Netflix Still Trying to Convince Tim Burton That Jenna Ortega Was a Better Pick for Wednesday Addams Than Johnny Depp

Posted on by Chris Taaffe

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix producers are banging their heads in frustration regarding producer Tim Burton’s insistence that Johnny Depp should have gotten the lead role in “Wednesday,” exhausted sources confirmed.

“When Tim first brought up the idea of casting Johnny Depp as Wednesday Addams I thought he was joking,” recalls executive producer Miles Miller. “Slowly, I realized that he was actually serious. We had a few arguments and eventually cast Jenna, but he just won’t let it go. Even with season one already released, he honestly thinks we can just recast Depp, a middle-aged fedora enthusiast, to play the titular teenager for season two. I don’t understand what his obsession with Johnny Depp is. We have the same conversation several times a week, and I keep telling him that a man in his late fifties simply won’t pass for a high school girl.”

Burton’s fixation on Johnny Depp has not only caused tension with show producers. Members of the cast reported feeling fed up as well.

“Oh my god, if I have to hear about Johnny Depp from him one more time I’m going to lose it,” states “Wednesday” star Jenna Ortega. “I mean, when we were on set all I heard was ‘That’s not how Johnny would do it’ and ‘Johnny usually does this’ or ‘maybe try wearing a few bandanas on your wrists and a couple dozen chain necklaces.’ Like, why would I even care about some guy who played a pirate when I was a baby? I was seriously ready to walk off and quit but I knew that would just be giving him what he wanted.”

Pop culture analyst, Anthony Farnsworth, notes that this type of behavior isn’t completely out of the ordinary for a well-known Hollywood director, such as Burton.

“Very few directors ever make a hit movie. So when you have someone who has a string of successes they tend to cling tightly to what has worked for them in the past. It can lead to an unhealthy codependent relationship with their lead actors sometimes,” Farnsworth explains. “Famously, James Cameron originally cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jack in ‘Titanic,’ and Quentin Tarantino nearly ruined his career when he insisted on Uma Thurman playing the part of Django. It’ll be interesting to see how this all plays out with Netflix.”

At press time, Burton has announced Helena Bonham Carter will be joining the cast of “Wednesday,” to take on the role of Cousin It.

I Wore My Cleanest Cradle of Filth Long Sleeve for This?

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Of my seven Cradle of Filth shirts, this one is by far the least filthy. Is there a mysterious crust on both cuffs? Sure. Is the back of my shirt absolutely covered in white dog hair? Definitely, but this is the only one without actual blood or barf on it, and I wasted a perfectly good shirt coming here.

I was content laying in bed taking shots of vodka from a plastic bottle and polishing my sword when my mom so rudely reminded me I drunkenly agreed to attend an event in this public space full of disease and dunces.

It’s not even fun because no one here wants to talk about B.C. Rich Warlocks or take rips of the Jäger in my flask.

Yeah, sometimes, it’s fun to freak out the normies, but why is everybody here is looking at me like they’ve never seen a disemboweled nun doing anal with a two-headed demon on a tee shirt?!

THIS IS ART, PEOPLE! SOMETIMES ART IS VIOLENT AND SEXY AND SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE’S WORN IT FOR THE LAST TWO NIGHTS OF A FEVER! AND I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW, BY THE WAY!

The violence portrayed on this shirt is a metaphor! A criticism of vapid consumerism! And I’m spreading the message of anti-consumerism by purchasing and wearing dozens of sexually-explicit band shirts in every imaginable social setting no matter how inappropriate! And if this shirt freaks you out, wait until you hear the band kinda play black metal.

Their sound ranges from corny to almost heavy which is pretty rad if you’re into bands more for their merch than you are for their music. If you like songs that sound like gothic period-piece audio cosplay, this band’s overly-busy longsleeves could be a great substitute for your personality, too! Plus, Cradle of Filth shirts will make all your friends that are into Red Hot Chili Peppers think of you as their metal friend!

Oh, hey! Look! Tabatha’s recital is about to start, and these edibles are kicking in! I want to snap a quick picture before our little ballerina goes onstage and eviscerates this crowd of dumb cattle!

Everybody say, ‘JESUS IS A CUUUUUUUUUUNT!’

Nation Demands More Drummers Point at Camera With Drumstick

Posted on by Vince Ratti

WEST LONG BRANCH, N.J. – A shocking new poll shows that public taste recently shifted from wanting guitarists to put their foot on a monitor while they rip a solo to demanding more drummers to point at the camera with their drumstick, stunned analysts confirmed.

“Drummers making a face like they are trying to blow out a giant birthday cake just aren’t cutting it anymore,” said Gillian Mason of fivethirtyeight.com. “I believe that this is from the isolating effects the pandemic had. People want to know that the drummer is rocking out for them specifically, and by being pointed at, that connection is made. Public opinion is king, and as such, bands should no longer expect to appease their audiences solely by having the singer ride the mic stand around the stage like a pony.”

Photojournalist Del Canning has felt the demand, but has struggled to capture the special moments.

“When I’m on the stage trying to get that perfect shot, I’ll gesture like I want them to, but instead of pointing at me with their stick, they almost always tap their in-ear monitors and shrug like I’m the fucking sound guy or something,” lamented Canning as he looked futilely at a group of film negatives. “I’ve had success in the past by holding up a sign above the camera that reads ‘Point Here If You Love Bad Tattoos,’ but drummers usually aren’t the strongest readers. Hopefully we’ll see people wanting more shots of drummers looking up and opening their mouths like they’re about to be fed by a mommy bird, because they love doing that shit for whatever reason.”

The ripples from the poll have been felt all the way to Washington.

“I want my constituents to know that I hear them,” announced Rep. Jerry McNerney, D-Calif. in a statement just hours after the poll was published. “We’re creating a task force of industry insiders consisting of retired drummers, tour managers, and kindergarten teachers to make sure every American feels the validation of a rock drummer looking them straight in the eye and playfully singling them out as if to say ‘this person right here knows what’s up.’”

At press time, the results of a different poll revealed an alarming trend of Americans not wanting to see bassists literally at all.

Sorry I Bailed on Driving You to the Emergency Room Yesterday, I Just Needed Some Me Time

Posted on by James Knapp

Hey. How ya doing, bud? Not that you asked, but I’m doing okay. I’ve just kind of been in my own head lately. And speaking of heads, it looks like your ears are bleeding a lot. You should get that checked out.

Oh yeah! I remember now! You asked me to take you to that thing yesterday. The one at the hospital. You called me up screaming about how you were “gonna die” and “this is an emergency, please help!”

I gotta tell you, that was pretty triggering for me. After that, I had to listen to ASMR clips on YouTube for five and a half hours just to chill out for a bit. You know I’m a hyper-empath. You really need to be careful what you say to me.

And can you do something about that orange foam that’s leaking out of your nose? Orange is an inherently violent color and foam is my draining texture. Can you make it chalky instead? That texture calms me.

Woah, what are you so mad about? Self-care is very important to me and if that is inconvenient for you every time you have a teensy mid-air hang glider collision and expect me to just drop my tri-daily sound meditation to drive you a full fifteen minutes to the emergency room, then that is your problem. I hope you are able to find the inner strength to not be an aura parasite.

No! I don’t have any gauze. Stop asking me that like I’m some infinite well of resources for you to plunder. Great, now I’m gonna need another decompression nap.

Look, if you can’t learn to care for yourself like an emotionally mature adult without dragging others into your traumatic-cranial-injury negativity, then I don’t think I can accept any more of your so-called “emergencies.”

Also, I find this whole “pretending to seize up and stop breathing” routine you’re doing to be very manipulative. I’m gonna go make myself a cup of support kombucha until you grow up already.

Opinion: Any Section Is a Nosebleed Section if You Do Enough Blow

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I’ve been hearing a lot of complaining about Ticketmaster and how they have a stronghold on the ticketing industry, but I’m going to tell you all a little-known secret that will make you feel better about your life! While you’re complaining about overpaying for nosebleed tickets in the form of exorbitant fees at an arena show, I’m here to tell you that any seat in any section at any club can be a nosebleed section if you do enough cocaine!

Here’s another news flash for you: The nosebleed section rules! Think about it, if you’re constantly getting gacked out of your mind, then you don’t really give a fuck where you’re sitting!

You’re going to want to sit back, clench your teeth, and smash your phone in a fit of stimulant-induced rage. Just make sure that you have vaseline and a roll of paper on hand. Trust me, you’re about to have the best fucking concert-going experience of your goddamn life! Well, you’ll be confident at least, but eventually wake up drowning in a sea of regret when you realize you’ve been snorting baby formula the last two days of your bender. But hey, that’s rock and roll, baby!

It doesn’t stop at concerts either, lots of things in life can be the nosebleed section! Traffic court? Nosebleed section. My niece’s dumb ass recital I got guilted into coming to? That shit is way more fun in the nosebleed section. I sat in the nosebleed section through my entire divorce and it fucking rocked!

You want to know where my favorite nosebleed section is though? The carnival. There are so many pretty lights and sounds, and you can win a giant stuffed panda if you can hit the target or even fly off the handle and assault the carnie running the game because he told you you’re “causing a scene, and this is supposed to be a family environment.” But let me tell you, there is no thrill more timeless than losing your stomach for the cotton candy and nachos you ate right after going onto the pirate ship. My last sneezing fit had me spiraling all sorts of fluids across the fairgrounds, and the view, the colors, the disgusted screaming from below… best seat in the house, let me tell you.

Woman Who Calls Them “Unhoused Individuals” Figures That’s Just as Good as Giving Them $5

Posted on by Matt Bieker

ASTORIA, Ore. — Local PR account manager Madison Auerbach decided there is more value in referring to people as “unhoused” in her private conversations than actually giving money to those in need, confirmed skeptical sources.

“As an ally, it’s crucial that we use the language of inclusivity when referring to the less fortunate members of our community,” said Auerbach while crossing the street to avoid a tent on the sidewalk on her walk back to work from a local lunch spot. “Reminding them and each other that just because you don’t have a house doesn’t mean that you don’t have a place in our city is the greatest service that I can provide to these modern-day heroes. If I were in that situation, what I would really want is my dignity, and I’m just happy I can provide that for them.”

Community outreach worker Jamal Walker recognized Auerbach from her vocal social media presence.

“Oh yeah, I know of her. I’ve never actually seen her at any mutual aid events, but she’s very online,” said Walker. “She always shares my posts on Facebook when we’re doing a community clean-up day or if we need people to come watch the cops while they’re doing sweeps so they don’t get violent. I mean, that’s cool and all, but I sent her a message once about volunteering down at the shelter and she got back to me about a week later saying she missed my DM but the community appreciates my leadership or something like that. She keeps claiming she has sleeping bags to donate, but somehow never drops them off.”

Troy Stevens, whom Auerbach has passed on the street multiple times while speaking loudly into her phone, says the hollow gesture is typically unhelpful compared to those who can spare whatever change they are carrying.

“Look, I don’t give a shit about what people call me,” said Stevens, who has lived in his car with his dog, Rubber, for the past 14 months. “I had an apartment right up until the landlord raised our rent 200% and my disability checks wouldn’t clear. Somehow implying this car is my ‘place in the community’ doesn’t really make my life any better. With $5 I could at least get a sandwich or something, maybe even pay for a coffee somewhere so I can get out of the rain for a minute.”

At press time, Auerbach was attempting to avoid eye contact with a man on the street while leaving a comment on the local news’ Facebook page calling the city’s police department “fascist.”

Colin Meloy Asks Rest of Decemberists if They Also See Ghost of Victorian Era Chimney Sweep

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PORTLAND, Ore. — Decemberists lead singer Colin Meloy brought recording to a halt and began frantically asking band members if they could also see the ghost of a Victorian era chimney sweep in the corner of the room, a band rep confirmed.

“I don’t know if the years of touring and singing about ne’er do wells have gone to my head, but I can’t be the only one seeing this kid, right? He’s been hanging around for a few weeks now and frankly I thought he was one of the superfans given his impeccable Dickensian getup and knowledge of 1800s maritime vernacular,” said Meloy. “I could deal with him telling me he was cold and asking if I was his dad, but walking through walls is where I draw the line. How John (Moen) missed him standing in the middle of the drumset is beyond me. So either I have the sixth sense or I need to stop re-reading Melville novels.”

Band co-founder Jenny Conlee didn’t dismiss Meloy’s claims of being followed by a spirit, but noted this wasn’t the first time he’d made similar claims.

“Colin has always had this way of giving a voice to the unfortunate and downtrodden, so much so that it’s not outside the realm of possibility that he carries these spirits with him. Not that I’ve seen any of these spirits myself, but it was a bit unnerving the first time he brought up that we need to keep ‘Edward’ from tracking soot through the green room during a band meeting,” said Conlee. “A few years back he was insistent about my accordion being possessed by a Civil War captain named Cornelius and we had to have a seance to cleanse it. So either he’s been smelling old books a little too much or we’re just now finding out he’s a spiritual medium.”

Despite the growing tension within the band, the ghost of the deceased child laborer was undaunted in his venture to befriend Meloy.

“What’s all the fuss then? One day I’m upside down in Mrs. Caldwell’s flue, next thing I know I come to and I see this bloke singing songs ‘bout prostitutes, I just figured he knew me mum. Been trying to strike up a conversation for a bit now but he gets awful mad when I walk into the toilet with him,” said the apparition. “I mean for fuck’s sake he wrote a song about me bretheren, and I got nowhere to go and nothing to do. Least he could do is let me clean up his fireplace a bit, yeah?”

As of press time, the band has become increasingly unconcerned after a visibly distraught Meloy claimed the ghost was keeping him up all night after getting stuck in his home’s HVAC system.

Cherished Mix CD Revealed as “Garden State” Soundtrack

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

NASHUA, N.H. — Local woman Shellie Eastman was shocked to discover her favorite mixed CD from her teenage years was just the soundtrack album to Zach Braff’s “Garden State,” betrayed sources report.

“My bunkmate Becca made this for me when we met at summer camp in 2004. We were inseparable because we liked random stuff like ‘Homestar Runner’ and ‘Wicked.’ We said we’d write everyday and send each other mix CDs of our favorite songs every week. In the third week, the mixes went from Barenaked Ladies and Black Eyed Peas, to these indie rock gems, but that was the last CD I got, the emails stopped soon after,” Eastman said. “I thought she hated me because I put two songs from ‘Avenue Q’ on my last mix. I tried to reach out, but her away message was always, ‘I am unavailable because I am playing a computer game that takes up the entire screen.’”

Eastman’s lost friend Becca Feldman insists that there was no malice in her decision to pass off the song selections as her own.

“I didn’t mean to plagiarize Zach Braff’s work, sophomore year was just a busy time. I went out for Cross Country, got cast as Hodel in ‘Fiddler,’ and started dating Jason McCarthy,” Feldman recalled dreamily. “I only had a half-hour on the family computer to burn something, so I grabbed whatever was on my brother’s nightstand. Glad she liked it, because the movie was dry dogshit.”

Recent studies revealed that mixtape creative theft is more common than previously thought.

“People forget there was a dark side to playlist curation,” said Dr. Leslie Beckerman, Professor of Music Theory at the University of Vermont. “Mixtape exchanges are difficult for adolescents to maintain, with many turning to lifting swaths of music from soundtracks, college radio broadcasts, and even other mixed CDs from cooler classmates. My high school boyfriend had only one tape he would dub off to friends, lovers, and family. It still hurts to this day knowing he pretended I was special like that.”

Eastman says she forgives Feldman, especially after learning all her father’s favorite songs were from the “Top Gun” soundtrack.

We Caught up With People Who Got Those Mustache Tattoos on Their Fingers To See What Their Personality Is Based on Now

Posted on by Zach Hudson

If you were around in the mid-late 2000s, you probably knew at least one person who got a mustache tattoo on their finger. Usually, this person was always on MySpace, self-identified as “random,” and was really into bands like Cobra Starship and 3OH!3, but probably ironically.

While the trends of the time have mostly died out, tattoos are forever. What happened to those branded with the now infamous mustache finger tattoo? We sat down with a few of them to get a glimpse into what their personalities are based on now.

Kevin, 33, Funko Pop Collector
While Kevin’s mustache tattoo has somewhat faded away due to friction from the signature fingerless black gloves he wore well into his late twenties, he still bears the mark. Kevin now owns over 200 Funko Pops, which are prominently displayed all over his studio apartment. He offered to show us his entire collection and give us the backstory of each one, but we respectfully declined.

Delilah, 30, Cottagecore Influencer
You’d never know this is the same Delilah who once had jet-black bangs covering one eye and rocked the same Invader Zim hoodie every day. Her cottagecore influencer account “wood_nymph” has over 40k followers on Instagram. Delilah says she became “completely obsessed” with the cottagecore aesthetic after her father purchased an idyllic summer home in upstate New York. If you look closely at her account, you’ll notice her right index finger isn’t visible in any of her posts.

Mike, 34, and Carli, 31, Relationship Advice YouTubers
Former classmates of Mike and Carli recall rawr-ing lovingly at each other in the cafeteria, when they weren’t fighting in the hallway, that is. Despite years of drama and dozens of “it’s complicated” relationship status updates on MySpace, the two stuck it out, and the mustache tattoos they got together on Carli’s 18th birthday are now partially covered by wedding rings. Ironically, the two now run a YouTube channel dedicated to relationship advice, which they will give, unsolicited, to anyone who will listen offline as well.

Review: August Burns Red “Death Below”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times chooses an album to put under the microscope. Sometimes we even get to review one that’s not even available yet. This week we’re taking a look at August Burns Red’s upcoming release “Death Below.”

This record is equal parts metalcore, well-timed breakdowns, and the sudden urge to let out a blood-curdling scream from the comfort of your Nissan Sentra after a long day of existence. Simply brutal vibes. At least we think, anyway.

The thing is, we haven’t technically listened to this album since we’re not part of the elite class of music journalists who are privileged enough to get advanced copies. The one-percenters as they’re called in the business. Think: Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Kurt Loder from MTV News.

Instead, what we have to do is make educated guesses for these types of “not yet released” reviews. We’ve actually gotten pretty good at this over the years. Sure, we botch Weezer’s new stuff all the time and we keep predicting that the next Fleet Foxes record will be the one that takes over the nation, but that’s neither here nor there.

Back to August Burns Red though. Their new album is simply like no other they’ve ever released, we imagine. Picture metalcore meets Slayer meets late ‘90s post-grunge meets Miley Cyrus meets the Folgers coffee commercial jingle meets Dave Grohl practicing drums in his basement all by himself. Damn, if our predictions are correct, this album is going to be a fire emoji.

But hey, ABR recently released the single “Ancestry” which we presume will be a part of the new album. Unfortunately with music, you can’t just assume anything so we can’t judge the new album by this one song. We learned that the hard way with Smash Mouth. That being said, we assume this album is gonna rip.

However, if you want to know for sure, you’ll have to ask Pitchfork. For the rest of us peasants, we’ll have to take a “wait and see” approach.

Score: 10 out of 10, we presume

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