NORTH DARTMOUTH, Mass. — Preschool punk Henry Doyle rushed to the aid of little Briana Hamm, who disappeared beneath the surface of a rowdy Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, according to pizza-stuffed sources.
“Honestly, when that punk family walked into the restaurant, my wife and I were a little put off,” said Briana’s father Ron Hamm. “The parents were covered in tattoos. The dad looked pissed off, the kid had a mohawk, and the mom had what I now understand is called a ‘Chelsea’ hairdo. But when the other kids in the ball pit started shoving and Briana went under, Henry dove right in and pulled him up. He made sure Briana was okay and then went back to jumping around.”
Chuck E. Cheese assistant manager Tony D’Amato witnessed the scene unfold from where he was sprinkling sawdust onto a puddle of vomit.
“The problem started when the Kidz Bop version of ‘Let’s Have a War’ came over the speakers. The kids in the ball pit were all hopped up on soda and ice cream and started going crazy,” said D’Amato as he cleaned tomato sauce off of the Jasper T. Jowls animatronic. “Someone might want to let corporate know that some of their music choices might be a little too heavy. The Wiggles’ version of ‘Rise Above’ really gets the kids amped up. I’m grateful that the punk kid rescued the other one, because I didn’t want to go in there. Those balls are filthy.”
Punk mommy-blogger and online influencer Penelope Phlegm says that things like pit etiquette need to be taught in school.
“Punk culture can provide some valuable life lessons that we should be imparting to our children,” said Phlegm. “For example, when someone goes down in the pit, you pick them up. It doesn’t matter if it’s a mosh pit or a ball pit, the same rule applies. ‘Never talk to cops’ is another lesson that I think should be added to the curriculum. When I was in school, we were told cops were our friends, but it’s past time for that narrative to be put to rest. All cops are bastards. Principals, too.”
At press time, Doyle announced he’d gone “straight edge” and has been spending recesses admonishing other children for eating candy.