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Real Life Benjamin Button? This 18-Year-old Punk Is Probably Gonna Be Dead Soon

Do you remember that god-awful movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?” It starred Brad Pitt as an old baby who lives backwards and fucks a blonde lady and eventually dies of infant dementia. Also, if we’re remembering correctly, Hurricane Katrina was somehow involved.

Yeah, it wasn’t a good film. Anyway, this punk who quite recently joined the ranks of the legal adults is rapidly pursuing the same fate of entering the grave after an exhausting existence while still looking like a nicotine-stained fetus.

Though it is not at all surprising that a member of the punk community would be dying young, in this instance, it does bear a striking resemblance to the film in that this punk’s brain is also eroding all cognitive function with alarming alacrity.

Just the other day he began his normal morning routine by popping his shoulder back into its socket like he always does, but when he went for his standard breakfast of a 40 oz. of fermented Yoo-hoo, he could no longer remember what the drink was called, instead referring to it as “mean brown.” That is clearly the mentality of someone who has lived a whole life but, on paper, cannot legally rent a car.

Additionally, there’s his love life, which we will generally refer to as “whiplash-fuck city.” Yes, this punk seems relegated by whatever cruel manipulation of time and biology to never find a sexual partner that is age appropriate for him.

If he isn’t hooking up with the freshman girl at school who sells him Adderall, then he’s hooking up with the unemployed, thirty-something single mom down the block who he steals Adderall from. That is just a blueprint for contracting syphilis – which might also explain the brain decay we described earlier.

So let’s all just take a moment of silence in mourning that not only is this young punk’s life nearing its end but also that said life quite, unfortunately, parallels a D minus romance fantasy film. Also, we want to reiterate that the frame story for that whole movie, based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story, was fucking Hurricane Katrina! How the fuck did that work?