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Man Celebrates Dry January Victory With 11 Consecutive Months of Binge Drinking

ASTORIA, Ore. — Local party animal Gary Harper plans to celebrate the completion of Dry January with 11 consecutive months of heavy drinking, confirmed sources who were proud of his sobriety trial period.

“I have a ton of catching up to do starting at exactly 12:01 a.m. on February 1,” said Harper before looking at pictures of red wine on the internet to see if that would satisfy his craving. “I always take January off from getting shit-faced as a way to detox and let my body regenerate any internal organs I might have inadvertently destroyed from consuming literal poison. Then after the month’s over, I go back to treating my body like a temple that serves double IPAs and shots of tequila at noon. Some say I might be a high-functioning alcoholic, but that can’t be right, because I definitely don’t get shit done when I’m boozing, or the day after for that matter. Not sure if there’s a term for that, but I’m definitely whatever that is.”

Friends of Harper seemed concerned about his relationship with alcohol.

“I’m starting to think he might have a problem and it’s mainly that he doesn’t invite me on his weekend benders like he used to,” said longtime time pal Julia Tremboldt. “I mean, yeah, he should probably lay off the sauce for eternity because he is a textbook alcoholic, but on the other hand, who is going to get hammered with me on a random Tuesday at Chili’s? He really needs to consider other people before attempting to briefly improve his life. How incredibly selfish of him.”

Dr. Katherine Mayflower believed the month-long initiative may not be enough for some people.

“Being drink-free for a single month can be helpful, but neglecting the other 334 days on the calendar and 335 during leap years is highly questionable,” said Mayflower. “Dry January is actually a great test run for sober-curious people and has a ton of benefits. For instance, there’s no better feeling than being clear-headed enough to inadvertently make your drinker friends jealous of your willpower and ability to not need alcohol to have a good time. I guess there are a number of other advantages too, but I’m totally blanking at the moment.”

At press time, Harper admitted to breaking the one rule of Dry January only five days in, but assured his friends that he would try again for Lent or Sober October.