MADISON, Wis. — The University of Wisconsin’s Center for Climatic Research released a damning report suggesting that almost 70 percent of all carbon emissions are a result of the working glass quietly weeping in the cars while the engines idle.
“We were initially puzzled by the discrepancy in carbon footprint between different regions. However, after extensive analysis, we discovered a direct correlation between areas with high rates of workplace stress and increased emissions from idling vehicles,” lead researcher Dr. Emily Chang explained. “Our study, titled ‘Tears in Tailpipes: The Environmental Impact of Lunch Break Melancholy,’ has sent shockwaves through the scientific community. This is a call for urgent action to address this overlooked source of greenhouse gas emissions.”
Climate change deniers, however, are pushing back at the results.
“Let’s face it, folks, if we start blaming every tear shed by a liberal snowflake for climate change, we’ll have a convenient scapegoat for every environmental woe,” chuckled right-wing radio DJ James Henderson, already envisioning the outrage his next segment will generate among his fervent listeners. “It’s time to take a stand against this culture of victimhood and reclaim our planet from the clutches of leftist hysteria. Sure, I record my podcast from the inside of the Range Rover while it is running and the AC is on full blast, but that’s nothing when it comes to this weepy ‘no one wants to work anymore’ culture.”
Scientists warn that if this trend continues there will be dire consequences but there is hope.
“By promoting a healthier work-life balance, letting employees cry in specially designated areas within the office, and letting workers weep from their home office, we can mitigate the environmental impact of employee distress,” MIT professor Bessie Larson explained. “Moreover, integrating mindfulness practices and stress-reduction techniques into daily routines can empower employees to keep their emotions in check so they can explode at appropriate times, like in therapy or snapping at their partner for no reason.”
As of press time, Dr. Chang’s team also found a correlation between anxiety and stress eating and the growth of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Danny uses a disturbing episode from his youth to illustrate to Michelle how going along with the crowd isn’t always the best path to take. Danny used his time as a wayward teen living on Spahn Ranch with Charles Manson as a teachable example after his daughter was caught cheating in class. “Michelle, I woke up one morning in a heap of naked freaks to find Charlie shooting me up with amphetamines while glaring into my eyes and commanding that I go with Tex and Squeaky to cut up those piggies in Benedict Canyon. Now, would doing speed all day and going on a murderous rampage have been the right choice for Daddy to make, just because everyone else was? No, honey. It’s best to follow your heart and think for yourself.”
Danny explains that it’s more fulfilling to earn money than be given it, so Michelle opens a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of their home. Sadly, she attracts few customers. In a glum mood, Michelle seeks comfort from Danny while they sit next to her nearly full pitcher of lemonade. “Michelle, the invisible hand of the market simply declared your lemonade to be an unworthy investment for thirsty people. I know you’re merely a toddler but it’s high time you understand the power of capitalism. It’s the only god we worship in this house. On second thought, forget about the lemonade. Just make friends at school with the kids in the expensive onesies and fleece them for all they’re worth.”
With the help of her preschool teacher Michelle wrote a basic poem about the important things in the life of a small child. She excitedly shares it with Danny, who reacts less like a caring father than snide literature critic. “Michelle, I know you may think rhyming ‘trees’ with ‘bees’ is somehow special, but it’s trite fluff compared to the brilliant couplets of Ferlinghetti’s ‘Wild Dreams Of A New Beginning.’ I mean, seriously, what is revealed about the essence of man by rhyming ‘car’ with ‘star?’ Your scribbles don’t stir my spirit like ‘Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs / Souls eat souls in the general emptiness.’ Sweetie, your poem wouldn’t even make the bargain bin at City Lights.”
It’s one of those days when the kids are just not getting along with each other. Stephanie grabbed Michelle’s favorite matchbox car and held it high in the air out of Michelle’s reach. She runs to Danny for help. He listens briefly but then shifts the topic to himself. “Michelle honey, I understand your frustration. You could say that Uncle Jesse and Joey have been holding something above your daddy’s head for a long time. Something awful. Something that forces me to give those bums free room and board in our home. Have you heard the term blackmail before, Michelle? Those two conniving bastards claim to know something about Daddy that he absolutely cannot allow the world to know. Don’t worry, it’s definitely not about your mother’s mysterious death.”
In her preschool class, Michelle gets in trouble for the first time. During circle time her teacher confiscates the toy Michelle snuck from home. After school Danny finds Michelle not her usual cheery self. “Oh honey, I know it saddens my little girl but the teacher was right to put your toy in her desk. I know how it hurts to have things taken from you. Remember when Daddy’s girlfriend Vicky got scared that I simply unholstered my concealed .45 during that scary argument? She got hysterical and so the police came into our kitchen and took Daddy’s gun that he worked really hard for and had all the proper paperwork for and everything. They had no right god dammit, no right! At least you got your toy back at the end of the day.”
