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Privileged Person Calls Out Similarly Privileged Person for Being Privileged the Wrong Way

BOSTON – Local art major Tanner White is outraged by his equally privileged classmate Brent Saxon for flaunting his good fortune over those less privileged than him, sources with rich dads confirmed.

“Brent is such a fucking asshole,” said White as he naively attempted to scan his American Express Centurion Black Card instead of his student ID at the dining hall named after his father. “I’ve seen his Tesla in Goodwill parking lots because he supposedly likes ‘thrifting.’ He’s probably just trying to flip everything he buys on eBay like Gary Vee. I’ll bet you anything he’s just spending those earnings on festival tickets and molly so Mommy and Daddy don’t know their little spoiled baby is up to no good.”

Saxon, whose father the campus library is named for, doesn’t feel like he deserves to be criticized by somebody who does exactly the same shit he does but very slightly different.

“Listen, I understand that some people are less fortunate than myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the life that I was born into,” suggested Saxon as he searched through his weathered Patagonia bag for his weekly allowance of $32,000. “Yeah, I shop at Goodwill because I’m trying to start the very first charitable vintage lifestyle brand for the homeless. If I want to trip balls at raves every single night after a hard day’s work, what’s the problem? At least I’m contributing something to society, unlike Tanner, who is doing this completely wrong.”

Local volunteer Marnie Rozzelle weighed in on the feud, which she referred to as a “brunch-boy pissing contest.”

“I’ve seen both Tanner and Brent both get multiple DUIs without worry because their dads know the judge,” asserted Rozzelle, whose parked car was totaled by the former. “Tanner once tried to set up a luxury tent at the homeless encampment I donate food to because he wanted to ‘see what life is like on the other side.’ I’ve also seen Brent try to grill Wagyu filets over a trash-can fire at the same camp so he can ‘connect with his core clientele.’ On both occasions, it started raining, and both of them started crying because you can’t get suede shoes wet.”

At press time, White and Saxon were both spotted screaming at a delivery driver for owning a vehicle with a combustible engine.