Rockabilly Singer in Vintage Chevelle Late for BBQ After Accidentally Driving in Five Small Town Parades

Posted on by Chris Bratton

WENONAH, N.J. — Local rockabilly legend Rex Thompkins of the band “Rex and the Groovebacks” is currently stuck behind a group of fez-adorned Shriners in a small town parade for the fifth time today, sources waving small American flags confirmed.

“There is no way the potato salad I made this morning is still good. This car doesn’t have AC and it’s just been sitting in the backseat roasting in the son,” said Thompkins as he slowly made his way through another quaint downtown area. “I was supposed to be at a party three hours ago, but it seems like every time I cross into a new town some old guy redirects straight into the middle of another goddamn parade. It’s not the worst thing in the world to have people admire my ride, but in the last town, a guy and his dog hopped in my backseat and started waiving. He said the dog was the town’s mayor or something, but I was just worried about my upholstery. I knew I should have taken the highway.”

Onlookers were first enthralled by the loud revving of the 1968 Chevelle but it quickly became clear that something was awry.

“It was thrilling to see that car, I told my grandson I used to have one when I was a teenager and I would drive all around town with my friends raising Cain. But then things turned sour he started honking his horn, calling everyone wet rags and saying how our town was bullshit,” local drugstore owner Chip Turner complained. “He was not being very patriotic for one. We assumed he was some sort of paid entertainer like how I paid someone to be a Spider-Man at my grandson’s birthday party.”

Veteran parade organizer Hope Brown says getting stuck in a parade is more common than people realize and offered these helpful tips to rockabilly fans.

“If it’s a parade-heavy holiday and you are cruising in your convertible hot rod you need to know the warning signs. If you see a marching band, crudely made floats advertising small businesses, or an entire town’s elderly population sitting in lawn chairs along the sidewalk then you have to turn around,” said Brown. “Also avoid people in crowns or wearing sashes. If you are going to comb back your slick black hair try to at least a mile away from a VFW or old fire station. And if you do get caught in a parade, be decent and unroll the cigarettes out of the sleeve of your white t-shirt.”

At press time, Thompkins was further delayed when his old lady was asked to pose for pin-up modeling shots for a local calendar.

Help! I Read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” and I’m Still a Broke Coward!

Posted on by John Danek

The goal of a man is to identify his weaknesses, eliminate them, and then start crushing life right in the asshole. At least, that’s what my constant intake of wisdom from Tim Ferris, Tai Lopez, Jordan Belfort, and other cool white and white-ish guys has taught me.

No tome is more frequently recommended by my sociopathic idols than Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” Ostensibly a collection of tactics for obsolete military battles, this book actually contains secrets and strategies for manipulating everyone around you, bending opponents to your will, and making it rain like Jeff Bezos at a human trafficking auction.

But there’s just one problem. I’ve read this boring-ass book like 4 times now, and I’m still a broke coward!

First of all, nothing in this book translates to my life at all. The opening chapter is all about planning, but it doesn’t tell me what to plan. I have no skills or ideas for anything whatsoever, and I am extremely risk-averse. I once decided to play the lottery and was so distraught at the prospect of losing that I couldn’t even watch them read the numbers on TV. So what the fuck am I supposed to plan?

Chapter 5 is all about momentum and wielding your energy. Ok, well, I sleep about 15 hours per day and spend most of the other time streaming myself playing Conker’s Bad Fur Day on Twitch to an audience of up to 3 while my mom pays my rent. Again, not seeing how anything in this chapter can help me become the multi-millionaire felon I dream of being.

It ends with possibly the most bewildering chapter, which is about gaining intelligence via spies. Easy for you to say, Sun Tzu, who probably had like dozens of friends. But what if someone like me, a friendless dummy with a very wet cough, wants to wage war? Did you ever think of that? No, you fool.

So don’t believe the hype. Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” sucks absolute shit and won’t help you make any scratch. But maybe watching Glengarry Glen Ross for the 22nd time will?

Opinion: Life Was Simpler in the ’90s When I Had No Bills, Responsibilities, or Understanding of the World

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

The 1990s were such a simpler time in America where, truly, we as a country didn’t have any major troubles or conflicts. It is just a coincidence that it was during a time in my life when I was a child with zero burdens, complete indifference to politics, and my frontal lobe wasn’t fully formed. It was a peaceful period after the cold war where America had little to no problems, at least from what I remember.

We didn’t have cell phones, social media, or climate change and we also didn’t have jobs, children, or mortgages.

Racism was basically erased in the ’90s, movies like Friday allowed white kids like me to understand what life was like in the inner city and we were free to quote The Notorious B.I.G. The only pandemic I had to worry about was how the movie Titanic took over the world for most of 1997. Not to mention that our parents worked so hard for some reason that we were unsupervised and allowed to do basically anything we wanted.

And it wasn’t just because almost all pop culture was geared towards straight white male teens, like me. MTV played music, movies weren’t all CGI, and the only war we had to worry about was the Monday night wrestling war between WWE and WCW. I’ll admit that not having to grocery shop or cook a single meal for myself, let alone other people, might have taken some of the pressure but the 90s has three quality Star Trek shows; sometimes running concurrently!

Now music is just mumbling, all TV is politically correct mush, and they’re all like a hundred different kinds of sexuality. Nowadays, people are accountable for their actions and it is impossible to remain willfully ignorant of the plight of the world thanks to the 24-hour news cycle. Sure CNN existed in the ’90s but I didn’t watch it.

I couldn’t imagine being a kid growing up in the current decade. I feel sorry for them honestly.

“I’m a Loser, Baby, So Why Don’t You Kill Me?” Says Millennial Not Quoting Beck

Posted on by John Danek

JESSUP, Md. — Depressed, despondent millennial Harry Chalke confused those around him when he unwittingly quoted Beck’s “Loser” while summarizing his current state of mental health, worried friends reported.

“I started saying I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?’ and everyone was like ‘I love Beck’ and I didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about, I was just making a statement, and asking to be put out of my misery,” said Chalke, who hates alternative radio rock and listens exclusively to SoundCloud rap. “I don’t even know why my girlfriend Debra stays with me. Her sister Jenny hates me. I basically have nothing to my own name except two turntables and a microphone, but my DJ career is in tatters. I can’t get booked anywhere. It’s like… wow. It’s like right, right now? My life just sucks shit.”

Beck, the creator of countless infectious songs which have seeped into the collective consciousness, was initially alarmed by Chalke’s usage of his lyrics.

“At first I thought this kid was attempting to steal my intellectual property which isn’t a very cool move,” said Beck, who was voted People Magazine’s #1 Person Who Kinda Looks Okay in a Fedora Sometimes. “But then I realized he likely isn’t super aware of me. His parents probably listened to ‘Mellow Gold’ while they were fighting their way through a divorce or something. So I just feel bad for him. I wish he could experience the complete lack of caring and consequence we Gen Xers enjoy. Wait, that last sentence could be a killer lyric.”

Researchers note an uptick in millennials and Gen Z unintentionally quoting some of the most melodramatic and self-loathing lyrics from the generations before them.

“It’s not uncommon for the lyrics of previous decades’ hits to embed themselves into the subconsciousness and come out during times of difficulty,” said Dr. Kathy Barnhorn, a research psychologist with a private practice in Baltimore. “Gen X especially touted a sense of nihilism and apathy, but it was largely a facade. They had good MTV, great metal bands on the radio, and porked so, so much more than millennials, who really got the short end of the historical stick.”

Chalke’s situation has reportedly taken a turn for the worse, as he has been frequently heard muttering “I hate myself and want to die” while never acknowledging he had been listening to Nirvana.

Crowd Surfer Incessantly Ridicules Crowd Boogie Boarder

Posted on by Michael Luis

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Veteran crowd surfer Eddie Wang openly mocked crowd boogie boarder Erik Denton after riding the audience at a Huntington Beach punk show last night, non-stoked onlookers confirmed.

“I don’t know who the fuck that guy thinks he is coming into my local venue and cruising on top of my friends with that stupid fucking pieces of styrofoam,” explained Wang. “These crowd boogie boarders are a bunch of posers that ruin the whole vibe. They always dive during the best parts, they have no pit etiquette, and I want them gone. See this scar? This is from landing on a guy with a spiky jacket at a Pennywise show in 1997. I used to crowd surf every year at the Warped Tour, even after they banned it. Talk to me when you’ve paid your dues!”

Despite receiving a string of insults that included “booger boarder,” “boogie woogie,” and “dickless fuckhead with no friends,” Denton is unfazed and intends to continue his passion.

“He poured a beer on my board, which just rolled right off because it’s waterproof, but it was still pretty mean,” said Denton. “But I love the feeling of crowd boogie boarding and am never going to stop. We spend just as much time on top of people as any surfer. One day we’ll get the respect we deserve! I mean, look at scooter kids. Skaters used to rip on them all the time, and now they just rip on them some of the time. That’s something for us to strive for.”

Marvin Alton, a crowd surfing historian from the University of Southern California, says this is an all too common interaction.

“Crowd surfing is something that takes years to master,” explains Alton. “You have to time the perfect jump, make sure to only crush the people you don’t like, and stick the landing when the crowd carries you down. Crowd boogie-boarding is comparatively easier to pick up, so crowd surfers view them as lesser. However, things get even more tumultuous when you bring in crowd wakeboarders. They ride a full motorboat on top of the crowd. I’ve heard of crowd members getting cut from the spinning rotor blades or who choked on the gas fumes. Suffice to say, everyone hates them.”

As of press time, Wang and Denton have now put aside their differences to mourn a recently deceased crowd-kayaker they both knew who crowd-drowned.

Sexual Tension Completely One-Sided

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Rumors of sexual tension between Martin’s Super Market employees Jordan Williams and Jackie Martinez were determined to be completely one-sided, nosy co-workers confirm.

“Jordan has been so weird since I caught him vaping in the break room a few weeks ago and didn’t report it to the store manager. He’s a nice guy, but I was just protecting the proletariat, I wasn’t trying to be ‘fun and flirty.’ These supermarket fat cats have him one strike away from unemployment, and we need every vote we can get for union ratification,” the deli employee remarked while adding a comma to the price of cheese. “Now it sort of feels like he’s doing some low-level stalking in order to keep bumping into me around the store and it’s getting annoying. I’m already in a devoted throuple, so I don’t have the time, energy, or libido to deal with another person. I hope he didn’t get the wrong idea.”

When questioned about the perceived tension, Williams believes it was only a matter of time before a first date was on the books..

“Jackie and I are definitely gonna hook up. She wants me so bad–she comes to the produce department just to say flirty stuff like, ‘Hey! Get off TikTok and help this old woman find bok choy!’ Jackie tries to act professional, but one day, we’ll sneak into the cooler and have the craziest sex this regional Midwestern supermarket refrigeration unit has ever seen,” an enthusiastic Williams explained while liking every one of Martinez’s Instagram photos from 2015. “Why else would Jackie DM me articles about workers’ rights and invite me to rallies via all-staff emails? She wants it bad.”

Relationship expert Dr. Dennis Nowaski believes the pandemic created an intense need for connection which has led to record numbers of men confusing generosity for burning sexual desire.

“Since social media, online dating, and Covid have broken society, there are throngs of men mistaking basic human decency for sexual advances,” Dr. Nowaski declared during a speech about the intimacy crisis. “A woman that helps you find your brand of antifungal foot cream at the new CVS is not subtly suggesting a broom closet bang. People do good deeds out of the goodness of their heart, not the lusty fire burning in their loins. Horny is not an emotion.”

At press time, William’s mistook a compliment from a male coworker about his new haircut for a sexual proposition and immediately reported it to HR.

We Got Kicked in the Face by a Horse and Now We Can’t Stop Winning Country Music Awards

Posted on by James Knapp

A couple of weeks back we rewatched “City Slickers” and thought it would be cool to visit an actual dude ranch. One thing led to another and long story short, Clydesdale decided to remove most of our teeth with its horse foot (we think it’s called a shoe). To make matters worse, since this face kick happened we’ve been completely inundated with country music awards that we “won” despite having no connection to country music culture outside of this incident.

To be clear, we have not recorded any country music, we did not make a music video starring a tractor, and we can’t even remember the last time we listened to a country song, both because it has been a staggeringly long time as well as the massive concussion that resulted from that horse’s roundhouse. So how exactly is it that we continue “winning” CMAs against our will without the slightest scrap of output?

Two words: “Horse magic.”

Now we know that might sound crazy, but after we were given the award for ‘Vocal Duo of the Year whilst alone and still unable to open our jaws, it started to make sense. There was some sort of mystic, fiddle power, controlled by the ghost of Hank Williams, that country-fried its way into that horse’s shoe and then transferred its way into us when the beast decided to see how good our dental plan was (turns out, bad).

It’s the only explanation that makes any sense! How else would you explain the ‘Lifetime Achievement Award: Hootenanny Category’ trophy we were delivered earlier today by a man wearing three straw hats at the same time. Colossal brain damage? Nope! It’s a horse curse.

So where do we go from here? Hard to say exactly. We’re pretty sure the only way to remove the magic from our body is to beat the horse that put it on us in a fair race, but there’s no way we can run that fast. For now, it appears we’re stuck with being continuously granted country music awards against our interest or health.

Does anyone wanna buy any of these awards so we can finally pay a doctor to reconstruct our gums?

Punk Audiophile Spends $2,000 on Turntable to Listen to Album Recorded on Beer Soaked 4-Track in Basement

Posted on by Dave McNamara

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Graphic Designer Terry Spinoza recently spent nearly two thousand dollars on an Audio Perfektion turntable in order to listen to his collection of poorly produced and recorded LPs, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“Last month I spent about five hundred bucks on the first pressing of S.V.A.’s (Situationally Violent Adolescents) debut ‘We the Kids Are Together in This Until the End.’ It got me thinking that if I’m spending all this cash on vinyl, shouldn’t I buy a decent record player to listen to them on?” said Spinoza, sitting in the “vinyl room” of his apartment just outside of Davis Square. “I did my research and I settled on the AP10. As soon as I plugged it in I could hear the difference right away. The muddy guitar tones, the washed-out bass lines, the overblown drums. It was so much warmer and abrasive at the same time. It was like I was in the Allston basement where they recorded it.”

Day laborer and former singer of the S.V.A., Ian ‘Jabs’ Jabrowski, spoke about recording the band’s debut back in the summer of 1983.

“I don’t even think we had 4-tracks. More like three,” said Jabrowski as he took a break from hauling sheets of plywood. “We only had two microphones so we put one in the kick drum and propped another up on a pile of empty beer cans in the middle of the room. For vocals, I just screamed right into the little mic hole on the Tascam itself. I remember not being able to hear anything, just a wash of cymbals bouncing off the cinderblock walls. But when we
listened back, you could actually kinda make out the songs.”

Jonas Müller, Head Acoustic Engineer at Audio Perfektion, has concerns about the rise in turntables sales over the last few years.

“For years, only lovers of the symphony would buy our turntables,” said Müller while calibrating the tonearm on a new prototype. “Then vinyl became popular and now there’s backorder until next St. Stephen’s Day. We engineer our equipment to the highest specifications. Each cartridge must reproduce three times the bandwidth of human hearing before it can leave our facility. They are really meant for Deutsche Grammophon quality vinyl, not some Lana Del Ray album bought at Target. The lowest quality music that should be listened to on any Audio Perfektion equipment would be Steely Dan, but I don’t recommend even that.”

At press time, Spinoza was investing several more thousand dollars into a surround sound speaker system in order to watch his collection of ‘90s skate videos on VHS.

Single Man With Sword Collection Cannot Figure Out This Online Dating Thing

Posted on by Chris Bratton

PHILADELPHIA — Locally sword enthusiast, and painfully single man, Dan Gorman admits he ‘hasn’t quite cracked the code’ of online dating but remains optimistic, confirmed friends from various message boards.

“When I bought my first ninja stars at a flea market I never expected someday I would own multiple katanas and a replica of the braveheart sword. But even with all of this, no girl wants me to take care of them, to protect them,” said Gorman while admiring his collection of elongated blades. “Whenever I match with someone I ask if they want to meet up at a park and they seem enthusiastic, then when I offer to reenact scenes from my favorite Samurai movies they stop responding. I’ve sent multiple messages to customer support because I think there must be a glitch in my app.”

Angela Harvey who proclaims she loves nerds had this feedback on the heavily armed man’s profile.

“These were some of the most alarming profile photos I’ve ever seen. The swords are front and center and they are always much cleaner than his shirts. The blades look dangerously sharp but he looks like he hasn’t shaved in weeks but somehow also isn’t growing a beard,” said Harvey. “Guys that love anime, play quidditch, and collect train memorabilia; I welcome it all. But something about a guy not smiling in front of shiny weaponry is unsettling on so many different levels.”

Online dating Madi Loewen offered more insights into the mistakes she saw in Gorman’s profile.

“He had so many common tropes in his photos, but they all seemed a bit more threatening because of the swords. We’ve all seen the ‘holding a fish guy,’ well Dan took that to the next level by posting a still shot of him slicing a fish in half with a sword,” said Loewen. “ Usually a picture with a niece or nephew says you want people to think you are a family person. But Dan once again messed that up by having the sword next to the children’s necks almost like he was holding them hostage. Don’t expect to attract a lot of dates when every photo looks like a direct threat.”

Gorman admitted he will be taking a brief break from the dating game while he moves apartments and remains hopelessly optimistic that he will get his security deposit back after spackling all the holes created by mounting 15 swords in his living room.

We Tried Vegan Footwear and It Tastes a Little Like Grass

Posted on by Rachel Steele

We’re willing to try anything once. Granted, no one really asked but we tried a new, healthy snack called “vegan footwear.” Here’s our unsolicited review.

The vegan lifestyle certainly isn’t for everyone and after trying this snack, we’re still on the fence. The first brand we tried was from Adidas and, admittedly, it took a while for us to figure out how to cook it. Most vegan experts recommend trying new foods alongside something familiar, so we poured a tallboy PBR over it and dove right in. Sadly, much like many vegan foods, it tasted like faux fur and a fistful of grass.

Next, we had the idea to mix a different brand into a smoothie. We mixed a cup of frozen berries, kale, Guinness, a KSO Evo (size 7), and about half a bag of sugar. Don’t worry, even though the blender caught fire and the whole building had to evacuate, we still enjoyed a melted KSO dip with some tortilla chips. This might be the best way to eat vegan footwear. And don’t forget the cigarettes! They really made the meal complete.

We know what you’re thinking. “They probably think they’re better than everyone just because they tried a vegan snack.” Well, we can assure you this couldn’t be further from the truth. None of us felt any undeserved sense of superiority after trying vegan footwear. We only felt a stabbing pain in our stomach that was likely unrelated. It’s unclear why anyone would willingly eat a gross snack like this but maybe there is something to this whole veganism thing we just can’t see.