BATTLE MOUNTAIN, Nev. – Officials at the Battle Mountain PD announced that they successfully signed Spencer Hall, a local schoolyard bully, and complete menace, to a long-term development deal, according to sources busy falsifying their police reports.
“We got him. The BMPD were able to negotiate contract terms with the family of a young up-and-coming shitbag so he can be the future of our workforce,” exclaimed Police Chief Walter Cromby while unlawfully detaining a Black teenager for jaywalking. “Eight-year-old Spencer Hall has been on our radar ever since we heard how he successfully shook down a dozen classmates for their lunch money, blamed it on another student, and got off Scot-free. This kid’s a natural, and with a few years under our expert tutelage, he’ll be accepting bribes from mobsters, destroying evidence for crooked businessmen, and beating the crap out of his family like a pro. Sky’s really the limit for this little asshole.”
The boy’s mother Kaylee Hall was pleasantly surprised that he was headed for a career in law enforcement.
“Spencer’s been bullying fellow students and teachers for years, so we naturally thought he’d be in juvie by now,” stated a beaming Mrs. Hall sipping on a breakfast beer. “But apparently his bad attitude, fits of violent rage, and ability to lie through his teeth are the exact reasons all those police departments across the state were courting him. We try to support him as best we can by basically letting him do whatever he wants without any consequence. Now if you’d excuse me, we have a meeting with his principal soon to discuss his alleged use of the N-Word. They grow up so fast.”
Criminologist Dr. Jane Saric described how police forces are on the lookout for young talent to fill the shoes of outgoing corrupt officers.
“As the current crop of bad cops retire or get shuffled to desk duty after misconduct allegations, there’s a big need to hire replacements who already know how to game the system,” explained Dr. Saric. “And those replacements are getting younger and younger each year. Heck, I even heard that one police department was interested in signing the future rights to any offspring Kyle Rittenhouse may have, hoping the apples don’t fall far from the rotten tree. I can’t tell you who they are, but if you guessed the LAPD you’d be right. Obviously.”
At press time, Spencer was being treated to ice cream after he successfully planted some of his stepdad’s cocaine on his homeroom teacher to avoid a homework assignment.