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Teen Still Waiting for Boyfriend to Return Home From Defending Pop Punk

HOLDREDGE, Neb. — Local teen Marissa Jenson is still dutifully waiting for her much older boyfriend to return home after leaving town to defend pop punk, concerned family members have reported.

“Everyone who doubted us will see that 500 miles and an eight-year age gap can’t stop true love. My Kevin is out there still, I know it. He promised me he’d come back for me once his band made it big and he’ll take me away from this awful town. You see, he’s really good at power chords,” said 17-year-old Jenson. “It’s been six weeks since I last spoke to him, but he probably just needs his space. I know in my heart he’ll pull up in his shining 2007 Mitsubishi Eclipse with a case of Mike’s Hard and we’ll be happy forever.”

Jenson’s mother was also worried about the whereabouts of her daughter’s boyfriend, but for much different reasons.

“Watching Marissa wait by the window day after day crying her eyes out for Kevin to get back from his two-state Midwest tour breaks my heart. It breaks my heart even more that I’ll have to cave that creep’s skull in with a field hockey stick if he steps one foot onto my driveway. No surprise that a man in his mid-twenties who still sings about how much high school sucks would have such a hold on my daughter,” said Megan Jenson. “If I had to make an educated guess about what he’s up to it probably involves grooming a 16-year-old, turning her against her parents, and then maxing out her father’s credit card buying new gear. Because that’s what he did to us.”

Holdrege High School guidance counselors have attempted to intervene in Jenson’s relationship, knowing her situation is part of a much bigger issue.

“The grooming aspect of this relationship is nefarious enough. However, it’s part of a much bigger problem plaguing the dating pool of small towns like ours. Statistics have shown 40% of teenage girls in flyover states will end up seeing someone between six and ten years their senior who plays in a band named after an obscure 80’s movie. Most of these girls end up heartbroken and hooked on snorting Adderall before they even graduate,” said guidance counselor Greta Michaels. “We try to intervene and lower their expectations after the third week of being ghosted. There’s much more stability dating an age-appropriate townie who works at Autozone.”

As of press time, Jenson’s boyfriend had returned without his band, instruments, or money, but did bring his new girlfriend as they needed a place to crash tonight.