PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano has passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to Super Bowl LII, family sources confirmed this morning.
“Our family has been throwing these batteries since 1972 — I got them from my old man when he passed away after a long and painful battle with some drunk moron at Oscar’s Tavern,” said Mr. Catalano. “Our batteries have been chucked at some of the most athletic skulls in the world: Sidney Crosby, Michael Irvin, J.D. Drew… and this one hot-shot at the pitch-and-putt. But Pop’s biggest regret was never nailing five-time ‘cheater’ Tom Brady.”
When Anthony scored tickets to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl on Sunday, the elder Catalano knew it was time to pass along the heirloom batteries.
“Somewhere, up above — or, more realistically, down below — I know Pop is smiling on his grandson, hoping he smashes up pretty-boy Brady’s face real good,” said the proud father. “It’s time for me to let them go. I can’t put the heat on them like I used to; my accuracy is gone. Anthony was a hell of a pitcher in Little League. I know he’ll do some damage with the Catalano D-size ‘Mini Missiles.’”
- Paperboy Accosted for Throwing Fake News at Man’s Home
- Dad Wondering If You Want to Rip Any of His CDs
- Dad’s Band Still on PureVolume
Some, however, including Patriots fan and self-proclaimed “masshole” Shannon Connelley, aren’t thrilled by the Catalano tradition.
“I’d like to think those battery throwin’ tool bags are in the minority, but we all know that every mouth-breathing Philly sports fan is a greased-pole climbing, drunken hooligan,” said Connelley. “Hell, these queers threw snowballs at fuckin’ Santa Claus. If I saw them disrespecting Santa in person, I’d have been wicked pissed, dude guy.”
Meanwhile, Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey offered this advice to visiting Eagles fans like Catalano.
“Gee, willikers. You know? These fellas could learn a thing or two from ‘Minnesota Nice,’” said Frey. “See, Vikings fans also do terrible things — like enthusiastically cheering Aaron Rodgers painful, season-ending injury, or sending death threats to our own kickers after missed field goals — but we also say ‘uff-da’ every now and then, so everyone mistakes us for folksy and kind.”
At press time, Anthony Catalano is allegedly drunk and shirtless in downtown Minneapolis, screaming, “Fuck the Cowboys.”
Want to show your support for The Hard Times? Click below and pick up a shirt:
Article by Patrick Coyne.