Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Review: Balance and Composure “Separation”

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

Each week the Hard Times sheds a spotlight on a seminal album in punk history. Next up is Doylestown, Pennsylvania’s Balance and Composure with their 2011 LP “Separation” Let’s dive in, shall we- Hey wait a sec, what was that over there, scurrying into the cupboard? Why it’s that pesky mouse again! Why, I’ll get you, you little-

Sorry folks, let me bring you up to speed. You see, I’ve been chasing this damn mouse ever since I moved into this place a year or two ago, and frankly, the squeaky little so-and-so has been turning my life upside down at every turn.

And I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “Oh Joe, but he’s so cute in his tiny little overalls and straw hat!” And you know what? That’s exactly what he wants you to focus on! And why? So’s he can drop a priceless Ming vase on my cranium from the highest shelf. (By the way, note to self: move priceless Ming vases to lower shelves as soon as possible.) Honestly, I’m beginning to rue the day I took the little guy to the tiny tailor to get those clothes made up…

Today is no different. Here I am, trying to tell you nice people about B&C’s debut and I have to deal with a rodent with a vendetta against my peace and quiet. And don’t you suggest mousetraps, believe me – I’ve tried! He gets the best of me each time, and my doctor is getting worse and worse at stifling her giggling when she goes to unpry them from whatever appendage he’s suckered me into getting snapped, week after grueling week.

Why, even when I do manage to get a record on the turntable, he finds a way to make me think the turntable’s become unplugged. Three times now I’ve lumbered over to the outlet to plug it back in, and three times now he’s shoved my finger into the socket, causing my skeleton to light up inside my body. Cool once, maybe, but keep in mind: I said three!

I dunno, sometimes I think maybe it’s on me for always leaving large cartoonish wedges of swiss cheese, the ones with the aroma lines wafting over, out on the counter… But really, who’s to say?

Score: 8 stars, all circling my head from all the blunt force trauma.

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The Next Anvil? This Metal Band’s Career Relies on People Feeling Sorry for Them

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Chris Bowen

Some old-school heavy metal bands tend to reign supreme 40 years later. Some tend to fall under the radar unless you’re a true-blue hesher. And some metal bands stay in the weird, in-between “oh, yeah I know them, sure. It’s great they’re still going. Good for them!” status. No band fits that particular class of metal bands none other than Toronto’s own Anvil.

And much like Anvil, this promising up-and-coming group of sad sacks known as Leadfoot are at the helm of the modern-day “I’m trying my best, so cut me some slack” brand of metal bands. And by “up-and-coming,” Leadfoot is a decade old. And by “promising,” Leadfoot and their front man, Johnny “Shredmaster General” Owens, promises to keep the flame of underdog-metal burning while appearing pouty at each gig until enough people tell them “nice set.”

“I think it’s pretty badass to be compared to a mediocre band like Anvil, dude,” The Shredmaster General Said. “The way Lips and co. have chugged along for decades, releasing record after record only to be recognized millions of years later from a documentary about how bad the viewer should feel for them is admirable.”

Leadfoot’s manager and longtime enabler Richard Bosco believes the band he represents is on the right track to becoming the next “big thing” as far as pity-fueled metal bands go. “And as long as their 17 GoFundMes and ‘woe is me’ social media presence keeps going,” Bosco explained, “the entire metal scene will flock to support Leadfoot because they think the good karma will benefit them later on.”

Leadfoot’s other founding member and bassist Bud Walker believes the only true way to propel their career is to take advantage of the sorrow of the masses through a viral video or documentary of some sort. “People aren’t going to really see how big of losers we truly are without a documentary or viral Tiktok video of some sort, and that’s when I think our brand of metal will truly explode.”

At press time, Leadfoot frontman Owens was seen practicing his silly, sex-themed balloon animal shtick for their between-song banter.

16-Year-Old Fan of The Menzingers Already Nostalgic for His 20s

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Max Barth

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local teenager and die-hard fan of The Menzingers, Jesse Smith, appeared today to be “tearfully nostalgic” for his 20s, which have yet to occur, confirmed multiple sources who wish their friend would stop smoking so many cigarettes.

“I hear lyrics like ‘Where am I going to go when my twenties are over?’ and I start thinking about how I’ve wasted some of the best years of my life that haven’t happened yet,” said the actual child who has never spent a night away from home except for that one trip to Disney with his cousins. “I mean, it’s some heavy shit, right? When I look back a few years, and then forward another sixteen years, all I can think about is how I spent my young adulthood at bars and basement shows, drinking cheap alcohols, chasing my punk rock dreams, and having a bunch of like, sex and stuff. Probably.”

Smith’s parents say they have noticed a change in their son since he first heard the band on a playlist his older brother made him two months ago.

“Ever since he heard about them he’s been coming into our bedroom at night in tears asking if we remember when we met at Tasker-Morris Station,” said the boy’s mother. “We have no idea what he’s talking about. And he keeps telling my husband that he’ll never ‘drive to New Jersey again’ after a ‘Jersey girl’ broke his heart. He’s never had a girlfriend, we live in Michigan, and Jesse doesn’t even have his learner’s permit. But he seems to be pretty adamant that he’s got a winning lotto ticket from the state of Massachusetts that he wants to cash in Boston. I don’t know where he got it. He won’t show it to me.”

Members of The Menzingers report they often have young fans prematurely relating to some of the band’s common themes.

“We appreciate and love everyone that takes the time to check us out, especially the wistful suburban teenagers who stare out of car windows and feel sad about things that have never happened to them and likely never will,” guitarist Tom May. “We’d like to offer Jesse a VIP pass to our upcoming show in Detroit, which comes with a meet-and-greet with a real live therapist. Following that, he can see the show from the first row and can sing along with 35-year-olds who ditched their dreams at the first sight of health insurance.”

As of press time, Smith was listening to Wilco in his treehouse and crying over the children he hasn’t had yet.

Phish Fan Saves Money on NYE Tickets by Hallucinating Entire Show From Comfort of Own Couch

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Sara Mellas

WHITES CREEK, Tenn. – Local man Cory Romstead opted to ring in 2023 at home high as hell on his own couch after deciding to not attend this year’s annual New Year’s Eve shows at Madison Square Garden by famed jam band Phish, his gainfully employed roommate confirms.

“I haven’t missed one of Phish’s New Year’s Eve runs since I was twenty, but I just couldn’t swing it this year. I turned twenty-six in August, which is the age my parents said they’d stop paying my rent and car insurance, and when I lost their health insurance as well, and I don’t have access to my trust fund until I turn thirty, so I’m in a weird financial place right now,” said Romstead while defying the winter temperatures in cargo shorts and flip flops. “The tickets and travel are pretty expensive, so I decided to recreate the experience at home instead. I lined up my vinyls of ‘Billy Breathes,’ ‘Farmhouse,’ and’ Lawn Boy’ and ate five grams of mushrooms around eight o’clock. A little bit later, I started to see the stage lights and feel the vibrations, and then suddenly I could see the whole band playing right in front of me. It was incredible, like, dude…historic.”

Romstead’s roommate, Sam Steiner, also chose to enjoy a low-key New Year’s Eve.

“Cory asked if I wanted to join him, but I had dinner reservations with my girlfriend and I’d rather listen to three albums of koala bear mating calls than Phish. I left the house after Cory had just put on the first record,” said Steiner. “When I got home at 1 a.m., he was sitting in the exact same place on the couch, in total silence, just like, moving his hands in front of his face and staring at them. I didn’t engage and went to bed.”

Concert revenue analyst Nat Levinson is uncertain about how psychedelic at-home concert experiences will affect ticket sales in the coming year.

“There’s no denying that we’re heading into a brutal recession, and that will directly impact how much money fans are willing to spend on live music tickets,” said Levinson. “We project that streaming will become increasingly popular for viewing events more affordably, but if you’re telling me this kid had a full concert experience from doing shrooms, that’s certainly something we’ll have to consider. I mean, I took ayahuasca once and saw God, so I’m not surprised a few grams of blue meanies could help a person see Trey Anastasio.”

At press time, Romstead allegedly was looking into acquiring LSD for the Grateful Dead’s farewell tour live stream this spring.

Machine Gun Kelly Threatens to Cover “Aerials” Again Unless Five Million Dollars in Unmarked Bills Left at Secret Drop Zone

Posted on December 31, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Machine Gun Kelly threatened to once again butcher a beloved System of a Down song on national airwaves if federal officials did not meet his demands, confirmed law enforcement officials bracing for the worst.

“My first attempt at ‘Aerials’ was just a warning shot. At least I had a competent band backing me up. This time, my band will be made up of guys I picked up from Guitar Center on a Tuesday afternoon,” said Kelly while combining nearly empty bottles of pink Manic Panic hair dye. “Some of you might think you can tolerate another cover, but I’m gonna be scatting in between the normal vocal parts. It’ll be horrible. But this can all be prevented if my humble demands are met by midnight. I’m not playing around, and if there are any hero cops that try to stop me I’ll add ‘Wonderwall’ and ‘Zombie’ to my setlist. I have no problem destroying those songs forever.”

Veteran FBI terrorist negotiator Chris Powell is in charge of making sure the American public is not exposed to another Machine Gun Kelly cover.

“I’d rather have some psycho threatening to blanket downtown Los Angeles with mustard gas than deal with an out-of-control musician who thinks he successfully can blend genres,” said Powell while evacuating anyone within earshot. “The most difficult part of this whole ordeal is the fact that this madman put all his demands in the lyrics of a song that was given to us on a USB drive. All we have to do is listen to three minutes to get the drop zone coordinates, but so far we have only made it 30 seconds before shutting it off in disgust. The only person I know that might be able to listen to the whole thing is my dumbass nephew, so he’s heading here via helicopter as we speak.”

Music historian Amos Fleming says this is not the first time a pop artist has weaponized a terrible cover.

“Around 15 years ago, Hilary Duff covered ‘My Generation’ by The Who. It was a terrible rendition and got little airplay, but at a tour stop in Texas she held the crowd hostage and said she wouldn’t stop playing her version unless the US released certain prisoners from Guantanamo Bay,” said Fleming. “The federal government didn’t bend to her unhinged demands, and she played that damn cover for 16 hours straight. Over 400 people died.”

At press time, Machine Gun Kelly’s demands still had not been met, and he began warming up by posing in front of a mirror with his tongue out and throwing up devil horns

10 Famous Cartoon Characters Based on Green Day

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Green Day is one of the most successful bands that have ever been sort of punk adjacent, but did you know they inspired a whole bunch of classic cartoons? Check out these unforgettable animated features inspired by the band:

Top Cat

While many people think the 1960s cartoon Top Cat was based on the Sgt. Bilko character from The Phil Silvers show, it was actually inspired by Green Day’s origins as a group of streetwise cats who were transformed into human musicians by a witch’s curse.

The Misfits

The rival band to Jem and the Holograms, this one was a no-brainer once Hasbro realized how much Billie Joe Armstrong was ripping off the actual Misfit’s stage presence.

Cool McCool

Drummer Tré Cool actually came up with the idea for this suave, trench-coated detective who always wins and is loved by everyone and is allowed to write songs, and no one had the energy to ask if he was feeling okay.

McGruff the Crime Dog

This classic narc character originated from their “sell-out” period.

Gorillaz

If you look closely, you can see that the vacant, soulless eyes of Gorillas singer 2-D are a dead ringer for Billie Joe Armstrong circa Revolution Radio.

Chip N’ Dale

While it’s clear Billie Joe Armstrong is the level-headed leader Chip and the goofy Dale is bassist Mike Dirnt, did you know none of the Rescue Rangers are based on Tré Cool?

Dexter Holland

The lead singer of the Offspring is actually a composite character reflecting all the worst traits of the members of Green Day.

Jabberjaw

Despite popular belief, this drum-playing shark was not inspired by Tré Cool, but by “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” which can be clearly seen in the episode where Jabberjaw commits suicide.

American Idiot Kidz

This bubbly, lighthearted group of cartoon youngsters who expose the atrocities of American foreign policy in weekly episodes was inspired by the Iraq War!

Garfield

Billie Joe Armstrong hates Mondays! And that idiot Odie.

“Big Fan” Whispers Every Cop Walking By Andrew Tate’s Jail Cell

Posted on December 30, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

BUCHAREST, Romania — Law enforcement officers detaining controversial online influencer, misogynist, and sex trafficker Andrew Tate reportedly keep whispering “big fan” every time they walk by his cell, confirmed multiple sources.

“It’s not every day we get a real-life celebrity in our jail,” said Police Chief Simon Puscas. “Every police officer I know subscribes to his YouTube channel so I’m just hoping his lawyer will let him talk to us because my wife has really been riding my ass lately and I’d love his advice on how to handle her. We even have officers from other precincts coming over to make sure he’s comfortable. Mr. Tate can rest assured that as long as he is within these walls we will do whatever we can to help him, it’s a shame that women are trying to drag down someone who empowers men to buy his online course for as little as $49.”

Tate, who was arrested last night on human trafficking and rape charges, has been surprised by how well police are treating him.

“Yeah mate, I’ve signed more autographs in the last eight hours than I can count. And each one of these cops keeps apologizing for arresting me. It’s nice to know I can reach so many people,” said Tate from his prison cell. “I got moved to this really nice cell with a great view of downtown, a big flat-screen tv, and they let me keep my phone. This is almost like a little vacation. I’m even planning on doing a little talk tonight about how all cops embody the warrior spirit and how they should be rewarded with as many women as they want.”

Critics of Tate were happy to see him arrested but worry he will not be held accountable.

“The evidence against Andrew and his brother is pretty overwhelming, but even that wasn’t enough to have them officially arrested and charged. They are only being held for questioning,” said Emelie Haas, a popular left-wing podcaster. “They will both get off, they will both go back to being scumbags, and now they will even have people in law enforcement watching their backs. It’s a shit system, you just have to hope he crashes one of his cars into a telephone pole.”

At press time, police officers encouraged Tate to use the precinct phone to prank call Greta Thunberg.

REPORT: Unclear if Friend of 10 Years Actually Likes You

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Tim Sheard

PRINCETON, N.J. – Researchers at Princeton University concluded a nearly decade-long project which yielded inconclusive results regarding whether your long-time friend Charlotte Palmerro actually likes you or not.

“We were hoping for a better outcome, but sadly we could not determine whether Ms. Palmerro is an ‘actual friend’ or just a person that tries to stay on your good side for selfish purposes. We looked at social media posts, photos where both of you are tagged, interviewed countless mutuals and we came up empty,” said lead researcher Dr. Jane Waters. “Frankly, all of your deepest, darkest fears that she’s just using you for your Netflix login, or proximity to your hot-as-hell brother could very well be true. This was one of those days where science doesn’t give us the answers we want to hear.”

Palmerro seemed completely unphased by the findings which were made public earlier this week.

“I’m sorry, what? Everyone is so obsessed with me lately. Yeah, friendship evolves over time and that’s just normal. No, we don’t go to the bar every Friday and get drunk as we used to in college, but that’s because we have real jobs now and can’t waste our time with crap like that,” said Palmerro while posting a photo of you two where you had your eyes close and looked like you were in the middle of saying the word “potato.” “It’s weird that this is even up for debate, I flew across the country and surprised her for her 25th Birthday?! I had to use three PTO days!”

You remain hopeful that science will be able to provide the answers about your friendship with Palmerro.

“I’ll be honest. I’m a little disappointed with the results. Sure, Charlotte sat by my bedside for 13 days straight while I learned how to walk again after the car accident, but she also didn’t post a single Insta story of me during that entire time. Not a single TAG! But ya know what? Ten years of friendship clearly doesn’t confirm if someone likes you anymore,” you said while rewatching Palmerro’s latest TikTok video for the 30th time. “Thank god I cut her out, honestly! I’ve never been better–my new bestie is the barista down the street who said she can drive me to my endoscopy on Wednesday. And already promised to put it on Instagram! Like a TRUE friend!”

At press time, researchers shifted their focus to determine whether of not your ex-boyfriend still thinks about you.

Punk Afraid He Peaked in GED Certification Class

Posted on December 30, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

NASHUA, N.H. — Local punk Andreas Howell expressed dismay that his best days were behind him and lamented the fact he may have peaked during the 12 weeks he was taking night classes to receive his GED, confirmed sources trying to reassure him about his bright future.

“I was king of that adult education class, I really was. I’d show up on my moped and all the other classmates would sit in awe of it while I locked it to the bike rack,” said Howell while looking through “graduation” photos. “The drummer of my band was the janitor in the building so sometimes I’d cut class and go get high with him in the parking lot. It really was the best quarter of a year I’d ever had. Not a care in the world other than the fact the class was court-ordered and if I didn’t get my GED it would be a violation of my probation.”

Howell’s long-term girlfriend Rosa Escudero says she is constantly being told stories of the three months he spent at the adult education annex.

“I’m going to snap the next time he tells me about the time he convinced the entire class to turn their desks backward. Like, who fucking cares? He was 31 years old when he took that class, I don’t know why he thinks that’s a funny anecdote,” said Escudero. “Then there is the fact he happened to win the March Madness bracket the class started. It was complete luck, but he talks about it like he was a starter for Duke. Maybe I’ll sign him up for a ceramics class or something so he can feel like he’s reliving his glory days instead of moping around all the time.”

Sociologist Lara Hsu says punks always romanticize the past and believe their best days are in the rearview mirror.

“Ask any punk and they will always say ‘the scene was better ten years ago.’ This attitude carries over to all aspects of a punk’s life. They often think their current band sucks, venues are getting worse, and that cocaine just isn’t as strong,” said Hsu. “But nostalgia is a powerful drug in itself. Some punks never learn to live in the present, they become the old guy that sits at home writing Facebook comments on photos of Joe Strummer that say ‘we need to bring back real punk’ and other stupid vague shit that has no real meaning.”

At press time, Howell was telling a group of disinterested friends about the time he tossed a wadded-up ball of paper into the wastebasket all the way from the back of the room one second before the bell rang.

Photo by Sean Moriarty.