WATERBURY, Vt. — Ben and Jerry’s announced they joined forces with indie rock musician/gas station attendant Mac DeMarco to unveil a new flavor to their summer lineup: “Breakfast of Champions,” a cigarette and black coffee ice cream.
“I don’t actually remember doing this, but I guess that’s cool,” DeMarco mused when we asked for comment, his face bearing the imprint of his sweatshirt from sleeping on his couch. “I mean, I could totally see myself coming up with this. I believe you. I mean, my face is right there on the carton. But I sort of have a lot of projects going at the same time. This is great, and I bet it tastes really good, I just have no idea how this even came to fruition.”
Alex Gilblom of the Ben and Jerry’s test kitchen provided some expert insight into the creation and test processes.
“This was one we had a lot of fun making. We have a base of Irish creme black coffee from Circle K that we age for a few days in a somewhat sterile environment. Then there’s a marshmallow swirl, complemented with free-range ashes we collect up from nearby mall ashtrays. Then we dip Lucky Strike filters in tempered smoked chocolate, and finish it with little menthol-flavored camel-shaped candies. The whole flavor profile should harken to the butt cup Mac has in his ‘93 Toyota Corolla.”
However, not all reactions to this avant-garde flavor have been positive, including local fan Brandon Wooster, who tried it upon release.
“Oh my God, no. I think I lasted like three bites. I mean I’m down for anything weird. But that shit tasted like–I mean I don’t want to get too poetic about it–but it tasted like Mickey Rourke. And the burning feeling, it felt like I ate one of those old thin glass Christmas ornaments,” Wooster croaked before spitting out a Canadian penny and a completely intact hot dog relish packet.
“Sorry, this keeps happening since I got out of the hospital. My doctor said it’s going to take a while before I pass whatever I ate, and I guess whatever hole it comes out of is fair game.”
Despite the criticism, this is but the first of three flavors soon to be released this summer, with “Elliott Smith’s Sticky Sock Vacation” dropping next week, and something called “Tom Waits’ Uncle Onion Sandwich” arriving shortly after.