Opinion: No Gods, No Masters Except for My Full-time Mommy Domme

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

Okay, look, listen up. I know I’m an anarchist, and that means that I reject any and all forms of hierarchy, but that doesn’t extend to my full-time live-in dominatrix. Not only is she a justified hierarchy, but she is the only real authority in my life that I respect. You might say that’s not in line with my theoretical principles, but to that, I say, go read up on Hegelian dialects and Bataille and limit experiences.

When I don’t want to clean the kitchen, it is her hands that whip me into shape and make sure I follow through on my responsibilities. When she makes me kiss her feet it is a symbol of the deepest love and devotion, and exchange of domination and submission that may not make sense to the world outside but which we understand implicitly and completely.

Deleuze and Guattari diagnosed us as living in the age of capitalist schizophrenia, in which our exposure to a multitude of extreme images keeps us locked into a state of permanently split consciousness. Through the gentle but firm direction of my Goddess, I am able to retain my spirit, able to know who I am. I am her plaything, her toy, her good little boy, and she reminds me who I am with every blow from her paddle or kiss from her lips.

Some might argue that to allow one’s domme to brand them permanently on the ass with their initials is antithetical to my position as an anarchist, but that could not be further from the truth. I believe that choosing the firm yet gentle hands which direct you is the ultimate expression of autonomy. I have chosen to be hers, and so I know exactly who I am within the context of the whole. Is that not freedom? Is that not the ultimate expression of self-determination?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have hot candle wax poured all over my cock and balls.

Loser Has Extra Ticket if Anyone Interested

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GRESHAM, Ore. — Local friendless reject Dennis Hagar is looking to give away an extra ticket to tonight’s Classless Few show to anyone willing to “carpool, or meet up at the show or whatever,” confirmed sources more than willing to pay full price for the show.

“Yeah I just kind of threw it out there on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Tik Tok, and in a massive group text and email blast. So far I haven’t had any takers,” said Hager after taking a bite of a roast beef sandwich with extra mayo and wiping his mouth with his wrist. “When tickets went on sale I made sure I bought an extra because I thought maybe I’d have a girlfriend to bring or something, but I’ve been in the middle of a pretty brutal eight-year dry spell. I guess that was wishful thinking on my part.”

“I should probably go clean up my car a little bit, I left an entire birthday cake I bought for myself in there and a fuck ton of ants sort of took over the passenger seat,” he added.

Curtis Fletcher worked with Hagar three years ago and says he still regrets accepting a free ticket from the painfully lonely man.

“I had always heard the term ‘there is no such thing as a free lunch’ but didn’t really understand it until Dennis convinced me to see Witches Tit with him back in 2017. He came over to my house five hours early and brought a gallon of warm milk that he just stood drinking and spilling all over my carpet,” said Fletcher. “Then when we got to the show he kept suggesting he buy the same shirts from the band so we could wear them together at the next show we go to.”

Social psychologist Tara West says Hagar’s desperate tactic is common amongst unlikeable weirdos.

“Anytime someone takes to social media to offer up a ticket it’s in your best interest to ignore it. Maybe even block that person and forget you know them. If they had real friends they wouldn’t need to do something so pathetic,” said West. “If you ever do accept a free ticket then you have entered into a contract where you might have to also get dinner with this person, and they are definitely going to suggest you ‘do something over the weekend,’ so just make sure you have a lot of good excuses ready to go.”

One hour before the show, Hagar attempted to sweeten the pot by offering the ticket and an extra $100 to anyone willing to walk in the front door with him.

10 Song Meanings Everyone Gets Wrong

Posted on by Ted Pillow

If you think you know the story behind these hits, think again. Here are 10 songs with misinterpretations that have become common knowledge and true meanings that will completely shock you.

“It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy

Many assumed Shaggy’s roguish pop smash is about his girlfriend catching him red-handed sleeping with another woman. Close, but no cigar: the song is about Shaggy’s girlfriend catching him red-handed impersonating a police officer.

“Wonderwall” by Oasis

The Gallagher brothers’ inescapable singalong classic is commonly explained as Noel’s ode to then girlfriend Meg Matthews. But, think about it: what the fuck even is a wonderwall? Noel confirmed in a 2009 BBC interview that, in his opinion, the only real wonderwall was the Berlin Wall and the song is all about how much he misses it.

“Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton

Clapton did in fact write this slowdance staple about then girlfriend and future wife Pattie Boyd, but he was actually just being polite because she looked like absolute horseshit that night. Woof.

“Don’t Speak” by No Doubt

Popular opinion claims No Doubt’s biggest hit is about the breakup between lead singer Gwen Stefani and bassist Tony Kanal. However, Stefani has confirmed that the lovelorn song is inspired by the explosion of the Mega Powers, Hulk Hogan and “Macho Man” Randy Savage, at WrestleMania V.

“Angel of Death” by Slayer


The thrash metal stalwarts came under fire for this song, which many accused of Nazi sympathizing and employing Holocaust atrocities for the sake of cheap imagery. Don’t worry – Slayer has repeatedly explained that they’re not Nazis, they’re just really interested in Nazis and enjoy writing songs from the perspective of Nazis. So, uh, it’s all good!

“I’m a Robot, But I’m Sad” by Radiohead

Considered by fans to be the laziest Radiohead song of all time, “I’m a Robot, But I’m Sad” feels like a contrived parody of the band’s most common lyrical themes. But singer Thom Yorke has adamantly defended the song, claiming it was inspired by his “personal hero” and star of the movie “Short Circuit,” Johnny 5.

“Iron Man” by Black Sabbath

Fans have mistakenly assumed for years that Ozzy and company wrote this metal classic about the comic book character of the same name. But, in actuality, the English rockers wrote the song about their dear friend, the South African robot Chappie.

“Dear John” by Taylor Swift

You’ve probably heard that “Dear John” is Swift’s scathing account of her relationship with ex-boyfriend John Mayer, right? Wrong. Swift’s savage takedown is addressed to John Candy, who owed her $450 when he died.

“Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit


Many critics see “Break Stuff” as a rejection of America’s increasingly short-sided, transactional foreign diplomacy approach in the Middle East. However, frontman Fred Durst recently admitted that it’s just about one of those days when you don’t want to wake up because everything is fucked and everybody sucks.

“Helter Skelter” by The Beatles

Interpretations of this low-fi Beatles rocker have been long influenced by Charles Manson’s mistaken belief that it predicted an impending race war between whites and blacks. However, Paul McCartney has always maintained that the song simply predicts an impending race war in which everyone teams up against the Greeks.

Hallmark Channel Debuts “A Pop Punk Christmas,” in Which Frontman Returns to Hated Hometown and Finds Love at Local High School

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — The Hallmark Channel is branching out into new creative territory this year with the addition of a coming of age story about love and loss titled “A Pop Punk Christmas” to its holiday movie lineup, excited company executives confirmed.

“Let’s face it, we’ve been in a creative rut lately,” said Tanner McAdams, Hallmark Channel’s director of programming. “We’ve done the same plotlines to death. The handsome suitor is secretly a prince, the workaholic protagonist reconnects with her high school sweetheart. We wanted to tell a different, more authentic story this year, and what’s more authentic than punk rock? ‘A Pop Punk Christmas’ follows a disaffected lead singer who finds the Christmas spirit, and love, in the last place he’d ever expect: Holidaysburg, the suburban hometown he couldn’t move away from soon enough. Think ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ meets ‘New Found Glory’’ meets ‘Lolita.’”

The film stars Dean Cain as 28-year-old frontman Kyle Haskins of the band Hidden Kingdom, opposite Lacey Chabert as junior varsity field hockey captain Kayleigh Allen.

“Let’s just say Christmas isn’t really Kyle’s thing,” said Cain. “But on a visit home to reconnect with his divorced parents, he realizes the people he remembered as soulless suburbanites are way more authentic than his fake friends in the music industry. This is encapsulated in the character of Kayleigh, who he shares a meet cute with when they both reach for the same eyeliner at Claire’s. The incomparable Stephen Tobolowsky gives a star turn as the Scrooge-like principal who tries to stand in the way of true love, but I get the better of him by crashing the school’s battle of the bands disguised as Santa to skirt a restraining order.”

So far, the film has been universally panned by critics.

“For years, I’ve crapped on Hallmark movies for their derivative plots and saccharine sentimentality,” said Kate Aguilar, film critic at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. “But somehow this is worse. Much, much worse. You’d think Hallmark would have realized something was amiss when Cain prepared for his role by touring with Brand New and studying up on Megan’s Law. For the love of God, please get back to your roots and stick with the cheesy, milquetoast movie formula.”

At press time, Hallmark executives have announced they will be releasing an accompanying soundtrack featuring original “punk Christmas” songs such as “Merry Christmas (Piss Off)” and “Mature for Your Age.”

Liberal Voter Signs Petition to Build More Affordable Housing Two Towns Over, Maybe Three

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NORWELL, Mass. — Lifelong Democrat and self-proclaimed liberal activist Andy O’Hare added his name to a petition to build more affordable housing while clarifying the construction would take place miles from his home, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“I’m very aware of my privilege and I know I’ve been blessed. Making sure the less fortunate have a safe place to live is a priority of mine,” said O’Hare. “I just need to make sure that my own property value doesn’t go down in the process. Not to mention the tax hit. Everyone deserves a fair shake here, and I think the government needs to step up and provide for these people, but the government should also know that my town isn’t a great spot for this project. I can’t even imagine how much my insurance rates would go up if we let those beautiful souls move into town.”

Community activists say supposedly “liberal” voters are the biggest impediment to getting new affordable housing built.

“We have been stationed outside of every Star Market and Stop and Shop on the South Shore collecting signatures and we always get such a warm response until people realize that construction might happen within 10 miles of their home,” said advocate Terry Palmieri. “I’ve had people spit on me, throw my clipboard into the trash, and threaten to have me arrested ‘for communism’ and then I see them drive off and they have Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on their car.”

Local far-left organizers were not surprised by this revelation.

“We see this all the time. I’ve known so many people that fought for a massive redistribution of wealth for two years when they were kind of broke in college, then they got a programming job at HubSpot and started calling the cops on people running needle exchanges,” said Amari Liston. “But those same people still quote Fred Hampton in their Instagram posts every time a Republican does something they don’t like. Just a few weeks ago I tried to contact a couple old friends to help me with a food drive for the unhoused near Fogg Park and they had their lawyer send me a cease and desist letter saying ‘they don’t want to encourage a seedy element in their community.’”

At press time, O’Hare enthusiastically signed another petition to open up a third Panera Bread in town.

Why I Decided to Toilet Train My Kitten and Litter Box Train My Toddler

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

Parenting is a lifelong journey, and every day brings new challenges. I just try to do what’s best for my babies. Sure, I made some unconventional decisions — not every parent toilet trains their kitten and litter box trains their toddler. But everyone thinks they know how they’ll raise their little ones until they adopt a kitten from PetSmart, and all their best laid plans go to shit.

Look, I never thought I’d be THAT parent. I laughed with the rest of you when cat moms bragged about how they trained their precious fur babies to drop a post-Chunky Chick’n Liver D’Light deuce in the big boy toilet by the early age of 22 months. But then my little bundle of fur and fangs looked up at me for the first time, and in my heart I knew I could never force Mr. Greggory McFluffington to defecate in a box of dusty pebbles like some common house cat.

Greggory was a natural on the toilet. Every poop landed perfectly in the water pooled at the bottom of his porcelain throne. His father and I were so proud, and we knew it was time to add another little one to our family.

A year later, I gave birth to our human son, Greggory. It occurred to me that since the unconventional parenting methods we used for feline-Greggory worked so well, maybe I should look into alternative options for human-Greggory as well.

I did my research and discovered that litter box training is actually the best option for human-Greggory. It turns out squatting is the healthiest way for humans to poop! That’s just science. Also, by the time human-Greggory was old enough to be potty trained, there was no available bathroom where he could do his business (feline-Greggory is territorial), but there was an unused litter box in the closet.

Look, what it comes down to is, when feline-Greggory decides that something is his, it’s best to just let him have it. I’ve got plenty of scars that can attest to that. Even my husband and I have a hard time getting toilet time without a little blood being drawn, and I just don’t think human-Greggory is ready for that. It’s just better this way.

So here they are: a cat pooping in a human toilet and a toddler pooping in a box of dusty odor-absorbing pellets, just as God intended. And if anyone’s worried that I’m setting human-Greggory up to fail in the real world, he’s a smart kid. I’m positive he’ll teach himself to poop in a human toilet in his preschool’s bathroom, provided that the preschool’s bathroom is not also the claimed domain of an extremely aggressive feline.

High School Band Teacher Keeping Fact He Used to Play Trumpet for ‘No Doubt’ in Back Pocket Until He Really Needs It

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LAKE FOREST, Calif. — Local high school band teacher Kurt Hill has yet to reveal to his students that he played trumpet for the band No Doubt for a brief stint in 1991, sources in the faculty lounge report.

“Gwen [Stefani] is still a pretty high profile figure and these kids know who she is, even if they don’t know she once fronted a ska band,” Hill said while preparing to conduct the orchestra for a performance of Brigadoon. “I am going to hold onto the fact that I knew her back in the day until I really lose control of the classroom or need to garner some cred with a particularly unruly student. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will care that I was in The Aquabats for literally a decade, so unless Stefani gets canceled between now and next May I’ve got a hefty little piece of leverage just waiting to be used.”

Hill’s students are aware that he is holding back something, but don’t particularly care to find out what it is.

“He keeps saying really random phrases like when we are talking too much he just says, ‘don’t speak,’ and then giggles to himself,” said high school Junior and orchestra violinist Colleen Morales. “When I made first chair he told me it wasn’t because I’m, ‘just a girl,’ and when I told him I was going to miss practice because my aunt died he just said, ‘no doubt,’ which just seemed really insensitive. I’m sure it all means something but I really don’t care.”

Professionals in the realm of academia believe it would be best for Hill to just have it be known right away.

“Commanding the respect of a group of teens is near impossible. Try too hard and they’ll control you forever. He’d be best to just say it as casually as possible, like he wasn’t trying to impress them,” Secondary education professor Dr. Albert Barton, PhD explained. “He is building this up too much and Stefani is already fifty-two, she doesn’t pull the kind of teenage idolisation she did 20 years ago. If it wasn’t for her romance with Blake Shelton, telling a teen you once knew her would go about as far as saying you knew Jessica Simpson or Mandy Moore. You’re just digging your own grave.”

Hill had still yet to use his wild card, however, during a recent outburst from resident class clown Ryan Cook, opted instead to tell the class about the time he saw “Macho Man” Randy Savage at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, which only made things worse.

5 Punk Albums Perfect for Reminding You How You Used To Stand For Something

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Remember when you first discovered punk? We sure do. You were between the ages of thirteen and sixteen and full of fire and ambition. You wanted to eat the rich, kill whitey, and burn our societal institutions to the ground. You thought you would spend your entire life dedicated to fighting worthy causes, fueled by punk motherfucking rock. Anyway, teenagers are dumb. You have a job and a kid now so the most you can do is listen to some old records and remember the days of your youth when you actually stood for something.

Fortunately, we’re here to give you the same revealing existential crisis! Here are 5 quintessential punk rock albums to remind you how you used to stand for something before you sold your life for a paycheck:

Dead Kennedys – Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables
“Let’s Lynch the Landlord” used to get you pumped up and ready to throw a brick through a slumlord’s window. But now that you own a few properties of your own, you don’t see why your tenents need all of their leaks fixed. But you can still crank this classic album until one of your rich neighbors calls the cops.

Against Me! – Reinventing Axl Rose
You used to listen to this album over and over back when you stood for something. Back then, you would laugh at danger and break all the rules. Nowadays, you’d call a cop “cool” because he let you off with a warning. For shame.

The Descendents – Cool to Be You
When you first heard this, you thought it was for “pop-punk posers.” Well, now that you’ve caught yourself slipping your daughter’s Disney songs into your “jogging” playlist, we’d say you’re the poser now. No offense. Us too.

Green Day – Kerplunk
This is the one that got you into the whole punk sha-bang. Just kidding, we all know it was “Dookie.” But that’s not important! This one may not be as politically charged as the other albums on this list, but it’s essentially the punk equivalent of your first hit of weed, which was the gateway drug that eventually led you to crack.

Leftover Crack – Mediocre Generica
No Gods, no managers! Fuck world trade! Baby Jesus sliced up in a manger! All of these are album titles from everyone’s favorite C-Squat boys (and Stza) but also they’re things you yelled while getting arrested at the mall in your teens. You may not be as ride or die for the good, the bad, and the Leftover Crack as you used to be, but you can still rock the 40 oz. and give this one a nostalgic spin.

Historians Now Confident Jesus Also Turned Water Into Strawberry Coconut Hard Seltzer

Posted on by Brandon Talley

JERUSALEM — Biblical scholars were stunned by a newly discovered set of ancient scrolls that suggests Jesus not only turned water into wine, but also strawberry coconut flavored hard seltzer, impossibly refreshed historians confirmed.

“We were never expecting to find this,” said archaeologist Donald Wilson. “But there we were, translating a long lost scripture we find on clay tablets deep inside a previously sealed off cave, with Jesus saying, ‘Sometimes beer seemeth too heavy, but wine doth not seem quite right either. So behold, for I have turneth water into a sparkling hard beverage of the sickest berry in all of creation, the likes of which will remind all of a tropical vacation in hell.’ We had no idea that people were enjoying lightly carbonated beverages that also pack a punch that far back.”

“There was also evidence that strawberry coconut was just one of the inventive flavors,” Wilson added. “One scroll mentioned a Pomegranate Grape blend, and another showed evidence of what I assume was a far less popular flavor; Wild Fig Olive.”

Christians across the globe had strong feelings about Jesus’ supposed drink of choice.

“There’s no way in hell Jesus drank wussy seltzers when everybody knows he would’ve been pounding a nice fat can of Natty Ice!” said Garth Robertson, Christian, American, and self-appointed female body inspector. “Clearly Jesus wasn’t some fancy pants wine drinker, that sat around discussing art or some bullshit. The guy was out there getting wasted, flipping tables, fooling around with Mary on the reg, and being an all-around badass. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and let liberal California tell me what a true American like Jesus would have drank.”

However, religious leaders are reiterating that this new discovery doesn’t change their understanding of the bible, Jesus, and the sacrifice he made.

“Like, I always knew Jesus was my homeboy, but this just proves it,” said alternative youth pastor Kevin Ames. “Knowing that Jesus gave up those crisp Cucumber Peach Hard Seltzers actually underlines the sacrifice that he made. The only thing that this changes, is that I now need to tattoo a can of hard seltzer on my left forearm right next to the flaming ten commandments. Praise Him.”

At press time, the Vatican was looking into adjusting church doctrine and mandating the use of Habanero Piña Colada Hard Seltzer instead of wine for communion.

Opinion: No Fucking Way The My Chemical Romance Singer’s Father Said All That Shit to Him at A Parade

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Does the My Chemical Romance singer think I’m stupid? He clearly must think I’m a big fucking joke if he assumes I’m dumb enough to take the song “Welcome to the Black Parade” at face value. Claiming this is a realistic ballad is total bullshit and I’m gonna prove it. There’s no Gerard-damn way the My Chemical Romance singer’s dad said all that shit to him at a parade. Let’s examine the evidence.

First off, are we to believe that the My Chemical Romance singer’s father was always speaking in depressing rhymes like an emo Tom Bombadil? I’m just saying it’s a little suspicious that his dad speaks in straight prose with a consistent emphasis on rhyming every third sentence.

Secondly, how the hell would the My Chemical Romance singer even know what his dad was talking about? He was a kid at the time! If my dad sat me down after baseball practice and started talking nonsense about me growing up to be the “savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned,” I would have been very confused. I’d also have a few questions. Chief among them, why the hell is this my responsibility? I bet Pete Wentz’s dad never put that kind of pressure on him.

Honestly, the lyrics of this song come off like one of those fake stories on Reddit where an attention-seeking parent claims their kid said some profound shit like, “I’m not sad my dog died. I was just happy to have known him.” Even if that story is actually true, your kid sounds like a psycho who can’t form meaningful attachments. Enjoy your upvotes.

I’m onto you, My Chemical Romance singer. Your story is bullshit. See, my dad also took me to see a marching band when I was a kid. But all he said to me was “this sucks, hand me another beer from the cooler,” because that’s how dads actually talk.

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