Poser Alert: These Two Shoegaze Guitarists Made Eye Contact

Everyone knows that the best shoegaze acts have the worst social skills. Any moment a band uses to speak to the audience, interact with the crowd, or exude the faintest hint of charisma wastes time that could be spent staring at pedals. There should be no place for physical touch or social interaction at shows, lest one foolish musician disturbs another’s setup.

Well, apparently a couple of posers have snuck into the scene because last night the lead guitarist of The Contretemps had the audacity to exchange eye contact with the rhythm guitarist during their set tonight. Worse, the recipient of this advance looked up from his pedals to reciprocate said eye contact and smile at his bandmate!

These guys don’t even respect their own equipment. Social interaction aside, pedals are really expensive. Why spend hundreds of dollars on the best ones only to spend an entire set staring at your bandmate who gets paid in pizza instead?

I tried to give The Contretemps the benefit of the doubt and enjoy the rest of my night. After all, I didn’t pay a $15 cover charge just to storm out of this show in anger. But I also don’t want to stand idly while the core tenet of shoegaze is violated by charismatic musicians who laugh at each other’s jokes and interact with the crowd.

Worst of all, The Contretemps aren’t the only posers on tonight’s lineup! Another so-called shoegaze act just approached them on their way to the bar and spoke directly to them to congratulate them on a great set. It’s one thing to make eye contact with another shoegaze act, but losing focus on pedals to lie to fellow musicians is even worse.

Any “shoegaze band” with charisma is just a psychedelic rock act in disguise at best. If The Contretemps were popular enough to have a Wikipedia page, I would edit it right now to change their genre classification.

Review: Stretch Arm Strong “Rituals of Life”

Each week, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. This week we took a look back on Stretch Arm Strong’s “Rituals of Life” because that’s what the programmers at the indoctrination center told us to do.

Shit! Did we say “indoctrination center?” We meant to say International Headquarters of The Wise and Benevolent Big Boys Society, where there is no indoctrination and we are of our own free will totally not being programmed with electric shocks to the genitals.

Now that that’s straightened out, let us tell you a little about the album and how it is directly related to us becoming an eternal badass when pairing it with the teachings of the TWBBBS.

The album was released back in the year 1999 B.C. and was worshiped by the ancient Babylonians as they believed it would bring about the second coming of Christ. Of course today we know, with the benefit of time to study the ancient lyric sheets, the album actually intends to bring about the third coming of shapeshifting snake charmer known by the moniker Mr. God.

Additionally, the Big Boys Society has keyed us into several other aspects of the album which we can use to prepare ourselves for Mr. God’s return – right after we gave them our life savings that is.

Several tracks on the album include direct references to the Tombs of Gilgamesh, which can be interesting in a number of ways – but TWBBBS believes this is a directive that we, the loyal followers of Mr. God, are supposed to blow up the Chrysler Building and steal the precious metal contained within before his arrival as an offering to his hardcoreness.

See, it all makes perfect sense. All you have to do is listen to the album and you too can have achieved this level of clarity. Also, we’re gonna need four hundred and eighty thousand dollars.

SCORE: 10 out of 10 wait, what in the fuck do you mean this is a deprogramming?!

 

“Never Meant” Tab Closed Immediately After Reading Tuning

INDIANAPOLIS — Local amateur guitarist Bryant Stafford reportedly slammed his laptop shut after merely glancing at the non-standard tuning of American Football’s “Never Meant” tablature, confirmed unsurprised roommates.

“There I was, playing the tab in standard, but it sounded so wrong. I tried a few more times before I finally scrolled up to investigate. And that’s when I saw it,” said Stafford as a horrified look washed over his face. “Right at the top: FACGCE. It didn’t even look like a real tuning! Like, sure, Drop D, I can do. Maybe even a half step down for a Dashboard cover. But holy fucking shit. One string is a half step up, one is a half step down, and one is a full step down. What is this, mathcore?”

While Stafford suffered for just moments, American Football guitarist Mike Kinsella has had to live with this nightmare for years.

“Look, I messed up, okay? I used to try to bullshit my way through this when I was younger and pretend I did it all on purpose,” said Kinsella wincing at the thought. “But I just have to come clean: At the time, I was sure I could tune by ear. I never even had a tuner pedal on my board. I just sang what I believed to be an E and took it from there. This was right when we were recording that album. We were kids with no money. So once the track was laid down, and we realized maybe something was off, we couldn’t afford more studio time. There was no going back.”

Atreus Walsh, a local guitar teacher, has tried talking students out of weird-ass tunings for years to no avail.

“We all experiment with atypical tunings when we’re young. Sometimes it’s because you don’t know any better. Sometimes you’re trying to impress your friends. But you just hope, as you grow older, you gain a little sense and come back to something a little more standard,” said Walsh. “I mean, I never win that battle, but at least it’s fun seeing the kids struggle. Especially their first encounter with FACGCE. Because it reads exactly like the noises they make when they see the tuning: ‘FACK! God! Christ! Eeek!'”

At press time, Stafford was seen shutting down his laptop entirely and stuffing his guitar in the back of his closet after slowly coming to the realization that all of his favorite midwest emo bands had abnormal tunings.

Photo by Jason USA of Chibson.

Wrestling Fan Expected More From First Poetry Slam

DENTON, Texas — Lifelong wrestling enthusiast Ryland Reeves reportedly attended a poetry slam at Circe Coffee under the assumption that it was a match, sources with septum piercings confirmed.

“Circe is a lot smaller than my local gym, so I figured they just didn’t have room for a proper ring,” Reeves said while sipping a lavender oat milk latte. “The dyed hair and combat boots didn’t phase me either because I see that stuff all the time on the WWE network. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until some blue-haired kid took the stage with a ukulele and played the saddest Phoebe Bridgers cover I’ve heard in my life. Even if her strumming had been in tune, ‘Chinese Satellite’ is terrible entrance music.”

Circe Coffee barista Emma Durnin recounted Reeves’ bizarre behavior at the event.

“Most poetry slam attendees snap their fingers or gently applaud if they really dig a performance, but this guy screamed and cheered like he was at a cage match,” Durnin said in between readings. “He even brought a giant homemade sign that said ‘SLAUGHTER HIM’ and blocked everybody’s view of our drink menu. Still, his attendance makes this slam one of our most profitable events in years. He spent $50 on T-shirts and coffee grounds from our merch line in between performances. That kind of support means a lot.”

Denton Poetry Society president Libby Boone, who organized the event at Circe, noted that her vague definition of the group’s events often boosts attendance.

“When I first started inviting people to our monthly music and poetry nights at Circe, people mocked us, but advertising them as ‘slams’ entices new attendees to show up,” Boone admitted while typing her latest poem in her phone’s Notes app. “Last month, some metalheads came expecting a circle pit and left with a newfound appreciation for the art of the spoken word. Recruiting this guy proves that deception works on all kinds of people. It just depends on whether we hang flyers at Planet Fitness or scatter them near record stores.”

At press time, Reeves was seen entering a local Denny’s in hopes of witnessing a grander slam.

Help! I Tried Drinking Non-alcoholic Beer but That Only Fueled My Cravings for the Sweet, Forbidden Nectar of My One True God

Oh lord, what have I done? I detoxed, got into therapy, and resisted my triggers. I thought I could at least enjoy one non-alcoholic beer. Alas, the moment that sweet amber liquid hit my lips, the alluring pull of my one true God brought me to my knees. Not in prayer, but in worship of the forbidden nectar I’ve been craving.

It’s the beer company’s fault. The last thing you should do is ask a recovering alcoholic to hold your drink because it reminds them of drinking and can trigger a relapse. So who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to go around selling a trigger in a bottle to recovering alcoholics?!

Seriously, these beer companies must have done this on purpose. I used to wonder why people even made non-alcoholic beer. Now it’s clear to me. Non-alcoholic beer exists to remind people how much they love alcoholic beer. And we should start calling it “alcoholic beer” because it’s really the beer’s fault when you think about it. I don’t have a problem. It’s the beer that’s an alcoholic.

I’m doing everything I can to not go to the store and get some of the real stuff. The taste reminds me of fun. The smell reminds me of partying. Plus, there are no hangovers! You’d think that’d be a good thing, but this is all just non-alcoholic beer’s plan to only remind me of the good times I shared with alcohol. It’s just like my drunk ex.

I just keep drinking non-alcoholic beer to stave off the cravings. The worst part is now I’m spending more money on fake booze just to stop myself from relapsing. I’m about to start sucking dick for O’Douls at this point.

I tried calling my sponsor but he’s hooked on the same stuff I am!

Twelve Times Les Claypool Surprised Us With a Funny Little Hat

Les Claypool has made a career out of dabbling in the absurd. From his off-kilter bass slappery to his lyrics about horny alley cats, he’s always given fans a hefty dose of a frenzied imagination. One thing that sets him apart even further is his penchant for strange headwear in performance. We take a closer look at twelve funny little hats the Primus bassman has used over the years. 

The “Tales from the Punchbowler”

This hat emerged after Claypool developed a fascination with mid-nineteenth-century American politicians. What started as some light research for a song character quickly evolved into an alternative persona that caused quite a bit of tension in the Primus camp. During this period Claypool would not acknowledge the existence of technology such as cell phones or computers and insisted on traveling from concert to concert via dirigibles.

The “Jerry the Racing Helmet”

This get-up surfaced during the first Frog Brigade tour and despite the aesthetic appeal of the helmet, it served a much more practical purpose. As part of the set design, a giant mechanical frog was hung over the band each night which had several moving features such as exaggerated genitalia. After a stage malfunction that caused one of the frog’s aluminum testicles to fly off and land on the stage, Claypool thought it’d be best to guard his noggin against errant amphibian gonads.

The “John the Fishing Hat”

We get it. Everyone knows Les Claypool loves to fish. Moving on.

The “Sathington Wallaby”

In addition to Claypool’s fishing hobby, it’s rumored that he indulges in another passion while touring Australia— small game poaching. He and a few crew members rent a Landrover and head out into the bush to nab any wombats, wallabies, dingos, and flying squirrels that pass through their crosshairs. They then take their kills back to a makeshift amateur taxidermy studio on the tour bus for preservation.

The “Phish Off” Hat

This rig emerged halfway through the Oysterhead tour, once Claypool had enough of Trey Anastasio’s guitar wanking. Live clips from that time reveal him mumbling to his bass tech, “this was a bad idea…”

The “Los Bastardos Mini Sombrero”

Not many people noticed Claypool’s nod to the nation of Mexico on the Brown Album tour. Claypool found the accessory in a margarita he ordered at Sammy Haggar’s Beach Bar & Grill and decided to incorporate it into the stage show. Measuring just over the size of a thimble, some wonder whether or not it was even worth the effort to wear each night.

The “Winona’s Big Brown Beaver Pelt Hat”

This hat is a Claypool family heirloom, made by his great-great-grandfather, Finneas Artholemew Claypool the Third. The elder Claypool found the beaver chomping away at the wall of the family outhouse and decided to make better use of the mammal. The hat has since been put back in the family vault, which contains among many other relics, Geddy Lee’s baby teeth.

The “Frizzle Fez”

An entry from the early days of Primus, Claypool used to wear this in rehearsal as it was thought to ward off “creativity goblins,” which hindered the songwriting process. The hat, along with the rationale for wearing it, was cited by many of the past members for leaving the band. It is reported that there were between 25 to 30 drummers for the Primus before Tim “Herb” Alexander joined on a permanent basis.

The “Pork Pie/Soda Hat”

This was more of a daily wear for Claypool between tours. In fact, sources close to the artist state that he never leaves his house without some kind of hat or headgear. Those same sources state that the reason for this is to hide the lining of Renolds “Heavy Duty” tinfoil Claypool wraps his cranium in whenever in range of government satellites.

The “Sgt. Baker”

Claypool has had long had a fascination with military history. Each Spring in his hometown of El Sobrante California, he participates in the reenactment of the county’s sole Union Soldier awaiting the invasion of Confederate forces. The reenactment usually involves Claypool standing in the town square looking at his pocketwatch for around 12 hours.

The “Tommy the Hat”

Claypool reportedly stole this hat from Tom Waits after the “Tommy the Cat” session. Waits apparently wore the hat to get into character and after seeing the effect that it had on the performance, Claypool swiped it from the vocal booth while Waits was smoking a cigarette. The two have not spoken since.

The “KFC Bucket”

Spoiler Alert: Les Claypool is Buckethead.

We Look Back on January 6th. Two Years Later

January 6th, 2021 was one of the strangest days in American history. A group of rebels that love America and everything it stands for tried to overthrow the government that serves it. What was their objective? No real idea, as punks we also hate the government, and these meatballs ruined violent overthrows for everyone, thanks a lot jerks. Lets take a look back at some of our reporting.

Tour Guide Needs Everyone to Quiet Down Before Explaining Significance of How Many Stairs Lead Into Capitol Building

Read the full story here…

Tucker Carlson Reminds Viewers That Capitol Building Was No Angel

Read the full story here…

Man Who Stormed Senate Already Back to Yelling at Skateboarders in Walmart Parking Lot

Read the full story here…

And from our friends over at Hard Drive:

MAGA Protesters Set Police to Easy Mode

Read the full story here…

Heartwarming: This Cop and MAGA Supporter Finally Met After Years of Playing Xbox Live Together

Read the full story here…

Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane. Go visit our merch store. It’s the best way to support what we do and there are a lot of great things we know you will enjoy.

Hardcore Frontman’s Resume Just List of Fights He Won

WHEELING, W. Va. — Unemployed hardcore punk singer Lyle “Coccyx” Plant is seeking employment with a resume consisting solely of fistfights and crew battles in which he was the victor, numerous HR departments reported.

“They say to list your proudest achievements on your resume, so mine details the date, time, and location of every time I beat down someone that betrayed me or sold out one my friends,” said Plant, who was fired from his last job after knocking out his boss. “I also attached photos of the aftermath. Sometimes my face is bloody, which I think conveys a sense of honesty and a strong work ethic. Or it conveys that I’ll kick your ass if you don’t hire me. Either way, I really need a steady paycheck until we go on tour with God’s Hate in March.”

Potential employers in West Virginia’s northern panhandle had varying reactions to Plant’s alarming job applications.

“In all my years of hiring graveyard shift Wal-Mart stock crew, I’ve never seen a resume as violent as this,” said Wal-Mart manager and Bible Study Meetup leader Pauline Koch. “I even called one of the references named ‘Sickfoot’ who confirmed that Lyle did in fact beat his rear end quite fully. We don’t need the best and brightest to stock these shelves, and maybe I can teach Mr. Plant about the love of our lord Jesus? Or maybe he can kick my ex-boyfriend’s rear end too before I inevitably fire him.”

Professional headhunters encouraged caution in striking a balance between a traditional resume and more attention-grabbing tactics.

“Companies are not interested in knowing how many fights you won, unless maybe you’re applying to be a bouncer or work in private security,” reported headhunter Ilana Williamson, who specializes in placing punk-adjacent lifers in permanent job positions. “Keep the fights off the resume, and only mention one in your cover letter if it’s a heroic tale of defending the defenseless. If you just started swinging because you thought someone was badmouthing your band’s merch, save it for the water cooler once you have the job.”

Sources confirmed that Plant’s employment prospects are dwindling, as he has begun including explicit photos of all his tattoos, piercings, and scars.

“The Mandalorian” Season Three to Follow Teenage Yoda’s Quest to Lose Virginity Before Graduation

BURBANK, Calif. – Disney announced that the highly-anticipated third season of their hit series “The Mandalorian” will focus on Yoda as a teenager and his quest to lose his virginity prior to Jedi Academy graduation, opinionated sources confirmed.

“We’ve decided to age up the new season, so now Baby Yoda’s all grown and horny as hell,” stated Disney CEO Robert Iger to skeptical-looking advertisers. “Viewers will get a chance to see Grogu, or Greg as he now wants to be known, go through his awkward high school years as he embarks on a journey of sexual discovery. Our Market Research team led by my thirteen-year-old nephew Todd, has indicated that fans are very interested in following this beloved character’s coming-of-age pursuit to get laid before grad. I don’t want to spoil anything, but Grogu will absolutely at some point be force fucking an apple pie.”

A long-time Star Wars fan shared her trepidation about the show’s change in creative direction.

“I’m not sure how I feel about Baby Yoda being transformed into an insatiable ‘poon hound’ as the press release called him,” said Cathy McMillan. “We love him because he’s so gosh darn adorable not because he’s trying to get his little green peen wet for the first time. Apparently they also have new storylines for Moff Gideon who’ll be playing the crusty principal trying to stop Yoda from pulling off an epic end-of-year prank, and for Peli Motto whose drastic makeover will transform her from ugly duckling to school ‘It Girl’. Frankly, I’m outraged by Disney’s continued degradation of this beloved franchise, but yes, I’ll definitely check it out and go broke buying as much merch as humanly possible.”

Media Professor Dr. Jonathon Riggio explained how shows feel the need to evolve in order to attract new viewers.

“Networks feel pressured to push the creative envelope, sometimes to the point of absurdity,” expressed Dr. Riggio. “It’s a real risk to change a winning formula but if it works it can expand the fan base, but if it backfires it can alienate viewers. What’s next, Yoda getting addicted to fentanyl like he’s some kid on ‘Euphoria’? Wait, that could actually work. Do you happen to have Robert Iger’s phone number? This could be my ticket out of this shitty community college.”

At press time, season four was already in the works and would reportedly follow Yoda attempting to bust a human trafficking ring he unwittingly uncovers while backpacking from Amsterdam to Oktoberfest.

Roadie For A Capella Group Can’t Believe He’s Getting Away With This

CORSICANA, Texas — The recently hired roadie of touring a capella collective Vox On The Run is flabbergasted that he’s getting away with a job so cushy, envious sources confirmed.

“I mean, knock on wood of course, but, I swear, I haven’t lifted a finger this whole 60-city tour. I offered to carry one of their pitch pipes at the first gig, just to be nice, and they turned me down. Guess it’s a superstition thing for them,” said the group’s roadie Harland Luske while trying to look busy. “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but until then, I’m gonna stay on the bus and try to get lots of reading done, something I haven’t had the time to do in years. Believe me, I’m as mystified as you are.”

Group members report no ill-will or suspicion toward Mr. Luske, who is apparently very loved among his touring family..

“Oh, Harland’s the best. Always offering to hold our coats or our coffee cups–hold anything, really. He’s always making us laugh by popping in again and again like ‘you sure?’ It’s such a good bit. We couldn’t picture the tour without him,” said countertenor Liam Pizzaforetto. “Such a sweetheart. He may not lift any equipment, but he lifts something far more important: our spirits.”

Recently retired Roadie Hall of Fame member, and friend to Mr. Luske, Lucian Whittiker is far less sympathetic.

“I was the only roadie for a 25-piece symphonic metal band for the past twelve years of my life, so you can understand my seething jealousy toward the guy. I’d be loading in my third synthesizer bank and he’d be blowing up our group chat saying how he was on his third re-read of Ulysses,” said Whittiker. “It’s all just envy though, like I said. If it were me, I’d be wanting to ride that gravy train as long as I could, too.”

At press time, it was reported that Mr. Luske was unable to hold open a door as the group entered a venue due to his muscles atrophying completely from inactivity.