LOS GATOS, Calif. – Netflix is reportedly set to announce new cost-cutting measures to replace executives in charge of developing content with old TV Guides from 40 years ago, sources depressed about the current state of Hollywood confirmed.
“When we realized our highly paid execs spent most of their time simply greenlighting reboots from the ‘80s and ‘90s, we decided it was just cheaper to replace them with TV Guides instead,” stated CEO Ted Sarandos as he flipped through the December 1989 issue with Doogie Howser on the cover. “There are still so many old gems out there waiting to be retooled, repackaged, and shoved down the throats of subscribers who never asked for it in the first place. Some viewers complain we’re ruining their favorite shows but luckily those people aren’t in charge, I am. It’s good to be powerful.”
Loyal Netflix subscriber Emma Williams expressed shock that any of the networks have development departments.
“You gotta be kidding, they were paying people to come up with ‘Fuller House?’” said Williams as she scrolled through a menu trying to find something original. “The only good thing about all this nostalgia programming is that when my grandpa came out of his thirty-year coma he was comforted by the fact that old shows he used to watch before his accident were still on air. He was a bit confused about why the cast of ‘The Wonder Years’ was black and why there’s a female judge on ‘Night Court,’ but he’s just so happy to be alive he says it doesn’t bother him, though we know it does.”
TV expert Miles McCurly explained that media companies will continue finding innovative ways to reduce costs.
“Companies like Netflix are facing immense pressure from shareholders to maximize all profits,” McCurly described. “If that means replacing salaried employees with tiny magazines from the Reagan era, so be it. And they’re not alone, Amazon’s replacing their development brass with free online show generators, and Apple are in negotiations to buy a few of the old circus chimps that programmed most of network TV in the ‘60s. They may be old but those monkeys can still smell a hit, and the mess they leave behind is considerably less than most coke-binging execs.”
At press time, Sarandos was overheard stating he’d wait to see how Bill Cosby’s upcoming stand-up tour goes before ordering an eventual reboot of “The Cosby Show.”