Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Skeptics Question Scientific Link Between Weight Gain & Drinking 12 PBRs At Every Show

Posted on December 28, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – A small but visibly-confused group of free thinkers stormed the HI-FI Annex stage to incoherently question the connection between weight gain and drinking a dozen semi-cold Pabst Blue Ribbons at every show, confused audience members confirmed.

“There’s no way the weight gain I’ve experienced since I started drinking at shows in high school was caused by beer!” said Matt Hartsell, the group’s leader, while shotgunning a PBR and spitting all over the front row. “This junk science–a false flag operation if I’ve ever seen one–is meant to keep us from experiencing the freedom of drinking a 12-pack of Blue Ribbon in the parking lot between bands! There was a documentary called ‘Road Soda’ that Facebook took down last week and it proved that exercise and nutrition are propaganda created by the liberal deep state elite to keep us running on a treadmill instead of back to the bar.”

Jason Bonham, Hartsell’s former roommate and witness to the stage takeover, came away from the experience with more questions than answers.

“That group brought up some good points. Everybody wants to call them crazy, but I only drink at shows and keep getting bigger and more uncomfortable. I’m glad they’re asking questions because something weird is going on here,” Bonham said between long, trash-scented belches. “Moshing for 30 or 40 seconds every two songs is more than enough physical activity to maintain the physical fitness I had in my early 20s. I’ll check that documentary out on YouTube and follow some of these people on Twitter just to get all sides of the story.”

Primary care physician Kaleb Robins worries about the well-being of his former patient and associates.

“This uprising is being led by a man that crushed a sixer in the parking lot before his last physical. I thought he was a nihilist–I didn’t realize he was actually health-illiterate,” Robins lamented between patients. “I started my career in the latter days of MK-ULTRA. We did some shady stuff, but we never messed with beer. And I’m pretty sure the documentary Matt keeps referencing was a bit from a comedy podcast, but I won’t send him to AA yet. If I do, he’ll storm another stage in six months to abolish the 21st Amendment. Matt does not understand moderation.”

At press time, the group issued tweets declaring that craft beer has psychoactive properties placed there by the FDA, CDC, and NSA to keep microbrewing and macrobrewing enthusiasts divided.

How Dare You Accuse Me, a Straight Man Who Paints His Nails, of Misogyny

Posted on December 28, 2021 by Jus Kaplan

Hey girl. Hey! I almost didn’t see you over the reflection from my nails, which are painted midnight black, as you can see. I could hear your very shrill voice though, calling out to me. What? You really think I’m a misogynist? Is it because of the super funny joke about Roe V. Wade I told my boys at the bar? Either way, I’m here to let you know that is impossible. Did you not notice my fingernails?

Maybe your female brain couldn’t make the connection, but my nails are painted. With fingernail polish. Like chicks do. I’m clearly in touch with my feminine side so I know a thing or two about how females think.

What’s with all the hostility? Not to gaslight you, but you came up to me and started this conversation. Also, you said you’d buy me a drink. I’m thinking whisk- ahh, haha. You almost got me. I’m a chick’s kind of guy, as you may recall from my nails. I’ll have a vodka cran.

Seriously shut up, I fucking love women. Especially pretty ones. Because I’m straight, remember? Don’t forget that.

Damn you’re such a wet blanket. I might have even invited you back to my place to listen to Lil Peep and chill. I would have paid for your Uber home too. Guys without painted nails wouldn’t do that, ya know.

Okay well it seems like you’re pretty mad at me for whatever reason so I’m gonna bail. Is it your time of the month or something? I know that can make women irrational. You saw my nails, right?

Oh, so now you’re just gonna ignore me? Whatever, screw you then. I never even wanted to talk to you or your lame-ass friends. I’ve got like 5 Hinge matches who are way hotter than you waiting for my “u up” text tonight. And unlike you, they appreciate sensitive, manicured men like me.

Our Favorite Albums of 2021 to Listen to on the Bus to Avoid Talking to This Guy Who Really Wants to Talk To Us

Posted on December 28, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on all that’s happened in the last 12 months, be that to reminisce on bad memories we’d sooner forget, or to remember the good times that make us grateful to be alive for just a little bit longer. For many people, listing the best new music that came out this year is a great way to recall the ebb and flow of time, and for us, listening to our favorite albums of 2021 is a great way to avoid making eye contact with this guy on the bus who’s definitely trying to get our attention.

Here’s our favorite albums of 2021 that are not only great to listen to but are also pulling more than their share of weight in getting us out of hearing what his dude thinks about climate change.

The Stimulators, ‘Loud Fast Rules’
The first album to make our list is literally the first thing we could find after we put my headphones in to signal to this idiot that talking is off-limits. We’re sure this album is great, but we honestly have no idea. Either way, it’s definitely our favorite thing ever to happen right at this second as this guy is definitely looking at a rash or something on his arm and sort of coyly looking over here but in an inviting way. Not only do we not want to be anywhere near anyone’s rash, we also don’t wanna be on the hook for giving a total stranger faulty medical advice — it could be serious and we just can’t have something like that hanging over our head. No thanks.
Sunami/Gulch split
OK, this one is a little faster which is exactly what we wish this fucking bus would start doing ASAP. We’re pretty sure rash dude can hear the music coming from our headphones and is fake-headbanging and we just want to go home. We got a single strand of hair wrapped around our toe before we got our socks on and we weighed taking our shoes and socks off and handling it all day and we don’t know why we didn’t but we just really need to take care of this now.
Quicksand, ‘Quicksand’
We’re not sure if the bus is some sort of wormhole portal where hints aren’t taken the same way they are in the regular universe, but this guy is incredibly persistent and has now moved to the seat directly across from us. Which brings us to our third pick. Is this album actually from 1990 and so isn’t really a new release in 2021? Yes, but 1990 is exactly how far back in time we wish we could go so maybe we could have made some slightly different choice, resulting in a butterfly effect-like series of events that would put us on the 6:12 bus instead of this one. Why didn’t we bring a book?
Sleater/Kinney, ‘Path of Wellness’
We truly don’t know how much longer this ride could possibly be. This is more new music than we’ve listened to since we were 16 and still found joy in things. If he thinks staring at us non-stop, only to look slightly off to the side and pretend to look at something the second we catch him is going to work on us, he’s got another thing coming. We should, however, thank him, for if not for this little maneuver we might have missed the business card of an injury lawyer tucked into the window a few seats over, which we may or may not need for reasons our future lawyer probably thinks it best we don’t discuss at this time.
Cannabis Corpse, “Left Hand Pass’
Alright, we’ve just decided to take off our headphones and blast Cannabis Corpse straight from our phone while we stare back at this guy until one of us reaches our stop. We’re not actually high right now, but public transportation always makes us feel like we are anyway, so why not lean in.

Happy new year, may yours be merry and solitary and come without unwanted attention.

39-Year-Old With Middle Part Isn’t Fooling Anyone

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Heather Cook

DODGE CITY, Kan. — Local adult Amelie Hartman was spotted pathetically trying to keep up with the latest trends by parting her hair down the middle similar to her younger counterparts, skeptical sources confirmed.

“With my hair parted down the middle, I totally pass for a twenty-something zoomer, maybe even a teenager, right?” said Hartman while struggling to upload a video of her new hairdo to TikTok. “Nowadays, there’s nothing more lame than being labeled a millennial, and since I was a teenager in the 90s it won’t be hard for me to fit in. Anyone that sees me with my middle part and wide-leg jeans would never guess that I’m actually 60% gray and used to own a Razr flip phone. Now, I’m like the next Greta Thurnberg or whatever, except like, a version of Greta who had a 13” Sony Trinitron with a built-in VCR in 1996.”

Hartman’s co-worker, Carmen Gomez, is not easily tricked by Hartman’s pitiful efforts.

“Amelie isn’t fooling anyone with her sad attempts to pass for Gen-Z,” said Gomez. “The other day, she came into work wearing a bucket hat and a graphic crop top. This is a finance office. We can’t have grown-ass adults showing up here dressed like Billie Eilish. She keeps trying to impress the interns by quoting Megan Thee Stallion and doing TikTok dances, but it’s just making everyone really uncomfortable.”

Dr. Michael Anu, a professor of Psychology at William Paterson University, has seen an increase in this behavior amongst millennials aged 36 to 40.

“In our latest study, we’ve discovered a glaring uptick in the amount of 30-something millennials that say ‘Bing Bong’ without knowing what it even means,” said Anu. “It’s a chemical reaction to the fear of aging and no longer being the ‘it’ generation. Millennials go into denial and start lashing out by wearing crop tops and crying like teenagers at Phoebe Bridgers concerts. Unfortunately, this epidemic will only come to an end when the millennials physically become too exhausted to keep up with this nonsense and just lean in to completely hating everything.”

At press time, when asked what she will do to try and pass for Gen-Z when she turns 40, Hartman ran a finger under her choker and remarked that she has “no idea what you’re talking about.”

Man Buying Gas Station Hard-Boiled Egg Suspected Of Any And All Unsolved Crimes

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Michael Gursky

NEW CASTLE, Del. — An unnamed man was arrested and taken into custody under the suspicion of “potentially having committed any heinous, violent act imaginable” following the purchase of an individually packaged hard-boiled egg at a local Speedway.

“I ain’t seen anybody buy one of them eggs in years, and I feared the son of a bitch who would,” said Speedway attendant Harm Plakavich, still visibly shaken after the event. “I had no choice but to notify the local police, Sheriff’s department, fire department, bomb squad, and ever-growing neighborhood vigilante gangs that we may have one of the sickest bastards of the century on our hands. I know it’s a good source of protein on the go and all, but for God’s sake, it’s still a single egg in a baggie of water, and there’s no way you can open one without spilling the fluid all over yourself. I’m sorry, I… I need to be with my family right now.”

Stern local police chief Stavros Papazaglou, who arrested and took the gas station egg purchaser into custody, expressed a passionate disgust.

“This isn’t a man, this is a vile savage we’re dealing with, and I wouldn’t put anything past this vermin,” he stated. “Any cold case in the county might be his dealing. I got 25 unsolved human trafficking cases I could confidently pin on this slime right now. Hell, we got over 40 pending arson cases his ass is clearly involved in. As far as my eyes can see this motherfucker did every crime ever committed, and will be responsible for any and all future crimes.”

Clinical Psychologist Amanda Wasser, of the FBI Particularly Dangerous Persons Unit, shared her concerns and hopes from an undisclosed location.

“A man who purchases a hard-boiled egg in a wet bag from a gas station would murder an entire family in broad daylight and eat their entrails in front of passerby’s. That I know to be a psychological fact,” she noted. “But he’s captured, and that’s a once-in-a-lifetime terrorist off the streets, and decades worth of unsolved crimes that may come to an end and bring closure to families and not gross out people just trying to buy a damn donut and get to work.”

At press time, a woman who appeared to be strongly considering purchasing sushi from a local 7-Eleven is believed by law enforcement and those around her to be a copycat disgusting person.

Until I Started Listening to PUP, I Had No Idea Canadians Also Thought Stuff Was Bullshit

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Aidan Sears

One of the most powerful things about music is its ability to connect us with distant cultures. It’s amazing how much you can learn about a people by listening to how their musicians express themselves through song. Recently I was introduced to a band called “PUP” (aww) from a strange, cold land known as “Canada.” I was astonished at how much this band taught me about the noble Canadian people, notably that they too think stuff is bullshit and that everything sucks.

I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought believing that shit is terrible and that life generally sucks ass was a cultural phenomenon confined to people from Pennsylvania and certain parts of Ohio. What sort of bullshit could there possibly be in Canada? Healthcare? Hockey? A third thing I can’t think of because I don’t know anything about Canada? But the more I listened to PUP, the more it became clear. Despite the fact that these guys spoke Canadian, I could understand them perfectly. And good news, shit is apparently terrible everywhere!

That’s not all PUP taught me. While commiserating about bullshit and how fucking stupid it all is, Canadians also sometimes partake in drinking beer. My people also drink beer! It got me thinking that maybe, one day, I could have a beer with someone from Canada. Not long ago I would have thought it was a preposterous idea but now I’m committed to making it happen if I ever make the journey to Toronto.

PUP also taught me about Toronto.

I would like to thank PUP for expanding my musical tastes and fixing my cultural myopia. Because if there’s one thing that music can teach us all, it’s that people are pissed off everywhere.

Venue Strikes Gold with Booth that Sells Photos of Audience Members in Mosh Pit

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Peter Woods

TULSA, Okla. — Local venue owner Michelle Kirk reportedly doubled her gross income by installing a new booth that sells photos of audience members actively dancing in the mosh pit, ecstatic customers confirmed.

“I can’t believe how well this thing has done. I sell them for $10 a piece and it’s just some photo paper with The Outback Snakehouse logo on there,” said Kirk while designing a variety of fun borders for the photos. “We are absolutely making bank and I didn’t think we would sell a single photo. Really, we just installed the booth so people would use the north exit that’s right next to the vending machine. Figured some of these kids would want to grab a Three Musketeers before they left, but apparently, they want these goofy photos too. After every band there is a line that bends around the merch table with people wanting to buy another photo.”

“I guess leaving with a framed keepsake is still better than buying a shitty demo tape you’ll never listen to, huh?” added Kirk.

Audience members aren’t the only ones excited about the new booth.

“I absolutely love it. I’d buy every single photo of people going nuts during our band if I could afford it,” said Tammy Combs, drummer for Oklahoma City pornogrind band Cock Distance. “Every single time we play out of town nobody ever shows up, so this is just proof that we had at least 26 paying customers show up. It sucks that I didn’t get any pictures with me in them to post on our Gram, but it’s worth the trade-off.

However, not everyone who has encountered the booth is a fan.

“That booth is absolutely ruining hardcore and it’s ruining this scene,” said local music fan Tina Frazier. “Kids keep showing up to these shows and jumping in the pit with toothbrushes and newspapers and shit so they can get some goofy picture of themselves at the exact right moment. I mean, they were doing that before and it was fine, but now that they are doing it for the photo it’s stupid.”

Kirk has already announced plans to expand on the booth with the help of Shining Star Studios, a local photography business known for their prom photos, to take photos of audience members’ outfits before this weekend’s shows.

Raccoon Can’t Believe Someone Would Throw Away Perfectly Good Trash

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

BEACON, N.Y. — A local raccoon known around the neighborhood simply as “that thing in the yard” could not believe someone would throw away a pile of perfectly good garbage, sources who tried to shoo him away with a broom confirmed.

“Fuckin’ A! Look at all these rare finds in here,” said the raccoon while swimming among the trash as if he was Scrooge McDuck doing laps in a pool of his own money. “I’m talking rotten banana peels, maggot-filled meat chunks, and marinara-stained napkins. Total jackpot! This is like eating at one of those fine dining restaurant dumpsters. Seriously, if these guys had any clue what sort of gems they had on their hands they would’ve never thrown it all away. Really glad I moved to the suburbs when I did. City trash can be absolute garbage sometimes.”

Neighbors were none too pleased to have some varmint rummaging around their personal trash can.

“Not in my backyard he doesn’t,” said Anthony Kremer while discreetly peeking through the blinds to see if the critter was still rifling through his rubbish. “If he wants to eat straight up garbage like some sort of animal then he needs to do it elsewhere. I mean, what if it has rabies? Or even worse, COVID? It could be out there right now spreading a deadly virus to all the innocent squirrels and chipmunks who would never dare disrupt the sanctity of a man’s garbage. Honestly, I’m thinking about calling animal control. I just can’t stand the thought of anything other than me enjoying my hard-earned trash.”

Experts noted that the raccoon is just doing what feels natural.

“These creatures exemplify the ‘one man’s trash is another animal’s treasure’ motto,” said Jane Druin, backyard wildlife expert. “Raccoons are one of the few ‘zero waste’ species on earth. They naturally take a holistic approach to address the problem of unsustainable waste and should probably be commended for their contributions to the community. Instead, they have small rocks hurled at them, BB guns pointed at them, and are sometimes offered a small handful of cat food from an unsupervised child, at best.”

At press time, the raccoon could not believe his luck when he stumbled upon an Olive Garden dumpster that offered seemingly unlimited moldy breadsticks.

Librarians Break Kneecaps of Homeowner who Installed Little Free Library

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

COLLINGSWOOD, N.J. — A local gang of librarians are accused of assaulting homeowner Jessica Wheatley over the installation of a “little free library” on her front lawn.

“I just thought it’d be a nice way to connect with my neighbors and share some of my old books. What I didn’t expect was a gaggle of blue hairs wearing chained bifocals busting up my twee little book depository with a Louisville Slugger,” said Wheatley. “Naturally, I ran out and asked them what the hell they were doing, but that’s when the big lady screamed “you fucked with the wrong civil servants, motherfucker” before they held me down and took turns wailing on my kneecaps with a leatherbound copy of ‘The Brothers Karamazov.’”

Although feigning sympathy, local librarian Adeline Amato was adamant that these accusations are false.

“I don’t know nothin’ about that. As I hear it she had a fall trying to grab a book from the top shelf of a rolling library ladder. All I knows is, people that pay off their late fees and don’t try to horn in on our business ain’t got nothin’ to worry about,” said Amato. “But this idea that us librarians are nothin’ but violent thugs is a hurtful stereotype. You might not like hearin’ this, but neighborhoods need us for protection. Primarily protection from illiteracy. Plus, as a place for homeless people to go number two. Me personally? I don’t wanna hurt nobody. But Evelyn standing menacingly behind me here? She’d love nothing more than to see you sleeping with the microfiches, capisce?

Investigative reporter Kyle Schwyberg claimed to have recently infiltrated “La Libra Nostra,” aka the “Librarian Mafia.”

“For over three years I had gone undercover as a 67-year-old retired teaching assistant volunteering to help this so-called ‘Librarian Mafia’ digitize their periodicals. What I found was shocking,” said Schwyberg. “Apparently, their illicit operation is funded by a street tax that they collect under threat of fine or jail time. And they’re not even the only gang in time. There’s the sanitation worker mob, the firefighter mob, and who could forget those cruel sons of bitches in the public school teacher syndicate.”

Sadly, Schwyberg has gone missing since this interview, however, detectives may have found one of the reporter’s fingers within the local library’s Dewey decimal system, filed under “R” for “rat.”

Nice FJällräven Backpack, Name Three Fjords You’ve Traversed

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Hey friend. I couldn’t help but notice that sweet, cherry red Fjällräven backpack you’re wearing. Nice to meet a fellow lover of the outdoors! I assume you’re on your way to train for this year’s dog sledding polar excursion. Oh, you’re not? Of course, you seem like more of a “trek to Abisko” kinda woman. Wait, what do you mean you just use your bag for books?

You must have been on one multi-Scandinavian excursion in your lifetime, right? Listen, if you’re going to wear that bag around with any integrity I’m going to need you to name three fjords you’ve traversed right now.

I’ll even give you partial credit if you can name just one majestic fjord. And don’t say the Sognefjord. That’s like the Beatles of elongated seas.

I can’t believe you’re just traipsing around campus without the slightest bit of reverence for what’s slung over your shoulder. Do you have any idea what it’s like to swim through bracing Nordic glacier water with nothing but your wits and a pair of $500 waterproof pants? I bet you don’t even wax your backpack.

One time my dad’s helicopter flew me into the Narvikfjellet ski resort, which is above the arctic circle, but my room wasn’t ready. I had to survive for two hours on nothing but my triple-down expedition jacket and a bag full of elk jerky. We may have the same Fjällräven backpack but we are not the same.

Listen, it’s fine that you got your little entry-level backpack because you liked the logo, but you have to understand that these are for people who take the outdoors seriously. You’re treading pretty close to stealing hiker valor.

Tell you what, once you’ve hiked 30 miles to the edge of a cliff overlooking Norway’s impeccable landscapes, then you’ll have earned the right to don mid-luxury travelware you clearly picked up at the mall on a whim. Sorry, what? Oh yeah, well of course I know Fjällräven is actually from Sweden. I just prefer Norwegian fjords.

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