PRINCETON, N.J. – Researchers at Princeton University concluded a nearly decade-long project which yielded inconclusive results regarding whether your long-time friend Charlotte Palmerro actually likes you or not.
“We were hoping for a better outcome, but sadly we could not determine whether Ms. Palmerro is an ‘actual friend’ or just a person that tries to stay on your good side for selfish purposes. We looked at social media posts, photos where both of you are tagged, interviewed countless mutuals and we came up empty,” said lead researcher Dr. Jane Waters. “Frankly, all of your deepest, darkest fears that she’s just using you for your Netflix login, or proximity to your hot-as-hell brother could very well be true. This was one of those days where science doesn’t give us the answers we want to hear.”
Palmerro seemed completely unphased by the findings which were made public earlier this week.
“I’m sorry, what? Everyone is so obsessed with me lately. Yeah, friendship evolves over time and that’s just normal. No, we don’t go to the bar every Friday and get drunk as we used to in college, but that’s because we have real jobs now and can’t waste our time with crap like that,” said Palmerro while posting a photo of you two where you had your eyes close and looked like you were in the middle of saying the word “potato.” “It’s weird that this is even up for debate, I flew across the country and surprised her for her 25th Birthday?! I had to use three PTO days!”
You remain hopeful that science will be able to provide the answers about your friendship with Palmerro.
“I’ll be honest. I’m a little disappointed with the results. Sure, Charlotte sat by my bedside for 13 days straight while I learned how to walk again after the car accident, but she also didn’t post a single Insta story of me during that entire time. Not a single TAG! But ya know what? Ten years of friendship clearly doesn’t confirm if someone likes you anymore,” you said while rewatching Palmerro’s latest TikTok video for the 30th time. “Thank god I cut her out, honestly! I’ve never been better–my new bestie is the barista down the street who said she can drive me to my endoscopy on Wednesday. And already promised to put it on Instagram! Like a TRUE friend!”
At press time, researchers shifted their focus to determine whether of not your ex-boyfriend still thinks about you.