dad and how much I loved him, and I started tearing up and smiling. Right then, I knew I was in trouble.
I thought it would pass after I sobered up. But the next day, I woke up, and the first thing on my mind was to give him a call. And it didn’t feel like an obligation. I really wanted to talk to him, and we had a great heart-to-heart. We’ve been texting more than ever too.
Come on! All I wanted was to pretend I was in another dimension for a few hours, not work on building a meaningful relationship with my father.
My final hope – that, after doing that, I could get on with my life – was also thwarted. I noticed I wasn’t getting furious about people doing things like using their turn signal late or using big words in the wrong context. Because I realized that these “flaws” don’t mean they’re any less deserving of love and respect. Hell, I stopped getting annoyed at that one coworker who always hits “reply all.” Now, I just smile and shake my head when it happens.
Jesus. The walls melting was cool, but it wasn’t worth this.
Now, usually, I’d reset things by staying inside for a week and getting plastered and/or stoned out of my mind. But I had no interest in either. In fact, I threw out all my weed and booze, and I’ve been sober for two weeks and counting.
Ugh. I’d keep going. But all this outward negativity is making me realize I need to go practice a loving-kindness meditation to help cultivate sympathy and compassion for myself and all beings.
Fuck, I’ll probably take a walk after to get back in touch with nature.
