Finally! After Years of Harassing Them To Get Back Together, Title Fight Reunited To Serve Us a Restraining Order

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Title Fight was one of the greatest emo bands of the 2010s before they disappeared off the face of the Earth in 2018. It’s not that we don’t know their whereabouts. Thanks to the power of doxxing, public records searches, and questionable journalism ethics, we’ve spent years tracking each member’s every move. Now it’s finally paid off with the full band making their first public appearance in years to serve us a restraining order!

We typically prefer a barricade spot in front of the stage over an uncomfortable bench in a courtroom, but we can’t complain considering the intimate setting of this reunion.

Over the past few years, we’ve displayed “Love Actually” style cue cards reading “Any updates on Title Fight?” outside each of their homes, waited outside the men’s room at Jamie Rhoden’s favorite sports bar, and even cornered Ned Russin at a few of his Glitterer shows to ask the age-old question of when Title Fight will make its grand return.

After years of dodging the question with cowardly responses like “How did you get my address?” and “Please don’t talk to me at the urinal,” the members of Title Fight finally gave us a clear answer in the court of law. As the fine print on their protective order banning us from “all future performances” reveals, Title Fight is back! It just sucks that we’re legally prohibited from attending any of the inevitable reunion shows that will surely follow this court date. At least we got their autographs on all of the documents to commemorate our hard work.

Still, this testimony alone was well worth the wait. Title Fight’s new sound is fantastic! You can hear the rage in Ned’s voice when he says, “Leave me, my family, and my friends alone.” We haven’t heard that kind of raw, emotional songwriting since “Floral Green.”

This says so much about the power of investigative music journalism. Say what you will about our methods, but how else would we bring Title Fight back together?

Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to Two Over-the-Pants Handjobs in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race, multiple intrigued sources confirmed.

“These past few days have been difficult for everyone, but democracy is difficult,” said Rep. McCarthy, R-CA 20th District. “I want all the other Republicans in this chamber to know I will represent them, their constituents, and I’ll jerk them off to completion using my right hand over their slacks. And for all the Republican women I’m offering them the chance to do the same act to me, I assume they have all been wanting to do it for years. This is their chance to finally get a piece.”

Democrats admit they are not surprised by the lengths of Rep. McCarthy’s desperation.

“This is a position Rep. McCarthy has been coveting for over a decade, and now it’s all falling apart. There are some Democrats that would be willing to vote his way, but he has not yet reached across the aisle and offered any of us handjobs of any variety,” said Rep. Sean Casten, D-IL 6th District. “He’s lost the vote seven times already, so he needs to start making concessions to the left as well. If he offered to finger or jerk off people on the left then he would easily sure up the votes. We love cumming just as much as anyone else and it would be an honor to bust all over the House floor.”

Far-right political pundits say the handjob offers are not enough and their representatives should keep holding out.

“Over-the-pants handjobs are the absolute lowest form of sexual gratification. These people aren’t kids at summer camp, they are adult lawmakers who deserve sloppy oral with the promise of light rimming,” said TruthBang host Clive Wilson. “If Rep. McCarthy is serious about wanting this job then he needs to get down on his knees and test his gag reflex. America is a country full of people who love receiving oral, and that is well reflected in our elected representatives.”

At press time, Rep. McCarthy is expected to sweeten the deal by letting colleagues extinguish cigars on his nipples while he performs the handjobs.

Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? Hell no!

How a piercing heals is 99% luck. There is basically nothing you can do to ensure a piercing doesn’t get infected. Believe me, I looked into it briefly. Someone should consider creating something that helps with that. God my ears are sore.

At the same time, it’s not like I didn’t take any precautions. I rubbed a powerful charged moldavite crystal on my ears for like two hours before going to a reputable piercer (Claire’s). Then I waited a whole week before swimming in freshwater ponds. Plus, I didn’t change my jewelry for an entire 48 hours after getting pierced. It took a lot of willpower to keep those boring “hypoallergenic” titanium studs the lame piercer put in my ears for two whole days. I switched them out for cool nickel-based dangly crosses I bought at Hot Topic. Sure, they made my lobes throb and ache and ooze, but I got a lot of compliments on them. That’s what piercings are all about.

For my next one, I’m thinking of something big. Something that will take my mind off the constant pain I feel each day in my red-hot lobes. Perhaps one of those industrial piercings that’s like a bar through the top of the ear. Cartilage can’t get infected, right?

Maybe I could get a dermal piercing on my forehead right between my eyes. My buddy Chunk said he watched a Youtube video on how to do that at home with just a safety pin, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and a mini-screw from a glasses repair kit. He said he would only charge me a pack of Parliaments. It’ll look so good with the stick-n-poke neck tattoo I just got done at the gas station. Hopefully, it won’t itch as much.

Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn’t missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if my full legal name wasn’t Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman?

As I lay here in this hospital bed in a full-body cast, having broken almost every bone in my body, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Would I even be here if my father wasn’t a failed stuntman and had just named me Michael? I guess I’ll never know. One must accept the hand that fate deals and, for me, it was being trained to jump over neighborhood children on a minibike before I could even walk.

But what’s in a name? I could have been “Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman, Attorney at Law” if I wasn’t forced to spend my youth doing loop-de-loops inside a flaming steel cage. Or “Dr. Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman” had I gone to college instead of trying to break Robbie Maddieson’s 346-foot world record.

Had I been named John or Peter, perhaps I wouldn’t have a crushed pelvis and have to pee out of this tube on my side. Sure, my father would probably still have forced me to base jump from the upper atmosphere without a parachute, but maybe I wouldn’t have felt so inclined to do it had I not had the words “Maniac” and “Madman” on both my birth certificate and my leather jacket.

I could legally change my name and sign the court documents if someone put a pen in my mouth, but I can’t help but think this all happened for a reason.

Thigh-High Chucks Unlaced Just in Time to Go Out Again

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE – A pair of thigh-high Chuck Taylors owned by local woman Heidi Sanders were finally removed just moments before she was set to head back out on the town, justifiably impatient sources confirmed.

“I think people are blowing it out of proportion,” said Sanders, setting a timer on her phone for three hours. “I work my lacing between other household tasks, and I have it down to a science: get home, untie the top lace, start cooking, fold the laundry, pay my bills, practice guitar, check on the food, slip off the first shoe, and so on. It’s a process, but totally worth it if you’re good at multitasking. I get compliments on these bad boys all the time, so they’re here to stay, even if they completely rule my entire schedule.”

Sanders’ roommate Craig Peters recalls simpler times, before the thigh-highs were brought into rotation.

“I just leave her behind now because she takes fucking forever to get situated,” said Peters as he patiently sharpened a pair of scissors to take care of the laces once and for all. “I wanted to go to a show down the street, and when I was ready to leave, she was laying on her back with her legs in the air like a sloth trying to take a shit. I didn’t want to wait all night, so I just left. When I got back from the show, she was just getting started on the second shoe. I don’t even think she realized I was gone.”

Footwear expert Bryce Otto offered a practical solution to the tedious conundrum.

“Listen, thigh-highs are inherently hot, nearly without exception, so we must tread lightly. We don’t want to rule them out entirely, but these massive Chuck Taylors are an animal of their own breed,” said Otto. “I’ve seen hundreds succumb to their allure and then never recover from the massive toll the lacing process takes on their psyche. Either get a version that zips up from the back, or just paint your legs to look like you’re wearing them. Most people won’t even notice from a distance.”

At press time, Sanders was spotted trying on button-fly denim rompers.

Hipster Knew Nickelback Before They Weren’t Cool

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local barista and music know-it-all Nathaniel Pellson claimed he knew Canadian band Nickelback long before they weren’t cool, sources who didn’t quite believe him confirmed.

“I discovered these nerds back in the late ‘90s prior to them blowing up and getting nominated for the NME Award for Worst Band in 2017,” said Pellson while thumbing through the vinyl records at Urban Outfitters in search of the next big uncool thing. “Then out of nowhere they were catapulted into mainstream success and everyone figured out pretty quickly they were total lame-wads. It’s like their uncoolness was no longer solely mine. That’s when I abandoned ship and turned my attention to 3 Doors Down. Thank God they never got too mainstream.”

Friends of Pellson claimed he did this sort of thing all the time.

“Nathaniel has this uncanny ability to tell when a band is going to be wildly uncool. Either that or he just reads the Wikipedia entries on bands the minute they get popular and pretends he knew them before everyone else,” said longtime friend Jade Drekler. “Worse yet, I’ve actually caught him listening to that ‘Photograph’ song on a few occasions. Hell, Nickelback was even his third most listened-to band on Spotify Wrapped back in 2018. Not only does he act like they’re not hip, but he also pretends to despise them for some sort of music personality points. He really needs to come out of the Nickelback fandom closet and embrace his inner truth.”

Music expert Quincy Roberts revealed that it’s natural for music fans to get competitive.

“Human beings revel in feeling like they’ve discovered something before the rest of civilization,” said Roberts. “It’s actually a huge trend among young people these days. Back in the 2000s you wanted to be the one who discovered something before it was cool. Now you want to know it before it’s not cool. Remember how crocs were extremely dorky 10 years ago? Well, now everyone under the age of 25 has a pair. They’re like the Creed of footwear. That’s just how music works now for some reason.”

At press time, Pellson was seen asking a guy in a Smash Mouth shirt to name three bad Pitchfork reviews.

New Evidence Shows Rep.-Elect George Santos Lied About Being One of the New York Hardcore Kids Trashing SNL During Infamous FEAR Set

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Republican Representative-elect George Santos is facing more scrutiny about his personal life after overwhelming evidence began to pile up refuting his claims that he was part of the on-screen melee that took place when FEAR played Saturday Night Live in 1981.

“He’s lied about where he went to school, his grandmother escaping the Holocaust, his mother dying on 9/11, but lying about being one of the punks that destroyed the SNL set is the most heinous deception yet,” said Rep. Ted Lieu, D-Calif. “He curried favor with a lot of retired hardcore kids in Nassau County by claiming to be in studio 8H that night, but a quick fact check shows he was born nearly seven years later. This man should be impeached, this man should be punished, and this man should be brought in front of a hardcore tribunal of New York crews to see what happens when you lie about being part of NYHC history.”

Christopher Santucci, a former merch guy for The Movielife, admits to voting for Santos based on the lies he told on the campaign trail.

“You know I think it’s time for a change in New York politics and I was buying what this guy was selling. I went to one of his campaign events and he brought up how he’s ‘a New York hardcore kid through and through.’ He played YouTube footage of the set and claimed he was the guy carrying the pumpkin onto the stage before it cuts to commercial,” said Santucci. “I had no reason to doubt him, but now I’m wondering if all the other things he said were a lie. Like how he was the one that convinced Raybeez to stop using drugs, and that he was the original drummer of Youth of Today before Mike Judge took over.”

Rep.-elect Santos defended his statements about the SNL incident and claims his words have been deliberately misconstrued.

“What people are failing to understand is I never said I was there in person. I said ‘I felt like I was there that night’ because I was one of the first people to watch the video when it was uploaded to YouTube in 2010,” said Santos. “I feel like most people are missing the point here. In that video we have clear evidence of hardcore establishment elite Ian MacKaye screaming ‘New York sucks’ and as soon as I’m in Congress I’m going to hold him accountable for defamation of a great city.”

At press time, allegations that Santos lost four employees in a 2008 crowdkilling incident at a Shattered Realm show in Philadelphia are also under investigation.

Report: Death Metal Band’s Long Sleeve Shirt Has Way Too Much Shit On It

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ORLANDO, Fla. — A new long sleeve shirt design for death metal band Gorebomb is confusing fans with its overwhelming amount of designs plastered all over it, several brutal sources report.

“Real death metal is all about excessively violent imagery, any metalhead worth their sleeveless vest knows that. That’s why a 9-panel shirt filled with an abundance of gore and death is exactly what the public want and needs,” Gorebomb singer Devon Johnson explained while hiking up his camo shorts. “The more gore, the better. The more logos, the better. Every single color under the sun should be plastered on every inch of a death metal band’s shirt and Gorebomb accomplished this with our exclusive ‘Blunt Force Trauma 2022’ tour shirt design. Not made for logo-only shirt wimps.”

Gorebomb fan Danielle Lee purchased the long sleeve shirt at a show and decided after wearing it, she was left with more than a few gripes.

“I thought it looked pretty cool up on the rack behind the merch table, but little did I know, the design I was looking at was just one sleeve,” Lee said while looking down at the ludicrously designed shirt. “It doesn’t need the bloody chainsaws on each elbow. All the tiny Gorebomb logos around the neck are probably going to give me a rash. Every time I look at the shirt I see something new. At this point, I’m wondering if it’s magically sprouting new designs on its own. I’ve never owned a shirt that can’t be folded, and the thing weighs like 30 pounds!”

Randy Wilkes, a press operator at the t-shirt shop where Gorebomb had their shirts made, talks about the difficulties he faced creating the chaotic design.

“My god, I’m still sore from busting my ass after that grueling seven weeks,” Wilkes explained. “Yeah, seven weeks! It took that long to make a limited run of just 25 of these things. I worked full weeks working 12-hour days to get these fucking shirts made. I missed my kid’s birthday! It put us over our budget for screen printing ink for the year already. It’s like they just wanted to see how many logos they could fit on the sleeves or something. I know I wouldn’t want to wear something that obnoxiously violent.”

At press time, Gorebomb was seen making a limited run of visceral sweatpants with “Gorebomb” plastered across the rear end.

Man with No Talent, Artistic Achievements, or Notability Knows How He Would Answer Every “Hot Ones” Question

Posted on by John Danek

MONTICELLO, Ark. — Local unremarkable man Phil Lindley is prepared to answer any question on YouTube interview show “Hot Ones” despite offering no reason to ever be interviewed by anyone, snickering friends reported.

“I’ve watched every ‘Hot Ones’ episode multiple times and know how I would answer any question; they honestly should just have me on at this point,” declared Lindley, who was recently demoted from manager back to cashier at the local Gap store. “Sean Evans will start with the usual ‘How are you with spicy foods?’ and I’ll tell my anecdote about dosing my friends with Dave’s Insanity Sauce in sixth grade. And when it’s time to explain that gram? Yeah, they’ll definitely go for the pic of the fish I caught at my brother’s bachelor party in Pensacola. Hey Sean—I’m free any time!”

Those who have gotten to know Lindley on a personal level are often astounded at how truly unremarkable he is.

“I’m not proud but I did date him for a few months; it was actually fascinating to observe how much of a dud Phil is,” admitted ex-girlfriend and current co-worker Karli Massany. “He has no interesting talents or qualities, yet spends time every day practicing awards acceptance speeches in the mirror. I cannot stress enough that he has no hobbies or creative interests. One time, the city poured new sidewalk concrete and he practiced placing his handprints and signing his name like it’s Graumann’s fucking theater. He’s never read a book!”

“Hot Ones” host Sean Evans conceded that the show’s email inbox is inundated with uninteresting people who think they deserve to be on the show.

“Our show features exceptional guests who have achieved impressive things, so quit pestering me if you’re just a waste of oxygen,” said Evans, who is close to setting the world record for simultaneous stomach ulcers. “Your college drinking stories and third place regional cross country trophies are not very interesting. You know what is interesting? Dua Lipa recounting skydiving with David Lee Roth. Or Triple H confessing to a late ‘90s arson spree. I’m a real journalist so stop wasting my time.”

Eyewitness reports indicate Lindley was recently spotted getting fit for a tuxedo, just in case he is invited to a White House dinner.

Ultimate Groupie? I’ve Banged Most of the Guys That Work at This Jimmy John’s

Posted on by Ted Pillow

You don’t really hear much about groupies anymore. It seems the days of hooking up with dudes in bands and traveling with them across the country are long gone. Travel doesn’t have the allure it once did, and that’s probably why I’ve boned almost every dude who works at this Jimmy John’s.

Okay, so it’s not exactly like being a groupie. I’m not riding a tour bus, attending sold-out concerts, or partying all night in trashed hotel rooms. Mostly, I’m just hanging around by the “Free Smells” sign waiting until the lunch crowd dies down so that some 20-year-old named Derek or Zach or whatever can go down on me in the handicapped bathroom.

But there are a lot of similarities, too! Just like the classic groupies, I’m there to give these immature, emotionally-stunted bros some much-needed attention and support. And there are plenty of perks for me, too. It’s sort of like being Kate Hudson in ‘Almost Famous,’ except instead of backstage access and free acid, I usually have to settle for a half-off turkey sub and free Mountain Dew refills.

You might be wondering how things got to this point. It’s not like I set out to smash every single employee. It’s just that pretty much every guy working here is the same, and he is my type. They all have GEDs and neckbeards and their idea of a romantic date night is watching ‘300’ in their parent’s half-finished basement. It’s sexy as fuck.

I don’t know what to tell you, I like what I like.

Trust me, there are times I wish I could break away from the temptation of the Jimmy John’s staff and their chubby, cargo-shorted hogs. But where else can you meet a man nowadays? I tried hanging out at Jersey Mike’s, but when I flirted with the guys there they got scared and called the cops. And it’s sad to say, but pretty much every man who works at a Subway or Quiznos is destined to die a virgin.

So next time you get the craving for some Jimmy John’s, keep an eye out for me. Don’t be shy, you can even come over to my table and say hi. But do yourself a favor and watch your step if you see a “Wet Floor” sign over by the soda fountain. Trust me, that’s not Pepsi.