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Roommate With Pet Tarantulas Wants You to Promise Not to Freak Out Over What They’re About to Say

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. — Prolific tarantula owner Nell Gibbons is reportedly withholding potentially important information from her roommate until she agrees not to make a big deal over whatever it may be, concerned sources confirmed.

“I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to overreact like she did last time. All she needs to do is agree to the, and I think everyone is on board with this, simple task of not blowing whatever it is I’m about to tell her out of proportion,” said Gibbons. “She doesn’t even know what I’m about to bring up! I could just want to discuss world affairs, or the French literature class she’s been taking — stuff like that! She knows there’s only one way to find out, and I hope she agrees to my terms soon, because frankly the matter, whatever it may be, is getting more pressing by the second.”

Gibbons’ roommate was understandably skittish, and expressed grave concern over the conversation’s possibilities.

“I just know she’s going to tell me something awful about those horrible beasts, I just know it. Why would she make me say I wouldn’t freak out, if what she was going to say wasn’t one hundred percent worth freaking out over? I don’t know why I let her bring those things into the apartment,” lamented long-suffering roommate Vivian Westerneck. “Ugh, it’s the not knowing that really drives me up the wall. Should I just agree and get it over with? I swear, I’m just gonna fumigate this whole place without telling her one day.”

Professional animal wrangler Warren Ulkins, who just happened to be passing through he swears, was also part of the story.

“I had just been in the neighborhood, and just thought I’d pop by this particular residence, for nothing in particular. Ms. Gibbons and I hadn’t spoken on the phone or anything like that, and if we had, her speech would definitely not have been frantic and spider-based,” said Kramer. “You know, just a classic knock on the door ‘what’s the vermin situation if any?’ type of visit for me. Then, if there happens to be a swarm of something, or if something needs capturing and tranquilizing, I’m there. If not, no big deal, I’m already on my way to the next non-distress call.”

According to eyewitnesses, Westerneck’s relief that the discussion was not about her roommates’ tarantulas was short-lived after learning the news in question was a powerline fell through her bedroom ceiling, letting a large family of flesh-eating buzzards in.