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Last Limewire User Enters Apartment to Find Lars Ulrich Sitting with Silenced Pistol

EUGENE, Ore. — Rory Spears, the last remaining user of the file-sharing platform Limewire, was shocked to enter his apartment and find Metallica drummer and anti-piracy advocate Lars Ulrich sitting in a chair with a silenced pistol.

“Everyone knows you’re going to get your place broken into eventually,” said Spears, raising his hands while Lars Ulrich wordlessly brought one finger to his lips. “Especially here in the Whit[eaker Neighborhood]. But nobody expects it to be the drummer of the iconic heavy metal band Metallica. You also don’t expect him to motion with his gun for you to face the corner of your living room while your heart begins to beat faster and faster. Shit, I didn’t even download any Metallica. I just got a shitty rip of ‘Rust in Peace.’”

Tina Grimes, a local woman and family member of a previous victim, could relate to Spears’ situation.

“It’s incredibly fucked up,” said Grimes. “My brother Alan downloaded a cover of ‘Enter Sandman’ by some shit band in Oklahoma and forgot to use a VPN, and the very next day, Lars Ulrich garroted him in an alley. This happens all the time and the cops do nothing. He’s a fucking menace, a one-man murder wave. Lars is like the goddamn Punisher, except for anyone who has ever used Limewire, Gnutella, Napster, Freenet, even eDonkey2000 even once.”

Herman Shaw, an attorney specializing in music entertainment law, and currently under retainer for Metallica had an explanation.

“Although Mr. Ulrich’s actions may seem… extreme,” said Shaw while drafting a cease-and-desist letter to Spears’ family, “he is perfectly within his rights, and in fact financially obligated to defend his intellectual property. Most Americans do not realize the extent to which copyright law makes Mr. Ulrich’s more diabolical and tortuous methods not only legal, but practically moral. Bands like Metallica do not continue to have a thriving presence in pop culture, as seen in the recent hit Netflix series Stranger Things, without occasionally leaving an infringing corpse behind.”

As of press time, Ulrich was leaving Spears’ apartment while wiping the grip of his unregistered ghost gun and depositing it in a garbage can.