GLENDALE, Ariz. — The highly anticipated Rihanna Super Bowl Halftime show is expected to include an In Memoriam segment to honor all the Eagles fans who slipped on their own puke and died in the stadium’s washrooms during the first quarter, officials worried for everyone’s safety confirmed.
“Our fans are our number one priority,” stated NFL V.P. of Operations Hank Topsider. “So that’s why we think it’s important to honor those Eagles fans who will undoubtedly drink too much, fight, puke, smash themselves silly, and drop dead within a few minutes of kickoff. We want this event to be inclusive of all fans from the city of brotherly love, those who actually make it to the second quarter without being arrested or injured, and those who spend their last brave moments hearing the roar of the crowd as they’re being rushed to St. Joseph’s Trauma Center.”
Die-hard Chiefs fan Stacy Everett disagreed with this initiative to honor Eagles fans.
“What a waste of time celebrating a bunch of toxic fans who have no respect for anyone,” Everett said while wearing a ceremonial headdress and Native American-style face paint outside the stadium. “It’s one thing to get piss drunk, chant about beating the hell out of the other team, and film a TikTok dance on the shrine to a dead opponent, but it’s another thing to do some of those things if you’re also screaming ‘Go Birds’ the whole time. Now if you’d excuse me, we’re about to do the Tomahawk chop to some inconsiderate protestors who are still bitching about our name.”
Sports behavior expert Carl Shattenkirk believes glorifying any rowdy behavior is a slippery slope that should be avoided.
“I think the NFL is playing with fire,” Shattenkirk described. “Though it’s admirable to honor any lives injured or lost during games, my research shows dumb fans of any team fuelled with enough alcohol and low self-esteem will take it as a personal goal to get even stupider just to get onto that jumbotron and be part of the halftime show. As for Eagles fans, yes they can be a bit rabid, and I don’t mean that only metaphorically. Some of them will legitimately try to bite you if you get too close.”
At press time, the NFL was regretting their decision after the video tribute went into its thirty-fifth minute.