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Progressive Thrash Band Only Wears Fair Trade White High Top Shoes

MILWAUKEE — Members of local thrash metal band Differentiator recently committed to reduce environmental harm by wearing white high top shoes that are certified fair trade, sources close to the band confirmed.

“We’re at a critical point right now and we need to start making better choices or we won’t have a future in which to get completely wasted, circle pit, and party until the sun comes up,” said frontman Kevin “Ashtray” Lincoln. “The entire band went vegan after watching ‘Cowspiracy,’ all our denim is from thrift stores, and we make sure our signature white high tops are made of plant-based materials and that everyone involved in making them was paid fairly. Yes, it basically guarantees we will always be broke, but it’s the right thing to do. So next time you see us live, make sure you buy us some beer, because we’re going to need all the help we can get.”

Longtime Differentiator fan Sami Moore believes the band’s ethical message is beginning to take hold.

“I’ve heard a lot of people say they liked Differentiator’s early stuff better, and I get that. I still love listening to ‘Thrash Party at the White House’ and ‘Take Out the Thrash’ because those albums have some real metal anthems,” said Moore. “But their last album ‘Recycled Thrash’ was a masterpiece, even if every single soundbite was from ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ They just put out a new single called ‘We Can’t Party Underwater.’ It’s eight minutes long, has five guitar solos, but also concisely explains our current global climate crisis.”

Environmental activist Ezra Pardee commended the band for their dedication, but says personal responsibility is simply not enough to mitigate the damage already done.

“We need the government to regulate corporations immediately, or else we are all done for. The polar ice caps will not stop melting just because one mid-level metal band decides to pay a little bit more for their shoes,” said Pardee. “Yes, we should all do our best, but as long as major polluters are allowed to destroy our planet with no repercussions then we’re fucked. There isn’t a guitar solo loud enough, or a wall of death big enough to stop the impending apocalypse. I have heard there are multiple bands trying to convert their tour vans from gas power to beer power. That will help reduce emissions, but it’s completely untested.”

Inspired by Differentiator, local industrial band Ironwerx says all the weird mechanical sounds on their next album will come from solar-powered machinery.