Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

SEATTLE — Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog, sources close to the bitter couple confirmed.

“They’re always pulling this shit,” said West after blowing off steam by stabbing a pillow with a pair of scissors. “It started with little things when we all lived in the same apartment building. We would tell everyone in the building we were having a Christmas party, then those pricks would also throw a Christmas party around the same time. They acted like it was no big deal too. Things got even worse when they got engaged. I volunteered to do some of my mime work at their reception and they had the nerve to say no. Now they think they are lords of the internet because they rescued some stupid dog that was about to be euthanized.”

In a concerted effort to clear things up, Will and Cassandra Roberts claimed their dog adoption was in no way influenced by Stein and West’s engagement.

“They just kind of… blow things out of proportion,” said Roberts as he tossed a tennis ball to his new dog Eddy. “Before COVID Cassandra and I took an Uber home from a friend’s birthday party because it was getting late, and Hannah told everybody that we left them for dead in the city without a ride. We didn’t even know they were at the party.”

Social Media Expert Gerard Tisdale weighed in on why some people have more successful posts on the platform of their choosing.

“Honestly, it’s a one-to-one ratio on how liked you are in real life. Daryl and Hannah seem like they will hold an intense grudge over any perceived slight,” said Tisdale. “Imagine one of them loaning you a quarter for the parking meter, and then bringing it up six months later that you never paid them back. It gets old quickly, and people start to tune it out. Conversely, the Roberts couple seem to live in the moment, and often volunteer to feed their friend’s cats when they go out of town for a few days. It’s no surprise who is more popular.”

At press time, the bitter couple was paying to boost a picture from date night to their followers, while Eddy the dog went viral on Tik Tok for rescuing a drowning child at the park.

Landlord Graciously Paints Over Dead Mouse In Closet

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

BOSTON — Local landlord Viktor Lind used his precious time and resources to add a fresh coat of paint to a dead mouse in the closet of his two-bedroom rental unit on Linden Street in Allston, confirmed new tenants who are also wondering if the heater works.

“Look, landlords are under attack right now. I’m barely making ends meet and government fat cats are making it so tenants are more entitled than ever before,” said Lind, while double-checking that all the windows in the apartment are unable to open. “I get calls day and night from these leeches demanding I ‘fix the broken lock on their front door, replace this gas leak in the stove, or ensure there’s running water’–I don’t run a freaking Club Med! ”

Duante Suarez says Lind promised to make small fixes to the unit before the move-in day, none of which happened.

“After I signed the lease I was told the apartment would be professionally cleaned and repainted. It looks like someone strapped a paint roller to a dog and had him run around the apartment. He was nice enough to paint over every outlet and a few dead rodents,” said Suarez, setting up a bed bug trap next to his freshly-unpacked headboard. “The landlord didn’t reply to any of my calls or messages until I texted him I was going to call the Board of Health today for a safety inspection. Five minutes later he was outside the building with 10 cans of spray paint and a dingy mop, cursing under his breath.”

A local exterminator Gerald Howe says he used to frequent the building added that he hasn’t been contacted since Lind bought the property last year.

“My company used to bait and bomb that place almost monthly–the walls are filled with more skeletons than that elephant graveyard in ‘The Lion King,’” said Howe, shivering. “But one day that cheap-ass landlord told us our prices were too high and he could handle it all himself, and that’s the last we heard from him. I did see him recently in the checkout line at Home Depot buying a five-gallon bucket of rat poison that was about to be recalled by the government.”

At press time, Lind was quietly updating the lease agreements for his apartments to say that all rodents found within units would be subject to a $25 per month pet fee.

I’ve Forgotten More About Moshing Than You’ll Ever Know Thanks to CTE

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Hey there, new meat. First mosh pit? No? Well that’s not what it looks like to me, a mosh pit veteran. What kind of technique is that? You look like you want to jump in on some double dutch but you’re too scared. Damn, I know so much more about moshing than you. And thanks to all the head trauma I’ve endured, I’m fairly certain I’ve forgotten more about moshing than you’ll ever learn.

I’ve been going to shows as far back as I can remember, which at this point is about two hours. My life is like the movie “Memento” but with less helpful tattoos. I’ve learned everything there is to know about moshing, except for the things that have seemed to fall out of my head for some reason. Maybe you should spend some time at this show looking around the floor of the pit for some of that knowledge I dropped. And while you’re down there could you help me find my glasses? I need to find them so I can smash them on your poser face.

What pits do you know? I know all the pits. Push pits, circle pits, punch pits, Sarlacc pits. You name the pit and I can tell you the exact moment I got concussed in it. Not from memory. I have all my hospital bracelets at home next to my show fliers and ticket stubs.

Your entire show etiquette is horrible! You’re crowd surfing with your shoes on? That’s how people like me get kicked in the head, causing us to forget that we’re not supposed to wear shoes while crowd surfing, leading us to kick more people in the head, continuing the cycle. Ignorance is an epidemic and you’re patient zero. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go all Chris Benoit on this pit.

Cultured Punk’s Diet Based on Free Art Gallery Wine and Cheese

Posted on by Khadija Hassan

NEW YORK — Local punk Than Luethke reports that the majority of his caloric intake comes from the free wine and cheese platters offered at art exhibit openings across the city, defeated gallery managers confirm.

“I wish I had discovered this shit sooner. I started dating an art history major and it opened up this entire world of free booze and fancy finger foods that I thought were reserved for sellouts and lawyers. I can’t believe they just hand out wine and cheese the whole time and all you have to do is pretend to like a dumb sculpture. The best part? If you’re 86-ed or whatever, there’s like seven more on the same block,” stated Luethke while enjoying an aged brie. “I don’t even go dumpster diving anymore because the cheese has so much protein in it, and if I’m being honest, I’m usually too wasted by the end of the night to walk anyway.”

Harold Wolf, an art resident at Opium Gallery sees Luethke’s blatant free food approach in a different light.

“This is what the art sphere needs. He creates a space of interactive and intellectual questioning in these classist spaces. The minute he walks in with his tattered clothing, gouda scented sweat, and bloodshot eyes, gone is the veneer of who is truly allowed to enjoy an artistic experience,” said Wolf. “The beautiful castles of royalty were once filled with feces due to their lack of plumbing and disregard for those who were left to clean it. When he grabs his third plate, we are watching a genius at work.”

Deschutes Gallery manager Layla Hassan describes Luethke’s actions as a constant barrage that ceases to be subdued.

“As a gallery manager, I’ve seen plenty of people have a little too much wine at an opening, but at this point, we have to switch to box wine specifically for [Luethke]. Our gallery showings are free to the general public, but he’s created a substantial added cost,” attests Layla Hassan. “I’ve had to explain that we do not provide ‘red wine doubles’ on numerous occasions. He was escorted off the premises during Thursday after attempting to incite a ‘mosh pit’ in the abstract exhibit.”

At press time, Luethke quadrupled his yearly income after learning local art schools will pay him up to $30 to pose nude for an hour.

Apple TV Officially Changes Name To “The One That Ted Lasso Is On”

Posted on by Ryan Danley

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Executives at Apple TV responded to “an overwhelming amount of customer demands” by announcing that their network will now be referred to exclusively as “The One That Ted Lasso Is On,” sources who pray to a photo of Steve Jobs every night confirmed.

“From our groundbreaking operating systems to our handheld devices, Apple has always strived to make user-friendly products. With that spirit in mind, we will be honoring the users’ need to quickly find their favorite show. Because to be honest with you, I’m not even sure what the fuck else is on that app,” said Apple’s Director of Community Relations Sandra Smith. “Loyal Apple TV users will no longer have to fumble through a myriad of apps searching for Mr. Lasso’s fish out of water shenanigans. Whether Ted is gleefully unfamiliar with British customs, dealing with his broken family, or using toxic positivity to cover up his traumas, it’ll all be laid out for your easy digestion, like a bowl of cottage cheese.”

Long time fan of the show Dan Rogers is incredibly relieved by the news.

“Streaming used to be easy. Just get Netflix or Hulu and you were good. Now, if you put a gun to my head right now and asked me the difference between Paramount Plus and Peacock, I’d have to say goodbye to my kids,” said Rogers. “The world is a dark and vile place. Fascists marching in the streets, cops killing people, and like half the country refusing to take a simple vaccine. Ted’s pop culture quips are the only thing keeping me from driving off a cliff.”

Marketing Director Luke Greene says that we should expect a lot of similar changes across the media spectrum.

“With the massive influx of personalised entertainment, major players don’t want to get lost in the mix. The automatic pilot days of trusting people will just watch nine hours of ‘Guy’s Grocery Games’ have passed,” Greene said. “Netflix is toying around with changing its name to ‘Don’t Really Want It, But It Would Be Weird Not To Have’ and Hulu will become ‘Am I Still Paying For This?’ But my favorite is Comcast just rebranding basic cable as ‘Grandma’s House.’”

Jason Sudekis was unavailable for comment as he was busy battling Paul Rudd for title of most charming fucking dude ever.

Massive Coconut Oil Spill In Gulf Of Mexico Improves Hair Quality Of 300+ Species

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS — An overloaded barge containing nearly fifty thousand gallons of coconut oil spilled into the Gulf Of Mexico causing over 300 species to see a remarkable improvement in their hair quality, confirmed Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) officials posing for selfies with the animals.

“I’ve attended dozens of workshops on how to properly rehabilitate these animals after a spill, but nothing could have prepared me for this,” said cleanup volunteer Elizabeth Walston. “I’m stuck here caring for a Double-Crested Cormorant with beautifully coiffed feathers knowing full well that the oil will wear off in a few days and it will go back to being just another stupid fucking bird. There’s part of me that wants to give up and put these animals out of their misery once and for all so they don’t have to suffer anymore. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing they won’t have continual access to this sort of sparkle?”

Ulta Beauty Inc, an American chain specializing in beauty products, has lost a considerable amount of its coconut oil supply as a result of the spill.

“Like everyone, I’m completely outraged,” said Ulta CEO David Kimbell. “That ship was carrying enough coconut oil to keep our customers looking fabulous until the end of Q1. Now I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen. We had an exclusive deal lined up with Machine Gun Kelly that’s basically flushed down the toilet now. I have half a mind to go down to that beach and scrape the oil off of them myself, and maybe even charge all that freeloading wildlife market price. It’s not my fault these birds refuse to get jobs.”

Pillars of the fashion and beauty world, including Jonathan Van Ness of “Queer Eye,” voiced their support for these birds’ new “looks”.

“These animals are letting their inner beauty shine,” said Van Ness from a nearby sand dune where he could be seen applauding every animal affected by the spill. “Who gave that Double-crested Cormorant permission to slay so hard? At first, I thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker, but no it’s just Phalacrocorax auritus serving us so much style I want to go back for seconds. The perfectly conditioned hair, the shine on the feathers. Honey, I’m literally obsessed. Go off queens!”

Environmentalists expressed concern that tornadoes could also have a positive impact on the hair quality of a number of species, leaving blow dryer companies like Dyson at a loss of profit.

5 DIY Plates That Say “I Haven’t Washed the Dishes in a Week”

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

Let’s get this out of the way up top: Just because I haven’t washed my dishes in a week doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I’m just innovative. Why do all that work when my apartment is filled with perfectly suitable food delivery surfaces? I’m actually the truest embodiment of the DIY lifestyle, and if your sink isn’t brimming with old, moldy dishes, then I question your place in this scene. Get on my level:

Tupperware Lid
I guess the more technical term for it is Reused-Land-O-Lakes-Whipped-Butter-Container-Functioning-As-Tupperware-Until-I-Hit-It-Big-And-Can-Afford-The-Real-Stuff-One-Day Lid. I used the actual container for cereal yesterday morning. And last night. And this morning. So I’ve pretty much maxed it out until I get around to washing my dishes. And at that point, why eat out of a clean old butter container when I can use a clean bowl instead? Point being, I ate reheated steak and cheese taquitos off a Land O Lakes lid.

Dog Bowl (Clean)
Obviously, I wouldn’t eat out of a dirty dog bowl. I don’t have a dog, which is why boiling and eating Picante Chicken Ramen out of a metal dog bowl is clean and safe. Would I recommend it? No. Would I do it again if necessary? All signs point to Yes.

Frisbee
Nothing screams “I’m fine and I don’t need to address the growing pile of dishes in my sink” like a good, old-fashioned white bread and ketchup sandwich on a free Frisbee I snagged from the local college’s club activity fair. It wasn’t my college, but the Make Libertarians Great Again Club didn’t know that when they were giving away all their free “No Handouts, Just Bootstraps”-emblazoned merch. Once the ketchup and crumbs have build up, you can’t even read the dumbass slogan anyway.

Dog Bowl (Dirty)
I know what I said. But here’s the thing: I still don’t have a dog. I just wrapped the dirty Ramen dog bowl in clean tin foil and BOOM — clean dog bowl. As for what I did with it, see Dog Bowl (Clean).

Old ‘Crotchety Goblins’ Record (Scratched Beyond Repair)
Man, if you’ve never heard Crotchety Goblins, you’re missing out. But hey, I’m feeling generous, so here’s what I’ll do. Just Venmo me $35 + shipping fees (@Crotchety_Goblins_Band) and I’ll send you one of our records — I’ve got loads of ‘em sitting around. Obviously we made them for listening, but I accidentally scratched up a few so now I use them as makeshift charcuterie boards. Just arrange some stale saltines, shredded Kraft singles, and cut up Slim Jims, and you’re about to be the fanciest motherfucker in the scene.

Of course, when I run out of every item that conceivably serves food, it’s time for me to do the dishes… By which I mean throw out every dirty cup, bowl, and plate, then sneak back into the college dining hall to steal some more.

Hot Topic Grows Out of Punk Phase

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. — Mall chain store Hot Topic announced that it has grown out of its punk phase and finds its past pretty embarrassing when looking back, according to a corporate press release.

“This is a brand new day for Hot Topic,” said spokesperson Lindsey Chan. “While we have been known for years as a place where pop-punks, baby goths, and posers could come and find cheap studded belts and ‘The Crow’ posters, Hot Topic no longer really feels like ‘punk’ represents us and our vibe. Frankly, we’ve put that behind us and grew up. It’s actually pretty embarrassing to think we ever thought that it was cool. Now, we’re going to sell dependable, Ariana Grande coffee mugs and maybe some Maroon 5 shirts. The singer does have all those tattoos, though.”

Arthur Weir, a store manager at one of Hot Topic’s nearly 700 stores, was surprised by the sudden shift in direction.

“I don’t know what prompted this,” Weir said while tossing a garbage bag filled with ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ merchandise into a dumpster. “One day, Hot Topic seemed all-in on being punk. They were never going to change, not for all the Honda Accords and clean living situations in the world. But now, there’s talk of having benefits that apparently include 401k matching, and they just told us that the new dress code is business casual, except on Fridays, when wacky shirts are encouraged. I guess this is just what happens when a chain store hits a certain age.”

In contrast, longtime Hot Topic customer and Orange Julius consumer Ann Balson was excited for the change.

“You know, I’m all on board,” Balson said while browsing through a selection of Cardi B shot glasses and ‘The Office’ keychains. “I’ve spent so much on Manic Panic and hoodies here, I’m thrilled to be able to change things up while still maintaining brand loyalty. When Hot Topic was a store catering to the loosest definition of punk, I was there for the Sid Vicious T-shirts and skinny jeans. But now, I could just really go for some ‘Little Mermaid’ loafers.”

As of press time, Hot Topic had issued another release detailing the official company position on estate tax reform.

Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

KENOSHA, Wis. — Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can “hang out again really soon” immediately following the not guilty verdict, sources at the courthouse reported.

“I just want to say that Kyle is just the coolest kid ever. I was so honored to play a part in keeping him out of jail. I’m going to find him on Facebook as soon as I’m out of here,” said Judge Schroeder, whose behavior during the trial has come under constant scrutiny. “When I was his age, I never got to play with cool guns like that because my mom wouldn’t let me, so Kyle’s mom must be pretty cool too. Now that this nonsense is behind us I hope we can go bowling, or even better, maybe we can go hunting together. I’ll bring some even cooler, and don’t tell anyone this, but highly illegal guns and make a weekend out of it.”

“This kid is welcome in my courtroom any time,” Schroeder added.

Rittenhouse concurred with the Judge’s remarks and said that it was Schroeder’s friendship that got him through some tough times.

“I was a little worried. Your first murder trial is always the most nerve-wracking, but Judge Schroeder was great,” said Rittenhouse, who illegally carried a firearm across state lines and killed two people on camera. “When that prosecutor was being a total dick to me, the Judge totally had my back. Plus he kept cracking all these great jokes on the bench and even let me participate! He said he’s going to get a bunch of guys from the police department to throw me a wild ‘Not Guilty’ party. Someone pinch me because partying with cops is my dream.

Legal analysts and pundits expressed their dismay but admitted they weren’t especially surprised.

“The verdict of this case was a foregone conclusion, so, I guess I should’ve been ready for this,” noted journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones. “There’ve been plenty of examples of two justice systems in America, but I don’t think I’ve seen a case of judicial malpractice like the case of Schroeder. The guy was practically doing cheer routines for him. I mean, let’s call it what it was: dick-riding.”

At press time, Schroeder refused to adjourn court until the prosecutors apologized to Rittenhouse.

Legal Expert Says Kyle Rittenhouse Lies Under Oath as Good or Better Than Veteran Cop

Posted on by Tony Morse

KENOSHA, Wis. — Renowned courtroom analyst Dr. John Andersen confirmed that freshly acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse was as proficient as a seasoned cop when it comes to lying under oath, disgusted sources confirmed.

“This teenager expressed feigned emotion with a sociopathic ease you usually see on well-coached law enforcement officials,” said the trial commentator over suppressed gagging. “Historically speaking, we only see this level of deception from cops with lots of experience planting evidence, making up fake witnesses, or convincing their spouses that they’ll never hit them again. Really, Kyle brought the full package: alligator tears, well-timed whimpering, and, most of all, his white skin. There’s not a jury in America who wouldn’t have been bamboozled by this charming little killer. He has a bright future in law enforcement if he doesn’t decide to run for office.”

The mood among rank-and-file officers was jubilant, as cops everywhere celebrated Rittenhouse’s acquittal and how well he put one over on a jury of his peers.

“God damn, that kid was a fuckin’ pro,” said 22-year member of the Chicago Police Department, Randy Baker. “You really have to bring it when you kill someone, and Kyle dropped not one, but two bodies! On video! The old ‘I feared for my life’ schtick isn’t enough by itself these days. You really have to convey that you didn’t enjoy every minute of snuffing out human life and that you can’t wait to do it again. It took me years fabricating shit in search warrant applications before I could make courtroom perjury look half that easy. I really hope Kyle decides to join the force, we need more guys just like him.”

Still, community justice activists worried that Rittenhouse’s performance would only exacerbate an already widespread systemic problem.

“This is probably going to push regular cop lying to some next-level gaslighting bullshit,” said longtime police reform advocate Marcus Bailey. “I bet we start to see cops just tell juries that no one was killed in the first place. I mean, why bother to come up with an excuse at all if your badge and uniform can literally make jurors disregard their own eyes, ears, and basic senses of humanity and decency?”

As press time, Kyle Rittenhouse was celebrating his acquittal by firing his AR-15 indiscriminately into the air and crowd in front of the courthouse while Fox News hosts made cases for his sainthood.