Calendar Collector Hopes Present Under Tree Isn’t Some Stupid Vinyl Record Bullshit

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Die-hard calendar enthusiast John Beltran hoped the thin, square present under the Christmas Tree at his parent’s house isn’t actually a lame, dead music format again, sources close to him report.

“Ever since I was a child, and I first laid my eyes on my kindergarten teacher’s killer ‘Berenstain Bear Year 1995’ calendar she had hanging up in the classroom I became obsessed. Seeing the day of the month laid out in a simple grid with holidays clearly labeled is the best way to consume the passage of time,” Beltran explained enthusiastically. “I was hoping to finally get one just like it last year for Christmas, but my mom got me some limited-edition vinyl record. I was so pissed, I couldn’t wait to head down to the Goodwill and flip through some of the old calendars just to blow off some steam. I picked up an amazing 1997 Charlotte Hornets calendar that was basically mint condition and will be reusable again in 2025.”

John Beltran’s mother Angela Beltran is more than a little confused by her son’s particular choice of hobby.

“I’ve never really understood his obsession,” said Mrs. Beltran. “I had so many calendars growing up, but then cell phones came out and you could get calendars for $1 dollar to 50 cents apiece! No one wanted those things anymore, they practically were giving them away! I guess they are ‘coming back’ or whatever now, and I suppose the younger generations feel it’s the proper way to tell someone what day it is or something. None of that ‘digital crap’ is what Johnny is always telling me.”

Top calendar enthusiast Devon “Leap Year” Hughes gives a little insight into the harsh world of collecting the date-telling format.

“Yeah, many collectors like myself get burned by receiving some lousy vinyl record as a gift,” Leap Year said while rummaging through his desk for a box of thumbtacks. “What’s even worse is when you get a present thinking it’s going to be your white whale of a calendar piece, then you notice it’s just two calendars acting as protection for the record between them. I hate vinyl, man. It’s worthless. You think some stupid record is going to help you remember when your dentist appointment is? Or help you remember when the electric bill is due? I don’t fuckin’ think so.”

Beltran was last seen chaotically scouring the shelves at a local Barnes and Noble store eager to score some deals during their end-of-the-year calendar sale.

Seeing My Children’s Reaction to Their Presents on Christmas Morning Makes Me Realize How Much I Prefer My Second Family

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The memories of Christmases of my youth never fail to fill my heart. Sure the gifts were great, but the look on my parents’ faces knowing they were delivering holiday magic is what truly made those years special. I carried that spirit with me when I started my family, but seeing these ungrateful little shits scoffing at their presents makes me appreciate the second family I started five years ago much, much more.

Now before you bust my balls about being an unrepentant polygamist, I would remind you that it is Christmas and should focus on the things that really matter like being with family. It just so happens I have two of them, and I’ll have you know it’s a lot of work. If you had the opportunity to begin a tryst with a colleague at a plumbing and HVAC convention in Dallas, I’m sure you’d do the same.

Obviously it was not my intention to lead a double life wrought with lies and deception. But looking at the big picture, doing so really makes me appreciate the people in my life who won’t bust my balls over being on the road all the time. They should be kissing my ass over the fact I chose to spend Christmas with my OG family. Clearly I chose wrong.

It’s one thing to feign gratitude for receiving a gift you’re not super excited about. But being openly disgusted about a pair of socks is completely out of line. Lots of kids would be doing cartwheels for receiving the basic necessities, so if you can’t appreciate the small stuff then you don’t deserve the nicer presents. All the more reason I gave his secret half brothers the PS5.

My other kids never whine about how I’m never around or call me an absentee father. They’re only getting a five minute Facetime from me today while I sneak into the garage while pretending to look for extension cords and I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear from me. But in this house I’m worse than Hitler because I bought my daughter the “wrong” iPad as if they’re not all the same thing. What the fuck is an M1 chip?

These kids have no idea what goes into working day and night to support two mortgages and four rec basketball league fees. The least they could do is pitch in and get me a gift card to Applebees, but I don’t even get as much as a “thank you Santa”. If they only knew I could be on a flight right now to San Antonio to be with people who actually show appreciation, They’re lucky that celebrating two Christmases a year is less expensive than divorce.

Punk Ghost of Christmas Past Can’t Wait To Talk About How Scene Used to Be

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LONDON, Ky. — The Ghost of Christmas Past is reportedly “super stoked” to show infamous miser Ebenezer Scrooge how legit dope the local scene used to be on its Christmas Eve visit, astonished sources confirmed.

“We’re going back, like, 25 years ago, dude. So, I’m already planning on not eating beforehand, since there are at least three authentic burrito places to hit before the Ghost of Christmas Present toddles in,” said the excited apparition. “We’re talking literal mom and pop stands, before that new Chipotle drove ‘em out of business. Then, hopefully in between seeing the sowing of Scrooge’s love of money and his lost familial relationships, we can make it over to Magnolia Bar for this Guitar Wolf show I’ve always kicked myself for not buying a shirt at.”

The aforementioned Scrooge was apparently puzzled on multiple levels when encountering the enthusiastic, while misguided, spirit.

“I’ll admit, the shock of being taken into my memories had my jaw on the floor. I just couldn’t believe the visions of my youth could be so vivid. But, then the spirit insisted we make our way across town to the old second-run movie theater for ‘Dollar Tuesday’ before we miss it,” said Mr. Scrooge. “The specter made a big deal about how we could see ‘Grosse Pointe Blank’ three times each for under ten dollars, clearly trying to appeal to my miserly ways. While I do wish we’d focused a bit more on my childhood, I did enjoy Dan Aykroyd’s casting in it. Who knew he still had such good work in him at that point?”

Scrooge’s old employer, and noted enjoyer of the Christmas season, Nigel Fezziwig was reportedly a little dejected that he wasn’t included in this year’s vision.

“I kept trying to flag them down, and get them to come to the company Christmas party. A lot of important shit went down here, Ebenezer-wise,” said Fezziwig. “Plus, I go all out on these things, no expenses spared! Hired the most expensive brass band a sack of shillings could buy! But they couldn’t care less I guess. That spirit whizzed right past me. And all I heard was something about ‘checking out the spirit’s old band opening up for Dropdead at The Living Room’’ or some such. Oh well, maybe next year.”

At press time, Scrooge reported that, if anything, he’s now more attached to his vast hoarded wealth, as most of the places the Ghost showed him were absolutely disgusting.

Christmas Harsh Reminder of Family Members Who Are Still With Us

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SAN FRANCISCO — Local punk John Adler is one of the unlucky few who will be leaving his comfortable life with seven roommates in a two-bedroom apartment to head home for the holidays and be reminded of all the terrible family members who didn’t die this year.

“Most of the time it’s easy for me to forget these people and focus on my bootleg tee-shirt business, but then Christmas rolls around and my mom starts calling with all the Catholic guilt she can muster up and it all hits me again like a ton of bricks,” said Adler while smoking weed with his cousin. “I have so many friends with relatives that died from Covid and I just don’t understand how they got so lucky. I’m going to be stuck at a Christmas Eve mass with my Uncle Steve, the guy that tried to stab me with a butter knife last year when I called Trump a Nazi. Why aren’t these people dead?”

Adler’s family home is in an affluent suburb of San Francisco and his parents will be hosting multiple holiday events he will be forced to attend.

“Oh we’re just so excited to have Johnny home for Christmas,” said Adler’s mother Bernadette. “He says he’s happy with his friends in Los Angeles, but nothing can make a young boy happier than being with his loving mother on the most glorious day of the year. I just pray that one-day God gives him the strength to leave his life of sin behind and stop selfishly killing us. We gave him so much as a boy, I don’t know how he could abandon us like this.”

Mental health professionals across the country say the holidays are a particularly trying time for everyone.

“Hundreds of thousands of families are gathering together and coping with the loss of loved ones, and then there are the families who have avoided tragedy entirely and that’s the problem,” said licensed therapist Scott Tibor. “There is always that one uncle that no one invites but he shows up anyway spouting conspiracy theories and accusing other family members of being pedophiles. Somehow this person didn’t get sick and die from Covid, but we lost so many hard-working nurses and school teachers. Life is unfair like that.”

Virologists still offer some hope that above-average flu numbers and new Covid strains could kill off some of the more annoying family members by Easter.

10 Reasons to Get Married, According to My Wine Drunk Aunt at Christmas Dinner

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Christmas is the one time of year family can come together and celebrate what truly matters: being beleaguered by extended family. My aunt, who is still salty about her recent divorce, has decided the best way to build a deeper familial connection is by cornering me in the living room and delivering a sauvignon blanc-induced screed on why I should be married by now:

“The Best Way to Build Credit is Through a $40,000 Reception”

“You’re gonna want to max out every card you have, everyone pays 28% APR these days anyway so you might as well go all out. And don’t give me that shit about putting that money into a down payment for a house. Nobody is going to remember some dumb condo your ex got in the divorce, but they will remember the ice sculptures and chocolate fountain.”

“The Existential Threat of a Messy Divorce is Great Motivation to Stay Together Forever”

“Trust me, nothing binds a couple closer together than the looming realization that splitting up will lead to financial ruin and questioning your self worth. Every time you look into your spouse’s eyes just think of how much you love them and that if it all goes south they’ll get the jet ski.”

“I Need a New Tinder Profile Pic in Formalwear”

“People gotta know I’m single and ready to Pringle, am I right? I have this one dress that makes my tits look huge and it’s not like work is having any gala events so it’s gotta be a wedding. Your wedding. Just do this one thing for me, please. But just a heads up I’m probably going to crop you out of the photo.”

“Your Dogs Aren’t Going to Take Care of You When You’re Older”

“Don’t give me that shit about being a dog dad. You didn’t sire them, and all they care about are treats and shitting all over your backyard. The last thing on their mind is driving you to dialysis for five years before trying to mercy kill you with a pillow over your face. Even those service dogs don’t have the brainpower to do that and WHY CAN’T I PET THEM WHEN I’M AT TARGET?”

“If You Don’t Find a Partner, Biden is Going to Force You to Get Gay Married”

“I’ll send you the link my friend from yoga showed me, but if you wait any longer that socialist ANTIFA loving election stealer is going to force you to marry another man. Joe Brandon himself already signed the executive order and Nancy Pelosi is going to oversee the whole thing, that’s why she’s stepping down as speaker. Use your fucking head!”

“You’ll Have a Forever Obligated Wedding Date”

“The nice thing about a spouse is they are obligated to attend every function by default and then you can post pictures about how you clean up nicely! Isn’t that funny? And then you won’t have to worry about attending your sorority sister’s wedding alone and have to think about the fact you met her husband first but he’s not into women who set boundaries so he leaves you for someone who’ll blow him on a party bus.”

“Everything You’ve Done in Life Up Until Getting Married Doesn’t Count”

“Everything you’ve accomplished in life isn’t worth jack shit until you sign that piece of paper. College? Anyone can get a B.A. in English. Promotion at work? Fuck you. Nobody gives a rat’s ass until your life is defined by a ring on your hand, and then your life really begins. Just know that most of that new life will just be arguing what to make for dinner.”

Each Marriage Gets Easier and Easier

“You’re gonna need a few trial runs before you get it right. The first one is for when you’re still young and can get an annulment quickly and easily. The second one, now this is important, is the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with but it turns out they aren’t going to conferences every weekend and they have a second family in Iowa. So by the third go around it’ll be much easier to ascertain if you’re dating a sociopath.”

“You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out”

“Heyyyyyy A Christmas Story is on. Look at how happy they are. Those were the good old days when couples stuck together through everything and didn’t split up over something trivial like a leg lamp. Not like nowadays when you date six guys in a row in their 40’s who still “aren’t ready for kids”. Do you think your mom has more Robert Mondavi in the house somewhere?”

“Life is a Meandering Death March to Oblivion”

“Look around, does any of this make sense to you? Humanity is but a pimple on the ass of the universe yet here we are pretending to all be the main character, believing anyone will remember what wedding invitations you picked or if you had a vegetarian option at the reception. We are just aimlessly moving from distraction to distraction in a pointless attempt to delay the inevitability of death. Sorry, I just get really sentimental on Christmas. I probably shouldn’t have switched to bourbon.”

The Hard Times Guide To Convincing Your Parents You Are Definitely Not Meeting Up With Your Dealer on Christmas Eve

Posted on by Grace Hunziker

Christmas is supposedly the most wonderful time of the year. Yet it’s the most difficult to navigate without a little Christmas “tree” if you catch our drift. Being home for the holidays can be rough and sometimes the only cure for the Christmas blues is some Christmas “green.” Once again, if you catch our drift.

However, that can be difficult under the prying eyes of your family. Rest assured because the Hard Times has expertly curated the best tips for running your “errands” without alerting mom and dad.

Form a Concrete Alibi
When mom asks where you’re going at nine pm in sweats on Christmas Eve, make sure you have a concrete alibi or at least a passable excuse. Timeless classics include “just going for a walk” or “getting a bite to eat.” But the stakes are high this time of year and there are only so many places you can go on Christmas Eve to “catch up with an old friend.” So we suggest something a bit more nuanced. Perhaps say you are going to check out the neighborhood lights. Something festive and wholesome.

Timing is Key
When crafting your alibi, create a story that matches your timeline. Don’t forget to factor in transportation and enough time to chat with your dealer just long enough to pretend you care about what he’s been up to since last Christmas eve. After all, you don’t want to claim you’re going to get the mail and return two hours later with McDonald’s and a newly developed sense of whimsy.

You’re an Adult, Just Fucking Tell Them
For real. It’s just weed. Besides, it’d be legal if your parents hadn’t raised you in this dumbass state.

With these expertly curated tips, you’re sure to pull off a subtle and quiet exchange of goods. Now all that’s left to do is explain why your childhood bedroom smells like weed.

Punk House Hires Gas Station Corner Store to Cater Holiday Party

Posted on by Rose Eden

AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk house The Meat Mansion hired the small market attached to the gas station at the end of the street to cater their annual holiday party this year, excited sources confirmed.

“Yeah I mean this gas station is where everyone goes to grab a quick bite and has something everyone likes, plus it’s hella cheap,” said housemate Paul “Skinner” Roubleux. “The Trap House around the corner had a poker tournament they catered, and that’s how I learned the store caters. I mean, they have both piroshkis and tamales in that one small area by the energy drinks they consider a deli and I even convinced them to make one of those big long sandwiches like in cartoons. Also this way I don’t have to keep track of who wants a beer or a seltzer or whatever because they have it all there already.”

Residents of the punk house agree that based on their track record from previous years, professional help was the way to go.

“Last year we had our friends over and tried to bake some Christmas cookies for them the night before,” said Sarah Deutch, who has lived in The Meat Mansion off and on for the past 11 years. “We all got stoned and ended up accidentally turning on the gas to one of the burners. The whole place was filling with gas for hours. Thankfully one of the stray cats we feed was smart enough to turn the stove off and open a window or we could have blown the place up. After that we said no more big cooking or baking projects.”

The corner store’s management says they’re seeing an uptick in special occasion bookings this time of year.

“It’s all essentially about how you lay things out,” said Lone Star Gas and Gulp assistant manager Angela Bunt. “First you gotta put all the hot items like nachos, burritos, and hot dogs in the same area so there aren’t drunk people tripping over the power cords. Then you gotta have the ‘holy trinity’ of Cheetos, Fritos, and Doritos set out front and center, that’s a must. Also during this time of year we’ll stack up some donuts in the shape of a Christmas tree and let you borrow a couple punch fountains to run red and green Mad Dog 20/20 through. They seem to really like that.”

Tenets of The Meat Mansion are already looking to plan another event after the corner store gas station threw in a carton of cigarettes and a dozen lottery tickets for them to use as party favors.

Dad Interrupts Viewing of “It’s a Wonderful Life” To Remind Everyone That Hunter Biden’s Laptop the Single Greatest Threat to Democracy

Posted on by Doug Kolic

AUBURN, N.Y. – Local dad Walter Morris reportedly interrupted his family’s annual viewing of “It’s a Wonderful Life” to inform them that Hunter Biden’s laptop may destroy American democracy, annoyed but unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I’m so happy we still keep the tradition of watching this heartwarming movie together each year,” stated Morris as he continued to drink more than he could handle. “I never get tired of seeing these characters realize the true meaning of Christmas, and thank my lucky stars I can share it with my loved ones in this beautiful country, or what’s left of it. Mark my words, Hunter Biden’s laptop will go down in history as the single biggest threat to our freedom-loving democracy. George Bailey may be a hero in this movie, but the real hero is the owner of that Delaware computer repair shop who blew the lid off our illegitimate President’s impeachable crimes.”

Morris’ daughter Brooke expressed how her dad has a history of ruining nice family moments with right-wing talking points.

“This is exactly why I’m counting down the days until spring semester starts,” explained Morris’s eldest daughter. “When I was here for Thanksgiving watching the Macy’s Day Parade he wouldn’t shut up about Benghazi and how many people he claims the Clinton’s have murdered, just as the adorable Snoopy float went by. He did something really alarming last time we watched ‘The Sound of Music.’ In that scene with the huge Nazi flag he stood up and saluted the screen. When stuff like that happens I almost wish he would bring up Pizzagate or the ‘stolen election’ for the millionth time.”

Relationship expert Ashley Nguyen described the need to be wary of relatives with hidden agendas during the festive season.

“The holidays are a time to relax, unless it’s spent with conspiracy-obsessed family members who use it as a chance to spread their divisive ideology,” Nguyen elucidated. “So it’s important to stay vigilant and not let your guard down. just because you’re watching a wholesome family movie, because these people can seamlessly go from commenting on Ralphie’s Red Ryder BB gun to the Biden family’s relationship with Ukraine’s Viktor Shokin and energy company Burisma that they saw on Reddit.”

At press time, Morris was planning to disrupt his niece’s upcoming school pageant of the “Nutcracker” by insisting to anyone who makes eye contact that the world needs to prosecute Dr. Fauci for his crimes against humanity.

Uh Oh: Snowman Who Just Came To Life a “Top Hat” Guy

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

ARMONK, N.Y. — An ordinary snowman who came to life through magic recently was revealed to be one of those insufferable “top hat guys” you see sometimes, increasingly irritated sources confirmed.

“At first, I was stunned! There really is magic in the world! You just have to believe! But, then it sunk in…this snowman is really leaning into the whole ‘top hat’ thing just a little too much.” said the original builder of the snowman, Ayannah Baker. “You know what I’m talking about? The ‘aren’t I wacky?’ mentality… it’s just not the energy I wanted at the time, even if it was a moment I’d dreamed of since childhood. Just seemed like the type of snowman that would say ‘methinks’ and ‘lady fair’…Ugh, keep that kinda stuff away from me, Flakes. Then the buckle on the hat broke and it became a whole thing. I just want a heatwave to roll through and end this for me.”

The snowman reports that, while he’s happy with his newfound sentience, he’s noticed the need to defend his sartorial choices.

“Aside from maybe Slash, I’ve found that humankind just isn’t sympathetic to a top hat guy, I’m sad to say. It’s not even my hat! Just the one that happened to bring me to life!” said the Snowman. “And I know, I know, before you say anything, I’m aware I’m not helping my case by initiating madcap impromptu parades down Main street and spouting off speeches about the importance of keeping the magic of the season with you throughout the year…but, that’s just me being me! I swear, it’s genuine! And c’mon, at least I’m not wearing the cape!”

Leading fashion expert Hedy Rhys explained that the history of the “top hat guy” is a troubled and arduous one.

“Any way you slice it, the ‘top hat guy’ is probably someone you wouldn’t want to be associated with. You’ve got the steampunker, the magician, the ‘ironic’ groom,” listed Rhys. “And, of course, the super-serious Abraham Lincoln impersonator, who you really don’t want hanging around, since a John Wilkes Booth impersonator is never far from them. And those guys are the absolute worst.”

“And yes, this list is going to include the odd snowman-who-just-came-to-life-through-a- magical-hat, it’s just logistics,” Rhys added. “But, hopefully with a little willpower, we can all ignore any signs of forced quirkiness, and try and have a happy holiday.”

After holding a recent press conference, the Snowman announced he would meet everyone halfway with “an enchanted Kangol he found.”

Opinion: Grandma Didn’t Die in a Horrific Knitting Accident Just for Me To Lose This Ugly Sweater Contest

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Today is the day: the highly anticipated annual office ugly sweater contest of 2022. A contest where irony and silliness reign supreme. But this year’s competition is different. I WILL be the last one standing, because I’ll be cold dead in the ground before I let my Gam-Gam’s tragic death be in vain.

Gam-Gam knew how utterly important it was for me to win this year, especially because she was there by my side each night when I cried thinking about how I was tragically snubbed out of every year for the past 8 years first prize. This year I know Gam-Gam is up there, looking down and cheering me on as I completely slay the competition.

As a matter of fact, the competition this year is just downright insulting.

Look at Derek from payroll, with his shitty, uninspired store-bought bullshit sweater. Or Carol from HR with her nice, cutesy, clearly not even ugly rags she has on. None of them compare to what I possess. Mine was created with love, and literal blood, sweat and tears. The unfortunate needle jamming into an electrical outlet my grandmother endured is the driving force giving me the power to be the victor. She DIED for this sweater.

As I stand here, in front of the judges/lovely ladies down in payroll, I recall the words Gram whispered into my ear as she was peeled off of the loveseat and laid onto that stretcher: She told me that I need to win, for her honor, to not let her tragic death be all for not. That or she said not to forget to feed her cats, I don’t know, it was hard to hear with all the ambulance sirens and hydraulic-powered tools going off.

The time has finally arrived, Debrah is fast approaching me, her grin is a promising start. All the melted hair and ribbon candy encrusted on this thing is sure to capture the rest of the judge’s attention. This one’s for you, Gam-Gam.