10 Terrible Unreleased Songs by Kurt Cobain

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Kurt Cobain’s life came to a tragic end in April of 1994, leaving behind a catalog of despair, hopelessness, and hidden Jack Handey references. But despite penning many classics, the legendary grunge artists also recorded a buttload of subpar songs that were best suited for the cutting room floor.

Here are 10 Kurt Cobain songs we’re glad never saw the light of day.

Unplugged Reading of Mee-Maw Cobain’s Prize-Winning Apple Crisp Recipe

An ardent lover of familial treats and dainties, Kurt never left for tour without a few Tupperware containers full of his Mee-Maw’s prize-winning apple crisps; they were particularly good with a nice cup of Starbucks coffee and just a dollop of uncut scag. Cobain recorded the recipe with an acoustic guitar and a clean vocal track in tribute to Mee-Maw. However, Nirvana was issued a cease-and-desist order from Betty Crocker and the song’s master tapes were thoroughly destroyed.

‘I’d Like To Solve the Puzzle but I Don’t Know How’

Kurt Cobain was often known for his cheeky and macabre sense of humor. He called this cutting room floor track “I’d Like To Solve the Puzzle but I Don’t Know How,” written about his love of the widely-syndicated TV game show “Wheel of Fortune.” Cobain even had RSTLNE tattooed across his lower back.

Orchestral Re-Release of ‘Nevermind’

Not unlike The Ramones before them, Nirvana boiled rock down to its very shitty essence. But the acclaim would eventually go to their heads, as Cobain decided to re-record “Nevermind” with a full orchestra. He recruited a Seattle middle school orchestra, dosed them all with military-grade LSD, and forced them to play the band’s breakthrough album.

‘Shiver Your Timbers’

The Pacific Northwest is known for just two things – Frasier Crane and the robust logging industry. And you may be surprised to learn that Kurt Cobain was a stalwart supporter of both. His pro-logging anthem “Shiver Your Timbers” extolled the joys of quality wooden furniture, militant deforestation, and a general love of cutting wood into tiny pieces and lighting them on fire.

Jingle for the 1994 Lillehammer Olympics

Not even Kurt Cobain was rich enough to turn down winter Olympics money. Plus he was into curling.

Just Mumbling Names From the Phone Book

Exactly what it sounds like, but set to a pre-recorded samba loop from Kurt’s trusty Casio. By this point Mr. Courtney Love was bored and didn’t care what anyone thought, so he recorded a 4 hour long song in which he read every name in the 1993 Seattle yellowpages.

‘Cherry Pie’ Cover

Hair metal dominated the charts in the 1980s, but by the 1990s the genre was reduced to mainly pandering to townie dropouts that peaked in high school. Which is exactly why Cobain, a well-documented hair metal fanatic, insisted that Nirvana cover the Warrant juggernaut “Cherry Pie.” We got to listen to this one. It was pretty badass, but we pretended to hate it.

‘HrrrMnrrrRmmnrrMrrRrr’

Cobain put more and more pressure on himself to grow and evolve as a songwriter. One day in the studio Kurt was on his bullshit and forced himself to sing an entire song without opening his teeth. It wasn’t much different than other Nirvana songs, but this one sucked.

Kris Novoselic Diss Track

Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur’s mutual respect for one another was well known, and Cobain was particularly inspired by the Shakur diss track “Hit ‘Em Up”. He penned “I Wish That Bass Had Fucking Killed You,” referencing when Nirvana bassist Kris Novoselic threw his bass in the air and it came crashing down on his head.

‘Skcub Rats’

As a huge fan of both corporate coffee chains and globalization, Kurt wrote “Skcub Rats” to promote Starbucks. Cobain had recently invested in the company with his newfound wealth, as he was known to constantly complain about how much the coffee sucked while touring “podunk” towns throughout the country. Finally, an exhausted Cobain declared “Why don’t we just buy some soulless coffee store and put dozens of them in every town? Then we’ll always be able to get a decent cup.”

Son Caught with Punk-O-Rama CD Forced to Listen to Entire Compilation

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO — Young Joey Hopkins was forced to listen to volumes five, seven, and eight of his father’s Epitaph Punk-O-Rama compilation collection in their entirety after stealing them from the basement to impress his teen friends.

“Joey and his friends have been all hopped up on that new Machine Gun Kelly record, and he thought they might be ready to get into some real punk from my youth,” explained an irate Danny “Stick” Hopkins, father of Joey and former punk. “They by-passed Green Day altogether and went straight for the Guy Smiley deep cuts. I’ve warned him so many times about going through my stuff, hopefully this puts a stop to it. This hurts me more than it hurts him, but he has to learn somehow that he can’t just dabble in the non-embarrassing stuff.”

While Joey and his friends enjoyed the pop punk tracks by the likes of Pulley, and The Bouncing Souls, they were a bit taken aback by the compilations’ more hardcore offerings from Refused, Madball, and Death by Stereo.

“There’s no question about it, we just weren’t ready,” admitted Joey’s friend Shaky Darryl. “I mean, those Rancid guys might look scary, but their music was so fun it didn’t matter. But for the life of me I can’t figure out why those Swedish dudes in Refused are so flipping angry. Don’t they have universal health care?”

Epitaph Records founder and Bad Religion guitarist Brett Gurewitz commented on the rising issue of teens discovering their parents’ punk roots.

“It’s true, [they] should be a bit more responsible with their punk paraphernalia, although I think Punk-O-Rama is as good an entry point as any if you are looking for a safe, yet intriguing, introduction into the world. The biting social commentary of early 2000s Bad Religion especially offers an exceedingly prescient view into our current geo-political situation, illuminating the threat of international U.S. imperialism all the while ignoring domestic turmoil at an alarming rate…,” said Gurewitz, trailing off and looking up from a thesaurus. “Did I use enough big words? Greg will get mad at me if I sound dumb.”

Despite the embarrassment of his punk phase resurfacing, Hopkins eventually decided he is actually looking forward to connecting with his son through their newly found shared interests, stating that he might “break out the old Rock Against Bush comps and we can really have some fun.”

Realistic Sex Doll Way Out of Man’s League

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MODESTO, Calif. — Local bachelor Lou Charksville admitted that he can’t be himself around his new exceptionally lifelike sex doll which is far too out of his league, sources who hadn’t seen anyone so nervous around an inanimate object in their lives confirmed.

“Usually only rich guys can get with sex dolls this hot, but I just saved up $1,500 so I can finally afford to take one out from behind the register,” said Charksville before timidly facing the doll away from him while changing his clothes. “Before her, I could never muster up the courage to approach an attractive sex doll display at the shop. But there was just something about the Turbo Ashley 5000 where I knew immediately that she was the one for me. Unfortunately, she’s a 10 and I’m objectively a three at best. Good thing it’s what’s on the inside of a sex doll that counts.”

Mario Trublatt, owner and operator of the adult shop Sex Toys “R” Us, revealed that this particular sex doll was one of their bestsellers.

“It’s almost as popular as our signature dildo that bears a striking resemblance to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson,” said Trublatt while directing a patron looking for the unconventional fetishes section to aisle six. “However, that specific sex doll also happens to be one of our most returned items too. Turns out, it’s so beautiful by human standards that less attractive customers end up feeling self-conscious while plowing it, so they’re forced to exchange it for something more in their league, like a faceless and body-less fleshlight. If only the resell market on sex dolls wasn’t so abysmal.”

Experts seemed almost fearful about the future of sex doll technology.

“These fuckable mannequins are beginning to look more and more realistic by the day,” said sex counselor Aidy Greer. “In fact, we should be worrying less about artificial intelligence becoming sentient and destroying the human race as we know it and more about sex dolls looking so realistically hot that they replace humans for all of our natural intercourse needs. Smart and self-aware AI? Meh. Extremely hot sex dolls though? That’s the dystopia I fear.”

At press time, Charksville started dating a real person from his bowling league and gave his sex doll the old “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse before storing it in the back of his closet.

Red Flag? My Defense Attorney Rollerblades to Court

Posted on by Doug Kolic

They say you get what you pay for. That’s why I was expecting a top-notch legal defense after hiring my lawyer who came highly recommended via numerous bus stop flyers. But then I saw him rollerblade into the courtroom. That’s when I started to think I may have made a mistake.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe physical fitness is important. I’m just not sure I like the optics of my legal defender zipping up to the courthouse in bulky hard-shelled ’90s skates while sweating profusely through his New York Jets jersey. Oh yeah, he also doesn’t wear a suit to court and he supports the Jets. Two more red flags right there.

When I first met Larry “The Tomahawk” Jablonski in his office, he wasn’t wearing the Native American headdress or wielding a weapon of war like he did in his ads. Red Flag? Probably. Appropriation? You betcha.

Am I overreacting? After all, the big city is full of colorful characters. As long as he’s a competent lawyer who’s doing everything he can to get me off, maybe I should overlook how he dresses or how he gets around. For instance, whenever we met he was always busy prepping for my case by watching Law & Order episodes on an iPod Classic. He doesn’t have a smartphone because “the government is always watching.”

In retrospect, maybe the rollerblading-to-court thing was the least problematic thing about Larry. Next time I’ll break the bank and hire a lawyer whose flyers are in a coffee shop.

If I’m Not a Creative Genius, Then Why Am I So Abusive to the People Around Me?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Art is the most important part of my life and, dare I say, the entire existence of the world and everyone in it. There is nothing more important than the freedom of an artist to create under all circumstances, no matter what the cost. So let me ask: how can you say I’m not a creative genius when I am absurdly abusive to all the people around me?

The math is pretty simple. The more I feel entitled to be a piece of shit to literally everyone, the better my art must be.

If there is one thing I know about myself, it’s that I have a voice in me that must speak out in poetic words or daring new forms of painting or whatever seems fun and cool at that moment. For that voice to find its fullest form, I must be allowed allow to exhibit toxic behavior and to act on any impulse at any time, regardless of how damaging it may be to anyone unfortunate enough to get close to me.

Creators like myself must have unlimited freedom to manifest art. Specifically, the unlimited freedom to be a complete dumpster fire of a human who takes it out on whoever is closest, most emotionally vulnerable, or does not have the legal resources of my dad’s law firm to successfully battle me in court when I allegedly steal their car. Fucking philistines.

You know who was also abusive to the people around them? Picasso. Salvador Dali. My dad. Most of those people were awe-inspiring artists and it is solely due to the fuckery they committed. If anyone had told them “stop” or “please God, go to therapy,” we wouldn’t have Cubism or whatever.

Ill-Fitting Danzig Shirt Barely Survives Latest Round of Goodwill Donations

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

BEMIDJI, Minn. — A well-worn Danzig shirt owned by middle-aged metalhead Kyle Russo narrowly avoided being donated to Goodwill with a collection of old DVDs, band shirts, and board games, disappointed yet unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I know it hasn’t fit me since ‘Danzig IV,’ and hasn’t fit me well since ‘Danzig II,’ but it holds a special place in my heart,” said Russo, who never fit into the shirt in the first place. “This was the exact shirt I was wearing when I saw a guy who looked exactly like Jerry Only walking into a Marshall’s. I’ll never forget that day, and this shirt was there for me, I can’t let it get turned into a rag. Yeah, it fits over my belly like a crop top and the sleeves cut off the circulation to my arms doesn’t, but most of the graphic is still there, and the holes in the armpits probably won’t get any bigger. Plus I bought that weight bench and protein powder last year too, so you never know.”

This isn’t the first time the medium-sized shirt has escaped being thrown out during routine cleanings.

“That fucking shirt has haunted me for years,” said Russo’s wife Clara, clearing a mound of old band shirts from a dusty weight bench. “It was the first thing I put into the donation bag, but I heard some grunting and fabric tearing and I knew he was trying to squeeze into that shirt again. Now he’s wearing it around with his stomach out like a fat toddler. He likes those big breezy shirts now, but he’s too cool to admit it. I guess being comfortable ‘isn’t metal.’ But marriage is about compromise, as long as he gets rid of that see-through fishnet shirt I shouldn’t complain too much.”

Local Goodwill sorting manager and fellow metalhead Ken Bjornsson says the non-profit organization has seen an increase in vintage small and medium-sized band shirt donations over the last few years.

“It’s natural to gain weight as we age, and a lot of these punk and metal shirts were just so tight to begin with. There’s not a lot of margin for error there,” said Bjornsson as he set a garbage can full of old HIM shirts on fire. “Obviously the pandemic accelerated that for a lot of people, but even so. You wouldn’t believe how many small and medium vintage band shirts we’re getting these days. Hell, I had to hire extra workers just to sort through the mediums alone.”

Russo was last seen rushing to a Wendy’s bathroom to wash his favorite Danzig shirt after spilling an entire cup of french onion soup directly on his chest.

Group Chat Goes Silent After Man Shares Bandcamp Link

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

PERRYSBURG, Ohio — A recent posting of singer/songwriter Dan Sheen’s Bandcamp link has silenced his local friend group chat despite being requested, sources close to the thread indicate.

“I didn’t even bring it up. They asked about new music, I didn’t post, they specifically said post it, I still didn’t, but then they all collectively seemed to genuinely want it, so I posted the link,” Sheen began explaining while reopening the thread in case someone responded and his phone just didn’t alert him. “It’s been three weeks of silence. The only other silence this long was when I dropped the link to my last album. Do you think they have a subthread without me?”

Though she admitted to requesting the music, friend Anna Henning has stated Sheen should know better by now than to post his music in the group chat.

“He has dropped like 20 albums in the thread and we always ignore them all, why hasn’t he gotten it yet?” she stated while deleting the link from the thread so it wouldn’t clutter up the chat window. “We have a subthread that is the ‘fantasy football’ thread, but really it’s the ‘no one wants to comment after a Bandcamp link’ thread. We’ll all hide out in there for another week or so until this all dies down.”

The phenomenon of a group chat going dark is nothing new according to Bandcamp’s statistics.

“We monitor shared links and it seems about 98% of times a Bandcamp link is dropped into a group chat it will immediately kill all traffic in the thread,” added Bandcamp CEO Ethan Diamond. “In fact, statistically only .00000001% of Bandcamp links are ever even clicked on. Not sure what that means, I will need to further analyze.”

At press time, the group chat in question collectively stated the link wasn’t loading right, then messaged enough to send the link far enough up in the thread to be able to ignore it and move on.

How To Make Friends and Influence People, Fail, and Become a Libertarian Pariah

Posted on by Dan Rice

Let’s face it, you are special. Your mom knows it, you know it, and you’re special. Call it the spark, the juice, the touch, call it whatever you want the point is you’ve got it. You’re a fucking winner, and the growing mountain of evidence to the contrary merely indicates the world has lost its way.

People like you are natural-born influencers, put on this earth to hold court and think the big thoughts. Here’s how you can tap into your natural brilliance to win people over to your side and, when that fails, how to become a bitter libertarian weirdo who lashes out at society instead of falling into the trappings of self-assessment and “growth.”

Introduce yourself with a firm handshake.
Exude confidence and make unnaturally long eye contact when introducing yourself to people. Treating every human interaction like a business transaction because it is, and the product is you!

Use people’s names a lot.
You know how anytime you’re at a store or restaurant where the server has a name tag and you pepper it into everything you say to them and they love you for it even though they’re glaring at you like a slave plotting a bloody mutiny? Same principle!

Nod and say “mhmm” a bunch while people talk until it is your turn to speak.
You know that whatever it is a person is saying to you is not nearly as interesting or insightful as what you’ve got in the chamber, but it’s rude to let them know that. Over-actively feign interest when pleabs flap their gums at you to avoid intimidating them with your genius.

Be funny.
This one is easy because you’re so funny! Your meme game is on point, you’re well informed, and you’re above it all.

Let everyone know how funny you’re being.
Hmm, no one is laughing at your detached hot-take jackassery. Better explain to them that you are actually being very, very funny.

Explain to people that they don’t get how funny you are.
Come down to everyone else’s level for a second. If someone is offended by say, a joke in which you used a racial slur or said something massively homophobic, express remorse that they have chosen to be upset. It’s not their fault that they were not born with an IQ as high as yours!

Realize everyone is stupid because they don’t know how funny you are and do a complete heel turn.
You know what, fuck these ingrates. They don’t deserve your insight and you don’t need them! Your friends are Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, and Sun Tzu. Fuck everyone else in the “scene.”
They will pay for not making you their king.

Debate anything.
Someone thinks we need more gun control? Explain why EVERYONE should have a gun, and that the real problem is having free education in the first place. Someone thinks health care is a universal right? Explain what the economy is as if they’re a child.

Make arguments you don’t even believe, it doesn’t matter. You are the master manipulator, and everyone shuffles away from you because they are intimidated by your command of the language and your intellectual prowess.

Get cozy with hate groups.
I mean you don’t see eye to eye with the Proud Boys on everything, but at least they think you’re funny!

Exclusive: We Couldn’t Get Our Hands Hunter Biden’s Laptop but We Found His iPod Nano From 2006 and It’s Way Worse

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Republicans, rejoice! We’ve stumbled upon some extremely juicy intel regarding your second favorite Biden to shit on. Is it Hunter’s laptop, you ask? Not a chance. That’s so yesterday’s news cycle.

What we have in our possession is far more scandalous. Of course, I’m talking about Hunter Biden’s iPod Nano from 2006 perfectly preserved in its original format. Turns out you can find a lot of old Apple products while rummaging around someone’s trash. That’s called investigative journalism. And trust us, what’s on this iPod is way worse than some nerd laptop.

For one, it’s got a bunch of Dave Matthews Band on it. In 2006, Hunter was one of those guys. But that would explain all those shirtless pictures of himself smoking cigarettes in a bathtub. Honestly, if willfully enjoying “Crash Into Me” isn’t a sign that you’re an enemy of the state, I don’t know what is.

Moving on, we see that Biden junior has a bunch of EDM on his iPod. Clearly, his drug use took him to a dark place that required repetitive beats and electronic instruments. Why else would anyone listen to that?

And if you thought a guy liking “Fight Club” was a huge red flag, wait until you see Hunt’s “Fight Club” soundtrack he’s got on here. Just wow. Real “I’ve had professional relations with Russian oligarchs” energy.

Now for the juiciest part of all. Get this. On his iPod Nano, Hunter Biden has bands called Björk and Sigur Rós. I’ve never heard of these bands before but obviously, they’re from the Ukraine. Just look at the spellings of those band names! Like, how Ukrainian does the song title “Viðrar vel til loftárása” sound to you? Anyway, this unquestionably proves the connection between Hunter Biden and Ukraine. I’m not sure why that’s bad but this is unequivocal evidence of that.

We got you, Hunter. This iPod Nano we stole from you for journalistic purposes proves everything, whatever it is your opponents are trying to prove.

Guy Wearing Pantera Shirt Can Totally Pull Some Strings and Get You on the Ferris Wheel for Free

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CANASTOTA, N.Y — A rough-looking carnival worker sporting a Pantera shirt responsible for running a Ferris wheel made it certain he could give you and your friends a ride free of charge, you confirmed after noticing the staggering amount of empty beer cups surrounding the man.

“I hate to sound all cliche and all,” Carnie worker Wendell Pratt said with a slight slur to his speech. “But I really am a big deal here at the carnival. Us Pratts have had our finger on the pulse of the Ferris wheel game for generations, so I can let a couple of lucky cards slide in free of charge here and there if I choose. I don’t do it for anyone though, but usually if I’m tanked enough, or if you’re wearing a super funny hat with a swear on it or something, I can look the other way, brother”

Initially, you were reluctant to take the drunken carnie up on his free ride offer, but it was just too good to resist.

“At first I thought to myself, ‘no fuckin’ way am I getting on this Vinnie Paul looking fucker’s rickety-ass Ferris wheel,” You said while stepping aside to get away from all the secondhand smoke and loose screw falling from the ride. “But I was pretty broke, and my girlfriend really wanted to people-watch from the highest point of the carnival, so we decided to take him up on his offer. Only one of the four people in our group suffered minor injuries, and could have been worse if they didn’t have a tetanus shot.”

George T. Racker of the Racker and Sons traveling carnival expressed his frustration with catching on to his employees giving free rides away.

“I’m getting really goddamn sick and tired of finding out these pricks are letting any random rube take a ride without paying,” Racker exclaimed. “I don’t know what the connection is between guys wearing shitty metal band shirts and thinking they’re big shit. There’s a guy who wears a Mudvayne shirt every day, and I constantly catch him hitting on middle-aged moms and letting their kids ride on the tilt-a-whirl for free! Either I need to change my vetting process for new hires, or implement a new five drink maximum.”

At press time, you and your group of friends were seen avoiding a man in a Metallica shirt who was drunkenly offering you a chance to win a giant stuffed Shrek for your girlfriend.