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Report: Every Song on Classic Rock Playlist About Statutory Rape

SEATTLE — Dr. Sharon Oldham, Director of the International Musicology Association, recently concluded a year-long study and determined that every song on classic rock playlists curated by Spotify is about sex with minors.

“Most of us have heard these songs our whole lives, but we’ve never noticed how deeply creepy all these lyrics are,” said Dr. Oldham. “We’ve surveyed hundreds of classic rock songs and they’re literally all about seducing or coercing sex from underage women. Once you start paying attention to the lyrics, it becomes ubiquitous. And it’s all the classics. Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles…all singing about their ‘little gurl-childs.’ I actually think I just vomited a little saying that out loud.”

Iconic Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant weighed in on the social climate of the ‘70s in regards to underage relations.

“It was a different time, mate,” said Plant, while stroking a glass orb. “It’s not like we went out of our way to shag 14-year-olds, they were basically just given to us and we did nothing to stop it nor simply say no. We were basically helpless to it all. I remember one gig in ‘71 where Zeppelin was booked at a private Catholic all-girls middle school in Derbyshire. They put our dressing room in an active shower for the lacrosse team. We lost Bonzo for three days after that one. He eventually turned up on a houseboat with half the Nancy Drew Book Club. Had to be there, I guess.”

Senior Editor of Rolling Stone and longtime music journalist Donny Watts has spent much of his career writing about the golden age of rock and roll.

“It’s like you can’t say whatever you want in song lyrics anymore thanks to cancel culture,” said Watts, “When Mick Jagger is singing ‘Brown Sugar,’ sure, he’s talking about a young Black girl, but he’s also pointing his finger in the chest of Johnny Law, saying ‘look, I’m not going to be bound by the conventions of society or basic morality.’ People are too quick to judge from their self-righteous high horse. It was different back then. If we had the same set of rules that we do now, I never would have been able to marry my 16-year-old Philipino house cleaner.”

The International Musicology Association has since identified a handful of classic rock songs for Spotify that do not glorify statutory rape, but it’s just Rush’s entire discography.