Man Thankful That Customers Trampling Him to Get 74″ Samsung TV All Wearing Masks

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GRESHAM, Ore. — Local bargain hunter Terry Hodges was relieved to discover that the writhing, chaotic mass of humanity trampling him in order to procure a premium HDTV this morning were all masked, the man confirmed while struggling for air.

“You know, it’s just nice to see people being responsible now that COVID numbers are starting to climb again,” said Hodges while his spine was being rearranged under the weight of the mob. “It’s tough to maintain social distance in crowds like this. It gave me some peace of mind to see that everyone threatening the store employees were wearing facial coverings. Now I just need to wait for the rush of people to stop so I can try to secure a surround sound setup and try to get help for my badly broken legs.”

Best Buy manager Pam Farmer was one of the few people to try to save Hodges, but ultimately had to back off.

“As soon as we opened the doors I saw him and a few dozen other people run up to our hand sanitizing station, and after he got a squirt of Purell he, unfortunately, tripped over a decorative mini Christmas tree and the crowd overwhelmed the front lobby of the store. He was lost after that point,” said Farmer while loading a shotgun in order to fire warning shots in the air. “I heard him screaming about online reservations, and a digital voucher while he was being trampled, but that stopped relatively quickly. I expect him to be full smashed into the carpet by the time the frenzy dies down.”

A spokesperson for Amazon believes the best way to stay safe from the virus is to avoid Black Friday sales and focus on Cyber Monday deals.

“Look, when you’re shopping at home the only thing you have to worry about is what you’re going to buy with all the money you save shopping,” said Amazon Director Edith W. Cooper. “Brick and mortar retailers are trying to get you killed. That mom and pop store in your cute little downtown area wants to give you COVID and they want to see you crushed by your neighbors while you fight over the last Harry Potter Lego playset because it’s free advertising for them. At Amazon; we care. Just tell Alexa what you need and never leave home again.”

At press time, EMTs were desperately trying to revive Hodges so store employees could enroll his battered carcass in the Best Buy rewards program.

Norwegian Metal Band Thoroughly Disappointed By First Black Friday Experience

Posted on by Matt McInerney

TAMPA, Fla. — Norwegian black metal band Emyn Arnen were seen wandering into a JCPenney store after spotting a prominent Black Friday sign in the parking lot, sources covering their first U.S. tour reported.

“We often celebrate the black end of weekdays in my homeland, a day to celebrate the suffering of black metallers that blazed the detritus before us,” said Guul, the band’s towering stoic frontman. “As we strayed deeper into the cacophonous stockpile of materialist insatiability, it became evident that this edifice shared no convictions with us. It was unmistakable that Emyn Arnen must make this abomination suffer.”

“15% off isn’t even that much on a small item, and then they have your electronic mail information forever. It’s a contract built on lies,” he added.

Shoppers watched a store employee sprint towards the band, as the four sleeveless men attempted to set fire to a pair of affordable pajamas with a single Zippo lighter.

“I rushed over and shouted in an attempt to stop them. I reassured them that there was no need to ‘seek revenge upon capitalist desecrations’ but they just kept ignoring me and calling me ‘’sheep scum,’” said shift leader Ron Ruiz. “Thankfully, most of the material in here is from the 70’s so it’s pretty flame-resistant and they didn’t make much progress. They finally left in a huff when they saw that the Christmas village display over by returns contained zero burning effigies of some old shoemaker or whatever the hell they were talking about. I hate this fucking job.”

The band’s spirits were temporarily lifted, however, after running into a salesperson working between the Estee Lauder and MAC counters.

“Black Friday is an overwhelming time for pretty much everyone, so I do my best to address a person’s needs and get them out the door as quickly as possible,” said amateur makeup artist and professional makeup salesperson, Dionne Haigh. “This tall, dark-haired woman was stomping around and angry about her eyeliner, I’m guessing, so I was able to point her toward our smudge-proof line, which we’ve got a great deal on all weekend. Plus, I helped color-match the foundation. Whatever she had on before was about 35 shades too light, so her cheekbones really pop now.”

At press time, the band was seen Google searching “sword +lord of rings merch near me” which they figured they might as well look for “while we’re already out anyway.”

12 Thanksgiving Traditions You’ve Never Heard Of

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Thanksgiving is the best time of year for gathering friends and family and appreciating all the year has given you! And while we all know about football and the kids’ table, there’s a lot of traditions out there you’ve never heard of. Read on:

Read the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Planning Committee Meeting Minutes

For a lot of families, it’s not really Thanksgiving until you break out the minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and read it out loud in front of the fire! Available by writing to NBC at PO Box 1837, New York, New York 10001 with a self-addressed, stamped envelope and mail order for $19.99.

Breaking Ted’s Wishbone

At the end of a delicious turkey meal, what’s more festive and homey than pinning Ted down and hammering his wishbone until you hear it snap? Quick, make a wish!

Toast the Turkey’s Death

As we cherish the living, we must honor the dead. This turkey fought bravely, and is now in Bird Valhalla, where it will peck at grain and children forevermore. To the turkey!

Play the Weird Games the Person You’ve Been Dating for Five Weeks’s Family Made Up 

So, it’s basically Monopoly, but instead of money, we use nuts. A five is a peanut, a ten is an almond, we don’t use the twenties, and the hundred is an unshelled walnut. And you’re not allowed to buy hotels until everyone has one, and you have to shout “Gobble!” when someone crosses Park Place. It’s simple, babe.

Get Fucking Tanked

Oh, you already know about this one.

Eating

Although it probably seems pretty weird, it’s a tradition in some parts of the US (and Canada) to eat a meal during Thanksgiving. Wacky!

Decorate Your Attic with Paper Flowers While Thinking of Food

Aren’t the flowers beautiful? Lie down, you need to keep your strength. Grandmother won’t forget about feeding us this day, I just know it.

Giving Thanks for Captain Beefheart

Remember, the true meaning of Thanksgiving is to appreciate all that Don Van Vliet, AKA, Captain Beefheart brought us. Trout masks for everyone!

The Gronch

Many families watch the non-copyright infringing holiday special, “The Method By Which The Gronch Illegally Took Thanksgiving from Its Rightful Celebrants,” every year. Ooh, the Gronch is right behind you, Maggie-Lee Whom!

Inspect the Harvested Grain for Argot

It may seem odd to you, but Goodman Pritchard has instructed us to every year inspect the rye for argot, lest we have the… unpleasantness…of accusations of witchcraft once more.

Require the Least-Liked Family Member to Give Blessings

That’s right, dork. Say grace! Bless us all! Idiot!

Savor the Blessed Moments of Peace When Those Garbage People Finally Leave

Oh thank god. It seemed like Thanksgiving would last forever. Jesus, what did Uncle Gary do in the bathroom?!

We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, “giving thanks.” This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is called Thanksgiving and it could not be less aptly named. Who the hell feels appreciative while eating dry bird with their asshole relatives? I say we make Christmas the official holiday for faking appreciation. At least then we’ll have stuff like presents and eggnog to help lubricate this assfucking the world has disguised as togetherness.

You know what I’m thankful for come Christmas time? Jesus’ unconditional love. Just kidding. The answer is obviously presents. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to say “I cherish you” to a group of people you wish would perish if you had just opened up as PS5? This works outside of holidays too, by the way. Whether I’m on dates, interacting with colleagues, or volunteering at a shelter, I’m much better at faking basic human decency when I have something to gain.

Christmas is simply a better holiday for giving thanks. Thanksgiving’s roots are enmeshed in tragedy and injustice. Not Christmas. In fact, in ancient Rome people originally celebrated on December 25th to honor “the unconquered sun.” Well, we’ve come a long way since then (still haven’t conquered that damn sun, though) and I think adding the tradition of faking love will take this little upstart holiday to the next level.

So this Thanksgiving, when you’re staring around the dinner table at people who look like you but could never understand you, struggling with all your might to come up with something to be thankful for, just close your eyes and pretend it’s Christmas. Pretend you just downed another eggnog after opening up the perfect gift. Then, open your eyes. You only get one family and here you all are under a roof, eating food together despite the disturbingly large number of things that could have happened to prevent that. Now look around at your family again and think how much easier it would be to pretend to love them if you had just opened up a PS5.

Unvaccinated, Immunocompromised, Septuagenarian Grandparents Can’t Believe You’re Using Same Excuse as Last Year to Avoid Coming to Thanksgiving

Posted on by James Knapp

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — News that you will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner this year over ongoing concerns surrounding the coronavirus pandemic caused your elderly grandparents to determine you no longer love them, reported sources who refuse to take any accountability or preventive measures to safeguard their own health.

“My word, I can’t believe what an ungrateful little grandchild I have. You know how much your grandfather and I have been looking forward to seeing you and now you say you’re not coming. What exactly are we supposed to think?” nagged your grandmother while your grandfather slowly rearranged crescent wrenches on his tool bench in the garage. “And don’t try to turn this around and say it’s because you’re worried about us catching that little sniffle that’s been going around. If you really cared then you’d comment on those articles I keep sending you on the Facebook about how those vaccines got microchips in them.”

You explained your position on the matter while exasperatedly reading Vox articles.

“Look, my family is a bit nuts. But that doesn’t mean I want them to slowly suffocate to death because they think their immune systems are ‘God’s facemask’ – seriously, they actually said that,” you remarked. “I never liked Thanksgiving, but I want to see them again. Trying to walk them through Zoom calls has aged me at least ten years. I mean, they were actually alive when the polio vaccine was developed. How do they not get this?”

Family physician Dr. Geraldine Daumbauer explained recent medical history as it relates to family gatherings.

“This is a trend I’ve noticed a lot recently among the, let’s say, more aged patients I see. Obviously per doctor-patient confidentiality I can’t divulge any medical records, but I can tell you that people calling me a ‘fascist death monger’ have gone absolutely through the roof,” explained Daumbauer. “This denialism is almost as bad as the pandemic itself. Due to sheer volume I’ve had to outsource all of my horse dewormer toxicity cases to a local veterinarian. Boy, I do not envy him right now.”

At press time, your grandmother had left you seventeen voicemails to let you know everything Tucker Carlson said yesterday.

5 Authentic Thanksgiving Recipes all Made From the Weakest Member of Your Family

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s been said that hunger is the greatest spice, and while that may be true, we believe that authenticity is at least a close second. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and while boring “staples” like Stove Top stuffing, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce have become the norm, there’s no need to settle for mediocrity. Especially if someone in your family is pretty much just taking up space.

This year why not give your family an authentic, historically accurate culinary experience, while at the same time cutting down on the number of mouths you have to feed. Winter is coming, and your family must be strong if it is to survive. Here are 5 mouth-watering old-time Thanksgiving recipes made from who’s ever turn it is to be culled from the herd.

Candied Grams
Eating regular ole’ human flesh can be a bit traumatizing, and if we’re being honest, tastes a little plain. Why not cover up some of that grizzlyness and add some delightful sweetness by melting marshmallows on top of it in a casserole dish?!

And don’t let the name fool you! While the weakest member of your clan is statistically most likely to be your grandmother, this recipe works just as well with grandfathers, dads who have been in an accident, or even sickly children!

Long-Pig Sausage and Walnut Stuffing
We all know that when killing a family member for sustenance, sausage is the way to go. It utilizes the most parts and can be stored in the freezer in neat piles. But did you know you can turn your kin’s sacrifice into one of the most scrumptious side dishes you’ve ever had?

Just add it to store-bought stuffing mix with some ground walnut, onions, and celery, and voila! A stuffing so delicious and savory you’ll almost forget it contains someone you once loved but now must forget all about.

Mashed Butt-tatoes
Okay, you got me, this one I made up myself, but hear me out — it rules.

I had ordered some BBQ takeout a few months back and the driver must have gone off roading or something because my food was in complete disarray. Luckily it turned out to be a happy accident, because that’s when I discovered that pulled pork and mashed potatoes go AMAZING together. And then I thought “Hey, I should do this with the ass-meat of whatever relative I kill for Turkey day!”

Human Skull Centerpiece
It’s not just about what parts of your loved one you can eat. When taking a human life, you want to use the whole buffalo. The skull makes an excellent addition to a decorative cornucopia, or can function as a centerpiece all on it’s own! In a way, it’s like that person is still there with you, watching you enjoy them!

Green beans, but With Human Flesh
Look you get this by now right? Cook food with people in it. Survive!

Uncle Takes Existence of Tofurky Personally

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Twice divorced Uncle Mike Dilmer became outraged beyond comprehension due to the mere existence of Tofurky at his extended family’s Thanksgiving celebration, according to sources within his sister’s home.

“TO-FUCKIN’-FURKEY? It’s like you are trying to make me angry. If everyone here is trying to get me to punch a hole in the fuckin’ drywall then WELL DONE,” screamed a livid and deeply hurt Dilmer at no one in particular. “This is my first family gathering since Donna left and one of you draft-dodging, hippy college kids had the audacity to bring fake meat to the most American celebration there is? America was built on the bones of dead turkeys! I should flip the damn kids’ table over. I’m goin’ to outside to burn a nail if you need me, which you don’t.”

Dilmer’s niece and long-time vegan Rachel Sears was responsible for preparing the Tofurky, but made no mention of its existence to her uncle.

“I think he was digging through the recycling because my dad threw away some old scratch-off tickets and he saw the Tofurky box,” said Sears, happily enjoying her mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy. “He’s always looking for something to get mad about. No one was making him eat Tofurky, we only brought enough for me and my partner Ezra anyways. Us not eating the turkey meant he could have more leftovers to take home, but I don’t think that was on his mind. It’s less about the Tofurky and more about Donna, I think.”

This kind of personal grievance over fake meat during the holidays is becoming more and more common according to family therapists.

“Uncles hate fake meat, it’s just hard-wired into them. On Thanksgiving uncles want to drink beer and eat dry, sleep-inducing turkey meat so they can fall asleep mid-rant about how football players need to stand for the ‘Pledge of Allegiance,’” said Annie Baskins, LMFT. “Nieces and nephews are eating less meat and drinking less alcohol and it’s stirred up a very personal, deep anger in their uncles who desperately need to talk to someone about their mental health.”

At press time, Dilmer was seen trying to light a neighborhood pro-Native American Thanksgiving display on fire with his cigarette.

Newly Freed Britney Messages Facebook Friends Asking if They Ever Considered Being Their Own Boss

Posted on by Contributor

LOS ANGELES — Pop star Britney Spears is taking full advantage of her new freedoms following the ending of her 13-year conservatorship by taking to Facebook and recruiting friends to sell energy drinks online, confirmed multiple confused acquaintances of Spears.

“This is just such an exciting opportunity y’all,” said Spears from her backyard. “For years I was stuck and had no idea what I could do. That’s when I discovered E-Power Energy. I know what you’re thinking; ‘Britney, there are already so many energy drinks and they all taste like butt.’ Well, E-Power has four amazing flavors like ‘Lazer Lemon’ and ‘Power Peach’ and it’s the first drink that is designed to help get rid of stubborn belly fat. Also, it’s low-calorie, and has all-natural ingredients. All you need to get started is $100 and a little bit of elbow grease and you could be on your way to financial independence like the boss you are!”

Crystal DeSouza, a background dancer on “The Onyx Hotel Tour” in 2004, admitted she was initially excited that Spears tried to reconnect.

“It was such a treat working for Britney and I’ve followed her ups and downs closely,” said DeSouza. “I wanted to tell her how much she means to me and that I’m here to talk if she ever needs it, but she just kept pushing me to buy a ‘starter kit’ for some drink that was banned in the European Union because it made a bunch of lab rats go blind. She ended up blocking me when I sent her a New York Times article about how the E-Power Energy founder is a con man. I hope she can get out of this mess as well.”

Social media analyst Oliver Ristcomb believes that Spears will eventually give up on the endeavor on her own.

“Britney was under harsh social media restrictions for a long time. She’s finally free to do what other single mothers her age do online,” said Ristcomb. “And I’m afraid things will get worse before they get any better. It might be best to just mute Britney online if you notice she starts communicating with ‘Yoga moms’ about their vaccine opinions. I’m happy that she’s finally free, but someone needs to help her navigate the awful internet landscape.”

Supporters of Spears grew even more concerned after seeing her respond positively to an Instagram comment about converting her cash to crypto.

Friend Who Never Left Hometown Honestly Looks Like He’s Doing Pretty Well for Himself

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

WEST HAVEN, Conn. — Local man Nick Gransby is doing surprisingly well for himself with a loving family and fulfilling career, despite having never left his hometown, confirmed multiple insecure sources looking for reasons to hate him.

“I’m just a simple guy. When I was a young man I realized I had everything I needed right here in West Haven,” said Gransby. “I didn’t need to live in some rundown apartment in New York for a few years or try to ‘make it’ in LA. I met the love of my life when I was 16 and we settled down two blocks from the house where I grew up. The local bar even knows my order on boy’s night when we all roll up together to shoot some pool and talk about the next school board meeting. Honestly, this is heaven to me.”

Despite Gransby’s satisfaction, former classmate Jared Khali doesn’t agree with his lifestyle, and feels sorry for Gransby for all of the finer things in life he’s missing out on.

“He has no idea what he was missing,” said Khali, a 38-year-old out-of-work screenwriter with six roommates. “Just last week I was doing key-bumps in a bathroom stall with the bassist from WhoreShitter until like 2 in the morning. These are the wild times Nick is missing. The dude probably has to do yard work all the time, and everyone at the Home Depot knows him by name. I’m so tempted to invite him to the huge party I’m throwing to trash my apartment before we get evicted, but the stiff will probably make up some excuse about his having to go to his daughter’s dance recital. Kind of pathetic.”

Sociologist Tracy Hullinger weighs in on the pros and cons of a person staying close to their roots.

“People like Nick are a rare breed in the sense that they don’t feel like they’re missing out on anything,” she said. “All guys like him need is their family, the classic rock station, some good beer, and a household project to work on. Guys like Jared will wait in line for three hours to get an Instagram photo of an ice cream cone for whoever they’re dating that week. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either way of life, but the ones who are the loudest seem pretty hellbent on never owning property.”

At press time, Gransby was seen happily mowing his lawn wearing a Nirvana shirt from Target, while Khali was in the middle of a heated house meeting over who ate his last hotdog.

Five Office Holiday Party Ideas That Don’t Hold a Candle To Letting Your Employees Just Go the Fuck Home

Posted on by Zach Raffio

Tis’ the season! The season for structured corporate fun, that is. Do you have to plan an office holiday shindig but you’re sick of the same ol’ wine, cheese, and Mariah Carey hullabaloo? We’ve got you covered. Here are five fun, inventive office holiday party ideas that don’t even hold a candle to just letting your employees go the fuck home instead.

Costume party!
Who says the holidays can’t get a little silly? See who can bust out the best holiday garb with a lighthearted costume shindig. Ya know, even though the actual outfit your employees want to put on is a pair of sweatpants and that really soft Paramore shirt from 2009 as they sit on their couch. Far, far away from you.

Murder mystery!
A holiday-themed murder with a killer on the loose! This holiday party will provide your employees with a thought-provoking celebration that will undoubtedly have them planning your actual murder. I mean, could a life sentence really be worse than having to spend extra time with Dylan aka “the Dyll Man” from operations?

Dancing!
Let’s leave the office and bring your staff out for a rowdy night of drinks and dancing. There’s nothing people love more than not getting to choose the music they listen to while standing in a crowded, loud room after eight hours of selling their time to your company for pennies on the hour.

Ice Skating!
Instead of using the holiday season to spend extra time with their loved ones, give your employees the chance to sprain their ankle! Life is short. Let’s waste it on an event nobody actually wants to attend.

A Quaint, Sit-down Dinner!
Let’s strip away the fanfare and bring the gang together for a sensible, relaxing meal. Good wine, nice conversation, and low pressure. Nothing flashy. It’ll be nice to see each other outside the confines of the- holy fuck this is horrible. I can’t even pretend. Just fucking let us go home! Why would anyone want this? I hate you.! And I especially hate you, Dyll Man. Fuck yourself with a candy cane.

See you Monday!