SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Rumors of sexual tension between Martin’s Super Market employees Jordan Williams and Jackie Martinez were determined to be completely one-sided, nosy co-workers confirm.
“Jordan has been so weird since I caught him vaping in the break room a few weeks ago and didn’t report it to the store manager. He’s a nice guy, but I was just protecting the proletariat, I wasn’t trying to be ‘fun and flirty.’ These supermarket fat cats have him one strike away from unemployment, and we need every vote we can get for union ratification,” the deli employee remarked while adding a comma to the price of cheese. “Now it sort of feels like he’s doing some low-level stalking in order to keep bumping into me around the store and it’s getting annoying. I’m already in a devoted throuple, so I don’t have the time, energy, or libido to deal with another person. I hope he didn’t get the wrong idea.”
When questioned about the perceived tension, Williams believes it was only a matter of time before a first date was on the books..
“Jackie and I are definitely gonna hook up. She wants me so bad–she comes to the produce department just to say flirty stuff like, ‘Hey! Get off TikTok and help this old woman find bok choy!’ Jackie tries to act professional, but one day, we’ll sneak into the cooler and have the craziest sex this regional Midwestern supermarket refrigeration unit has ever seen,” an enthusiastic Williams explained while liking every one of Martinez’s Instagram photos from 2015. “Why else would Jackie DM me articles about workers’ rights and invite me to rallies via all-staff emails? She wants it bad.”
Relationship expert Dr. Dennis Nowaski believes the pandemic created an intense need for connection which has led to record numbers of men confusing generosity for burning sexual desire.
“Since social media, online dating, and Covid have broken society, there are throngs of men mistaking basic human decency for sexual advances,” Dr. Nowaski declared during a speech about the intimacy crisis. “A woman that helps you find your brand of antifungal foot cream at the new CVS is not subtly suggesting a broom closet bang. People do good deeds out of the goodness of their heart, not the lusty fire burning in their loins. Horny is not an emotion.”
At press time, William’s mistook a compliment from a male coworker about his new haircut for a sexual proposition and immediately reported it to HR.