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Scientists Confirm That 67% of Climate Change Caused by Employees Crying in Their Cars During Lunch Break

MADISON, Wis. — The University of Wisconsin’s Center for Climatic Research released a damning report suggesting that almost 70 percent of all carbon emissions are a result of the working glass quietly weeping in the cars while the engines idle.

“We were initially puzzled by the discrepancy in carbon footprint between different regions. However, after extensive analysis, we discovered a direct correlation between areas with high rates of workplace stress and increased emissions from idling vehicles,” lead researcher Dr. Emily Chang explained. “Our study, titled ‘Tears in Tailpipes: The Environmental Impact of Lunch Break Melancholy,’ has sent shockwaves through the scientific community. This is a call for urgent action to address this overlooked source of greenhouse gas emissions.”

Climate change deniers, however, are pushing back at the results.

“Let’s face it, folks, if we start blaming every tear shed by a liberal snowflake for climate change, we’ll have a convenient scapegoat for every environmental woe,” chuckled right-wing radio DJ James Henderson, already envisioning the outrage his next segment will generate among his fervent listeners. “It’s time to take a stand against this culture of victimhood and reclaim our planet from the clutches of leftist hysteria. Sure, I record my podcast from the inside of the Range Rover while it is running and the AC is on full blast, but that’s nothing when it comes to this weepy ‘no one wants to work anymore’ culture.”

Scientists warn that if this trend continues there will be dire consequences but there is hope.

“By promoting a healthier work-life balance, letting employees cry in specially designated areas within the office, and letting workers weep from their home office, we can mitigate the environmental impact of employee distress,” MIT professor Bessie Larson explained. “Moreover, integrating mindfulness practices and stress-reduction techniques into daily routines can empower employees to keep their emotions in check so they can explode at appropriate times, like in therapy or snapping at their partner for no reason.”

As of press time, Dr. Chang’s team also found a correlation between anxiety and stress eating and the growth of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.