Girlfriend Warns Punk Meeting Her Parents Not to Mention Any Aspect of His Life

Posted on by Brendan Krick

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local woman Brittany Mullins instructed her punk boyfriend Miles Blanchard not to mention his job, band, car, hobbies, drinking habit, religious views, or any other aspect of his life when he meets her parents this weekend, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“I love Miles and I love all of his stories, like the time he managed to throw up in the pit of an Iron Reagan show and the puke stream was so powerful it rocketed on stage and knocked over one of the drummer’s cymbals, but I’m not sure my parents are going to find that anecdote ‘charming,’” stated Mullins as she looked for a clean pair of pants to dress Blanchard in. “I started making a list of topics for him to avoid, but it was so long I made a list of things he’s allowed to talk about instead. And that list is basically just different types of bread.”

“Not gonna lie, I’m pretty nervous about this,” stated Blanchard, examining a stack of index cards. “I’ve been practicing fake heart attacks for the last month, if things go south I’ll just pretend I’m dying to change the subject.”

Mullins’ father Todd reportedly liked Blanchard but found him confusing.

“I like this boy, but I think he may have a neurological disorder of some kind. Every time I tried asking him a question he just sort of mumbled then put his head down on the table,” reported Mr. Mullins. “And I’ve never seen someone so sweaty in my life. Honestly, he seems sort of boring. When I was his age, I had all kinds of cool stories like the time I shoplifted an entire forklift from Walmart and crashed it into the river. This guy’s a bit of a stick in the mud.”

Family counselor Edward Luksic says that young couples often have to hide their true selves in front of parents.

“We live in very contentious times. Families are being torn apart in the current political climate, and lots of young people are faced with a serious dilemma; stand up for their morals or speak their truth and be written out of the will,” said Luksic. “A person will often choose to hide the anarchist views they share with their partner in order for their parents to continue to pay for their phone bill and car insurance.”

At press time, Blanchard was spotted hiding in the parking garage, practicing a fictional prepared anecdote about a season finale viewing party of “The Bachelor.”

Tragic: This Dad Went Out for a Pack of Cigarettes and Came Right Back

Posted on by Dom Turek

Tragedy struck a local family when a husband and father of three selfishly decided to go out for a pack of cigarettes and return 20 minutes later, according to his heartbroken wife and children.

“How could he do this to us?” asked Michelle Wainwright of her husband, Earl Wainwright, blinking back tears. “Does he have any idea how hard it’s going to be raising three boys with a man around the house? Who’s going to teach them about the birds and the bees, or how to ride a bike with him still in the picture screaming drunken obscenities at the TV? Our youngest is going to be crushed when he finds out. His dad was his antihero.”

Having little more to offer than unsolicited comments on his wife’s weight and the occasional earth-shattering belch, Earl’s family has been anxiously awaiting his mysterious disappearance for years.

“It’s like you never really know someone,” said Lawrence Wainwright, the family’s eldest child. “Not in a million years did I expect my dad to leave the house for a pack of cigarettes and come right back, day after day, for my whole life. The fact he opted to watch a Cleveland Browns game on the night I was born instead of being at the hospital tells you everything you need to know about him. Our neighbor had to cut my umbilical cord.”

Middle school teacher Sheryl Horn was shocked to learn the boys even had a father, citing that the Wainwright children never included a dad in any class drawings of their family.

“I see this all the time with my students,” said Horn. “Fathers go out for a pack of cigarettes and come back so they can neglect their children in person. This does major damage to the family and creates lifelong attachment issues. If only some men had the common decency to leave their house under the guise of running a quick errand and instead skip town, change their phone number and marry a woman 30 years younger than them, these kids might stand a chance.”

At press time, Earl was seen returning home after he went out for a carton of milk.

Metal-Themed Pizza Shop’s Stickers Disproportionately Better Than Their Pizza

Posted on by Michael Gursky

DENVER — Customers of local hotspot SlashCheese, a metal-themed pizza shop with a fittingly grungy exterior and blaring metal playing constantly, reported that the graphic designs on SlashCheese’s ever-evolving selection of stickers far outweigh the quality of their pizza.

“Everybody who comes in the shop comments on how dope our stickers are,” boasted SlashCheese owner Tanner Wilkins, a part-time drummer for the band Rodent Feast with no background in Italian cuisine. “My friend Daryl does the artwork. Goblins and warlocks eating pizza and shit. Like ‘Garbage Pail Kids’ meets ‘Magic The Gathering,’ that’s been our vision. Customers stop in weekly just to see if we have any new stickers out. It forces me to question why our Yelp reviews are so negative. One guy said, ‘The place has a great atmosphere, tons of vintage skateboards on the wall, the stickers are sick, but I’d rather suck my grandmother’s foot than eat that fuckin’ pizza again.’”

Repeat customers stop in weekly to stockpile a new assortment of SlashCheese stickers and typically try to leave before being forced to order a slice.

“The designs are fuego! I have Nalgenes covered in ‘em. Equipment cases. Some of their older stickers are just sitting around my apartment to patch holes in the wall,” said Harrison, a local stoner and aspiring noise musician. “I tend to avoid their pizza, which looks like someone crushed a rose-budding butthole with a shovel and then microwaved it. The sauce is like expired Prego mixed with afterbirth, and that’s on a good day. I’d be scared to try their vegan slice, I’d probably end up with dysentery. Great people, though, love SlashCheese.”

Foodies and critics, like traveling food blogger Missy Crystal, had harsher words to say about the pizza in question.

“Brick oven goat shit, with a hint of vomit,” served as her most concise, oddly specific summation. “I did enjoy the rough dynamic of their promotional material, but their pizza? It’s not Digiorno, it’s dick cheese on soup kitchen bread. It was like eating period blood on plastic wrap in one of Freddy Krueger’s revolting nightmare scenarios. SlashCheese is doing the stickers right though. I took a few of the stickers with a red-eyed pegasus sucking off a breadstick dick.”

At press time, rumors of SlashCheese adding calzones to their menu resulted in the Colorado National Guard being called in to prevent the establishment from ruining the cuisine forever.

You’d Think the Tragic Death of Our Teammate Would Be the Perfect Rallying Point To Get Us To Win the Big Game, but Here We Are

Posted on by Ryan Danley

We lost our star wide receiver Brandon Little in a terrible accident earlier this month, and the team was in a bad place. We had the big game coming up against Jefferson, and we didn’t know how we were going to go on. But then Coach sat us down before the game and told us that as long as we knew Brandon was out on the field with us, we were unstoppable. We all cheered and knew Brandon was watching over us, giving us the strength to beat any team.

We all chanted ‘BRANDON” before we hit the field and were ready to take on the world! And then we got dicks put in the fucking dirt.

At first, I thought we just hadn’t gotten used to the idea of using our dead friend’s memory as a football strategy, and that we would come around at some point. But the first time I carried the ball a Jefferson offensive lineman hit me so hard that I wondered if Brandon was really looking down at us.

If I’m being honest the concussion I received kind of made me forget about Brandon for a minute. It’s almost like he jumped off that roof super drunk and didn’t quite make the pool for nothing.

The rest of the team struggled to find their inner Brandon as well. Dakota has never been the fastest guy, but I was hoping the Brandon factor would give him a step or two. Nope. He couldn’t buy a first down. It probably didn’t help that Brandon had slept with our QB’s girlfriend before he died. If that were me, I would have thrown 6 interceptions too.

At the end of the game, we lost by forty points. Even Coach bringing Brandon’s game jersey at half-time did nothing. It’s almost like he should have spent that time coming up with a new offensive strategy rather than searching for some motivational prop. I’m not sure why it didn’t work. Maybe it was because Brandon had drawn dicks on our faces with a Sharpie every time we slept on the bus.

Or maybe it was God.

Brandon, if you were out there with us, sorry for how disappointed you must feel. Now I guess it’s plan B, using the memory of this crushing defeat as motivation to get a high score on my SAT.

Weezer’s Entire Set Ironic Versions of Their Own Songs

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Legendary rock band Weezer surprised audiences at this past weekend’s Ugly Sweater Festival when their set consisted entirely of ironic versions of their own songs, confirmed multiple sources who had no idea what to make of it.

“Look, this is what the band thought would be best,” said frontman/guitarist River Cuomo during a brief break. “And by that I mean I decided that we’re only going to do our own songs if we can make fun of them and walk a very thin line between glibness and genuine appreciation of our own past success. Since we did that Toto song, we realized all our fans just want us to be like a disingenuous throwback to the days when being sincere was the worst thing you could be. And you know what? We’ll take it. By which I mean, I’ll take it.”

“Okay, back to being a ‘rock star,’ I guess or whatever,” Cuomo said.

Chet Maroney, a self-proclaimed die-hard fan at the show, was confused by the performance.

“I’ve been to about 75 Weezer concerts and I’ve been really excited to get back to seeing them live again,” said Maroney. “Especially now that they’re having this career revival doing covers of Metallica and calling an album ‘Van Weezer’ for some reason. But they kept introducing their own songs with air quotes, and when Rivers Cuomo did a guitar solo, he did this exaggeratedly goofy face, even though it was just the exact solo from ‘Pork and Beans.’ I figured it would be just a straight run-through of greatest hits and maybe some shit-talking about Fall Out Boy. But every single song so far has had this weird attitude, like they’re too good to play a Weezer song. Or maybe that they like them a lot? I dunno.”

Behavioral therapist Dr. Martha Carter understood fans’ bewilderment.

“The deep-seated self-loathing of your average Weezer fan is nothing compared to that of every member of the band,” said Dr. Carter. “Can you imagine having to go up on stage and sincerely sing songs about Buddy Holly that you wrote almost 30 years ago? They have to be constantly reevaluating everything they ever wrote. Most of the songs of ‘Pinkerton’ are highly suspect. Man, it’s hard to know what to think about them.”

Weezer ended the set by bringing founding guitarist Jason Cropper on stage to ridicule him for his substantially smaller bank account balance.

Guy with 3D Printer Guesses He’ll Make Another Fucking Pencil Holder

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HURSTBOURNE, Ky — Local technophile Dean Espinosa made yet another fucking pencil holder after needlessly blowing $10,000 on a 3D printer, frustrated familial sources confirmed.

“I’ve always been an early adopter and I wanted to be on the cutting edge of this revolution in consumer goods,” said Espinosa. “But I gotta be honest. While I knew it would take time for 3D printing to reach its full potential, I figured that after six months or so I’d be printing out full-sized luxury sedans and four-course meals of braised duck with all the fixins. But the majority of print designs right now are just bullshit tchotchkes and pencil holders. I thought about trying to sell these on Etsy, but one of their customer service reps said they wouldn’t list them because they are ‘too pointless.’”

Although still supportive, girlfriend Abbie Sadler has grown frustrated by Espinosa’s commitment.

“It was kind of cool, I guess. I had no idea we needed a pencil holder, but there we were eight hours later with a fresh one. We didn’t even have a pencil to test it out, it finished printing at 2 a.m. so we had to wait until the Walmart opened and ended up buying some dumb jumbo pack of 600 pencils. I really don’t like the direction we are heading,” said Sadler. “He can call them whatever he wants, desk organizers, pen mugs, writing implement coffers, but it’s all just pencil holders, man. Super glad we sunk that money into this crap instead of crypto like I wanted.”

Still, others believe that there are more sinister forces behind the glut of pencil holder 3D designs.

“You ever wonder why pencil holders are pretty much all that’s out there? Like, really wonder, man? It’s not ‘cause the technology is in its infancy and currently limited by cost of production. It’s ‘cause they’re all in the pocket of Big Pencil, man,” explained an online conspiracy theorist known only as Lead Throat. “They just want us to be churning out baby Yoda pencil holders like the good little sheep we are. But I see through the lies, man. And this thing goes right to the top. Dixon Ticonderoga, Cretacolor, and even those heartless bastards at Crayola are all in on it. I’ve already said too much.”

At press time, Espinosa was doubling down on his initial investment by spending an additional $3,200 on filament, while Lead Throat was found dead with seven medium-point mechanical pencils in the back of his skull. Authorities have already ruled his death a suicide.

Aging Metalhead Switches to Jack and Caffeine-Free-Diet-Coke for Health Reasons

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Forty-two-year-old heavy metal fanatic Jason Higgins shocked bar patrons earlier this week by ordering a Jack Daniel’s Whiskey and cola with the specific caveat that the soda be diet and with no caffeine, a veteran bartender reported.

“Look, I know I am not getting any younger. There is some grey in my 10-inch-long goatee and my health isn’t what it once was so I had to make some lifestyle changes,” the jaundiced-looking Higgins said while drinking his fifth Jack and Caffeine-Free-Diet-Coke of the evening. “While the ladies seem to dig the beer gut under my leather vest, my doctor told me I can’t keep going the way I had been for decades. I decided to make some hard sacrifices; so caffeine is out and I’m going to watch my weight. I’m sticking with the Jack though, we all need a little cheat, right?”

Higgins’ friends however see this as a betrayal to their ethos and culture.

“I literally fell off my barstool when he ordered that drink, and not just because I was drunk. I remember a Jason who wanted to live fast, die young, and leave a corpse that looks like beef jerky,” friend Felix “Casket” Mason said while waiting for his dealer. “I remember once we drove all the way to Philly just to see Exodus and all we had the entire trip was J&B scotch and generic brand cheese balls. I didn’t take a shit for three weeks after that trip, and when I finally did it was so big and hard it broke my toilet. Anyway, I hope his sudden health kick doesn’t last because I just got a job at the deli and I’m going to have tons of free meat.”

Doctors are noticing a trend in the metal community of choosing the lesser of two evils in an effort to get healthy.

“Whenever I get a metalhead or a punk in my office pushing forty I tell them they have to stop partying so much but instead they will give up Taco Bell, but they keep huffing paint,” said Primary Care Physician Dianne Vargas, MD. “They will be going into liver failure and tell me that they will start going for walks, or brushing their teeth more. The one thing they shouldn’t do is push their hearts even harder but they tell me that mediation is for hippies.”

Following a night of hard-drinking, Higgins announced that he will also be switching to menthols after losing feeling in his left arm.

So You Started a YouTube Show: 5 Ways To Stop Talking Like That

Posted on by Dan Rice

You probably thought that starting your own YouTube show dedicated to your favorite nerdom would be fun, but by now the curse has surely taken hold. You’ve probably realized you’re no longer capable of so much as ordering a cup of coffee without sounding like you’re hosting “The Toys That Made Us” or some bullshit.

It is as if there is a portrait of you somewhere that grows to hate how obnoxious you sound, while the rest of you keeps repeating “like and subscribe” with a shit-eating grin on your face. If left unchecked your condition will only get worse. One day you’ll try to give a struggling friend sincere advice but all that will come out is a chronological kill count to the Child’s Play franchise.

Eventually, your condition will escalate to the point where you won’t be able to say “I love you” to your partner without sounding like you’re reading copy for a mattress commercial, but there is hope.

Sing Whatever You Want To Say
An old speech therapy trick. The act of singing uses a different part of the brain than talking, so maybe it can bypass the part of yourself that sounds like a complete tool.

Take A Look At Your Views
Are the majority of them just you re-watching your own video? Right, so, maybe tone it down.

Look In The Mirror
Is that Casey Kasem looking back at you? Or that guy who hosted The Love Connection? No? Then why the fuck are you talking like that?! Stop talking like that.

Try A Honey Lemon Tea, But Put A Bunch Of Sand In It
It’s truly amazing how soothing tea with honey and lemon can be on the throat, but it’s no match for a bunch of sand. Try telling me everything wrong with Rogue One: A Star Wars Story now asshole.

Just Don’t Talk Anymore
Just shut the fuck up dude. Who the fuck cares? Just shut up.

Outdoor Concertgoer Exiting Port-a-Potty Shares Uneasy Look With Next Soul in Line

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Dominick Campbell exited a port-o-potty he described as a “crime scene level disaster” and gave a wild-eyed expression to the next poor soul in line, confirmed multiple witnesses reconsidering their bathroom options.

“I served four years as an army medic overseas so I thought I had seen it all, but that blue booth of doom rocked me to my core,” said Campbell, while laying down next to the medical tent in hopes of recovering from what he saw. “I tried to warn the next woman in line, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I tried my best to communicate to her that peeing her pants was a safer and more hygienic option, but I couldn’t stick around any longer. I hope she made the right decision.”

Stephanie Clark, 23, a film major at UC Berkeley who attended the concert with her boyfriend, was the recipient of the ill-fated look.

“It was terrifying,” said Clark. “My boyfriend and I were standing in line and this guy comes out of the port-a-potty and it looked like he had seen a ghost, but like if the ghost was covered in shit and had no toilet paper. Something went down in there, something unnatural. I’m not sure if we’ll ever know because I was too scared to go in. When I close my eyes at night I still see the look that man gave me. It haunts my dreams, I just hope he’s ok.”

Leland Lawson, a groundskeeper at Golden Gate Park working the event, felt obligated to step into action after multiple reports of the port-o-potty traumatizing guests.

“There is often a culture of silence that surrounds public bathrooms at festivals,” said Lawson, raking up leaves and beer cans. “Most people exit the shitter and just look at the ground, too ashamed to look at another human. But even this was too much for the crowd. I took one look inside and knew I was up against something truly evil. I put some police tape around the toilet, said a silent prayer, and I plan on lighting it all on fire tonight and sending it back to hell.”

At press time, Campbell was seen hiding under his bed after noticing a port-a-potty left at a construction site across the street from his house.

12 Conversations To Avoid At Thanksgiving This Year

Posted on by Tony Morse

With Thanksgiving later this week, many of us will be spending time with family members we don’t see very often. Avoid these 12 conversation topics to make sure you have an enjoyable Holiday weekend.

Vaccination Status

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, most adults will either be vaccinated or dead. If someone at your dinner table is neither, they are living on borrowed time. So best not to ask unless you’re prepared for tearful goodbyes before pumpkin pie.

The Ending of Squid Game

It turns out there’s nothing really that controversial about a show full of murderous murdering murderers murdering at will unless it ends with someone who wasn’t murdered vowing to stop the murderers from murdering more murder victims. The ending has been divisive because fans who love murder wanted more murdering. Anyway, this is a topic to avoid because trying to prevent innocent people from being murdered really isn’t in the true spirit of Thanksgiving.

Your Dad’s Other Family That You Only Recently Learned Exists

They probably won’t be at your house, and it’s rude to talk about other people behind their backs. Besides, if your dad isn’t spending Thanksgiving with them, he loves you more. Don’t be so insecure.

The Creature in Midnight Mass

This supernatural being drinks human blood, avoids sunlight, and flies around with giant fucking bat wings, but fans of Mike Flanagan’s latest seem to be caught up in a debate about whether this killing machine is an angel or a vampire. That’s dumb because no one in the show ever actually says “vampire,” so by process of elimination he’s an angel. If you still need to talk about this, maybe try sitting at the kid’s table.

Whatever Happened To That Hitchhiker Your Mom Hit With The Family Car

Nothing can dampen the holiday mood like bringing up family trauma that everyone tries so hard to suppress with their various maladaptive coping mechanisms. Besides, criminal homicide has no statute of limitations and you don’t want to get charged as an accessory. Try asking Grandma how she gets her mashed potatoes so light and fluffy instead.

Rush Limbaugh

While Thanksgiving is certainly a time to reflect on the year’s events and think about what you should really be thankful for, some topics have been known to make people nauseous which can spoil an otherwise appetizing meal.

Who Would Play Jamie Spears If He Was a Character in Handmaid’s Tale

Who would actually want the role of one of the worst people on a show already full of really awful characters? Hypotheticals this extreme make for boring conversation. But if someone insists on talking about it, Mel Gibson could probably pull it off quite well.

Why Your Grandma Won’t Let Anyone Try One Of Those DNA Tests For Ethnicity And Genealogy

This topic will either result in feeling shame when your grandma inevitably says something racist, or start a really awkward exchange about how serial killers can get caught if their family members submit their own DNA for these things. Probably better to just let her ramble about your family being from whatever country she’s into lately despite the lack of evidence.

Ted Lasso

Seeing as how this conversation always inevitably leads to someone saying “what’s Apple TV?” and then asking for your login (which you’ve already stolen from your ex) it’s best to just keep your mouth shut here.

How You Want To Be Cremated Instead of Buried

This always starts fights because it invites relatives to make blockheaded jokes about how finishing a fifth of scotch before dinner means you might have a drinking problem. Expect inane little one-liners like, “I’m sure your body won’t have any problems igniting,” or “if you decide to get buried you probably won’t need to be embalmed.” And word to the wise, retorts like “I only need to drink this way around you” can result in treatment center referrals.

Your Band

Your family has never come out to see you play, and they’re never going to. So just drop it, and bring it up in therapy if you really need to.

Cocaine

Total faux pas to mention it unless you brought enough for everyone. On the other hand, holding that much blow makes you look like a showoff, and your family will assume that you’re bringing more at Christmas. Don’t set yourself up for disappointing them again.