Time: man’s only natural predator. While once we were all new and hip it is only inevitable that we someday age into the “having a preference in what blend of sock material we like best” phase of our lives. So it goes in the world of music as well – and here are a few of the once new and exciting bands that now are firmly classic rock.
Green Day
Green Day may have been the band that got pop-punk to break into the mainstream, but that was almost thirty fucking years ago. Once you’ve turned your anti-establishment album into a Broadway musical and started your own coffee brand that tastes the way gentrification feels, it’s fair to say you’ve left your youth behind.
Weezer
This one just kind of imploded on itself like a white dwarf star of aging mediocrity. Though they may have defined alternative rock in the 90s, now Weezer reminds us of our chronically single uncle who tells us he “saw Soundgarden back before they got big” every Thanksgiving.
Everyone In No Doubt Except Gwen Stefani
We don’t know what kind of voodoo magic that woman bestowed herself with to remain relevant all these years, but the rest of No Doubt have aged like ska-punk flavored milk.
Gross!
Although Gwen, if you’re reading this, give us a call sometime. We dunno, maybe let’s grab a coffee somewhere.
Black Flag
Remember back when Greg Ginn was the coolest punk guitarist ever around? Yeah, us neither. But after so many years, lawsuits and whatever the hell that last album was about, we guess Ginn’s band (it really is only his band at this point) has taken a turn for grandpa rock.
Every Band That Got Big On Myspace… and Myspace
A couple of years back a bunch of forty-somethings freaked right the fuck out because Myspace saw a slight spike in traffic and we all thought the social media juggernaut was going to become a thing again. It didn’t, of course, but do you know what you need to be to ever be “a thing again?” Old as shit! And they took every band that was ever anybody’s profile music with them into senility.
Your Old Band From High School
What was it called? Johnny Crud and Gutterfuckers? Yep, that shit’s classic rock. Now go be responsible and make sure your third grader gets on the bus okay.
Your Old Band From College
At least this band of yours actually recorded a couple of EPs. Unfortunately it was during your weird avant-garde phase and holy shit, calling this classic rock might even be giving it too much credit.
The Lone Rangers
It’s sad to see a band that worked so hard and committed so many crimes to go the way of Kenny G. A band who uncovered the insidious plot to turn Rebel Radio soft as shit by station manager Miles and whatever Kramer’s character was called. They first introduced us to “Degenerated” and the concept that record contracts have to come “unsolicited” – but now all these guys are winning Oscars and the bass player looks like a shoe made out of cactus. Sorry to say The Lone Rangers are firmly in the classics category now.
A Bunch of WWI Era Bagpipers
These dudes rocked before rock was rock, and they did it all while DIYing their own foxholes and being shelled by proto-Nazis. Though fortunately most of them died of trenchfoot before they could coast into classic rock mundanity, those who did live had to see themselves fade into the purgatorial role of “PapPap with the thousand-yard-stare.”
Phil Collins
There has never been a time when Mr. Collins, as he has always preferred to be called, has not been classic rock. He is classic rock personified. If you walked up to a blind painter and told them to paint you the definition of classic rock they would cram a bunch of brushes in their asshole, fart them at the canvas, then fall to their knees and weep because the image they would have created would be an unaltered photograph of Phil Collins. If you listen to this man with any sincerity you are so fucking old you are likely mere minutes away from death. Farewell.