Different Member of Paramore Recognized

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

NASHVILLE — Guitarist Taylor York was in complete shock after he was recognized as a member of the hugely successful band Paramore at a local restaurant, confirmed sources who squinted pretty hard to make sure it was definitely him.

“I get to play music for a living, travel the world, and my coworkers are my best friends, but there is always a part of me that wants to get noticed while ordering jalapeno poppers at Applebee’s. Performing for thousands of people who could not pick me out of a crowd for a million dollars takes its toll,” York said while staring directly at strangers on the street in hopes someone else would recognize him. “The second I come offstage, everyone demands to see my backstage pass or asks me to get them ice. One time on my way to the tour bus, security put me into a sleeper hold and tossed me into the street. Hope those days are finally behind me.”

Assistant Manager Angela Lelei identified York as he picked up his JoyBurger Deluxe and Medium Coffee.

“All I said was, ‘You sort of look like you could maybe be in Paramore or Panic! At the Disco.’ He just kept thanking me and bowing his head. He was so happy he left his order on the counter,” Lelei recalled. “As soon as he got outside, he started pumping his fist and jumping up and down. When I ran out to give him his food, it sounded like he was on a call with his mother and his voice was cracking.”

Experts say getting recognized can be gratifying for those not yet adjusted to the external perception of their group’s hierarchy, but warn not to base self-worth on external validation.

“For years I tried to get noticed—constantly changing my hair, wearing cat eye makeup, performing naked, but I was only recognized a handful of times, mostly at Fishbone shows,” said Adrian Young, who sources report was a member of No Doubt. “But once I settled into my role as a background player to Gwen, I started to feel comfortable in my own skin. Now, I’m happy just to spend time with my family and I got really into golf, but it would be nice if people were interested in my solo projects.”

At press time, York was showing Paramore videos to a group of skateboarding teens in hopes one of them would make the connection that he was in the clip.

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10 Metal Bands That Are Metallica According to My Mom

Posted on by Zach Hudson

I love my mom. She’s always supported me and all of my interests, even if she doesn’t like or understand them. When it comes to metal though, she hasn’t tried very hard to learn all of the nuances and various subgenres. But to be fair, I haven’t tried very hard to teach her. So, here are 10 metal bands that are Metallica according to my mom.

Cannibal Corpse: Mom is under the impression that anything off Cannibal Corpse’s extensive catalog is Metallica live, and that they must not be very good live, or that James Hetfield must have been sick when it was recorded.

Black Sabbath: This is “old Metallica.” She’s happy that they’ve “improved their sound.” Please, just leave her alone, you guys. She doesn’t know any better.

Nightwish: Nightwish makes mom’s favorite Metallica songs. She thinks it’s really neat that they have a woman singing for them sometimes. If anyone from Metallica is reading this, she’d really like to see them have more women on their albums.

Ghost: Ghost makes some of mom’s least favorite Metallica songs. She doesn’t think it’s as good as their old stuff, and always asks me to skip the “new Metallica” when it shuffles in the car, which I’m happy to do. Mom describes their music as “kind of corny and boring,” which is something that we can both agree on.

Megadeth: Ok, fair enough. We’re going to give her a pass on this one.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra: Mom has mixed feelings about the “Metallica Christmas Album.” I know she doesn’t listen to it when I’m not home, but she’ll always put it on around the holidays if she knows my friends are coming over so that they’ll think she’s cool.

Lorna Shore: Mom has no idea what Metallica were thinking recording music like this. She doesn’t like nor understand it, but thinks it’s cool that they are willing to experiment with their sound. She does question Jame’s decision on the vocals though. “The singer has such a nice voice, why would he make himself sound like this?”

Comeback Kid: I know they’re not a metal band, ok? But you try explaining the difference between metal and hardcore punk to her.

Bell Witch: Mom isn’t sure how she feels about “Slow Metallica.” She thinks it’s really nice that the band lets the bassist play some solos, but that it’s kind of weird that there aren’t any guitars at all. She figures that the band must need a break from playing so fast all the time.

God’s Bane: This is MY band. We’re a melodic black metal band and we sound nothing like Metallica. But whenever I’m practicing one of our songs she’ll come in and ask which Metallica song I’m playing. She’s one of my biggest supporters though, so I really don’t care.

Aging Punk Shifts Focus From Bringing Down the Government to Bringing Down His HOA

Posted on by John Danek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Aging punk Mack “Sulfur” Hersch recalibrated his life’s mission from disrupting the effectiveness of the federal government to terrorizing his new house’s homeowners association, frightened neighbors reported.

“As I get older and wiser, I realize that change starts locally. Specifically, with these fuckers who think they can tell me what color to paint my fucking door,” declared a defiant Hersch, who finally has a permanent address in his own name after almost 49 years of couch-surfing. “It’s MY house, so I will do whatever the fuck I want with it. We’re talking basement shows, zine printing operations, and anarchist meetups. Some of the neighborhood teens have been interested in my messages. First, we destroy the HOA. Next, the FBI.”

Members of the Moore Park Homeowners Association are growing increasingly concerned with Hersh’s disregard for their rules of governance.

“Mr. Hersch is bound by the rules he signed just like everybody else—though if I recall, he signed with a drawing of a middle finger, which was alarming,” stated Phyllis Palermo, known for her passive-aggressive emails to the entire neighborhood. “If he doesn’t start abiding by our bylaws, he can expect swift shock-and-awe tactics the likes of which will make his head spin. No more large gatherings without a permit. No more out-of-tune electric guitar practice at night. You’re either with the HOA or against us. We must protect the Moore Park way of life.”

A spokesperson for the FBI admitted that they have been tracking Hersch’s activities for decades.

“The Moore Park HOA doesn’t stand a chance; we’re just thankful Sulfur is no longer working against us,” said Agent Richard Yarde, senior intelligence analyst for the FBI. “He’s exceedingly charismatic and capable of spreading anti-establishment ideals to the masses quickly. Through a stroke of good fortune, his 48th birthday hit him hard and made him realize it’s time to settle down. If the HOA doesn’t dissolve by the end of next year, I’ll be stunned.”

After being reprimanded for not mowing his lawn frequently enough, neighbors have reportedly seen Hersch wearing t-shirts with the slogan “No War But the Grass War.”

Opinion: I’m Honestly Still Fucking Pissed That Bob Dylan Started Playing Electric Guitar

Posted on by John Danek

My therapist says I have a problem with holding grudges. I’ll never forgive her for saying that. I’ve been burned too many times before. And it all started in 1965.

There I was, a young lad of 15 at the Newport Folk Festival watching my hero Bob Dylan sing the songs of a generation. Until suddenly, he decided to stab every human being on planet Earth in the back with a Fender headstock as if it were a bayonet.

Bob Dylan donned an electric guitar. In that moment, I booed my first boo; the first of many. The rage turned my face red, and I did my best to ruin the concert for anyone trying to enjoy the music of this heretic.

He traded the authentic instrument of his people for a children’s fad. Mark my words, the electric guitar will fall out of vogue by the end of the month. I’ve been calling it for years, and I’ve got to be right at some point.

As I exited the venue trembling with rage, I saw a vision of my life’s work ahead of me. I would travel to every Dylan concert I possibly could, and I would boo any time that ungodly implement of magnets, wires, and capacitors was brought out on stage.

At first, the whole crowd would join in. But over the months, the fervor died down. By 1967, I was the only one left jeering at Judas Dylan. His touring staff could ID me by sight, and I kept getting removed from concerts before they even started. I booed from outside the venues.

I’m furious at Bob, and I’m royally fucking pissed at the world for forgiving his unfaithfulness. Does his betrayal mean nothing to you anymore? The anger in my heart has only grown. Hell, I adapted it to other bands.

I booed Black Flag for playing slower songs on My War. I booed Metallica for cutting their hair. I booed Nirvana for doing the “reverse Dylan” and going acoustic for MTV Unplugged. I booed Radiohead for going full synth on Kid A.

Now excuse me, as I board this international flight to Korea to boo Jin for deserting BTS for military service.

Small Town Bar Bathroom Becomes Gender Neutral if Anyone Brings Cocaine

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

GRASS VALLEY, Calif. — Local bar The Blasthole is reportedly taking a stand against woke culture by maintaining strictly gendered bathrooms at all times that cocaine is not being consumed, sources looking for a bump confirm.

“Some traditions are worth holding onto, and separate bathrooms for guys and gals is one of ‘em,” said Blasthole owner Mark Robbins. ““There’s been a lot of pressure on this place to go PC and have those big-city-bathrooms that anyone can just waltz on into. I don’t care if you’re a Johnny who wants to be Suzy — at my bar you’ll use the toilet God intended you to use. But if you’re just looking for a private spot to do a sneaky key-bump with your boys, I recommend the ladies room.”

Non-binary patron Taylor Wilkins chose not to use the Blasthole’s facilities for reasons unrelated to gender altogether.

“I stopped at that place passing through town on my way up to the ski-slopes. As soon as I stepped in, a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag above the bar and the amount of full camo I saw told me I’d better make it quick,” said Wilkins. “But when I got in the bathroom, there were like six or seven people in there — all doing blow like the world was ending in 15 minutes. They kept trying to get me to hang out with them, but they saw my boots and made so many jokes comparing cocaine to snow that I realized they were all basic. They were all pretty nice, but I just had to take a shit.”

Anthropoligist Wanda Perkins noted that the supposedly rigid gender-assignments of both Blasthole restrooms are actually quite fluid — not just for the consumption of drugs, but drunken sexual encounters as well.

“As long as people are sharing stimulants or engaging in public coitus, these restrooms seem to be able to change, and even remove their gender roles in order to suit the needs of the community at that time,” Perkins said. “In fact, the only consistent rule seems to be about where a particular person urinates or defecates. It’s quite fascinating. One might call them a liminal space for those who are looking to party while retaining their outwardly conservative appearance.”

At press time, Wilkins decided to hold it until they made it to the next town and reported the bathroom was super gross, including the glory hole.

Guitar Center Employee Cuts Fresh Strap From Rotating Spit

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local Guitar Center employee Bridget Wolf carefully cut a fresh guitar strap from a rotating spit before serving it to an eager customer this afternoon, salivating sources reported.

“You want to make sure the strap is fully cooked and seasoned before you cut one off,” Wolf said. “Every morning we pile the raw straps onto the spit and apply a base layer of seasoning, which helps to alleviate shoulder chafing. Then they cook for about five hours, and we have at least three spits going at a time. Today’s flavors are lightning bolts, celtic symbols and Metallica logos. There’s also a load of caution tape straps and ‘Dark Side of The Moon’ prism straps in the back, but I try to save the lower-quality scraps for the teenage crowd that doesn’t know any better.”

Customer Jess Aaron said that they were surprised how involved the process could be.

“I thought straps were made in, I don’t know, a guitar strap factory. Not cooked to order,” said Aaron. “Apparently that’s always been the case, they’ve just finally decided to finally move the machines onto the sales floor. I like a nice AC/DC logo strap with extra strap locks wrapped in a chord. That’s the good shit. They won’t tell me what’s in the secret spice, but a friend said that it’s mostly lube with a hint of bassist tears.”

Guitar Center CEO John Maynard said that the company wants to make all of their stores more interactive.

“We’ve found that prospective customers are looking for a hands-on experience,” Maynard said. “Instead of selling sets of picks, we’re going to grate them right off the block until the customer says ‘when.’ Visitors can now take a tour of the cellar where we age our vintage gear, and personally pick out a guitar teacher from the tank. We’ll also want to sell green Orange amps before they’re fully ripe. Our goal is to give buyers a front row seat to the process.”

At press time, Wolf was seen inviting customers to the back of the store to watch a bass drum give birth to a bongo.

I Named My Band “CVS Near Me” and Now We’re Impossible To Find on Google

Posted on by Zack White

In the internet age, we’re told that all the information in the world is at our fingertips. Just a click away! We were told that this powerful tool would bring us closer than ever. But after naming my band “CVS Near Me,” I found out we’re impossible to find on a google search and, using this as a microcosm for our society, it seems we’re more disconnected than ever.

What does it mean for the arts that searching for a corporate sellout like Taylor Swift gives you thousands and thousands of results based on her music, but searching for my band gives you a list of pharmacies near my home address? Not only is big tech not spreading my music, but they are spreading the general area I live in to anyone who tries to actually find my art. That’s called censorship and it’s disgusting.

This isn’t even the first time this has happened to me. Any time I start a new project, I am immediately shadowbanned by the corporate media search engine establishment because they are scared I will destroy their system with my art. “Walmart Hours,” “Indian Food In Cleveland OH,” and “Computer Fan Loud Reddit” all had the potential to be the next Led Zeppelin. They shut me down then and they’re doing it again.

When it comes down to it, hiding my band behind 100 pages of previous google searches is an attack on our civil liberties. It is a stifling of artistic voices who reject their capitalistic optimization and live by our own rules. I am brave and anyone who doesn’t come to our show next weekend at 4 AM in my buddy Nelson’s basement is a coward who wants the system to win.

New Guitarist Doesn’t Take Punk Band’s Last Name

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

NEW YORK — Local guitarist Ian Serra refused to take on local punk band Complete Malarkey’s surname despite the group’s longstanding practice as such, sources confirmed.

“It’s not personal, I just don’t accept it as an institution. They met me as Ian Serra, they courted me as Ian Serra, I joined the band as Ian Serra, and now because of some outdated tradition I have to go by Ian Malarkey for the rest of my life?” said the disgruntled guitarist. “I mean, 50% of bands end in break up and I don’t want to be saddled with another name if I go solo. Plus, I’d have to change all my socials and I’m way too tired to do that. I love my new bandmates, but my name is my identity. I’m not a piece of property like some bassist.”

Lead singer Matt Malarkey, known at his day job as Matthew Tremble, was deeply disappointed that Serra wouldn’t go all in with their brand.

“Taking our name makes us an easily identifiable team like the Ramones,” said the band’s founding member. “It shows the world we chose you and you chose us, and symbolizes our journey together. We don’t ask for much. Just change your last name, wear our matching scally caps and soccer jerseys, and exclusively drink Guinness onstage and whenever you’re around other people. Is that such a big ask? Also, Ian needs to move into our house and agree to help buy a van. New members need to foot at least 75% of vehicular costs. Rules are rules.”

Brian Pardo, owner of local music venue the Saw Mill, supports individuals not taking their bands’ names.

“The time of changing your last name for the sake of your band has passed,” said Pardo. “It’s also confusing. Like, are Jack and Meg White siblings, married, or something else? Hard to tell for sure. I’ll just be glad when the trend is finally over. When booking a show, it’s embarrassing calling up Stop & Shop and asking for Tommy Salami of the Salamis, Johnny Jetpack of the Flagrant Jetpacks, or Andy Asshole of the Assholez.”

At press time, Serra reportedly left the band citing irreconcilable differences.

Goth Family Leaves Out Hamster Blood and Sacrificed Lamb For Krampus on Christmas Eve

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BREMERTON, Wash. — A local goth family left out the traditional offering of a full glass of hamster blood and a sacrificed lamb for folklore legend Krampus on Christmas Eve, sources who didn’t know what to do with that information confirmed.

“It’s a tradition that spans nearly centuries that we only found out about three months ago from a Buzzfeed article titled ‘10 Things I Didn’t Know About Krampus and Now I’m Literally Obsessed,’” said Lavinia Abrams while hanging fishnet holiday stockings on the mantle. “Sure, the stench of warm critter blood and rotting flesh makes it so it’s nearly impossible to sleep, and the swarms of fruit flies and freshly spawned maggots make cleanup a total nightmare, but that’s just what the Krampus spirit is all about. We might actually stop the tradition pretty soon though since our kids no longer believe in Krampus. They grow up fast, don’t they?”

Krampus himself did not seem all that surprised by the gesture.

“To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of eating the same exact thing this time of year, but these homes go through all that trouble of draining rodents and slaughtering farm animals for little old me that I have no choice but to take a quick swig and taste. I would never want to come across as rude,” said the cloven-hooved and horned being. “I may get a bad rap for absolutely terrifying children during the holiday season and even stuffing them into a large sack to prove a point, but these little acts of kindness from homeowners give me the strength to continue my duties throughout the night. It’s the most wonderful time of year after all.”

Experts were quick to point out other lesser-known and forgotten traditions.

“Humans love a good annual tradition no matter how far-fetched the routines surrounding it may be,” said local sociologist Graham Castaway. “Not many know this, but before the Easter Bunny was popularized, we used to have an Easter Fire-Breathing Dragon. Parents would leave out baskets full of melted chocolate and burnt treats for their children and during the day they’d go on an Easter Dragon Egg Hunt. Unfortunately, the eggs were six feet tall so they were pretty easy to find. That’s when they made the switch to the Easter Bunny. Smart move by all accounts.”

In related news, the goth family continued their tradition of elf skeletal remains on the shelf.

How To Get in the Holiday Spirit by Reminding Your Family Jesus Would Have Been a Socialist

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It can be difficult to get in the holiday spirit as an adult. It can be difficult spending time with a family you relate to less and less each year. It seems impossible to recreate the same child-like joy of running down the stairs Christmas morning to see that easy bake oven nuzzled under the tree. But there is hope!

If singing carols or lying to little children about a large man entering their homes isn’t your thing, a surefire way to get in the holiday spirit is by reminding your family that Jesus—their lord and savior—would have been a socialist.

While pouring Uncle Burt his eighth eggnog of the night, remind him that Jesus’s whole thing was helping the poor and he obviously would’ve voted for Bernie. As you watch Uncle Burt’s face turn to horror, let that holiday excitement rush over you.

Sure, building gingerbread houses in your 30s might seem boring at first, but while all of your little cousins are gathered around this is the perfect time to announce to them that housing is a right and everyone deserves a home. Gingerbread or otherwise. Once your family is shuffling in from midnight mass, it will be the perfect time to remind them that Jesus healed the sick no matter their health insurance plan.

The gasps from your socially liberal/fiscally conservative relatives will light up your insides like a Christmas tree. Finally! That holiday spirit of your childhood has returned thanks to the first ever Bernie bro: Jesus H Christ.