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Seedy Venue Owner Almost Certain Band’s Tour Van Was on Cinder Blocks When They Arrived

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Notorious Owl Haus music venue owner Steven Bennet was confident that punk band Vampire Byte’s suddenly wheelless tour van was on cinder blocks when they arrived, several shadowy sources confirmed.

“I kept telling those guys I’m an honest man, and I honestly swear I saw them pull up to the show in a van on cinder blocks. I mean, you don’t stay in the live music business for 3 years by lying to people,” said Bennet while watering down his bar’s liquor bottles. “I was actually quite insulted that they’d question the reputation of my establishment. After all, I was kind enough to send them to a guy I know that could hook them up with a set of oddly identical wheels that just so happened to be the exact size they needed for as little as three times the price they paid for them. Ingrates!”

Vampire Byte frontman Sean McDowell weighed in on the bizarre scenario.

“When we packed up all our gear and Halloween decor stage props after the gig, that’s when we noticed our van was missing four tires that I’m almost positive we arrived here with,” said McDowell in a somber tone. “These thieves also made out with the license plates, bumper stickers, and a pizza that we stored on top of the van that we were saving for after the show. I guess it could be worse though. The headlining band actually had all their gear stolen while they hid backstage before coming back out for their encore. Man, do they look foolish right now.”

Local body shop owner Daryl Ross has seen an uptick of missing van parts from that venue.

“Oh yeah, seen this a buncha times before,” said Ross while vigorously wiping oil from his hands. “The Owl Haus has definitely been a hotspot for vehicle theft lately. Last band that came through was lookin’ for a new catalytic converter that they swore they had for their entire tour up until that point. I said ‘welp, I hear a punk band is gonna be at Owl Haus tonight’ and then handed ‘em a Sawzall. That’s a real DIY tour anyway.”

At press time, several Owl Haus staff members were seen siphoning gas from the sound guy’s Honda Civic.