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19-Year-Old Getting Into ’90s Music Wondering Why All Their New Favorite Bands Only Playing County Fairs

BROCKTON, Mass. — Local teenager Olivia Washburn reports being confused by the fact that all her favorite bands from the ‘90s seem to only play county fairs on each of their tour stops, confirmed multiple sources who let her borrow some old CDs.

“I recently started getting into some classic rock bands like Dishwalla, Better Than Ezra, and Collective Soul. ‘90s music just hits different and I have no idea why they never come through Boston on tour,” said Washburn while watching an “Ultimate ‘90s” rock playlist on YouTube. “They always end up playing in the middle of nowhere like the Rockbridge Cider Festival, Laine County Jamboree, or the Tri-Valley Harvest Hoe Down. The good thing is usually the tickets are free, but I would need to travel to Iowa to see any of them. Maybe it would be worth it if I could get a blue ribbon for my prized hog, or if I had a giant pumpkin to display.”

Crash Test Dummies lead vocalist Brad Roberts says the county festival circuit is the sole reason his band continues to play live.

“You can laugh all you want but fairs, carnivals, and large farmer’s markets are very lucrative. Not only do we get a guarantee of $1,200 each time, but we get all the fried dough we want, and we can take home any of the leftover cotton candy from the day,” said Roberts from a motel room he is sharing with his other three bandmates. “We are already booked solid through the summer. We usually play around 1 p.m., it’s always outdoors, and normally we have to help set up and break down the stage, which usually happens after a pie-eating contest. So I’ve learned to bring some wet wipes with me because those contestants are always so sloppy.”

Gus Levinson, a former tour manager for multiple ‘90s rock bands, says the market isn’t strong enough for these bands to tour clubs.

“The ‘90s were a long time ago. Most people don’t want to have to pay a babysitter just so they can go stand around in a cramped room for hours on end,” said Levinson. “They would much rather bring their entire family to a Sunday gathering, where there might be a petting zoo, and watch their favorite bands in a wide-open field. It’s nice seeing the joy on a 55-year-old man’s face as he clumsily dances in his plaid shorts to an Eve 6 song.”

At press time, Washburn was excited to see one of her favorite bands, Tonic, would be playing Foxwoods Casino’s coveted 4 a.m. slot.