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Band Honors the Salaries of Wives and Girlfriends Who Make Their Tours Possible

TACOMA, Wash. — Local street punk band The Brick Layers will be headlining a special show this Thursday to honor the very special ladies in their lives, and their salaries, confirmed sources who wish this gesture could have been scheduled on a weekend.

“I think it’s important that we take the time to thank our wives and girlfriends who all have really great jobs. Without them there is no way we’d be able to tour,” said bass player Jeremy Garcia as he decorated the venue with streamers purchased with his wife’s credit card. “From the moment I met Isabelle it was almost like love at first sight. Once she explained what a nurse practitioner was I was hooked, I mean that’s practically like a doctor! I knew there was no way I was ever going to let this woman go. We have two cars, I couldn’t afford a skateboard before I met her, now I have a Lexus.”

Naturally, their partners responded in a positive manner when interviewed and praised the band for the conclusion of another successful tour season.

“At the end of the day, I really do enjoy being helpful,” said Ashley Simms, wife of The Brick Layer’s drummer Roy Simms. “When he’s at home I always pack his lunch before work at the bar with whatever kind of fruit snack or Uncrustable sandwich he wants, then when he’s on the road I’m always happy to shoot him a Venmo for snacks, gas, food, whatever, even in the middle of the night! I’m part of a family business that manages multiple hedge funds, so it’s like no problem you know? I don’t have to wake up early or at all if I don’t want to. It all just sort of handles itself.”

Full-time professional tour manager “Hard” Bill Salinski noted that bands with the “Golden Ticket” of a successful partner at home are the best kinds to work with.

“A solid source of income is the difference between staying at Motel 6 or the Hilton. Eating Burger King every day, or stocking up at Whole Foods because you know these millennial kids are all vegan now,” said Salinski. “Then at the end of every gig you’re paid out cash whether they make their guarantee or not, it’s kind of amazing. In my day, if I were hard up and needed to call my old lady, I’d have to find a pay phone. These guys get a mochi doughnut craving at 3 a.m. in San Diego and boom! $50 sent to their phone so they can order UberEats.”

Garcia went on to explain that their wives’ salaries allow them the freedom to explore their other passions when off the road, such as building their careers in comic book shop management and line cheffing, among other ambitions.