You probably thought that starting your own YouTube show dedicated to your favorite nerdom would be fun, but by now the curse has surely taken hold. You’ve probably realized you’re no longer capable of so much as ordering a cup of coffee without sounding like you’re hosting “The Toys That Made Us” or some bullshit.
It is as if there is a portrait of you somewhere that grows to hate how obnoxious you sound, while the rest of you keeps repeating “like and subscribe” with a shit-eating grin on your face. If left unchecked your condition will only get worse. One day you’ll try to give a struggling friend sincere advice but all that will come out is a chronological kill count to the Child’s Play franchise.
Eventually, your condition will escalate to the point where you won’t be able to say “I love you” to your partner without sounding like you’re reading copy for a mattress commercial, but there is hope.
Sing Whatever You Want To Say
An old speech therapy trick. The act of singing uses a different part of the brain than talking, so maybe it can bypass the part of yourself that sounds like a complete tool.
Take A Look At Your Views
Are the majority of them just you re-watching your own video? Right, so, maybe tone it down.
Look In The Mirror
Is that Casey Kasem looking back at you? Or that guy who hosted The Love Connection? No? Then why the fuck are you talking like that?! Stop talking like that.
Try A Honey Lemon Tea, But Put A Bunch Of Sand In It
It’s truly amazing how soothing tea with honey and lemon can be on the throat, but it’s no match for a bunch of sand. Try telling me everything wrong with Rogue One: A Star Wars Story now asshole.
Just Don’t Talk Anymore
Just shut the fuck up dude. Who the fuck cares? Just shut up.
SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Dominick Campbell exited a port-o-potty he described as a “crime scene level disaster” and gave a wild-eyed expression to the next poor soul in line, confirmed multiple witnesses reconsidering their bathroom options.
“I served four years as an army medic overseas so I thought I had seen it all, but that blue booth of doom rocked me to my core,” said Campbell, while laying down next to the medical tent in hopes of recovering from what he saw. “I tried to warn the next woman in line, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I tried my best to communicate to her that peeing her pants was a safer and more hygienic option, but I couldn’t stick around any longer. I hope she made the right decision.”
Stephanie Clark, 23, a film major at UC Berkeley who attended the concert with her boyfriend, was the recipient of the ill-fated look.
“It was terrifying,” said Clark. “My boyfriend and I were standing in line and this guy comes out of the port-a-potty and it looked like he had seen a ghost, but like if the ghost was covered in shit and had no toilet paper. Something went down in there, something unnatural. I’m not sure if we’ll ever know because I was too scared to go in. When I close my eyes at night I still see the look that man gave me. It haunts my dreams, I just hope he’s ok.”
Leland Lawson, a groundskeeper at Golden Gate Park working the event, felt obligated to step into action after multiple reports of the port-o-potty traumatizing guests.
“There is often a culture of silence that surrounds public bathrooms at festivals,” said Lawson, raking up leaves and beer cans. “Most people exit the shitter and just look at the ground, too ashamed to look at another human. But even this was too much for the crowd. I took one look inside and knew I was up against something truly evil. I put some police tape around the toilet, said a silent prayer, and I plan on lighting it all on fire tonight and sending it back to hell.”
At press time, Campbell was seen hiding under his bed after noticing a port-a-potty left at a construction site across the street from his house.
With Thanksgiving later this week, many of us will be spending time with family members we don’t see very often. Avoid these 12 conversation topics to make sure you have an enjoyable Holiday weekend.
Vaccination Status
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, most adults will either be vaccinated or dead. If someone at your dinner table is neither, they are living on borrowed time. So best not to ask unless you’re prepared for tearful goodbyes before pumpkin pie.
The Ending of Squid Game
It turns out there’s nothing really that controversial about a show full of murderous murdering murderers murdering at will unless it ends with someone who wasn’t murdered vowing to stop the murderers from murdering more murder victims. The ending has been divisive because fans who love murder wanted more murdering. Anyway, this is a topic to avoid because trying to prevent innocent people from being murdered really isn’t in the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Your Dad’s Other Family That You Only Recently Learned Exists
They probably won’t be at your house, and it’s rude to talk about other people behind their backs. Besides, if your dad isn’t spending Thanksgiving with them, he loves you more. Don’t be so insecure.
The Creature in Midnight Mass
This supernatural being drinks human blood, avoids sunlight, and flies around with giant fucking bat wings, but fans of Mike Flanagan’s latest seem to be caught up in a debate about whether this killing machine is an angel or a vampire. That’s dumb because no one in the show ever actually says “vampire,” so by process of elimination he’s an angel. If you still need to talk about this, maybe try sitting at the kid’s table.
Whatever Happened To That Hitchhiker Your Mom Hit With The Family Car
Nothing can dampen the holiday mood like bringing up family trauma that everyone tries so hard to suppress with their various maladaptive coping mechanisms. Besides, criminal homicide has no statute of limitations and you don’t want to get charged as an accessory. Try asking Grandma how she gets her mashed potatoes so light and fluffy instead.
Rush Limbaugh
While Thanksgiving is certainly a time to reflect on the year’s events and think about what you should really be thankful for, some topics have been known to make people nauseous which can spoil an otherwise appetizing meal.
Who Would Play Jamie Spears If He Was a Character in Handmaid’s Tale
Who would actually want the role of one of the worst people on a show already full of really awful characters? Hypotheticals this extreme make for boring conversation. But if someone insists on talking about it, Mel Gibson could probably pull it off quite well.
Why Your Grandma Won’t Let Anyone Try One Of Those DNA Tests For Ethnicity And Genealogy
This topic will either result in feeling shame when your grandma inevitably says something racist, or start a really awkward exchange about how serial killers can get caught if their family members submit their own DNA for these things. Probably better to just let her ramble about your family being from whatever country she’s into lately despite the lack of evidence.
Ted Lasso
Seeing as how this conversation always inevitably leads to someone saying “what’s Apple TV?” and then asking for your login (which you’ve already stolen from your ex) it’s best to just keep your mouth shut here.
How You Want To Be Cremated Instead of Buried
This always starts fights because it invites relatives to make blockheaded jokes about how finishing a fifth of scotch before dinner means you might have a drinking problem. Expect inane little one-liners like, “I’m sure your body won’t have any problems igniting,” or “if you decide to get buried you probably won’t need to be embalmed.” And word to the wise, retorts like “I only need to drink this way around you” can result in treatment center referrals.
Your Band
Your family has never come out to see you play, and they’re never going to. So just drop it, and bring it up in therapy if you really need to.
Cocaine
Total faux pas to mention it unless you brought enough for everyone. On the other hand, holding that much blow makes you look like a showoff, and your family will assume that you’re bringing more at Christmas. Don’t set yourself up for disappointing them again.
SEATTLE — Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog, sources close to the bitter couple confirmed.
“They’re always pulling this shit,” said West after blowing off steam by stabbing a pillow with a pair of scissors. “It started with little things when we all lived in the same apartment building. We would tell everyone in the building we were having a Christmas party, then those pricks would also throw a Christmas party around the same time. They acted like it was no big deal too. Things got even worse when they got engaged. I volunteered to do some of my mime work at their reception and they had the nerve to say no. Now they think they are lords of the internet because they rescued some stupid dog that was about to be euthanized.”
In a concerted effort to clear things up, Will and Cassandra Roberts claimed their dog adoption was in no way influenced by Stein and West’s engagement.
“They just kind of… blow things out of proportion,” said Roberts as he tossed a tennis ball to his new dog Eddy. “Before COVID Cassandra and I took an Uber home from a friend’s birthday party because it was getting late, and Hannah told everybody that we left them for dead in the city without a ride. We didn’t even know they were at the party.”
Social Media Expert Gerard Tisdale weighed in on why some people have more successful posts on the platform of their choosing.
“Honestly, it’s a one-to-one ratio on how liked you are in real life. Daryl and Hannah seem like they will hold an intense grudge over any perceived slight,” said Tisdale. “Imagine one of them loaning you a quarter for the parking meter, and then bringing it up six months later that you never paid them back. It gets old quickly, and people start to tune it out. Conversely, the Roberts couple seem to live in the moment, and often volunteer to feed their friend’s cats when they go out of town for a few days. It’s no surprise who is more popular.”
At press time, the bitter couple was paying to boost a picture from date night to their followers, while Eddy the dog went viral on Tik Tok for rescuing a drowning child at the park.
BOSTON — Local landlord Viktor Lind used his precious time and resources to add a fresh coat of paint to a dead mouse in the closet of his two-bedroom rental unit on Linden Street in Allston, confirmed new tenants who are also wondering if the heater works.
“Look, landlords are under attack right now. I’m barely making ends meet and government fat cats are making it so tenants are more entitled than ever before,” said Lind, while double-checking that all the windows in the apartment are unable to open. “I get calls day and night from these leeches demanding I ‘fix the broken lock on their front door, replace this gas leak in the stove, or ensure there’s running water’–I don’t run a freaking Club Med! ”
Duante Suarez says Lind promised to make small fixes to the unit before the move-in day, none of which happened.
“After I signed the lease I was told the apartment would be professionally cleaned and repainted. It looks like someone strapped a paint roller to a dog and had him run around the apartment. He was nice enough to paint over every outlet and a few dead rodents,” said Suarez, setting up a bed bug trap next to his freshly-unpacked headboard. “The landlord didn’t reply to any of my calls or messages until I texted him I was going to call the Board of Health today for a safety inspection. Five minutes later he was outside the building with 10 cans of spray paint and a dingy mop, cursing under his breath.”
A local exterminator Gerald Howe says he used to frequent the building added that he hasn’t been contacted since Lind bought the property last year.
“My company used to bait and bomb that place almost monthly–the walls are filled with more skeletons than that elephant graveyard in ‘The Lion King,’” said Howe, shivering. “But one day that cheap-ass landlord told us our prices were too high and he could handle it all himself, and that’s the last we heard from him. I did see him recently in the checkout line at Home Depot buying a five-gallon bucket of rat poison that was about to be recalled by the government.”
At press time, Lind was quietly updating the lease agreements for his apartments to say that all rodents found within units would be subject to a $25 per month pet fee.
Hey there, new meat. First mosh pit? No? Well that’s not what it looks like to me, a mosh pit veteran. What kind of technique is that? You look like you want to jump in on some double dutch but you’re too scared. Damn, I know so much more about moshing than you. And thanks to all the head trauma I’ve endured, I’m fairly certain I’ve forgotten more about moshing than you’ll ever learn.
I’ve been going to shows as far back as I can remember, which at this point is about two hours. My life is like the movie “Memento” but with less helpful tattoos. I’ve learned everything there is to know about moshing, except for the things that have seemed to fall out of my head for some reason. Maybe you should spend some time at this show looking around the floor of the pit for some of that knowledge I dropped. And while you’re down there could you help me find my glasses? I need to find them so I can smash them on your poser face.
What pits do you know? I know all the pits. Push pits, circle pits, punch pits, Sarlacc pits. You name the pit and I can tell you the exact moment I got concussed in it. Not from memory. I have all my hospital bracelets at home next to my show fliers and ticket stubs.
Your entire show etiquette is horrible! You’re crowd surfing with your shoes on? That’s how people like me get kicked in the head, causing us to forget that we’re not supposed to wear shoes while crowd surfing, leading us to kick more people in the head, continuing the cycle. Ignorance is an epidemic and you’re patient zero. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go all Chris Benoit on this pit.
NEW YORK — Local punk Than Luethke reports that the majority of his caloric intake comes from the free wine and cheese platters offered at art exhibit openings across the city, defeated gallery managers confirm.
“I wish I had discovered this shit sooner. I started dating an art history major and it opened up this entire world of free booze and fancy finger foods that I thought were reserved for sellouts and lawyers. I can’t believe they just hand out wine and cheese the whole time and all you have to do is pretend to like a dumb sculpture. The best part? If you’re 86-ed or whatever, there’s like seven more on the same block,” stated Luethke while enjoying an aged brie. “I don’t even go dumpster diving anymore because the cheese has so much protein in it, and if I’m being honest, I’m usually too wasted by the end of the night to walk anyway.”
Harold Wolf, an art resident at Opium Gallery sees Luethke’s blatant free food approach in a different light.
“This is what the art sphere needs. He creates a space of interactive and intellectual questioning in these classist spaces. The minute he walks in with his tattered clothing, gouda scented sweat, and bloodshot eyes, gone is the veneer of who is truly allowed to enjoy an artistic experience,” said Wolf. “The beautiful castles of royalty were once filled with feces due to their lack of plumbing and disregard for those who were left to clean it. When he grabs his third plate, we are watching a genius at work.”
Deschutes Gallery manager Layla Hassan describes Luethke’s actions as a constant barrage that ceases to be subdued.
“As a gallery manager, I’ve seen plenty of people have a little too much wine at an opening, but at this point, we have to switch to box wine specifically for [Luethke]. Our gallery showings are free to the general public, but he’s created a substantial added cost,” attests Layla Hassan. “I’ve had to explain that we do not provide ‘red wine doubles’ on numerous occasions. He was escorted off the premises during Thursday after attempting to incite a ‘mosh pit’ in the abstract exhibit.”
At press time, Luethke quadrupled his yearly income after learning local art schools will pay him up to $30 to pose nude for an hour.
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Executives at Apple TV responded to “an overwhelming amount of customer demands” by announcing that their network will now be referred to exclusively as “The One That Ted Lasso Is On,” sources who pray to a photo of Steve Jobs every night confirmed.
“From our groundbreaking operating systems to our handheld devices, Apple has always strived to make user-friendly products. With that spirit in mind, we will be honoring the users’ need to quickly find their favorite show. Because to be honest with you, I’m not even sure what the fuck else is on that app,” said Apple’s Director of Community Relations Sandra Smith. “Loyal Apple TV users will no longer have to fumble through a myriad of apps searching for Mr. Lasso’s fish out of water shenanigans. Whether Ted is gleefully unfamiliar with British customs, dealing with his broken family, or using toxic positivity to cover up his traumas, it’ll all be laid out for your easy digestion, like a bowl of cottage cheese.”
Long time fan of the show Dan Rogers is incredibly relieved by the news.
“Streaming used to be easy. Just get Netflix or Hulu and you were good. Now, if you put a gun to my head right now and asked me the difference between Paramount Plus and Peacock, I’d have to say goodbye to my kids,” said Rogers. “The world is a dark and vile place. Fascists marching in the streets, cops killing people, and like half the country refusing to take a simple vaccine. Ted’s pop culture quips are the only thing keeping me from driving off a cliff.”
Marketing Director Luke Greene says that we should expect a lot of similar changes across the media spectrum.
“With the massive influx of personalised entertainment, major players don’t want to get lost in the mix. The automatic pilot days of trusting people will just watch nine hours of ‘Guy’s Grocery Games’ have passed,” Greene said. “Netflix is toying around with changing its name to ‘Don’t Really Want It, But It Would Be Weird Not To Have’ and Hulu will become ‘Am I Still Paying For This?’ But my favorite is Comcast just rebranding basic cable as ‘Grandma’s House.’”
Jason Sudekis was unavailable for comment as he was busy battling Paul Rudd for title of most charming fucking dude ever.
CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS — An overloaded barge containing nearly fifty thousand gallons of coconut oil spilled into the Gulf Of Mexico causing over 300 species to see a remarkable improvement in their hair quality, confirmed Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) officials posing for selfies with the animals.
“I’ve attended dozens of workshops on how to properly rehabilitate these animals after a spill, but nothing could have prepared me for this,” said cleanup volunteer Elizabeth Walston. “I’m stuck here caring for a Double-Crested Cormorant with beautifully coiffed feathers knowing full well that the oil will wear off in a few days and it will go back to being just another stupid fucking bird. There’s part of me that wants to give up and put these animals out of their misery once and for all so they don’t have to suffer anymore. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing they won’t have continual access to this sort of sparkle?”
Ulta Beauty Inc, an American chain specializing in beauty products, has lost a considerable amount of its coconut oil supply as a result of the spill.
“Like everyone, I’m completely outraged,” said Ulta CEO David Kimbell. “That ship was carrying enough coconut oil to keep our customers looking fabulous until the end of Q1. Now I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen. We had an exclusive deal lined up with Machine Gun Kelly that’s basically flushed down the toilet now. I have half a mind to go down to that beach and scrape the oil off of them myself, and maybe even charge all that freeloading wildlife market price. It’s not my fault these birds refuse to get jobs.”
Pillars of the fashion and beauty world, including Jonathan Van Ness of “Queer Eye,” voiced their support for these birds’ new “looks”.
“These animals are letting their inner beauty shine,” said Van Ness from a nearby sand dune where he could be seen applauding every animal affected by the spill. “Who gave that Double-crested Cormorant permission to slay so hard? At first, I thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker, but no it’s just Phalacrocorax auritus serving us so much style I want to go back for seconds. The perfectly conditioned hair, the shine on the feathers. Honey, I’m literally obsessed. Go off queens!”
Environmentalists expressed concern that tornadoes could also have a positive impact on the hair quality of a number of species, leaving blow dryer companies like Dyson at a loss of profit.
Let’s get this out of the way up top: Just because I haven’t washed my dishes in a week doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I’m just innovative. Why do all that work when my apartment is filled with perfectly suitable food delivery surfaces? I’m actually the truest embodiment of the DIY lifestyle, and if your sink isn’t brimming with old, moldy dishes, then I question your place in this scene. Get on my level:
Tupperware Lid
I guess the more technical term for it is Reused-Land-O-Lakes-Whipped-Butter-Container-Functioning-As-Tupperware-Until-I-Hit-It-Big-And-Can-Afford-The-Real-Stuff-One-Day Lid. I used the actual container for cereal yesterday morning. And last night. And this morning. So I’ve pretty much maxed it out until I get around to washing my dishes. And at that point, why eat out of a clean old butter container when I can use a clean bowl instead? Point being, I ate reheated steak and cheese taquitos off a Land O Lakes lid.
Dog Bowl (Clean)
Obviously, I wouldn’t eat out of a dirty dog bowl. I don’t have a dog, which is why boiling and eating Picante Chicken Ramen out of a metal dog bowl is clean and safe. Would I recommend it? No. Would I do it again if necessary? All signs point to Yes.
Frisbee
Nothing screams “I’m fine and I don’t need to address the growing pile of dishes in my sink” like a good, old-fashioned white bread and ketchup sandwich on a free Frisbee I snagged from the local college’s club activity fair. It wasn’t my college, but the Make Libertarians Great Again Club didn’t know that when they were giving away all their free “No Handouts, Just Bootstraps”-emblazoned merch. Once the ketchup and crumbs have build up, you can’t even read the dumbass slogan anyway.
Dog Bowl (Dirty)
I know what I said. But here’s the thing: I still don’t have a dog. I just wrapped the dirty Ramen dog bowl in clean tin foil and BOOM — clean dog bowl. As for what I did with it, see Dog Bowl (Clean).
Old ‘Crotchety Goblins’ Record (Scratched Beyond Repair)
Man, if you’ve never heard Crotchety Goblins, you’re missing out. But hey, I’m feeling generous, so here’s what I’ll do. Just Venmo me $35 + shipping fees (@Crotchety_Goblins_Band) and I’ll send you one of our records — I’ve got loads of ‘em sitting around. Obviously we made them for listening, but I accidentally scratched up a few so now I use them as makeshift charcuterie boards. Just arrange some stale saltines, shredded Kraft singles, and cut up Slim Jims, and you’re about to be the fanciest motherfucker in the scene.
Of course, when I run out of every item that conceivably serves food, it’s time for me to do the dishes… By which I mean throw out every dirty cup, bowl, and plate, then sneak back into the college dining hall to steal some more.
