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We Look Back on Deftones Because We’re Hooking Up With Our High School Girlfriend Again

Being a single guy that never left his hometown is great because the babes always come back. And when they do, I nurse these beautiful creatures back to health before releasing them into their native Midwestern habitat. Actually, I’m hooking up with Jessica Sanchez, my newly-divorced high school sweetheart, again.

She’s coming over tonight, so I’m gonna reminisce about the Deftones songs we banged to senior year while I wait for this truck-stop Viagra to kick in.

“My Own Summer (Shove It)”
We used to slam ass all night to this, but I am in much worse physical shape than I was in the mid-2000s. Somehow, Jess is in better shape and can screw circles around me. I wish this song was shorter and slower because I can’t keep up.

This song is classic Deftones: Chino screaming and Steph playing heavy guitars, but it always made Jess’s dirty talk turn into extremely personal insults. I guess that’s something I blocked out because she was so hot.

“Teenager” I always wondered, “Why the fuck is this song on the album? It doesn’t fit in any way,” which was nice because you’re not supposed to cry while being whipped. Making sense of the “White Pony” tracklisting always elevated my threshold for pain.

“Passenger” Sometimes, Maynard James Keenan’s guest vocals made my dick soft. That guy is fuckin’ spooky.

“Lucky You” If “Passenger” kills the mood, “Lucky You” brought it back because it felt like we were having sex in a vampire movie. This is also about the time Jess would bite hard enough to draw blood.

“Digital Bath”
This creepy ass song about electrocuting a woman in the bathtub feels pretty relatable because Jess is driving me insane. She’s cool and hot, but the sex is mega painful and she’s always like, “How do you pay for this apartment if you don’t have a job?” I sell drugs and steal people’s identities, okay?! I can afford a bigger place, but I’m trying to be discreet!

“Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” This is exactly what I should’ve done when I saw her in the bar the other night.

I think I’ll tell Jess I have Covid or something because my sciatica’s acting up and I hate what she makes me do when “Knife Party” comes on. I don’t care how cute she is, I don’t want to play hide and seek like that ever again.