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Setlist Hoping It Goes Home with Someone Hot

CHICAGO — The setlist for headlining band Numb Numbers is hoping that it goes home with some super-hot member of the audience, preferably that blonde who clapped a few times, reports indicate.

“Look, this was a pretty killer performance,” said the damp setlist, which was wedged under a stage monitor at local venue The Jackawolf. “I don’t like to boast, but I’m a pretty key element of this band’s show, reminding them that they’re playing “Alone Forever (For Now)” for the encore if they’re allowed to do an encore, keeping everybody on the same page when they get too drunk to know what they are doing. I’m basically indispensable and as such, think I deserve to have a hottie take me home tonight. I don’t care if it’s a dude or a chick, they just better look like they’ve seen the inside of a gym.”

“I will not go home with anyone less than a 7.5,” added the setlist. “Definitely not, unless the crowd really thins out.”

Jackawolf bartender/venue owner Walter Corrigan was dismissive of the setlist’s aspirations.

“Every setlist thinks they’re king fuck of shit mountain. It should be thankful we even allowed it to be partially taped to the stage,” said Corrigan. “At the end of the night, they’re going to go home with whoever picks them up. What’s this piece of scrap paper have going for it? Sure, it lets everyone know the band covers ‘Mr. Brightside, but it’s not like it’s the same set list the band used when they opened for Carlos D’s solo project eight years ago.”

The setlist from Fresh Eggz, the previous night’s band, was not optimistic about its successor’s chances.

“When you’re up there in the spotlight, the applause is like a drug,” said Fresh Eggz’s discarded setlist. “I really expected I was going to get taken home by some sexy young thing or even a sensual mature thing or eventually some borderline acceptable, indeterminately aged thing, but it just never happened for me. Then I just got swept up with all the cigarette butts and dumped in the trash with the other garbage nobody wanted. But you have to hope. You always have to hope.”

As of press time, the Numb Numbers set list was getting concerned after it spotted the guitarist’s discarded pick being taken home by a straight-up 10.

Photo by Jana Miller.