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If You Didn’t Want To Get Crowdkilled, You Shouldn’t Have Stood Next to Me in Line at the Bank While I Was Listening to Madball on My Headphones

Ever go to a hardcore show and see those weaklings standing on the edges of the pit, just begging to be crowdkilled? Well, this was like that, except instead of being at a show, I was at the bank.

I was waiting to dump a Folgers can full of change into the coin machine, listening to Rogan on Spotify and minding my own business. It was on shuffle, so Madball’s “The World is Mine” came on when the episode ended. What was I supposed to do, stand there like an idiot?

Of course, I had no choice but to start windmilling and kicking. All the stuck-up chickenshits around me were acting all shocked. Okay, so I knocked a lady down, but I picked her right up. It’s just proper pit etiquette. Right when the breakdown kicked in, some stupid rent-a-cop ran over and bum-rushed me out the door.

People who go to shows, banks, or supermarkets need to be aware of their environment. If you get nailed, that’s on you. Stand near the pit, expect to get crowdkilled.

Being as passionate about hardcore as I am can occasionally be a problem. Once I destroyed a Chinese buffet because someone there had a Negative Approach song as their ringtone. When I snapped out of it, I was covered in lo mein and being yelled at by a chef with a big-ass cleaver.

Then there was my Memaw’s funeral. Someone coughed during the eulogy and it sounded a lot like a beatdown riff. I instinctively swung my arms around a few times before I realized what I was doing and gave my uncle Howard a black eye.

The good news is that a UFC agent witnessed me rocking out at the bank and offered me a gig on the spot. They just put me in the ring, blast some old-school shit and I go the fuck off. I’m currently undefeated.