Lead Singer Refuses to Help Drummer Unload Christmas Gifts from Car

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO — Local post-punk heroes Modern Error have been on the verge of collapse due to lead singer Jeremy Larson refusing to help bring in Christmas gifts from outside, citing exhaustion, seniority, and just about anything else he can think of.

“I’m out there each and every night putting one thousand percent of myself into these shows and my bandmates want me to risk life and limb carrying in gifts? I don’t think, if I throw out my back then this band is basically done for,” said Larson while drinking a mug of tea. “And not to mention that I need to be well-rested for the gift exchange. People are going to expect me to take the lead, hand out all the presents, and gleefully announce what each item is. I’m basically the ‘Santa’ of this entire goddamn scene.”

While other members of the group seemed unfazed by the ordeal, drummer Mikey Donnelly has found it difficult to work past Larson’s brazen attitude toward holiday cheer.

“He said the same thing last year. I was so busy loading in all the gifts that nobody even made me a hot chocolate. I had to make my own, and by that time we were out of marshmallows,” mumbled a visibly upset Donnelly as he choked back tears. “I really thought it would be different this time. I even made sure I was assigned as his secret Santa so he would get something good. But some people just don’t seem to change, even after all we’ve been through.”

Psychologist Morgan Sullivan has made the selfish nature of lead singers a focal point of her latest research.

“For all of their talk of unity and harmony a frontman spouts, you would think it’s natural for these feelings to heighten during the holidays, but astonishingly, it’s quite the opposite. Lead singers actually get more self-absorbed during Christmas,” said Sullivan. “I’m reminded of the time Billie Joe Armstrong sabotaged an entire neighborhood carollers outing at an orphanage just because Tré Cool took the ‘best Santa hat.’ Tré never really recovered, and those poor kids had to watch Billie Joe smash a guitar into pieces while screaming ‘Good King Wenceslas’ at the top of his lungs. It was quite disturbing.”

At press time, Larson was thoroughly unimpressed with his Secret Santa gift: a framed photo of him and Donnelly on their first tour.

Gift of the Magi? This Girl Sold Her Hair To Get Her Boyfriend a Tattoo and Her Boyfriend Sold His Guitar To Get Himself a Tattoo

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In what can only be described as a Christmas miracle, the holiday news cycle has brought us yet another heartwarming tale of how love can rise above circumstance. This holiday season, one modern couple inadvertently recreated The Gift of the Magi when this girl sold her hair to get her boyfriend the tattoo he’d been wanting all year. Meanwhile, her boyfriend sold his guitar to buy himself the exact same tattoo.

What a lucky couple!

Hattie Kennedy only works part-time at a used book store while trying to get her Installation Art career off the ground, but she still wanted to get her partner, Randal Quinn, something special for their pagan solstice celebration. After much self-introspection, Hattie decided to sell her luxurious, oft-complimented long blonde hair to a local artesian wig company. She shaved her head almost to the scalp in an effort to get enough money to afford the tattoo for her beloved.

“Randal is always saying how he wants a tattoo of Leatherface eating at a Waffle House on his upper thigh,” Hattie posted in the subreddit r/Relationship_Advice. “Wasn’t he going to be shocked when I put a non-refundable deposit down for a session with one of the best artists in the city? Hair will grow back, even if it did turn out that I have a bit of a lumpy skull.”

In an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, Randal had holiday plans of his own. Randal was also strapped for cash and decided that he would pawn one of his seven guitars to have a little extra cash for something special as well. Without telling Hattie, he paid a friend to give him the Leatherface/Waffle House tattoo.

“I’m just about out of real estate on my skin for tattoos, but I’ve been saving space for this baby,” Randal said from his friend’s basement/tattoo parlor. “Luckily, the dude at the pawnshop gives me a good deal and I’ll be able to buy my guitar back once I ask Hattie to float me a loan. She’s good like that.”

Upon returning home with a shorn scalp, Randal told Hattie that her new haircut was super ‘punk’ and that she should dye what little hair she had purple. He then promptly showed Hattie his new tattoo and she started to cry. He assured her once the infection cleared up it would look awesome.

We followed up with Randal to ask what gift he ended up getting for Hattie. Randal swore loudly and asked us what gas stations were still open.

Man Unsure if Relationship with Wife is Serious Enough to Merit Christmas Present

Posted on by Dianne Nora

PROVIDENCE. R.I. — Benny Davison is not sure if his relationship with his wife of six years, Tara Davison, is serious enough that they need to exchange Christmas presents, sources confirm.

“I’m just worried that it might be a little soon to purchase a unique gift just for her at this point in our relationship,” Davison said, turning over his wedding ring in his fingers. “Don’t get me wrong. I love her. I really do. I just think if I get her a scarf or some earrings, she might get the impression I’m looking for something more serious in this legal union than I’m ready to commit to right now. I’m just not sure what kinds of signals that might send.”

Tara Davison confirmed that she had modest expectations for what she might receive this year.

“It’s not that he never gives me presents,” a four-months pregnant Mrs. Davison said. “Last year, when we were still engaged, he gave me a hand-written gift certificate for one massage, which was so sweet—he even wrote it out in front of me on an old CVS receipt. When I tried to cash in on the massage, things got romantic really quickly, if you know what I mean. I get that he doesn’t want to feel too tied-down. We’ve only been together for six years, so things are moving pretty fast.”

Abiha Quintero, an expert in contemporary relationships, said that many couples had moved away from traditional gift-giving and closer toward overthinking everything well into their union.

“Couples today are redefining commitment in many ways, and exchanging gifts is no exception. While older generations may have celebrated their first anniversaries with the traditional gift of paper, a modern equivalent a husband might give today could be posting a photo with his wife to his Instagram grid,” Quintero explained. “For a second anniversary, we often see couples today inviting the one bi woman they know to join them for a threesome. It’s not that there’s no romance in our modern world, it’s just that it’s expressed today in new ways, such as letting your partner choose what to binge watch next, or promising to stop messaging your ex on Snapchat.”

At press time, Mr. Davison was headed to the store to pick up the monogrammed collar he had special ordered for his pit bull for the holiday.

5 Christmas Traditions Your New Partner’s Family Does Every Year That Are Gonna Be Real Fucking Weird for You

Posted on by James Knapp

So, it’s your first Christmas as a couple and your partner’s family insists you both come out for the holidays. No point in trying to use Covid to get out of this one — you’re in for the long haul. At this point, the best thing you can do is simply to prepare yourself for the unbridled gauntlet of weirdness that is any family’s festive traditions. Traditions like…

All they serve for dinner is bananas.
Every family does their Christmas dinner a little differently. Some gather around the table to a baked ham or a festive goose, but your partner’s only seems to serve green bananas soaking in some sort of murky fruit gravy for dinner. Best not to be rude, peel the bananas the way their mom tells you to, and just accept you’re going to be shitting pure potassium until the New Year.

You can only open presents after you’ve arm wrestled grandma.
From what you’ve heard, before the family descends on the present pile like a bunch of starving jackals on a gazelle carcass, everyone has to pretend to lose an arm-wrestling match to your partner’s ninety-seven-year-old grandmother. It’s cute, but also a pretty strange situation for you. When it’s your turn, whatever you do, just be gentle. If you use too much force it’s only gonna make things weirder when you break every bone in her frail, nonagenarian arm.

Guess who died this year.
Whenever you get enough elderly extended family together you will inevitably have to hear about which of their friends didn’t make it through the year. However, you’ve never seen it done with an actual points system and score sheets, and apparently, there’s a bonus round somehow. It’s pretty metal, but maybe you need to reconsider if this is truly the person you want to spend your life with after this one.

When their father dresses up like a salmon and rolls around in the yard for twenty minutes.
Well, that certainly got abstract fast. Like, is it supposed to be a metaphor? Are you supposed to join in? Just sneak off for a cigarette and try not to think about how this tradition began in the first place.

Something they all keep referring to as “the winter spider hunts in the moonlight.”
If you made it this far then good news, you’re really in love. The bad news is your partner’s entire family is now wearing electrified boxing gloves and something in that cage they have covered with a towel is humming Victorian nursery rhymes. Get used to it, we guess. You’re part of the family now!

Surgeons Successfully Remove Wraparound Sunglasses From Goateed Man’s Face

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — A team of doctors at Barnes Hospital completed an unprecedented surgery when they successfully removed a pair of wraparound sunglasses from a goateed man’s face, hospital representatives confirmed.

“Our patient was admitted three days ago, white-knuckling the steering wheel of his Ford F-150 and ranting about how liberals were trying to cancel the 4th of July and rename it ‘Pelosi Day.’ After careful observation we realized that his knockoff brand wraparound sunglasses were fused to his skull, causing acute brain damage not unlike a tumor,” said Head of Surgery Dr. Albert Hillstein. “It only took six doctors and 15 meticulous hours, but the surgery was a resounding success. There is finally a ray of hope for those who’ve been wearing douchey sunglasses for ten years straight.”

Surgery recipient William Ellis expressed gratitude and relief after doctors were able to remove what may have become a terminal condition.

“Honestly, as long as I’ve owned these sunglasses I’ve always believed that Obama was the anti-Christ and thought drinking six Mountain Dews before noon was normal. But I had a hell of a wakeup call last week when my daughter pointed out that I was yelling at CNN while the TV was turned off, and I realized something was gravely wrong,” said Ellis. “I’ve only been awake for a few hours but I can already feel a difference. My son, who goes to art school, mentioned socialized medicine and critical race theory and I barely had a reaction. If he had mentioned those things yesterday then I would have hit the ceiling. And not to mention it’ll be nice to finally be able to drive at night again.”

Sunglasses manufacturer Made in the Shades has vehemently denied their products are dangerous, both physically and politically.

“While this isn’t the first time we’ve heard of our sunglasses making half-bearded white men act crazy, we do make it very clear in our terms and conditions that our products should only be used during the daylight hours for no more than 180 minutes at a time. Any sensible person would know prolonged use can lead to believing JFK Jr. is still alive,” said company rep Joe Campelli. “While we are happy to hear that Mr. Ellis is recovering from his procedure, these are sunglasses we sell at highway gas stations and frankly you get what you pay for.”

Before leaving the hospital, Ellis met with doctors to schedule a precautionary surgical procedure to remove his embroidered bootcut jeans from his legs.

Mom Physically Can Not Restrain Herself From Sharing Which Christmas Gifts She Got On Sale

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J — Local mother and intolerable gift-giver Lisa Whitaker was physically unable to restrain herself from sharing which Christmas gifts she got on sale at Kohl’s on Friday.

“Even if I grip my mouth shut with both of my hands, eventually the excitement of the sale gets the better of me and I just burst,” said Whitaker while she scanned Amazon.com for last-minute Christmas deals. “I got my son a bomber jacket for eighty percent off on Black Friday. You think I can just keep quiet about something like that? No chance in hell. Giving gifts humbly isn’t the thing that brings me Christmas cheer, but the amount of money I save by stashing all my Kohl’s cash sure does.”

“This year I got my daughter-in-law a blender for ninety percent off. I basically made money buying it. I’m so excited to tell her, I might not even make it to Christmas,” she added.

Whitaker’s son, Devon Whitaker, is a first-hand witness to his mother’s detrimental lack of self-control.
“Our mom always ruins the surprise by blurting out which gift she got us on sale before we’re even done opening it,” said Whitaker’s son. “I have to put on noise-canceling headphones just to enjoy the moment uninterrupted. It’s actually really concerning how hyperactive she gets when she’s talking about what she got on sale. Last year she started foaming at the mouth while she yammered on about some two for one deal on slippers at Target. I’ve never seen a human look so rabid in my life.”

Dr. Lina Morales, a professor in Social Sciences at Brown University, has found alarming patterns of this behavior amongst suburban mothers.

“In a recent survey, we found that three out of four moms suffer from being physically unable to restrain themselves from sharing what gifts they’ve gotten on sale,” said Morales. “It’s a huge global health concern. Mothers that suffer from being unable to restrain themselves are at risk of gift receipt pile-up, store credit fatigue, and possibly facing dreaded red-tag, no refunds deals. The safest thing to do to avoid any risks is just let your mom talk about the sale, smile and nod.”

At press time, when asked by reporters what she will do to keep from sharing which gifts she got on sale, Whitaker replied, “I will just have to do my best to not tell my son that I got him a Kindle for half price. Oh wait, I just ruined the surprise. Sorry!”

Co-Workers Who Haven’t Seen One Another in Two Years Get Caught up in Under Thirty Seconds

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ATLANTA — Two cubicle neighbors who haven’t seen one another in over twenty-four months are basically caught up on one another’s lives in under a minute after returning to the office, sources in neighboring cubicles report.

“Ellie [Woods] and I aren’t in the same department so we weren’t on any Zoom meetings together during the pandemic,” Gia Burton said while dejectedly refilling her free coffee, which is the only perk of not working from home. “It was so good to see her. I asked her what was new, she said ‘not much,’ I said the same and that was pretty much it. I’m not really into college football so that really puts a damper on topics of conversation for us. I’m still not sure if Gia is married or not, so I try to avoid any questions about her personal life.”

Woods agreed that they were pretty much all caught up within seconds of seeing one another.

“I didn’t think it would get so awkward so quickly. At least Casey [Delgado] in Data Analysis had a baby, so we were able to talk about that while I microwaved my lunch,” Woods said while trying to remember how to send a document to the shared printer. “I’m actually worried that she’ll realize that I completely forgot what her name is. It’s been two years, I don’t think anyone will be offended that I forgot their name. I could tell her I got COVID and still have brain fog from it if she asks.”

Human Resources expert Lorene Bell explained that this is a pretty common occurrence with people returning to work.

“Having spent so much time with people they actually care about, like family and friends, we’re seeing that people are forgetting how to perform mindless banter with people they wouldn’t actually choose to spend time with,” Bell said. “Luckily, everyone still seems to be talking about ‘Squid Game’ so that’s providing some padding for elevator conversations. We suggest you don’t waste all your anecdotes in one big ‘catch up’ session and pepper them out over the weeks after your return in case you end up waiting in line to use the restroom together, or are caught walking to your cars at the same time after work.”

Fortunately, a recent outbreak of COVID in the building sent everyone back to remote work before any more awkward conversations were had.

5 Christmas Activities in the Dystopian Town You Created by Wishing You Were Never Born

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

So, you’ve created a dystopian nightmare version of your hometown by wishing you had never been born after a clerical error put your business in danger. Happens to the best of us!

Sure, your beloved little village may be now named after that greedy, evil Old Man Cruster and apparently your wife wears glasses, but that’s not the end of the world! Well, it kind of is for the world you once knew, but now that you’re apparently stuck here in Crusterville (as it’s now called), stop freaking out and try having some good old-fashioned Christmas fun!

1. Sledding Down the Mountain of Garbage

Nothing says “wintertime” like a delightful day of sledding with the family! Of course, we do things a little differently in Crusterville, as most of the hills around here are festering mounds of refuse, garbage and violently burrowing possums! Still, for extremely brief moments when a new snow falls, you can grab a rusty car door or toss the putrescent remains of something terrible out of a lead-based washtub and head on down that garbage slope! Also, you no longer have a family. They have never existed.

2. Use Your Precious, Hard-earned Money on a Cup of Hot Swill

And after exhausting yourself on those hills of decay and squalor, how about a warm-up? Of course, Old Man Cruster owns every business in town, and pays what can barely be called starvation wages to work in one of his sweatshops. But once you’ve skimped and saved and starved for weeks to get just an extra few nickels, try spending them on one of the quaint swill-vendors that line the alleys with their steaming buckets! Sure, it tastes like gasoline and is mostly gasoline, but it’ll warm you up and kill a few memories. Memories of a world that never was…

3. Stop by Crustkindlmarket

Now that you’ve got some gas courage in your belly, check out the Crustkindlmarket! That’s right, at some point, this town even renamed the traditional Christmas street market after the wizened despot who rules this town with the bitterness of a man who has never known love or affection! Stalls full of rude, surly townspeople selling poorly-made wooden dolls of Old Man Cruster! Advent calendars commemorating his brutal victories in business! Hats!

4. Realize Your Younger Brother Died in a Terrible Childhood Accident

This is one of visitors’ favorite activities around the Yuletide season! As you’re wandering the snowy, grimy streets, you’ll come across your beloved brother’s grave. He died because you weren’t there. All those other people did too. ‘Tis the season for horrific discoveries!

5. Form a Mob to Get the Crazy Stranger

Now that you’re getting used to Crusterville, join this growing mass of angry people to get the frantic stranger everyone’s been talking about! That guy is bad news and we should rough him up! Rough him up good! Roughing up people is what we do here in Crusterville, where you never existed but also only exist here now! Wait a minute, It’s you! You’re the stranger! Get Em!

Enjoy realizing the value of friends or whatever, and remember, when the mob does catch up to you don’t struggle just try to go limp.

Maturing Adult Male Asks Mom for Bed Frame for Christmas

Posted on by Alex Aho

FERNDALE, Mich. — Thirty-year-old male Ryan Hess took a significant step toward curating a sophisticated and presentable home space when he reached out to his mother to buy him a bed frame for Christmas, sources within the family confirmed.

“I saw a commercial for a nice bed frame while watching an old Spongebob episode and realized, man, I’m in my thirties and sleeping on a mattress on the floor,” confided Hess. “I felt this sudden surge of motivation that I’ve never had before. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make such a monumental decision on my own, so I did what any reasonable man does and called my mom. She’s really good at that kind of stuff, I still wear the dress shoes she got me when I went to interview for my first summer job when I was 15!”

Hess’s mother, Marylin Harper, was apprehensive about fulfilling her employed, housed, adult son’s request.

“I do think he could stand to decorate his own place by now,” she grumbled while stocking the pantry with Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes in preparation for Hess’s visit. “I discussed it with my husband and we realized it could benefit us as well. With the extra storage space under the bed, he can finally take these old band shirts out of my basement. And maybe he’ll finally find a girlfriend to pester about this stuff.”

Psychiatrist Norma Cusick echoed that female attention is a common motivator for heterosexual millennial males to procure wooden bed frames.

“There is a recent trend of women griping about men without bed frames on Twitter, which leads men to believe that owning one will give them a leg up in the dating scene,” said Dr. Cusick. “But this image-centric mindset makes the action largely superficial. It’s sort of like buying a muscle car or overstating one’s fandom of Phoebe Bridgers. Personal habits don’t change with a new purchase. More often than not, sheets on a newly framed bed will continue to remain unwashed for months at a time if he even has them.”

At press time, Hess declared his New Year’s resolution will be brushing his teeth twice a day, which is a sharp increase from his current routine of only brushing after throwing up.

8 Delicious Christmas-themed Cocktails That Will Hide the Fact That One Is Poisoned and You’re Soon To Inherit the Baron’s Holdings

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We all know the holidays can be a struggle to get through, so this year, make it easy on yourself and get a bit tipsy! Skip the boring beer and wine, a Christmas party deserves a fun, themed cocktail! Even if one holds the deadly, undetectable poison known as “versadinic” and you’re soon to inherit Baron Willowton’s entire holdings…

1. Tipsy Grinch

Ooh, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch! But this bright green cocktail made of equal parts creme de menthe, vodka and a dash of bitters, sure isn’t!

Of course, the Baron’s shiftless nephew Paulrick is known for his mean temper and might also have to be dealt with if he keeps snooping around the manor…

2. Eggnogtini

A boozy spin on a yuletide classic, simply mix 2 parts eggnog with cinnamon rum and a dash of nutmeg! It might not be a traditional martini, but traditions sometimes must be broken, especially since the Baron’s foolish new wife is nothing but an American divorcée, interfering in the family’s affairs.

3. Snickerdoodle Old-Fashioned

Nothing says “holiday” like the smell of cinnamon, orange and deep, oaky Kentucky Bourbon! That’s also the telling stench of Colonel Beaumont, the mysterious business associate of the Baron, who is visiting for the holidays and perhaps has seen too much, even in his inebriation. Perhaps.

4. Christinis

Another boozy spin on a yuletide classic, try this delicious blend of vanilla vodka and gingerbread-infused vermouth, finished with a roasted chestnut! The recipe came from François, the Baron’s longtime valet, who cannot be trusted, as he is nothing but a Québécois.

5. Nöel’s Fizz

Live the good life! Champagne, candied orange peel and a single macerated cranberry! But don’t let the bubbles go to your head and forget which beverage has the hidden versadinic. Remember, cousin Alistair from Kent-on-Symouth has his eyes on you.

6. Presents Under the Tree
Surprise! The presents are ice cubes and the tree is gin! This one is a favorite of Vladimir Illyavich Federov, the Smolenski wolfhound breeder who sees everything. Everything.

7. Red Ryder BB Guntini

You got it! A third boozy spin on a yuletide classic! Campari, sweet vermouth and a pinch of gunpowder gives this one a kick! Much like the Baron’s beloved foxhunts at his Willowton estate, where Uncle Bernard and his hot jazz records will no longer be welcome…

8. Santa’s Pleasure

And what a pleasure this concoction of blended Canadian Whisky, whipped cream and charcoal is! And it will soon to be a pleasure to have Willowton Manor all to oneself…soon…very soon…

Happy Holidays!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.