35-Year-old Not Expected To Live After Skipping Caffeine for One Day

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

PHOENIX — 35-year-old Cassie Lozano is in critical condition after she foolishly came to the conclusion she needed to limit her caffeine intake and decided to skip coffee for one day, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“I had talked to her before I went on my morning jog and when I came back she was passed out on the floor. She went from irritable to exhausted to comatose in the span of about an hour,” said Lozano’s roommate Edith Mitchell. “I knew I should have run to Starbucks and grabbed her something as soon as she mentioned she had a little headache. I skipped caffeine for a day once too, so I recognized all the warning signs but I was too caught up in my own routine. I tried making her a cup of tea, but by then it was too late. I wish I had called 911 when she said ‘I’m just so fucking over everything today,’ if she doesn’t pull through then I’ll never live this down.”

Mandy Garcia, one of Lozano’s coworkers, blames herself for the incident.

“When I heard Cassie was in the ICU my heart sank,” said Garcia. “I don’t drink any caffeine, and Cassie had been asking me about it lately because she’s been wanting to make some lifestyle changes. But the huge difference is I’m only 26. Cassie is much older than me, nearly 35. She can’t just quit cold turkey, she needs to ween herself off slowly. Completely quitting coffee would be like suggesting that my grandma become an ultramarathoner. It’s a death sentence.”

Dr. Lorena Reese says it is not uncommon for someone in their mid-30s to have their body simply give out after being deprived of caffeine, even for just a few hours.

“I’m saddened, but not surprised, a sudden lack of caffeine could permanently damage the old, old brain of someone born in the late ‘80s,” said Dr. Reese. “People in their mid-thirties often believe their bodies are capable of withstanding much more than they actually are. If you’re 35 or older, I beg you, err on the side of believing that your body and brain will not survive the smallest change. If you’re lucky enough that your body is even a little bit functional at that age, just keep doing what you’re doing and don’t push your luck.”

At press time, Lozano was being moved to a different hospital bed to make room for a 37-year-old who had eaten dairy without taking a Lactaid pill first.

Oh Fuck: That’s What Podcast Host Looks Like?

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

I’ve been listening to this podcast for a while now, and I could probably recognize the hosts’ voices from a mile away. Yet, I have no idea what one of them actually looks like. Probably just looks like a dude with a podcast, right? I saw the other guy do stand-up in San Diego last year and he pretty much looked how I expected. Well, time to find out for sure!

Well, I’ll be damned. That’s what he looks like?

It’s definitely him. It’s his verified Twitter and everything. But I still can’t make the connection between the guy who I’ve devoted hundreds of hours listening to talk about the social implications of Gossip Girl and the images looking back at me.

He’s pretty good-looking. I mean, I didn’t think he’d be unattractive. I just thought he’d look like the other guy, just kind of normal. But no, he’s pretty hot. I figured he’d have a beard or something, but he’s completely clean-shaven. And his hair is dirty blond? I thought it’d be brown and that he’d be balding.

I’m not saying podcast hosts all look the same. But if you ask me to describe what your typical pop culture podcast host looks like, he would not fit my description. But from now on, every time I hear him talk about Chace Crawford’s eyebrows or how Blake Lively pronounces certain words, I’m going to be imagining how he looks like he runs a mineral water-based startup.

Why does his voice sound like that? He has a pretty nasally Midwestern accent. Which, again, is no big deal. But it just doesn’t match this image at all. He has to know, right? Like, it has to have visibly shaken people when he’s spoken in public.

His name is “Alan.” People named Alan don’t look like this, right?

Maybe it just feels weird because I’m looking at pictures. Let me click one of these vlogs he does. That’ll probably make a big difference.

Shit, it just feels weirder now. Like it’s his voice but he’s dubbing over a guy who could get a speaking role on Succession if he knew the right people.

Whatever, though. It’s not like I’m gonna stop listening. Especially not when they’re about to talk about the Armie Hammer arc.

Oh fuck, that’s what his wife looks like?

Setlist Hoping It Goes Home with Someone Hot

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — The setlist for headlining band Numb Numbers is hoping that it goes home with some super-hot member of the audience, preferably that blonde who clapped a few times, reports indicate.

“Look, this was a pretty killer performance,” said the damp setlist, which was wedged under a stage monitor at local venue The Jackawolf. “I don’t like to boast, but I’m a pretty key element of this band’s show, reminding them that they’re playing “Alone Forever (For Now)” for the encore if they’re allowed to do an encore, keeping everybody on the same page when they get too drunk to know what they are doing. I’m basically indispensable and as such, think I deserve to have a hottie take me home tonight. I don’t care if it’s a dude or a chick, they just better look like they’ve seen the inside of a gym.”

“I will not go home with anyone less than a 7.5,” added the setlist. “Definitely not, unless the crowd really thins out.”

Jackawolf bartender/venue owner Walter Corrigan was dismissive of the setlist’s aspirations.

“Every setlist thinks they’re king fuck of shit mountain. It should be thankful we even allowed it to be partially taped to the stage,” said Corrigan. “At the end of the night, they’re going to go home with whoever picks them up. What’s this piece of scrap paper have going for it? Sure, it lets everyone know the band covers ‘Mr. Brightside, but it’s not like it’s the same set list the band used when they opened for Carlos D’s solo project eight years ago.”

The setlist from Fresh Eggz, the previous night’s band, was not optimistic about its successor’s chances.

“When you’re up there in the spotlight, the applause is like a drug,” said Fresh Eggz’s discarded setlist. “I really expected I was going to get taken home by some sexy young thing or even a sensual mature thing or eventually some borderline acceptable, indeterminately aged thing, but it just never happened for me. Then I just got swept up with all the cigarette butts and dumped in the trash with the other garbage nobody wanted. But you have to hope. You always have to hope.”

As of press time, the Numb Numbers set list was getting concerned after it spotted the guitarist’s discarded pick being taken home by a straight-up 10.

Photo by Jana Miller.

How to Save $300 a Month by Making Coffee at Home and Stealing From the Self-Checkout

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Money management has been a hot topic lately, and with there being no signs of the cost of living going down anytime soon, even the most frivolous spenders are trying to practice frugality. If you’re finding yourself needing to slash your monthly budget, saving hundreds is as easy as making coffee at home, and casually stealing items at the self-checkout of your favorite mega-corporations.

You’re likely used to hearing condescending financial advice from people with multiple vacation homes; cut out the fancy lattes, ditch the avocado toast, skip out on the little treat to help you cope with the hell world we are living in because it isn’t on sale. You could do that, and slowly rob yourself of all things that bring you joy because you don’t “need it.” Or you could just steal them.

Take coffee for instance. For the person who visits Starbucks every morning and spends five dollars on their drink, they’re looking at $150 a month, and that’s assuming they’re only drinking a cup a day. That person could instead buy a large bag of coffee beans or grounds, and a box of filters for about $15. Better yet, they could turn down the volume on the self-checkout, put their hand over the item’s code, and time their “scan” with that of the customer standing next to them, leading to a savings of $150 a month!

But why stop with coffee? In addition to saving hundreds, stealing from the self-checkouts of mega-corporations that don’t pay a living wage while the executives ride on private jets can be quite thrilling. That Whole Foods brand hummus is going to taste even sweeter knowing your hard-earned money isn’t lining Jeff Bezo’s pockets. Experience the rush of feeling like you’re sticking it to the Walton’s by lifting a loaf of bread. After all, they’ve done their part in creating the economic conditions that lead people to steal in the first place.

An extra $300 a month goes a long way! You might get to pay off your credit card or even take a vacation before ultimately giving that money to your landlord when they raise the rent. If that time comes, and you find yourself needing to score additional five-finger discounts, just remember to never lift everything from one store, and be mindful about the weight of an item before placing it in your bag.

CVS Worker Receives Blank Stare After Asking Woman How She Is Doing in Semi-Permanent Hair Dye Aisle

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

GREEN BROOK, N.J. — CVS employee Martin Jackson received a harrowingly blank stare from a customer after naively asking how she was doing while she browsed options in the hair dye aisle, confirmed management.

“It was just a normal day greeting customers when I found a young woman crouched next to the hair dye. I realized she hadn’t moved an inch in over five minutes so I finally asked if I could help her with anything,” said Jackson while splashing cold water onto his face in the store’s break room. “I get it. Not many customers like making small talk, so I wasn’t expecting much from our interaction. But when we locked eyes, I could tell she was going through something. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days and her tired eyes didn’t look at me, they looked through me. It was as if she just witnessed a thousand deaths and their souls ripped from their bodies, but I was just trying to be helpful.”

An onlooking customer recounts her experience witnessing the interaction.

“I overheard an employee making small talk with another customer and the whole exchange was unsettling,” said CVS ExtraCare Rewards member Sharon Lewis. “I peered over the shelf to see a young woman doing a weird crab walk while holding two boxes of green hair dye. She was dead silent other than a few grunts and maybe a low hiss, and she had the most gut-wrenching look of emptiness in her eyes. The employee tried to engage, but the woman seemed to be in her own world, just lost. I was so thankful that the entire interaction was over, but as soon as he left, I looked over the shelf again to see the woman balled up on the ground quietly sobbing, surrounded by boxes of Arctic Fox hair dye.”

Board-certified psychologist Dr. Maxine Franklin is one of the most well-regarded voices in the field of stress management.

“It’s very common for someone going through intense mental distress to induce drastic cosmetic changes,” said Dr. Franklin. “I have seen many patients choose to shave their head, dye their hair, pierce their eyebrow, get a throat tattoo, and the list goes on, all to cope with the unbearable amount of stress. Then again, you don’t really need a degree in psychology to know that a box of twelve-dollar drug store hair dye is usually not the purchase of a fiscally or mentally stable person.”

At press time, witnesses reported seeing the woman at the nearby QuickMart entering her eighth hour of staring at frozen dinners.

Joe Biden Is a Huge Loser, but I Can Fix Him

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

Look, I’m not a fool. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Joe Biden is a catch in his current state. He hasn’t forgiven any student debt, he’s failed to stop a pandemic from tearing through the country’s population, and he just kind of stood there shrugging while Roe v. Wade was overturned. But to me? That’s nothing.

I’ve fixed bigger losers than him in my sleep. They said it couldn’t be done, and yet I did it anyway, over and over again with every man I’ve ever dated. That’s why I’m so good at it now, and why I should be entrusted with making Biden into a strapping, stately 79-year-old presidential stud.

Just look at my track record. Before I worked my magic, my ex-boyfriend Eric used to sit around eating Bugles and playing Nintendogs all day. Then I spent years pouring energy into asking him to improve himself in even one measurable way. And now? He owns an Amazon dropshipping business that hardly ever gets in legal trouble.

My previous ex, Justin, was on house arrest for most of our relationship due to his penchant for committing credit card fraud. And after I was done with him? Technically no one knows where he is now, so by definition, he’s no longer on house arrest. Clearly, I know what I’m doing.

Like all the men in my life, Biden is a mess of broken promises, bumbling excuses, and a total unwillingness to admit that he has the power to change anything. But I can tell that he’s a diamond in the rough, and that can honestly be kind of hot.

Remember when Biden gave all U.S households four free Covid tests? It was almost two years into the pandemic and made no exception for households with more than 4 people, but it showed how sensitive he is deep down. And then later he even gave us a few more, without really announcing it or making it clear how to get them! He’s too shy to take the credit, and that’s cute as hell.

Sure, Biden is still a little rough around the edges. He hasn’t ended for-profit detention centers, and his track record on fracking isn’t exactly making me slide off my seat. But give me some time with him. If I just spend years aggressively changing his policies and his wardrobe for him, he’ll be an eligible hunk by the time he’s 83.

At the very least, I know he won’t just sit around all day smoking weed, because he hasn’t decriminalized it.

Music Fan Cuts Down Size of Rare Vintage Poster to Fit $8 Walmart Frame

Posted on by Rob Ryder

BALTIMORE — Local music fan and memorabilia collector Eric Castro chopped several inches off an extremely rare Fugazi tour poster in order to place it in an $8 frame from Walmart, confirmed sources who can’t stop hyperventilating.

“At first I just taped it to the wall, and I thought it looked pretty good hanging in the kitchen, but then I splashed some milk on it when I threw a cereal bowl into the sink. That’s when I realized I should take better care of my investment and put it in a frame,” said Castro. “Naturally, framing comes with a price. I had to trim a few inches off each side of the poster to get it to fit, but it still looks fine, I barely even cut into the graphic. I saved the pieces I shaved off, so I could definitely tape the whole thing back together in a pinch, I guarantee no one would even notice the seams.”

Costa’s friend of over 20 years Ted Reiman witnessed the cropping of the poster.

“The second he got the frame home from Walmart, he was reaching for a pair of scissors. It’s just like the goddamn pokemon cards when we were ten,” said Reiman while trying to control his anger. “I told him several times he should measure the poster before buying a frame, but he just said he’s got an ‘eye’ for this kinda thing. And when he actually started cutting it made everything so much worse. It was like watching a kindergartner who desperately needs a nap handle scissors for the first time, but instead of cutting shapes out of craft paper he was mutilating a piece of history.”

Music memorabilia vendor Terry Connors weighed in on the shocking but all too familiar story.

“These posters in good shape can go for top dollar. That era of memorabilia is extremely popular right now,” said Connors. “The real rarity is how hard they are to find in mint condition. There are so many novice collectors who basically ruin everything they touch within minutes by gluing them to a guitar case, writing crappy song lyrics on the back, or just letting them sit under their mattress where it grows mold or gets eaten by silverfish. I’d be more upset if it wasn’t driving the prices in my gallery through the roof.”

At press time, unconfirmed reports have stated the removed sections of the poster are currently on the kitchen counter under several dirty dishes and a wet sponge.

Report: Friend’s Family Eats Dinner Weird

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

BELLEVUE, Neb. — Local 12-year-old Jason Mancuso discovered that his best friend Ethan Schumacher and his entire family eat food “totally weird,” confirmed uncomfortable sources close to the middle schooler.

“I was so psyched when Ethan’s mom said I could eat dinner there, but I got a little worried when they said ‘no phones at the table.’ These psychos all sit around the same table eating food and talking about their day instead of grabbing a plate and eating it in your bedroom like a normal person,” said a discombobulated Mancuso. “When I asked if someone could get me the ketchup from the fridge, and his mom said ‘it’s right there on the counter.’ I thought it was against the law if you didn’t refrigerate ketchup. But the weirdest part was how none of the food was served in a plastic tub, it made me uncomfortable and I barely ate anything.”

Ethan Schumacher’s father Dave admitted he was confused by the behavior of their dinner guest.

“At the dinner table, Jason looked completely dazed,” said the elder Schumacher. “He picked up the silverware, which we keep in a container in the center of the table, and examined it like an ape seeing a human tool for the first time. He asked if the food was going to be normal and then he asked what time we feed our dog. I told him we don’t have a dog and he looked like he was going to faint. I almost called his parents because I thought he was having a dissociative episode.”

According to cultural anthropologist Carmen Hall, eating weird and eating like a normal person have been at odds for most of human history.

“Since the beginning of time, some families have eaten weird, while others have eaten normal. For example, my family keeps peanut butter in the cabinet, which is normal, while some of my friends’ families keep it in the fridge, which is deranged. That doesn’t have to stop anyone from being friends — unless, of course, the weird family really crosses a line by eating their pizza crust-first or something,” said Hall. “If you’re invited to a friend’s house for dinner you should consider asking ahead of time if the family has any unhinged eating habits, like enthusiastically eating those weird ends of the bread loaf that should be thrown directly in the trash.”

At press time, the Schumacher family was setting up taco night with the beans in the middle instead of at the beginning at the line.

“A24 Does It Again, a Modern Classic,” Says Reviewer Who Hasn’t Seen Film Yet

Posted on by Matt McInerney

MINNEAPOLIS — Film critic Dane Anderson, recently wrote a glowing review of the new A24 film for the pop culture blog “Prong” that was pretty light on any actual details, almost as if he never saw the movie, skeptical readers confirmed.

“Oh, yeah, I remember what I said about it. I… loved it? I said it’s, uh, not a film. It’s… an experience. Maybe I’ll just read an excerpt from my review for, let’s see, ‘Tusk 2,’” said Anderson, seemingly shocked as he glanced down at his review. “As I said, ‘A24 does it again, a modern classic. Complex yet approachable. One thing that really stood out to me is the setting. You could almost say it’s a character. I think that this is the movie America needs right now.’ So yeah, I definitely watched this movie, alright.”

Cinefile and longtime Prong reader Hattie Giles wasn’t buying this review.

“Look, I love most of what A24 puts out too, but we are talking about Kevin Smith’s weird body horror sequel, right? The one where the ‘I’m a Mac’ guy spends most of the film in a super upsetting prosthetic walrus costume?” questioned Giles. “I just didn’t get it. It read like a book report by a kid who didn’t do his summer reading. What did he love so much? The part where the main character ripped his walrus body apart and yelled, ‘snoochie boochies?’ Or the Silent Bob cameo?”

Lawrence Pratt, Anderson’s managing editor at Prong, broke down when asked for comment.

“I just want people to like me. Is that so wrong? Sure, that movie sucked. But the last time I published a bad A24 review, I got a handwritten letter from a reader calling me a ‘dumb bag of hammers with dog shit taste.’ All I did was edit a review for someone who criticized one small element of ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once,’ okay?” pleaded Pratt. “Sure, maybe I should have raised a flag when I saw a five-star review for ‘Tusk 2’ cross my desk, but come on, A24. I thought this would get these weird internet nerds to leave me alone for one day. Also, Kevin Smith’s PR team said if I can pull one quotable line from the review, they’d put us on the poster.”

At press time, Anderson was sitting at home browsing Reddit while the next movie he was assigned to review played in the background at low volume.

Trigger Warning: You May Not Enjoy My Dune Fanfic if You’re Not Into “Worm Stuff”

Posted on by Dustin Newman

Frank Herbert was obviously a genius. He created such an original, expansive universe for us all to enjoy. Much has been written and said about the ecology of Dune and how brilliantly it was detailed. It so clearly paints the picture for us of Arrakis, a desert planet, the land of spice, home to the Fremen, and of course, sandworms.

If there’s one critique I have for Herbert, it’s that for all his grand expositions, he didn’t delve as far into the sandworms as I’d have liked. And that’s where my fanfiction comes in. I would love for you to read it, but I would be remiss if I did not offer a trigger warning: If you’re not into, you know, “worm stuff,” this may not be your cup of tea.

I’ll be honest, I’m no Frank Herbert, hell I’m no Brian Herbert. But storytelling 101 dictates that when you invent creatures as majestic and glorious as the sandworms, you need to answer some basic questions about if and how they fuck. Call it Chekhov’s fuck-worm.

Sandworms are up to 450 meters long, in comparison, blue whales back here on Earth are about 33 meters long. You’re telling me it’s not worth explaining how these massive, thick, scaled creatures have coitus? I cannot and will not abide.

My magnum opus is called “Wormriding,” and I get INTO it. Again, it’s not for the faint of heart. “Wormriding” fully and singularly explores how sandworms rhythmically vibrate with one another if you catch my drift. And in case you don’t, I’m referring to the fact that they vibrate on one another to stimulate their massive sexual organs.

That warning aside, I recommend it for all fans of the original Dune, anyone with an interest in non-arthropod invertebrate animals, but mostly for people like me who’ve spent countless nights with no light in their life except the comforting glow of a screen illuminating Wattpad.com.

The universe of Dune won’t be the only thing expanding when you read Wormriding, I guarantee it.